White Satin (20 page)

“From what I hear, that benefit didn’t end when you left the show,” Dany said dryly.

His lips twisted cynically. “Most women think a checkbook glitters just as much as a spotlight.” He inclined his head mockingly. “Not to mention my irresistible physique and charisma.”

“By all means, let’s do mention both of those attributes,” Dany said lightly. “So what’s ahead, Beau?”

“I thought I’d drift around the world a bit. I’m looking at a schooner for sale down in Miami. I may get a crew together and sail around the coast of South America.”

“A sailing ship?” Dany asked blankly. “That’s
certainly a change of lifestyle with a vengeance. Why South America?”

“I’m tired of all this ice,” Beau drawled, making a face. “I’m going to let the tropical sun sink into these weary old bones.”

“And let a multitude of tropical señoritas sink into your bunk?” Dany asked, amused.

“That thought did occur to me.” The creases in the corners of his eyes deepened as he grinned. “After all, if I’m giving up skating, I have to substitute some sport to keep in shape.”

She chuckled. “You’re impossible.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” Beau’s face was suddenly grave. “I don’t belong to anyone or anywhere. I’m not the stuff stability is made of like you and Anthony.”

Her smile faded. “Well, I can’t argue with you in Anthony’s case at least,” she said tightly. “There’s no one as unchangeable as Anthony.”

He studied her taut, strained face for a long moment before he slowly shook his head. “I can’t leave things like this, you know,” he said quietly. “I don’t give a damn about most people, but I’m not
about to go sailing off into the sunset while you and Anthony are hurting each other like this.”

“Then you may be sticking around for quite a while,” she said, trying to smile.

“The hell I will,” he said bluntly. “I’m much too selfish for that. The gloves are now officially off.”

“You sound very grim.”

“That’s the way I feel.” He released her hand. “I’ve been zooming around in a discreet holding pattern, waiting and watching for you and Anthony to straighten out your problems. For two intelligent people you haven’t done at all well.”

“Some problems aren’t that easy to straighten out,” she said defensively.

“Bull,” he said succinctly. “You’re talking to me, remember? I’ve watched you turn yourself from a talented junior into a world-class Olympic contender by sheer force of will and hard work. Don’t tell me if you bent that same determination toward resolving your differences with Anthony that you couldn’t do it.”

“I’m not the only one involved. Anthony—”

“Anthony isn’t willing to make concessions so that the world will be exactly the way you want it
to be,” he said caustically. “I realize that’s a terrible crime.”

Her eyes widened in shock. Beau had never spoken to her with such brutality before. “You know what happened that night at the lodge.”

“I know that Anthony fell out of that cozy little niche you created for him. I told you building pedestals was a dangerous thing to do.” He paused. “But no more than making judgments. Who the hell gave you the right to do that? So Anthony backslid and gave you a bad time. How many bad times have you had in your life, for God’s sake? Not many, thanks to Anthony.”

“Why are you acting like this?” she whispered, her eyes bright with tears. “It’s not like you.”

“Another niche? I don’t fit in them any more comfortably than Anthony.” Then, as his eyes met hers, he said wearily, “For Pete’s sake, stop looking at me as if I were a murderer. I know I don’t have any right to preach. I grew up with the same silver spoon you did, but I’ve gotten to the point when I at least try to understand.”

“Understand what?” she asked shakily.

“Anthony,” he answered. Beau ran his hand
through his hair distractedly. “Look, I’m going to break Anthony’s confidence.” He scowled. “It had better help, dammit.” His gaze was fixed absently on his folded arms on the back of the chair. “It’s not something Anthony’s likely to tell you. It was pretty painful for him letting it out to me.” His lips twisted grimly. “The only reason he did was that I was practically suicidal at the time. It was just before I entered the clinic. I was pretty sick with myself and my own weakness. You have no idea of the self-disgust alcoholism can generate. I know I told you I would have preferred to see my problem as a romantic weakness. That was bull. It’s hard to drop my guard even with you and admit how I hated the idea of being so helpless and uncontrolled.” He glanced up, his face dark with memories.

“Anthony convinced me that I wasn’t weak, that I was a strong man with an illness. You can imagine what that did for my self-respect. I felt clean again. Do you know how he convinced me? He said he knew what weakness was and he’d recognize it if he saw it.” He paused. “And he told me about his father.”

“His father?”

“I gathered his mother either died or deserted them before Anthony could remember her. There was only his father.” His voice became bitter. “With a father like his, that was more than enough. He was into booze, pills, and self-pity—in that order. He leaned on anyone or anything and, as Anthony was the closest, it was mostly him. He doesn’t remember his father ever having a job. Anthony grew up on welfare. Do you realize how that kind of public dependence would grate on a kid like Anthony?”

“Yes,” Dany said. To a proud, independent spirit like Anthony’s it would have been barely tolerable. “I realize that.”

“He had a job after school at the neighborhood ice rink from the time he was seven, first running errands and then as a monitor. He didn’t say, but I doubt if he was able to keep any of the money he earned. He did mention his father would often go on crying jags and tell Anthony over and over how grateful he was for all Anthony’s help and how much he needed him.”

“Oh, God, no.” How could a child stand that
kind of pressure? He must never have been allowed even a vestige of childhood.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” Beau said ironically. “And do you know what Anthony said was the worst part of the situation? He couldn’t stop loving his father. If he hadn’t loved him, he might have been able to refuse to let his father use him and might have made him pull himself together. He had to stand by and watch his father disintegrate as a human being because of a moral fiber as brittle as chalk. All Anthony could give him was the support that only made him lean harder.” He drew a deep breath. “He died when Anthony was twelve, right after Dynathe appeared on the scene. It’s just as well, since from what I hear of Samuel Dynathe, he wouldn’t have thought twice about slipping an arsenic mickey to anyone who got in his way.”

Anthony had gone from crushing dependence to equally crushing ruthlessness, Dany thought. He’d never had a chance. It’s a wonder he hadn’t become a callous monster. Instead, through his own efforts, he’d developed into a man to respect and admire.

“Do you understand why he can’t stand the thought of dependence in himself or anyone else?” Beau asked soberly. “He must see ghosts whenever the word is mentioned. Why do you think he fostered and guarded that strength and independence in you so fiercely? Perhaps he was a little overzealous, but you can’t really blame him.” He paused. “Did you know he’s not planning on being at the competition tonight?”

“He’s not?” Dany’s eyes widened. “But it’s everything we’ve been working for. He’s got to be there!”

“If you remember, he wasn’t at the Worlds or the United States Championships. He’s only present at the minor competitions. Does that form any pattern for you?”

“It’s beginning to,” she said slowly. “But why don’t you spell it out?”

“Anyone would have to be crazy to believe he wouldn’t want to be with you at important times like those. I think it may have meant almost as much to him as to you. The only explanation possible was that he thought he might weaken you by having you develop a reliance on him.” His eyes
steadily met hers. “And you’ll have to admit, there was a point when you would have formed an emotional dependence if he’d allowed it. He didn’t want to cheat you of the knowledge that any victory was totally yours. Even if it meant he couldn’t share it with you.”

She had a sudden painful memory of Anthony sitting alone and isolated in the box across the arena. How many other times had he shut himself away from warmth and togetherness for her sake?

“That idiot,” she said huskily, blinking rapidly to keep back the tears. “God, he’s an idiot. Maybe there was a time when I was in danger of losing a little of my independence, but there wasn’t any need for him to do that.”

“He thought there was,” Beau said quietly. “He wanted what he thought was best for you. What his own experience dictated was best for you. He may have been mistaken, but you can’t accuse him of not caring. Like I told you, Anthony’s problem is that he cares too much.”

“I can see that.” She felt an aching tenderness that was so powerful, it seemed to encompass her whole world. She loved him. Why hadn’t she
realized that that was the only clear, shining truth that mattered? Beau was right; she’d been so concerned with her own pain, she’d been blind to everything else. She felt a sudden rush of panic. What if she’d lost Anthony through her own stupidity? “
I’m
the one who’s been the idiot. Why the hell didn’t you tell me, Beau?”

“I thought you’d reach that conclusion yourself,” he drawled. “You probably would have if I hadn’t gotten impatient and decided to accelerate the process.”

“I hope you’re right.” She stood up and reached for her polo coat on the bench beside her. “I’d hate to think that I’d have remained that pigheaded indefinitely.”

“Where are you going?”

“Where do you think?” she asked as she slipped on the coat and belted it around her waist. “To the hotel to see Anthony.” She bit her lip worriedly. “You don’t suppose he’s left Calgary?”

Beau shook his head. “I talked to him last night, and he said he’d see me tonight after the long program.” He smiled gently as he saw her face light up. “Don’t get too excited, sugar. Anthony is
a very difficult man, and you still have a lot of differences to iron out.”

“Understanding can go a long way in that direction,” she said serenely. “And from now on I’m going to make damn sure I never let him leave my sight with a misunderstanding looming on the horizon.”

“You sound very determined.” Beau’s lips were twitching. “Have I created a monster?”

She leaned down to brush her lips on his cheek. “You’ve created an Olympic competitor who will be grateful to you for the rest of her life.” She turned to the door. “And who’s going to channel all that drive and force of will you credit me with toward acquiring an entirely different kind of prize.”

She paused for a moment outside the door of Anthony’s suite and tried to steady her breathing and control the sudden butterflies in the pit of her stomach. This was Anthony, for heaven’s sake, the man she wanted to be a part of her. He’d said he loved her and couldn’t change that fact, only a
few days ago. All she had to do was mend the breach and try to reach an understanding with him. She shook her head ruefully at the way she’d minimized the most potentially important and difficult task of her life. What could she say that would accomplish that goal when her mind had suddenly gone blank with nervousness? Oh, well, it had to be done, and she’d find a way of doing it. She knocked firmly on the door.

When Anthony opened the door, the way she found was very simple and straightforward and self-explanatory. She flowed into his arms and kissed him with all the love and tenderness that was welling up inside her like a bubbling spring. She felt him stiffen against her. Then his arms went around her, and the kiss turned to passion as he crushed her to him with bruising force.

She felt as if she were going up in flames as his tongue entered and probed and his body hardened with the same desire that was softening her own. It had been so long. Her body had grown so used to the magical physical intimacy during those two weeks with him. Now he was here, pressed against her with a need as deep as her own. In a moment
he’d move away and then take her to the bedroom, his hands moving over her with his usual deftness as he took off.…

“No!” What was she thinking about? This wasn’t why she’d come here. She tore her lips from his, her hands pushing at his chest. “Let me go!”

“Why?” he muttered, his lips covering hers again in a kiss as meltingly explosive as the first. “This is what you want. I can feel it.” He arched her up against him. “You have too many clothes on.” One hand untied the belt of the polo coat, pushed it open, and brought her into the cradle of his hips. She inhaled sharply and forgot for a moment that this wasn’t her prime motivation for coming to him. He was so aroused, as ready for her as she was for him.

Unconsciously she nestled closer, and she could hear the almost guttural satisfaction in his voice. “That’s better.” His hands were rapidly unbuttoning her blouse. “Just a little longer and we’ll both be where we want to be. I don’t think I’ve slept for more than a few hours at a time since I left the lodge. I’d wake up and reach for you and you
wouldn’t be there.” His hand closed on her breast, covered only by the lacy bra, and its warmth came as a tiny shock. “And I’d lie there wanting you and fantasizing all the things I was going to do to you once you were back where you belonged. Remember that afternoon when I—”

“No, please … I don’t want this.” Then when he looked up in patent disbelief, she continued hurriedly. “Well, I do, but not right now.” As he continued to stare at her, her brow knotted in confusion. No wonder he was looking at her like that. Her breast was swelling and nestling into his palm as if it had come home. “What I mean is that I think we should talk instead.”

“No way.” His voice was suddenly harsh. “You came here because you want me just the way I want you. I’d be a fool if I didn’t consolidate my position before I let you start verbally tearing our relationship apart again.” His lips twisted. “I’ll salvage whatever I can and worry about the rest later.”

That hint of bitterness brought her rudely down to earth. He obviously believed she’d come to him for that physical assuagement he’d said
was his most potent weapon. If she gave in to that need now, he’d never be sure that wasn’t the primary factor that brought her to him. She couldn’t permit that. Everything about their life together from now on must be clear and shining and based on a foundation of trust and understanding.