Whiskey, You're The Devil: An Addison Holmes Mystery (Addison Holmes Mysteries Book 4) (13 page)

“I’d never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.”

I narrowed my eyes and scrutinized his expression because I couldn’t tell whether or not he was being sarcastic, but his face stayed suspiciously blank. I put my hand on the doorknob and turned it slowly, preparing to work my magic once more, but as soon as the door open something small and furry flew right at me.

“Get it off! Get it off!” I yelled, spinning around as fast as my knee would allow.

The dogs were terriers of some sort, but looked more like overgrown rats. One of them had latched onto the extra fabric of my coverall that hung down below my crotch and the other was attached to my sleeve.

“Get these mutherfluffin dogs off of me!”

“You’ve gotta be still,” Savage yelled back, but I could hear the laughter in his voice.

I shook my body back and forth, the dogs hanging on for dear life and swinging back and forth, and Savage’s laughter grew louder.

“You’d better not be laughing,” I said. “Do something! Tase them for cripes sake.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk them down from the ledge, dog whisperer?”

My snarl at Savage was almost as loud as the dogs, and my knee chose that moment to give out. I went down in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, little paws wrapped around my arms and legs and sharp teeth tearing my clothes to shreds.

“This is not how I wanted to die,” I wailed. “Death by cannibal dogs.”

“You’ve got to hold still,” Savage said again. “I can’t get hold of the little devils.”

I tried to curl up in a little ball to protect myself better, but I don’t know if I succeeded. My knee had a mind of it’s own.

“Tell my mother not to dress me in yellow for the funeral. She always made me wear yellow for school pictures when I was a kid because it was such a happy color. But it makes my skin sallow. And if I die I most assuredly won’t be happy.”

“I’ll try to remember to tell her. If you keep screaming like that someone is going to hear. And then we’ll really be in a fix.”

I heard the rip of fabric and a snarl, and then the weight was suddenly gone from my body. I opened my eyes and saw Savage standing over me, his breath slightly labored and a grin on his face. He had a dog tucked under each arm.

“I don’t think Cesar Milan is going to be calling you up any time soon.”

“If I wasn’t such a lady I’d tell you to suck a bag of dicks right now. But I am, so I won’t.”

Savage barked out a laugh and shook his head at me. “Hold on a sec and let me put them somewhere out of the way, and I’ll help you up.”

He turned away before I could mumble that I didn’t need his stupid help. I could get up all by myself. In reality I probably looked like a turtle spinning around on its shell. Savage came back quickly and lifted me from under the arms, letting me use his body to steady myself once I was ready to put weight on my knee again.

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” Savage said once I was back on my feet.

“What’s the good news? I could use some.”

“Spock’s Enterprise is in a glass case in the room where the dogs were stashed.”

“What’s the bad news?”

“You’re a terrible maid. Look at these floors.”

I looked down and saw the shreds of cloth that had come from my clothes. There was also a broken picture frame and a small clock that had had the face popped off of it.

“Just trying to keep it real. It’s important for you to witness firsthand that I’m not perfect at everything.”

“Mission accomplished, babe.”

Chapter Twelve

A
FTER THE DOG
incident and finding The Enterprise exactly where it was supposed to be, the rest of our B&E attempt was rather anticlimactic. Because we were breaking the law we couldn’t exactly call in the big guns to come in blazing and take it back, so we packed up our stuff and got back in the van.

When we got down to the corner Savage made a call on his phone and left an anonymous tip where the merchandise was located. I cringed to think what this meant for my part of the job and how I was supposed to be working for the insurance agency and not trying to incriminate a federal judge who had the power to make my life a living hell if he ever found out I was behind it.

“You hungry?” Savage asked.

“Yes, but not hungry enough to eat wearing a chewed up coverall. And I’m pretty sure one of the dogs peed on me.”

“I wasn’t going to mention it because I thought it’d freak you out.”

I sighed and tried not to gag. I found it weird about myself that I’d rather see blood or brain matter all day instead of normal bodily functions, but being peed on was pretty much where I drew the line. Even by a dog.

“I’m not going to freak out,” I said. “Just take me to Phoebe’s and I can grab a quick shower and borrow some clothes.”

“Has anyone checked out your knee?”

“It’ll be fine. I just need to stay off of it and keep it iced.”

“Alternate between ice and heat. Have you talked to Kate?”

“Not exactly. I think it’s best to avoid her considering we just broke the law. You know how she gets. And technically she hasn’t hired me as a full time agent yet, so I don’t want to shake that apple cart.”

Savage shook his head and grinned. “Listening to you guys talk is like learning a foreign language. What do apple carts have to do with Kate?”

“Hey, I’ve heard a y’all or two slip from your lips every now and then. You’re not a Yankee anymore. Best to adapt.”

“So, hypothetically speaking, if I took you to meet my family up north you’d stop saying bless your heart and making random references to your crazy Aunt Scarlet that always sits on the porch naked.”

I arched a brow and pursed my lips. “Aunt Scarlet has taught me a lot of life lessons. I think she’d resonate across the Mason-Dixon line. Also, I didn’t realize you had parents.”

Savage stared at me like I had two heads. “People have to come from somewhere. Of course I have parents. And a couple of brothers and a sister too.”

“I know everyone comes from somewhere. I just always assumed you hatched. Or maybe dropped to Earth from Krypton like Superman. I can’t imagine you as a kid.”

“Make that trip north with me and I’ll show you all the baby pictures you want.

I hmmed non-committedly and looked out the window. Going anywhere with Savage was a bad idea.

We made it to Phoebe’s house just in time to see her toss a couple of boxes into the back of her Jeep. Paintbrushes and canvas stuck out haphazardly and seemed to be mixed in with clothes and whatever else from the house she could fit in.

“Well, fuck,” I said. “Though I have to give her credit. She lasted longer than she usually does.”

“So this is normal?”

“And expected. Phoebe has wanderlust. The minute she graduated high school she hit the road, and it’s rare she comes back like she did this time. I was thinking maybe she was finally starting to grow up a little.”

We parked the van next to her Jeep and I hobbled out.

“Good Lord, Addison,” she said. “You look like something the cat dragged in.”

“Close. Giant rats disguised as dogs.”

“That would’ve been my second guess. Looks like they peed on you as a final insult. I can’t believe you’re not jumping around screaming. I know how you hate to be peed on.” She turned and looked at Savage. “When she was seven we were visiting some cousins in Alabama and she walked right into the stream of a pissing contest between five boys. She about went catatonic. I’ve never seen anything like it. Those Alabama boys pee on everything, but I guess she didn’t know that.”

“I was seven for Pete’s sake. Not the worldly nine that you were.”

“Worldly enough to not get pissed on.”

“That’s why we’re here,” Savage broke in before I could launch myself at Phoebe. PMS made me feel a little violent. “She needs a shower and a change of clothes.”

“And maybe a bag of frozen peas if you have it,” I added.

“I can fix you up. Though I don’t think I have peas. Will corn work?”

“Only if it’s frozen.”

Savage held out his arm and for once I was grateful for the contact. He helped steady my weight and I limped along beside him, up the three stairs that led to the porch and then into the house I’d lived in for a short time.

“So where are you headed?” I asked Phoebe.

“New York. I’ve got a show coming up. And I miss the city.”

Phoebe was a painter. A pretty damn good one too. But it had surprised the hell out of all of us that she’d been able to make a success out of something she’d always considered a hobby.

“Are you keeping this place?”

“Well, technically the lease is in your name, so no. I’ve got an apartment set up in Soho that has a great loft with good light for my painting.”

“Wonderful. What the hell am I supposed to do with a house when I’m living with Nick? There’s another six months on the lease.”

“Keep it. That way if you have a fight you won’t have to move back home with mom and Vince. Goodness gravy those two are loud. I don’t ever remember her and daddy going at it like that.”

“Can we please not talk about that while I’m covered in dog piss? I can only hold back the gag reflex for so long.”

“This is the reason I moved several states away from my brothers and sister,” Savage said.

“You have a family?” Phoebe asked, surprised.

“See,” I said and took the folded clothes she handed me. “That’s what I said too. He said he was a child and everything. Who’d have thunk it.”

“You guys are hilarious. Next time you need me to help you on a case maybe I’ll reconsider.”

“No you won’t,” Phoebe said. “You’re putty in her hands.”

“Are you really?” I asked, eyes wide. I was pretty sure I was flirting a little, but since I’d always been awful at flirting compared to Phoebe I couldn’t be sure I was successful at it. I wondered how far was too far because I could definitely use some help. With a bum knee, Rosemarie in the slammer, and not a whole lot of information to go on I could use an Ace up my sleeve to get to the bottom of Priscilla Loveshack’s murder.

Savage sighed and gave me a wink. “Look at you with your gnarled hair and pee stained clothes. How could I resist?”

“Good,” I nodded. “Hold that thought and I’ll be right back. You too, Phebes. I’m going to need your help.”

“I’m not dressing up as a nun again,” Phoebe said. “That turned out to be more trouble than it was worth. You’d think all those people would’ve noticed the beer in my hand while they asked me to pray for them.”

I left Phoebe and Savage in the kitchen and made it to the bathroom on my own. Getting in and out of the shower could’ve been worse. I didn’t fall and no one was videotaping my gracefulness as I hung onto the towel bars and prayed to God one didn’t snap off and smack me in the face.

That had happened to the girl that lived in the apartment across from mine in college. She and her boyfriend were going at it like rabbits in the bathroom, her hands grasping the towel bar for all it was worth. Then all of a sudden it pulled free from the wall and whacked her right across the nose.

It had sure scared the hell out of me. I’d been studying in my room and then screams broke out and bloody naked people were running up and down the hall like it was an episode of The Walking Dead. Blood and sex don’t really go together in the south. At least not in Georgia, but I’ve heard they’ve got one of those weird sex cults in Kentucky, so they might be more partial to the combination.

Anyway, that girl ended up with a broken nose and two black eyes, and no one ever heard from her boyfriend again. If you ask me a man that runs away during any kind of sex is no man at all, but that’s just my personal opinion.

I prayed a little extra for the towel rod to hold as I bear crawled over the edge of the tub because the last thing I wanted was a broken nose. I’d been blessed with a pretty good one and didn’t fell like I needed to add any character to my face.

I somehow managed to soap myself off and wash my hair without killing myself. The trouble was going to be getting out of the shower.

I turned the water off and stifled a scream when Savage said, “Don’t freak out,” from the other side of the curtain.

“Jesus, Savage. Of course I’m going to freak out. Do you know how many times I watched
Psycho
as a kid?” My heart was racing a hundred miles a minute and I was clutching the shower curtain for all it was worth.

“I figured you might need some help getting out of the shower. Here’s a towel if you want to wrap up first.”

A towel appeared over the top of the curtain and I took it, drying myself carefully. Another towel came down and Savage said, “For your hair.”

“Very thoughtful of you,” I said, taking it and wrapping it like a turban around my head.

“I can be thoughtful at times.”

I wasn’t sure I liked seeing the sweeter side of Savage. As long as I could keep him in the reckless irresponsible box of my brain then I could tell myself he was only good as a friend.

I wrapped up with as much modesty as I could manage and then pulled the shower curtain aside. Savage had changed out of his Speedy Cleaners gear and was dressed in his normal jeans and black t-shirt. He wore Vibram-soled boots in case he needed to kick the crap out of anything and a black waterproof wristwatch that had more bells and whistles than I could keep track of.

“Dude. Your knee looks awful.”

“You’re such a flatterer,” I said.

“Wow, I’m thoughtful and a flatterer. All of these compliments are going to start going to my head. Grab hold and I’ll lift you out. No funny business though. I might drop you if you try to grab my butt.”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed hold of his shoulders, trying not to notice how broad they were or the muscles that bunched beneath my touch. And then he put an arm around my waist and another beneath my knees and lifted me up into his arms. My breath caught in my chest and the heat of desire tingled across my skin. I brought my hand up and thunked myself in the head.

“What was that for?” Savage asked.

“Just me being an idiot.” Some day I would remember what happened to my body every time he put his hands on me and cut it off at the pass. Maybe. I might be an idiot but I wasn’t stupid.