Whiter Shades of Pale (20 page)

The only acceptable reasons for declining participation are a prior engagement at a music festival and a commitment to go camping.

It’s also worth noting that when talking to white people about Bob
Marley there is no need to use his surname. This is because all white people refer to him simply as “Bob.”

Since so many people are into Bob Marley, it is only natural for advanced white people to profess to only marginally liking Bob Marley (note: it is impossible for a white person to outright dislike him). Instead these white people will claim to prefer more obscure artists like Burning Spear or Peter Tosh.

But be warned that when a white person says they like “reggae” what they really mean is “reggae from 1965 to 1983.” Under no circumstances should you ever bring a white person to a dance hall reggae concert. It will frighten them.

Note: If you are talking to a white person who is really into Bob Marley, has dreadlocks, and professes to be a Rastafarian, you should end the conversation immediately. These people are of no value unless you need directions to a WTO protest or have questions about how bad a human can smell.

White people love all activities that might enable them to “find themselves.” Trips to India or wine country, going back to school, doing or not doing something for a year, eating ethnic food, cooking, and so forth are just some of the many examples of white people finding themselves in hopes that the discovery will one day lead to a book deal or screenplay.

But among young white people, no method of finding themselves is more popular than the road trip. In fact, road trips provide white people with the only known practical application of an iPod loaded with two weeks’ worth of music.

Some of the more common destinations or reasons for a road trip include skiing, visiting a friend, music festivals, re-creation of Jack Kerouac’s
On the Road
, spring break, or driving a friend to college or graduate school.

Regardless of the destination, there are some rules about road trips that must be followed. Chain hotels and restaurants are to be avoided at all costs, the only places to meet crazy characters are in local bars or truck stop diners, an ironic trinket of some sort must be purchased as a memento of the trip, and, finally, moments of silence on the trip are to be used to look out the window and think about important things. These important things include the future, “what it all means,” exes, and high school. As a rule, they cannot be thinking about other people unless it relates directly back to the thinker. After all, what’s the point of going on a trip of self-discovery if you spend all your time thinking about how to help other people?

These road trips become important in the development of white people and are often remembered fondly for generations. However, the ultimate road trip is completed by white males between the ages of eighteen and thirty. This trip involves visiting every major-league baseball park in one summer. It is rumored that one in every fifteen white males has accomplished this feat.

From your observations, you might assume that by nature of their birthright white children are automatically vaccinated against many things: poverty, public schools, sweatpants, and high-fructose corn syrup. Because of this, it’s easy to think that they would all be given some sort of superdrug that would prevent them from getting diseases like polio, measles, mumps, or rubella. You know, the type of thing that millions of poor children around the world are literally dying to get in their home country.

But you would be wrong.

For a few years now, white people have been resisting the idea of getting their children vaccinated against the diseases that brought suffering to millions and were wiped out by modern medicine. Their logic follows a number of paths. The first is a need to get back to our natural state, specifically the one that is vulnerable to the diseases that killed off many of our ancestors. Though their life expectancy might have only been twenty-six, it was a wonderful twenty-six years, filled with organic, whole-grain misery.

The other bit of white logic involves a single now-discredited doctor writing a paper that claimed vaccinations lead to autism. Couple this with a few equally misinformed celebrity endorsements and that’s all white people needed to freak out.

They will feel no discomfort or guilt about sending their little host to school with children who are vaccinated. On the surface, their reasoning will be that since all the other kids are vaccinated, then all the children are safe. But deep down they are secretly hoping that all the vaccinated children have “caught” autism, and that their child will be virtually guaranteed that top-of-the-class ranking.

It goes without saying that befriending a white parent with nonvaccinated children has few perks. The only benefit is that you can openly plan and discuss multifamily vacations to pretty much anywhere on earth and not invite the nonvaccinated family. If they ask why they weren’t invited you simply need to say, “I heard Vegas just had an outbreak of rubella, sorry. Maybe you could get one of those bubbles for Oliver. Oh yeah, I forgot they have BPH in them.”

Expensive vintage glasses purchased with money from a three-month freelance gig at Google.

Actually Asian, because you don’t have to be white, you just have to be rich.

Store-bought, but she has plans to take up knitting “as soon as life calms down.”

Friends requested that she cook them an “authentic” Asian meal, but the list of dietary requirements forced her to simply grab something from the Whole Foods salad bar.

If you see a white woman and you are trying to figure out whether she is liked or just merely tolerated by white people, the best thing you can do is get a quick look at her haircut. It is a known fact that white people love women who wear their hair with bangs that hang straight down.

A number of very popular white women have worn this hairstyle, including Joni Mitchell, Jane Birkin, Zooey Deschanel, Jenny Lewis, and every girl ever photographed by
Vice
magazine or the Cobrasnake. (Note: It is a good idea to familiarize yourself with both of the latter, as they are beloved by cool white people. Follow-up note: These same things are despised by cooler white people.)