Who Are You Meant to Be? (18 page)

Self-Actualizing Intellectuals negotiate to get their needs met.
They have learned to communicate and don’t disappear when others are frustrated with them. They no longer segregate themselves in order to feel safe and are able to share information without being afraid of losing their power. When they feel hurt, they talk about it rather than pretending their feelings don’t exist. Self-Actualizing Intellectuals make sure they have people around them who accept and appreciate them for who they are. They are able to tolerate their emotions and those of others, especially in close personal relationships. They stop demanding that others be as objective as they are. They learn to be aware of their partners’ needs and feelings, and they invest in becoming reasonably knowledgeable about their own emotional needs, perhaps even turning their love of learning to emotions and how to use them to build healthier relationships. They offer to help others who also have difficulty understanding their own feelings. Over time, they learn what to expect at an emotional level in various circumstances.

Activators of the Self-Protective System

With their quest for the knowledge that ultimately gives them power, authority, and mastery over information, Intellectuals are activated by people and situations that cause them to feel incompetent, irrelevant, or dominated. They fear the loss of power and authority that comes from not being the expert. It makes them feel insignificant, and they will go to great lengths to get back “in the know.” Feeling incompetent frustrates their need to be knowledgeable and therefore is what they fear most. Intellectuals do whatever they can to protect themselves from those feelings.

Demands of Others

Having to conform to social norms or others’ rules makes Intellectuals feel dominated. They “march to the beat of their own drum” so that they can be self-determined and in charge of their own world. Their behavior aligns with their own set of rules; they are activated by people who tell them they have to do things a different way. Being forced to do things in prescribed fashion for long periods also feels threatening to them.

Having Expertise Unacknowledged

Intellectuals feel irrelevant, useless, and frustrated when others don’t treat them as the expert or don’t defer to their superior knowledge. Information is power, and if someone else has it, they easily feel dominated and out of control. They especially feel this way when someone they are with knows more than they do in their area of expertise. Without their standing as the foremost authority, they feel naked and defenseless against a world that threatens to overwhelm them.

Spending Too Much Time Alone

As much as Intellectuals love time alone, they can have too much of a good thing. As they seek more solitude, they become increasingly aloof, cold, and indifferent, causing problems in their relationships. The more time spent in pursuit of knowledge, the more challenging it is for them to function well in society. Their sense of themselves is distorted because it doesn’t take into account how well (or poorly) they are getting along with others. They retreat inside the comfort of their inner sanctum and become intolerant of intrusions.

Others’ Emotionality

Intellectuals can easily feel overpowered in an emotional climate because they don’t understand why people have to get upset. Being yelled at, or simply being in the presence of someone expressing strong emotions, frightens them. If their attempts to reason with the other person fail, they withdraw into the safety of their inner world, fearful of coming back out. Any demands for them to express emotions or conform to the norms of romance and intimacy may result in stubborn defiance, as they make them feel incompetent.

I never found the companion so companionable as solitude.

—Henry David Thoreau

Unimportant, Mundane Details

Nothing fatigues the Intellectual faster than having to deal with details in the physical world. Intellectuals can spend countless hours sorting through details of interesting information, but when they have to do things like make a grocery list, sign up their children for music lessons, or decide on the best vacation spot, they feel incompetent and overwhelmed. This leads them to spend an inordinate amount of time taking care of unimportant details to increase their competence while leaving the important things undone.

Mary (Intellectual) and Earl (Stabilizer) had seen a vacation promotion in the weekend paper with several deals to the Mayan Riviera. Earl told Mary that it really didn’t matter which of the resorts they went to, provided it was a four-star establishment within their budget. Mary began gathering information on resorts and was having trouble deciding from the descriptions. As she was researching, she noticed an article on the rate of tourists’ illness in Mexico. Mary created a spreadsheet outlining the number of cases of illness at each of the resorts during the past ten years, along with the severity of the illness and availability of medical staff at the resort. She also included the rate of crime in the area. Her information was thorough and accurate, but it took so long to assemble that she missed the deadline for taking advantage of the promotion.

Confrontation

Intellectuals don’t confront others and don’t expect others to confront them, especially about the difficulty they have with practical matters. According to their self-governing system, they are playing by their own rules; unfortunately, this doesn’t mean that they are playing nicely with others. They meet their own time lines and don’t feel bound by externally generated deadlines. This doesn’t sit well with others and leads to confrontation about what the Intellectual has done wrong—again. They feel incompetent and misunderstood when others repeatedly remind them of these perceived failings.

Blind Spots

Impact on Others

Most of the time, SP Intellectuals don’t really care whether their behavior is embarrassing or rude according to others’ definitions. It’s their friends and family members who suffer the consequences of their behavior. An Intellectual who strongly believes that it is wrong to waste food may conclude that eating the leftovers from the plates of fellow diners in a restaurant is a morally upright act. The restaurant manager and the Intellectual’s dining partner may beg to differ.

Adversarial Nature

Conversation with Intellectuals often feels like a battle of words. They act as if they know everything, so even the simplest comment, like “You have mustard on your cheek,” is met with “I know.” Contradiction is common: if you say, “I understand it’s going to rain today,” the Intellectual is likely to shoot back, “No, it’s not!” without even checking the facts first. This habit is irritating to others, who lack the appetite for verbal sparring that SP Intellectuals crave.

Absence of Empathy

Although physically present at family events or other social gatherings, Intellectuals may still be in their heads and not engage with anyone. They appear disinterested and don’t realize that their disengaged and detached manner can hurt others. Their straightforward comments and criticisms of people’s behavior or beliefs can be offensive and inflammatory.

I became “the obnoxious one,” “the opinionated one,” or “the brutal one.” Well, in my mind, I’m the honest one.

—Simon Cowell

Perfectionism

Intellectuals refuse to settle for less than being the expert, setting themselves up with unrealistically high standards. Others’ standards are relatively unimportant, if Intellectuals notice them at all; their only concern is measuring up to their own. They ignore others’ opinions that things are sufficiently done, insisting that they keep going despite how it is affecting their health, relationships, and environment.

Obsessive Thinking

Intellectuals can engage in unproductive thinking and obsession over details. They often feel driven to prove the accuracy of their ideas even as they notice flaws in their thinking. If a problem comes up that they can’t resolve, they continue to work at it even if it’s unsolvable.

Upshifting to Their Self-Actualizing System

For Intellectuals to upshift to their SA System, they need to become more self-aware and to redirect their striving energy by doing the following.

Developing an Observing Self

Intellectuals must be aware of the difference between the real world and their inner world. The practice of mindfulness is critical to their developing an observing self so that they are able to distinguish between their inner and outer worlds.

As the mathematician John Nash became aware and able to separate his life as a professor and as a secret agent, he was able to function in his life. The world still existed inside of him, but he was able to live his extreme beliefs and emotions without being enslaved by them (
A Beautiful Mind
).

Letting Others In

Intellectuals need to recognize when they are distancing others by withdrawing into their own world. They upshift by naming what they are doing (“Look at me. I’m withdrawing.”) and letting others know who they are, not just what they know. Becoming aware of how secrecy and an attitude of superiority separate them from others can also help. Feedback from a trusted friend can be beneficial in this process.

Seeking Help from Others

It is critical for Intellectuals to let themselves take in information and advice from others in order to upshift to their SA System. This type of activity allows them to build tolerance to lowering their barriers to connections and intimacy with others. To shift to the SA System, Intellectuals need others to draw them out. In the film
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
, the cantankerous curmudgeon the Grinch mulls over an invitation from the kindly Whos of Whoville to attend the town’s Christmas celebration:

The nerve of those Whos, inviting me down there—on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me—I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing…I’m booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?

—The Grinch (Jim Carrey),
How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Whether grinches or not, Intellectuals need to be drawn out of their neatly compartmentalized inner worlds, but this must be done in a loving fashion by someone who recognizes how interdependent the Intellectual’s quest for knowledge and need for security are. Intellectuals must learn to notice when they are detaching from their family and friends and burying themselves in their learning. Just as Cindy Lou Who helped the Grinch nurture his heart that was “two sizes too small,” a trusted friend can help usher the Intellectual back into the circle of living, feeling human beings.

Resisting the Impulse to Be Contrary

To upshift, Intellectuals must restrain their contrary behavior. They need to understand how focusing on people’s errors or arguing and disagreeing can wear people down and destroy their relationships, and they must take responsibility for doing this. In particular, they need to know when they are agreeing to do something with no intention to do it. As they upshift, they get to know the signs that they are shutting down or feigning compliance and instead negotiate for what they need.

Deciding How Much Knowledge Is Enough

Intellectuals can shift to their SA System by setting limits in advance as to how much time they will spend becoming an expert or how much knowledge is enough. This prevents the perpetual student syndrome. Asking a friend or colleague to define an appropriate amount of time to research or investigate before moving to action can prevent the pressure that will come from others when Intellectuals fail to meet their commitments. When they don’t set limits, Intellectuals can live their lives in the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake without ever completing anything.

Growing through Relationships

Relationships are the Intellectuals’ anchor to the outer world. They need to become curious about their emotional experiences so that they no longer fear them. They must learn to tolerate the discomfort of difficult emotions. When they feel frustrated by the demands of others, they need to notice their desire to disappear into themselves. They also need to notice how the fear of emotions gets in the way of feeling safe and secure in their relationships. For them, emotions are indeed the “final frontier,” and they do well when they explore this realm with a therapist, coach, or counselor. They need a safe place to practice emotional expression and to feel what they feel without the judgment of others.

Achieving Their Full Potential

Intellectuals are content to live their lives in pursuit of knowledge and a holistic ideology. They create an inner reality for themselves consisting of information, ideas, and conclusions, much like others do in the outer world. Independent and self-sufficient, they “march to the beat of their own drum.” When they can tune in to the syncopated rhythms of emotion—theirs and others’—and can march in life’s parade rather than only observing it, they can make harmonious music that resonates not only with themselves but also with others. They are deeply and profoundly concerned with the inner workings of things and bring us the gift of knowledge when they share themselves with others. Their individuality and alignment with their own inner ideals challenges us to question things that we do rather than accepting the status quo. When these people stay connected to the people around them, they are able to make manifest the wonderful world within them so that others can understand their call to go within.

C
HAPTER
E
IGHT

THE PERFORMER—STRIVING TO BE RECOGNIZED