Wherever You Go (5 page)

He squeezed my hand and leaned in closer to me, his smile fading. "Listen, I want you to know things aren't quite right with me."

I sucked in a breath, surprised. "Yeah?"

"I can't remember things too well. I get confused. Something is wrong."

"Yeah, I know. Grandpa, you have a disease called Alzheimer's. It affects your brain."

He scratched at his left cheek, along the line of stubble. "It was so lonely over at the house without your nana." His blue eyes were watery, and suddenly he seemed to be drifting away. "I miss her so much."

"I know. Do you remember living in the apartment?"

He nodded. "It was lonely there, too. But I had
Judge Judy.
"

I giggled. I hadn't heard him make a joke in the last few days. I was reminded of when I'd been even younger than Lena was now and I'd spent weekends with my grandparents in their big old house on Queen Anne Hill. It was never dull there.

Sometimes, Grandma and I had cooked
pizelle
or fried fresh
zeppole.
She wasn't Italian like Grandpa, but she'd learned to cook the things he loved. Together she and I had crunched through the sweet treats, laughing at the crumbs and the powdered sugar left around each other's mouths. Grandpa Aldo was usually working on something in the garage, or out in the back garden taking care of his zucchini and tomatoes. Always, he'd cracked little jokes, and threatened to spray me with the hose. The garden had gotten overgrown and too hard to manage as they both aged. The beautiful house was sold long ago.

"I miss Grandma too," I said.

"We had many good times." He let go of my hand and reached into his back pocket. "I want to show you something." He unfolded his dark brown leather wallet and pulled out a small square of paper.

I took it from his outstftiom his retched hand. It was a list written on well-creased stationery.

Sailing on the lake
Dinner at Mama Maria's Cucina
Walk at Discovery Park
Picking fresh tomatoes
Hawaiian Anniversary trip
Faces of my grandchildren

And it went on—more items written in my grandfather's sloppy cursive. I glanced up from the list at my grandfather's face. His lips were set in a firm line, his eyes closed like he was stemming his tears.

"This is my memory list," Grandpa Aldo said. "All the things I want to remember."

"Oh." I folded the list reverently. "That sounds like a good thing to have."

"I've carried it in my billfold for a while. If I forget these things," he said, "will you help remind me?"

"Sure, Grandpa." My voice sounded craggy, but I was trying to keep it together.

"I can't trust the others," he said. "They wouldn't understand. But you, Holly—there's something of your nana in you. You take the time with me. You're a patient girl."

I shrugged.

"You don't think the list is foolish?" Grandpa cocked his head at me.

"I think it's beautiful," I said.

"You keep it safe for me."

"No, no." I held out the paper, but Grandpa wouldn't let me hand it back to him.

"I know I forget things. I'm not the same as before. I want you to hold on to it."

"Um ... okay." I slid the tiny paper square into my pocket.

Lena's bus rolled up then, and she tore off of it squealing and nearly jumped on Grandpa. The spell was broken. Grandpa seemed to fade back to his normal, sedate self.

When the apartment was dark that night, I sat at my desk and took out my grandfather's paper. I was struck again by the things on the list—the things he wanted to remember. I thought about how maybe people went through their whole lives and never rounded up all those good things. They made lists of things they dreamed of doing someday. Grocery lists. Lists of chores.

Grandpa Aldo had it all figured out. The way to remember something was to write it down. To read it over and over so it burned into your mind. And maybe then you'd be sure that what happened actually
did
happen. You wouldn't forget it.

It was a funny thing, trying to remember>

I spent the moments before I fell asleep that night forcing the good times to my mind. Making myself remember Rob and me laughing and smiling, remembering him kissing me, remembering him holding me. I was sure that it had been as real as anything. Even if it was work to hold those images close, I wasn't going to let them go.

***

You don't sleep. You sit in chairs you can't feel beneath you. You lie on couches, benches, steps that give you no comfort. All this time, you're awake. Conscious. Waiting for the freaking light they're always talking about on TV and in movies. You wonder if maybe you took it a little too far complaining out on the cliff the other night. Maybe now you've pissed off whoever's in charge and you'll be doomed to walk the planet alone forever.

You expect to see other wanderers. Seriously. Where are all the other dead people? You think maybe this is hell. Yeah, maybe hell is being completely alone.

To waste time this evening, you stroll through your old house. Your kid sister, Kayla, is snoozing peacefully in the bottom bunk bed in her room. At the other end of the house, Mom's watching a late-show comedian with the sound turned down so low, you can barely hear it over Dad's snoring. Your golden retriever, Chuck, is in the kitchen, sleeping on the blue mat near the sliding glass door. He snorts in his sleep, paws still from twitching as he looks up and sleepily sniffs the air in your direction. His eyes tell you he senses something. It's like he knows you're there.

"Thanks, Chuck. That means a lot," you say.

You walk by the piano, hand brushing the air atop the pictures set in a line. Your senior picture at the end, freshly taken before you bit the big one. Your smile is electric, fake. The picture of you and Holly at last year's spring dance is missing, though. The one with you in a gray sport coat and Holly in a sexy black cocktail dress she found at some yard sale. It used to sit right next to your portrait on the end and now it's gone. You wonder where it went. Wonder if your mother ripped the photo into a million shreds.

You find your answer back in Kayla's room. The gold-framed picture is perched on your sister's bookshelf, next to her favorite stuffed animal, a giraffe named Rudy. Someone remembers you. Someone remembers how happy you and Holly were. And that makes you smile, all the way down to your deep, nonexistent bones.

***

"Where are we going?"

"Just come on." I tugged Lena onto the bus after me and Grandpa Aldo and paid the fare for all three of us. It was a Wednesday after school and the bus was crowded with commuters. A skinny white dude covered in tattoos got up to let my gass to letrandpa take his seat while Lena and I stood in the aisle, holding on to one of the slick metal poles. My gaze kept drifting to the guy's inked arms. An angel smoking a cigar adorned one biceps, floating near a dragon that melted into its own blue and red flames. There were fresh black outlines penned in above the dragon, like the guy had just been to the tattoo shop to imagine what he would add next. I stared until the guy itched at the angel's wings. You always see something interesting on the city bus.

A little while and a few neighborhoods later, we were in Magnolia on the grassy bluffs overlooking the Puget Sound. After taking in the view, Grandpa Aldo lowered his hands from his eyes. "Holly," he said, his voice cracking. "It's my park."

"It was on the list, remember?"

Lena pointed at the water far beyond the cliffs. "Can we go all the way down there?"

"It's kind of a long walk," I said, taking Grandpa Aldo's hand. "Let's just go to the benches over there and sit down for a while."

We passed the old military houses and barracks that had been full of officers and soldiers when Discovery Park was an active fort. Lena skipped ahead on the grassy path, pointing out the dragonflies buzzing around. We passed thickets of blackberries and tall grasses and finally came upon the metal benches set up among the trees.

Grandpa Aldo took a seat and closed his eyes, the sun playing across his face. "This is so wonderful."

"You like this park?" Lena said. "I mean, there aren't any swings or anything. It's kinda boring."

Grandpa Aldo turned to me, smiling. "I asked your grandma to marry me here many years ago."

Lena let out a little squeal. "Really?"

"Yes, she was just a little bit older than Holly."

We sat there for a while, watching the sun dip behind the Olympic Mountains in the distance. Lena ran off to chase dragonflies.

"Thank you,
cara mia,
" Grandpa Aldo said, his eyes misty.

"No big deal. I thought maybe it was time for a visit."

Lena zoomed up to us, a giant blue bug in her hand. "This one's cool!" she said, and then dashed off again into the tall grass for a last hunt.

Grandpa was quiet after that, all the way on our walk back to the main road. When we got to the stop, I checked the timetable for the next bus, which I soon calculated would be about a thirty-minute wait.

Lena traced cracks in the sidewalk, her sneaker-clad toes pointing like a ballerina's. Grandpa Aldo steadied himself against the bus stop pole, since there was no place to sit down. The sun was beginning to sink. Though it was a nice spring evening, there was a chill in the air. A chill reminding me that the season wasn="0 season't in full swing yet. It was still time for jackets and umbrellas and all those things you have to carry with you in Seattle, where it never seems warm until July. And then the city would be hit with a wallop of warm days.

It would be a weird summer without Rob. Last year, we'd hung out at the beach, savoring every last ray of sunshine, soaking it up for the long fall and winter months. Or at least I had soaked it up. It was hard to forget Rob pulling down his favorite baseball cap, shielding himself from the warm glare of the rays on the water. And then, just as the leaves were starting to turn, he was gone. No amount of sunshine I'd saved up could bring me out of that dark fall.

"When is the bus coming? This is boring," Lena said, her foot making another perfect line along the cracked concrete.

"Soon."

After a few minutes, though, a black car rolled up. Jason Markham rolled down the window. "Can I give you guys a ride?"

I tried not to show my surprise. "What, are you stalking me now?"

"Right. I was in the neighborhood."

I glanced back at my grandpa, who seemed worn out from the trip, and then back at Jason. "Um ... well ... you really want to give us a lift?"

"Sure."

I was skeptical about why he'd want to be nice. Worried that he would say something awkward like he did yesterday on the walk home. But, actually, it would be really great not to have to take the bus.

"So?" He cocked his head to the side.

"Yeah, okay."

Jason parked the car on the side of the road and got out to help Aldo into the front passenger seat. Once he was situated, Lena and I scrambled into the back.

"We live down off of fifteenth."

"I know where to go," Jason said. "Rob and I picked you up there once."

I relaxed into the seat. Next to me, Lena was bouncing around and peering out the windows.

"You guys hitting all the good parks?" Jason asked.

I didn't mean to stare at the back of his head, but I didn't know where else to look without meeting his eyes in the rearview mirror. His haircut made a perfect V on the back of his neck.

"No," I said. "That park was special."

Grandpa Aldo added, "Very special."

We drove along in silence awhile, and then Grandpa started to make a humming sound. I don't even think he realized he was making the noise.

"Grandpa, we're almost there," I said, patting his shoulder.

He nodded, but the noise continued.

After what seemed like forever, Jason parked the car in front of our building. Then he got out again, helping Grandpa Aldo out onto the sidewalk. It was really cool of him. Surprisingly cool.

"Lena, take Grandpa inside," I said, handing her my keys.

"Okay," she said, leading him off.

I crossed my arms and leaned against the car. "So, you just happened to be in the neighborhood? All the way out in Magnolia?"

Jason shrugged. "Fine, you got me. I saw you guys get on the bus to the park earlier. At least, I figured that's where you were headed. You don't have a car, right?"

"No. Not every kid can afford a car," I said, an edge in my voice.

"Very true. I'm just saying it's hard to get around without one."

"We get places fine."

"Well, if there's anywhere you need to go. Anything your grandpa needs, maybe you could call me. I could help."

I let my gaze pass over his strong jaw and up to his dark brown eyes. He was serious. "Why would you do that?" I said.

"I know maybe you don't trust me after what jerks everyone was, but I'm not like them. Trust me, ok?"