Whiter Shades of Pale (31 page)

Expensive sneakers unavailable in America used as sign to detect other Brits.

Of television shows for white people, there are few more perfect than
The Office
. It’s a smart comedy that shoots in a documentary style (something white people already like). The U.S. version features not one but two former members of
The Daily Show
, as well as a number of darlings of the indie comedy scene, and it’s all overseen by white person hero Ricky Gervais. It goes without saying that this show is beloved by white people, but to put it over the edge and make it truly legendary it features one miracle trump card: a British edition.

You see, when white people have a choice between the British edition and the American edition they will always, without fail, choose the British. It’s like how they will always say the book was better than the movie, unless that movie is
Twilight—
then they will say that both were horrible. The reason white people like the British edition is not so much that it is superior to the American edition; it’s just harder to find. You would have to have a Netflix subscription (not a problem for white people) or actively seek out the episodes on obscure American cable channels. But more important, the British edition gives white people an opportunity to assert dominance over other white people.

Keeping up with art is hard; trips to galleries and museums, enormous books, and costly biannual magazines are just a few of the many expenses you will incur during an attempt to stay current with art. While most of these things would actually attract more white people than dissuade them, the amount of work required to become and remain an expert on art is simply too much for the majority of white people.

Of course, there are exceptions, such as the people who have invested both their money and their lives in the appreciation of art: people with art history degrees. But as you have probably noticed, they have very little value to you or society. The latter is evidenced by their annual salary while the former may be determined on a person-by-person basis.

Currently the artist who is both cutting-edge and easy to keep up with is Banksy, and white people love him. He is anonymous, British, easy to understand, and he works in the medium of graffiti! This last bit is very important since all white people consider graffiti to be art when it looks like something other than a bunch of squiggles. In every other instance, they consider it vandalism.

As with any conversation involving white people about taste, you are walking into a potential minefield. However, art does not work the same way as indie music, where obscurity is valued.

Here’s how it works: If you say your favorite artist is Vincent Van Gogh, M. C. Escher, or Claude Monet, you will appear as though your taste in art is derived entirely from college posters. This is unacceptable. Jean-Michel Conversely, if you list Jeff Koons, Laurie Anderson, Damien
Hirst, or Jean-Michel Basquiat, you’ll look like you are trying too hard but don’t really know what you are talking about. Chances are that white people will assume your art education consists entirely of biopics and looking up references from
Gossip Girl
.

Finally, if you list an artist on the bleeding edge whom white people have not heard of, they will immediately recognize you as a threat and dislike you. It is also a certainty that they will call you pretentious behind your back.

Needless to say, it’s complicated. But Banksy is just right. He’s just edgy enough to be outside the mainstream, but popular enough to be available in coffee table book form at Urban Outfitters. (Though if you spot this book on the coffee table of white people it is strongly recommended that you imply they got the book at the shop of an art museum and not at Urban Outfitters. This will make the evening far more enjoyable for everyone.) If you find all this to simply be too much work and wish to ensure that white people will never speak to you about art again, there is an easy escape. Simply mention that your favorite artist is Thomas Kinkade and that you are in negotiations to purchase an original from the store in the mall. This will effectively end any friendship you have with a white person.

To be offended is usually a rather unpleasant experience, one that can expose a person to intolerance and cultural misunderstandings, and even evoke long-dormant emotional scars. Many people develop a thick skin and try to be offended only in the most egregious
and awful situations. In many circumstances they can allow smaller offenses to slip by, since fighting them is a waste of time and energy. But white people, blessed with both time and energy, are not these kind of people. In fact there are few things white people love more than being offended.

Naturally, white people do not get offended by statements directed at white people. In fact they don’t even have a problem making offensive statements about other white people (ask a white person about “flyover states”). As a rule white people strongly prefer to get offended on behalf of other people.

It is also valuable to know that white people spend a significant portion of their time preparing for the moment when they will be offended. They read magazines and books and watch documentaries all in the hope that one day they will encounter a person who will say something offensive. When this happens, they can leap into action with quotes, statistics, and historical examples. Once they have finished lecturing another white person about how it’s wrong to use the term
black
instead of
African-American
, they can sit back and bask in the knowledge that they have made a difference.

White people also get excited at the opportunity to be offended about sexism and homophobia, both cases offering ample opportunities for lectures, complaints, graduate classes, lengthy discussions, and workshops. All of which do an excellent job of raising awareness among white people who hope to change their status from “not racist” to “super not racist.”

The threshold for being offended is a very important tool for judging and ranking white people. Missing an opportunity to be outraged is like missing a reference to Derrida—it’s social suicide with little hope for a recovery.

If you ever need to make a white person feel indebted to you, wait for them to mention a book, film, or television show that features a character
who is the same race as you, then say, “The representation of [insert race] was offensive, and if you can’t see that, well, you need to do some soul searching.” After they return from their hastily booked trip to the land of your ancestors, they will be desperate to make it up to you. At this point it is acceptable to ask them to help you paint your house.

Not married but have a child together.

Government pays them $6,000 a month to have a child.