Whiter Shades of Pale (27 page)

Eventually, after an extended period, the relationship will break down when one white person “cheats” on the other. At this point the phone calls will stop and the white person who has been dumped will return to a life where they spend every day without their significant other. In other words, pretty much the exact same scenario they were in during the relationship.

If you are interested in dating a white person who is in one of these long-distance relationships, you will find yourself at a distinct advantage. While other white people will back off out of respect for the institution of the long-distance relationship, you are bound by no such law. If your early advances are rejected by your target, simply wait. The current record for a long-distance relationship is six months.

When it comes to the Coen brothers, white people can’t get enough. Their films are intelligent, complex, brilliantly done, and funny, sort of. You see, these filmmaking brothers often tackle large issues with dense, layered scripts in movies that most white people think are funny, but they can’t be sure until they see someone smarter than them laughing at the screen. Fortunately, the Coen brothers made a movie,
The Big Lebowski
, which is the most straightforward funny movie that they have ever made and therefore is the absolute favorite of white people everywhere.

The movie is a modern update on film noir, something that all white people profess to like but don’t actually watch. In fact white people generally consider
The Big Sleep
to be the best film that they’ve never seen.

Most white people will say that they love
The Big Lebowski
because it has good characters, it’s quotable, and it’s just fantastic filmmaking. But as we’ve proven time and again, the film simply provides white people with another excuse for themed drinking, specifically White Russians. If you take nothing away from this film, just remember that it is impossible to order this drink without a white person immediately quoting something from the movie.

This probably explains why every time you’ve had one of these drinks a white person has started yelling at you about Donnie or telling you that the Dude abides. If you happen to have any Spanish blood in you, then a quick quote from the Jesus character played by John Turturro will almost certainly net you a second free drink courtesy of a delighted white person.

The film is also responsible for a significant spike in white people going bowling. The pastime has always been popular with “retro” white people, specifically the women who wear pointy fifties glasses and men who are into tiki bars and Hawaiian shirts. But the pastime was vaulted into the realm of acceptable for millions of white people after the release of the movie. Suggesting a Lebowski night at a local bowling alley is a surefire hit in increasing your popularity with white people.

When you get to the alley you may notice groups of other white people who are dressed in slightly vintage clothes, look stronger than normal white people, and don’t smile very often. They are known as “working-class white people” and will probably not be amused by your white friends’ clever name for a bowling team. They will probably be even less amused by your white friend who will inevitably show up wearing a bathrobe, shorts, and sunglasses.

On second thought, it’s probably just best to avoid this movie altogether.

Haircut looks horrible on anyone who is not her.

Has seen bands you will never hear of.

Sweater because her design company loft is too drafty.

Bought the only flattering dress in the thrift shop ten minutes before you got there.

As the temperature starts to drop, many white people are forced to start wearing winter coats. Though many will simply don outdoor performance gear, a great number will turn to the number-one white winter jacket of all time: the peacoat.

The peacoat was originally worn by sailors and members of the European navy. If you think about it for a second, this means that the coat is European, coastal, and vintage—three of white people’s favorite things.

Another common characteristic of the coat is that white people will write their names on the label inside the coat. This is done not for fear of theft, but rather as a necessary precaution against party mix-ups. You see, when a white person attends a party in the wintertime they will often be required to put their jacket in a room with literally dozens of other peacoats! Since these coats often contain ticket stubs to the same concerts and identical Trader Joe’s receipts, it can be impossible to find the original owner without a name written inside.

As is the case with sweaters, the process of acquiring a peacoat is almost as important as the coat itself. Fashionable white people can purchase designer peacoats for well over $1,000, but the highest-level white people purchase theirs at army surplus stores. This makes them feel better than the white people who have spent thousands of dollars on an identical piece of clothing.

Perhaps the greatest value of the peacoat is its ability to help you determine which nonwhite people have been accepted into the ranks of white people. It is not known if the coat is given to them in an elaborate ceremony or if they buy it themselves, but in either case by wearing the coat they are telling the world that they have white friends.

Long story short: if you want to increase your popularity with white people this winter, buy a peacoat.

Every white person has at least one book published by
Vice
magazine on their coffee table, bookshelf, or toilet tank. The most popular is
Vice
’s book of fashion dos and don’ts. It is hilarious, and racist only some of the time.