Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead... But Gutsy Girls Do (11 page)

Today, everything that comes into my office is put into one of five different-colored folders, depending on its priority and what kind of work it involves. I use a car service to get back and forth to the office, and having the folders makes it really simple for me to attack work in the car. I keep a pad of Post-its, and since I don't handle a piece of paper more than once (I swear, Mr. Lakein), each piece I work on is then marked with a command for my assistant. The combination of these two techniques (classifying and only handling things once) is a great system for good girls because it also forces you into the role of active delegator.

NEVER APPEAR AT THE MERCY OF YOUR TIME FOR WHAT I LEARNED THE WEEK I HAD LUNCH WITH HILLARY CLINTON AND SUSAN POWTER)

Because it's important to a good girl to be perceived as a hard worker, she never minds (in fact she
likes
it) if someone catches her looking a little frantic: riffling through papers, dashing down the hall with her hair flying, lugging home a huge pile of work on Friday afternoon. Being in overdrive, she believes, shows everyone that she not only has lots to do but is getting it done.

Though it's important to be perceived as energetic, acting frazzled or short on time actually creates the impression that you aren't under control, and that calamity is waiting just around the corner to ambush you. It makes bosses reluctant to turn more responsibility over to you and it makes co-workers and subordinates as anxious as passengers on a bumpy 747.

A few months ago, I got to see the two best living examples of the Frazzled and Unfrazzled styles. It just so happened that in one week I went to luncheons for weight-loss maven Susan (“Only fat can make you fat”) Powter and First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton.

I hosted the lunch for diet guru Susan Powter in the executive dining room so that my editors could meet her. We had just done one of the first major pieces about her in a national magazine. She burst off the elevator going eighty miles an hour, and she maintained that speed for the next two hours. Though the message she perpetuates is that women must end their insane approach to food, she never touched her meal, making the rest of us feel like gluttons. She talked almost nonstop in something very close to a bark, never asked anyone a question, and gestured wildly with her arms, at the same speed as a helicopters rotor. (I imagined myself calling security to announce that we had two or three heads rolling around the floor.)

By 2:00
P.M.
everyone on my staff looked like they'd been forced to do two hours’ worth of step aerobics while watching a televangelist speak in Pentecostal tongues.

A few days later was a luncheon for magazine editors in Washington with the First Lady. Now if anyone had the right to seem frazzled and short on time, she did (she was in the midst of promoting the Clinton health reform plan), but there was a serene quality about her. She glided into the room, took your hand slowly and carefully, and gazed into your eyes as if the only thing she wanted to be doing at that moment was looking at you. Perhaps, I thought, she'd learned a little something about Zen during a session on alternative medicine. It was a delicious experience and one that left me wanting to eat out of her hand. It was very similar to the calm, steady approach she used during her press conference on her commodities trading, which everyone, including Rush Limbaugh, admitted was a triumph.

The lesson: Yes, time is short, but never look as if it's got the best of you Take a deep breath, savor the moment, and show that you're calm and in control.

GO AHEAD. DARE TO TAKE A SHORTCUT

Admit it When you were in college you saw other kids studying with Cliffs Notes rather than reading the whole book, but you wouldn't even consider it. Taking a shortcut was almost as bad as cheating. That kind of thinking has probably stayed with you. As a good girl, you believe that if you shave anything off your workload it will somehow catch up with you. A perfect example from my own life: When I was an articles editor I had to read the unsolicited manuscripts that came in through the mail. I soon discovered that the first page alone was always enough to tell me if the piece was any good, but I dutifully would read the entire article. I had this vague sense that someone, perhaps the same enforcement team that monitored the improper removal of those
DO NOT REMOVE
tags from pillows, would discover that there were no fingerprints on the last nine pages and I would be slapped with a penalty.

Well, there are no penalties for good shortcuts. In fact, they can be your salvation on many occasions. Try using Post-its instead of writing memos, skimming the table of contents of your trade publications and journals instead of reading all the articles, writing notes back to people directly on the memos they send you.

One of my favorite gutsy-girl shortcuts is never taking notes at meetings. I learned this technique from a Kikuyu guide I had on safari in Kenya during my single years. Everyone in our group had arrived with cameras with telephoto lenses, which they rarely took away from their faces. They looked perfectly silly. I asked the guide once if he ever took photographs of the animals and he said, “The Kikuyu takes the picture in his own mind.” Considering his words later, I realized that I was so busy taking pictures myself, adjusting the f-stop and the focus, that I wasn't absorbing the raw beauty of the Kenyan landscape. That lesson not only led me to abandon my camera on my travels, but down the road it also inspired me to examine the copious notes I took at meetings. Not only did I rarely get around to consulting the notes (for starters I couldn't read them), but I'd be so busy organizing the notes and keeping pace with the speaker that I didn't fully absorb the message. Now, I listen and pick the key points to remember.

FIVE WORDS WINNERS NEVER SAY

When I got the job as editor-in-chief of
Child
with a seven-month-old baby at home, I had made a commitment to myself to leave at 5:00 every day. I soon saw that in order to do that I was going to have to be very inventive about how I used my time.

During those first weeks people constantly popped into my office with requests or handed me material to evaluate. I took it all into my little hands and promised. “I'll get back to you.” What's ironic about this approach is that there's an illusion that it buys you time when it actually uses up
more
time. You're forcing yourself to consider the request not once, but every time it stares at you from your in-box. Within several days I knew that I'd be at the office until 9:00 every night if I stayed with this approach. I could see that I would have to banish the phrase, “I'll get back to you” from my repertoire and make decisions on the spot.

Initially, making an instant decision seems scary. But if you're skilled at your job and on top of your responsibilities, there's every reason you should be able to decide something instantaneously—unless you have to look up numbers or get an okay from higher up. The reason we so often say, “I'll get back to you” isn't that we don't know the answer but because we've gotten into the habit of delaying a response (it's like saying, “ummmmm” when we speak), or we're doing it so we don't have to hurt anyone's feelings on the spot.

Begin by making instant decisions on issues that you could later change your mind on if necessary. Your paperwork will drop by about 30 percent. Anyone who works for you will love it because most employees want an answer and it drives them insane to wait. And, you will seem incredibly decisive to anyone around you.

THE BEST LESSON DR. RUTH TAUGHT ME

When I was the executive editor in charge of articles at
Mademoiselle,
Dr. Ruth Westheimer was a frequent contributor who conducted roundtables for us with young women on the topic of sex. I spent time with her before the roundtables, going over the questions and details, and I discovered that she is every bit as dynamic and wonderful in person as she is on talk shows. It would be nice if I could admit that she taught me about some exotic sexual techniques guaranteed to keep a marriage rated R for fifty years, but that's not the case What I learned isn't very sexy and yet it's served me well.

Every time Dr Ruth came to the
Mademoiselle
offices to conduct a roundtable in our showroom, she'd say. “Kate. I need to tek a vew minoots alone inn your ahfeece ” She'd then spend ten minutes eating a sandwich at my desk with the door closed. At the time I was struck mostly by the fact that her feet didn't touch the floor as she ate, but years later something else occurred to me. What she was doing was creating a little pocket of peace and quiet for herself—and I'm sure it helped refresh and energize her. I believe she was the first woman I ever saw give herself permission to do that during a workday.

I try to do that for myself now, by sneaking off to have lunch by myself or even getting a massage That's a hard thing for good girls to do because we feel that it's a sign of laziness to play. But a break ends up in the long run making you more productive. Give yourself permission.

CHAPTER
SIX

Strategy #4: A Gutsy Girl Doesn't Worry Whether People Like Her

The bottom line root of all my problems is I had a fear of not being liked. … I ended up ruling my life based upon what other people wanted me to do…. Like most women, I think I was raised with this disease to please…. It kept me from really being the person that I think I was born to be.

I
f you had to guess who made the above statement, you just might assume it was a guest on
Sally Jessy Raphael
or
Oprah,
bemoaning why life hadn't gone her way. But these words actually came from Oprah herself. Oprah Winfrey, whose ‘93–94 income was estimated at $105 million. What she seemed to be saying was that she could have done even more with her life if she hadn't been concerned with taking care of other people's needs at the expense of her own.

Now, it boggles my mind to imagine Oprah accomplishing anything more than she already has, but who knows? Maybe she could have been a star talk-show host, an Oscar-nominated actress, an outstanding businesswoman,
and
a pediatric neurosurgeon if she hadn't been such a pleaser. But regardless, I think every good girl can relate to her words, particularly that phrase “disease to please.”

Why can pleasing people be seen as a disease? Because no matter how much it might benefit anyone else, it can impair your own vitality and ability to function well.

The drive to please starts early. Every woman can look back and see how she was encouraged to be a pleaser, and yet it's so interwoven into the fabric of who we are, we're not aware of all the millions of small ways it takes hold.

Consider this fascinating nugget: In a study done recently by a Loyola University-Chicago marketing expert, it was found that by the age of three, many American girls have already learned the basics of such typically female adult rituals as gift-buying and party-giving.

“In our culture, women are primarily responsible for most of the gift- and party-giving.” says study coauthor Mary Ann McGrath, Ph.D., an associate professor of marketing at Loyola. “Through this study, we've found that girls are taught these roles, consciously or unconsciously, much earlier than we realized.”

In describing reasons for giving birthday gifts, boys were much more likely to give pragmatic answers, while girls were generally more altruistic and tended to focus on the pleasure experienced by both the giver and the recipient. One typical girl's response was, “It's nice to give presents … then they get to have lots of toys.”

Women today have become more aware of how the need to please can dominate our personal lives, especially with our boyfriends and spouses. There have been countless books and articles on how we assume the “caretaker” role in relationships, and we've learned that it's enormously healthy to learn to share that job.

We might not be aware, however, of how it takes hold at work. That “please be nice” message has burrowed in pretty deep by this point and it may affect how you relate to your boss, your peers, and your subordinates. Management consultant Judy Markus, who as head of Communication Dynamics advises hundreds of clients each year, makes this observation: “Women want to walk out of a room of business associates and feel liked by everyone in that room.”

It may seem up until now that I'm implying that trying to please people and make them like you isn't a worthwhile goal. But that's not the case at all.

“The desire to please others is a tremendously positive one,” says Judith Jordan, Ph.D., a psychologist and coauthor of
Women's Growth in Connection.
“It helps knit society together.”

It's also an essential part of our nature as females, though excuse me for paraphrasing Marilyn Quayle. According to Jean Baker Miller, the founder of the Stone Center for Research on Women at Wellesley, “Women mature in the context of relationship, contrary to the male model of autonomy and separation.” Whereas little boys must partially break away from their mothers in order to shape their identity, girls are able to form a tighter bond. Miller says that girls and women thrive in relationships and for women the apex of development is to “weave themselves zestfully into a web of strong relationships that they experience as empowering, activating, honest, and close.” Our sense of self rests on our ability to do that.

And though this sounds far less noble, and even downright mercenary, career success depends to a large degree on having the right people like you and knowing how to please them. (More about this later.)

The trouble starts when your need to please inhibits your ability to get your job done and advance your gutsy-girl plan. Playing the pleaser can cut into your time—you don't take care of your priorities because you are busy holding someone's hand or bailing them out. One theory suggests that one factor that may limit female college professors’ ability to “publish,” and thus win tenure, is the amount of time they spend mentoring, nurturing, and coordinating activities with students.

Even if you're not giving too much of your time, a desire to be liked can simply create a perception of you that undermines your efforts. You come across as needy and dependent (think Sally Field at the Academy Awards). And ultimately that can take away your control.

‘When your sense of self-worth is dependent on whether other people like you, you end up giving your power to them.” says Denver psychologist Robin Post, who counsels many career women she sees caught in the pleaser role. Over time your boss realizes that your need to be liked means you won't make a fuss over a puny raise, your peers realize that it means you won't speak up if your turf is invaded, and your secretary realizes it means you won't challenge her when she takes her fifth mental-health day. You're at their mercy.

FIRST AID FOR THE DISEASE TO PLEASE

So how can you possibly treat the disease to please? Certainly fourteen days of amoxicillin and some cold compresses to the head aren't going to knock out something that's this ingrained.

Probably the single thing that helped me overcome the need to be the most popular girl at work was the realization that it just couldn't be done. Think back to high school for a minute. One of the phrases used about popular kids is, “Everyone loves her.” In other words, back then it seemed that if you tried hard enough, it was within the realm of possibility to enchant each and every kid in your class.

But as people age, they get more complex, develop different needs and lots of emotional baggage. Winning them over is no longer as simple as passing them in the corridor and announcing, “I love your hair like that.” No matter how hard you try, some people just won't like you.

“When someone doesn't like you in your company, it might be because of something you've done, but it could just as easily be due to a factor out of your control,” says Post. “They dislike you simply because you remind them of their mother.”

Besides, even the people who like you one moment may not the next if your career really starts to barrel along and theirs doesn't. Management consultant Kay Peters of New York City has this philosophy: “If you are successful, there will be at least several people in your organization who don't like you simply due to that fact, and if you're also good looking they will hate your guts.”

HOW TO SAY NO—AND REALLY MEAN IT

Even when you change your own mind-set about being the pleaser, it will take other people a while to catch on. Having you in that role may have suited them just fine, especially if it's meant that they could count on you to lake care of some of their business—finish up their projects, tidy up their messes, listen to them rant or rave.

A big part of giving up the pleaser role is learning how to say no.

You can't say no to everything you don't like. It's your boss's right to dump some of the work on you, and in many cases, certain projects that at first glance might seem nasty could help you develop an invaluable expertise or specially or else expose you to key people in the organization. When I was working as a feature writer at
Glamour,
one of the editors walked over to my desk one day at 4:49, as she was leaving to catch the 5:10 commuter train to Long Island, tossed a manuscript on my desk, and asked me to edit it for her. I mumbled a feeble “okay” and watched in annoyance as the tail of her red coat flicked in the doorway. My job didn't include editing (in fact, I'd never even edited an article) and it was obvious that the only reason I was being given this assignment was that it was due the next day and the editor had other things to take care of.

But as I began to work on the article, I discovered how thrilling it was to edit someone's words, to scratch and rephrase and cut and paste. I also realized that I was holding a ticket in my hands. This was what I could use to launch myself up to another level. Dump all you want, I thought, and she did. Over the next few months I edited many articles, and seven months later I got a job as a senior editor at another magazine because I'd had a crash course in the process of line editing.

What you want to avoid, if possible, are the projects that are tickets to nowhere. Here's the best approach:

•  Give yourself the stomach test. When an added responsibility is a real loser, one that will do nothing for your career and only make you rue the day you ever accepted it, you will experience a dull squeezing feeling in your stomach. This is your warning that you must try to get out of it.

•  Offer an excuse that's tied to one of your key responsibilities—and make it short and sweet. For instance, let's say the human resources director has just asked you to be on the relocation committee. Your response: “I'm flattered you asked, but I have to say no. I'm supervising the sales conference and I must devote all my efforts to making that a success.”

•  Never say maybe.
Maybe
is unfortunately one of a good girl's favorite words. You really mean no, but over time you've come to believe that maybe just sounds nicer. But the person doing the asking reads maybe as a possible yes, and will continue to hound you. When you do finally say no, she will be immensely irritated for having been led down the primrose path.

TWO “PLEASER” HABITS YOU DON'T KNOW YOU HAVE

Okay, you're beginning to reform your pleaser style. But you may be looking like a pleaser even when you have no intention of being one. Good girls use two types of body language that can make them seem “too nice”:

•  The smile. Studies repeatedly show that women smile more than men. There are plenty of times when a smile will work for you. But not all the time. Alan Mazur, a professor at Syracuse University and an expert on body language, says that at the wrong moment a smile can signal you're a pushover.“When we're nervous, we look for ways to relieve our anxiety,” says Dr. Mazur. “One way is through affiliative behavior, like smiling. It can be a way to form a connection. But in a business setting the other person can begin to pick up, on an intuitive level, that the smile means you're frightened, obsequious, and intimidatable.”My speech coach, New York–based communications consultant Pam Zarit, says that many of the women she coaches come in prepared to smile their way through everything they say. Her advice is to use a smile sparingly, when you really need it. “When you plaster a smile on your face, you have no place else to go.”

•  The head nod. If you watch a meeting of men and women, you'll notice that women do most of the nodding. When
McCall's
ran a roundtable of the seven female U.S. Senators in Washington, I was struck by how much the senators nodded as their peers spoke, showing their respect and support for their colleagues’ words.But nodding can get you into trouble. It can make you look compliant, easy to please. It can also give away more than you'd planned to reveal. Sometimes we nod purely out of habit, which can totally confuse our listeners. Management consultant Nancy Austin told me that she was once in a meeting with a woman who was asked if she could cut more money from her budget. The woman forcefully defended her budget and said she couldn't—but nodded her head throughout her statement It was the old “your lips say no but your body's saying yes.”

THE GUY SECRET OF NEVER TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY

The need to be liked and the desire to please are part of a bigger issue for good girls on the job: the driving inclination to take things personally. It's probably hard for you at times not to relate what happens back to yourself. If the boss is huddled behind closed doors, if someone doesn't return a call, if someone makes a curt remark, you may immediately wonder, What did I do?

Management consultant Nancy Hamlin, who is president of Hamlin Associates, says she sees this frequently in women she works with and feels it saps their energy and attention. She tries to encourage them to look at things in a bigger context. Some people just happen to be brusque or frequently preoccupied, and if you factor that in, you realize that their behavior has nothing to do with you.

Of course, it's tougher not to personalize things when they do relate directly back to you, when, for instance, a project you've been working on gets a lukewarm response. This is where women get into what career strategist Dr. Adele Scheele calls women's “blame yourself” mind-set. Whereas men have a brilliant way of detaching themselves when things don't go their way, a good girl experiences a tidal wave of angst.

New York City management consultant Karen Berg said that she recently posed this scenario to a smart, dynamic, thirty-something woman she worked with: “You and a male colleague make a presentation to a group of clients. At the end, the clients say that they think your approach doesn't work for them. You agree to come back with some new ideas. As you and the male colleague leave the room, what are you each thinking?”

“That's easy,” said the woman “He'd be blaming the clients. I'd be blaming myself.”