William Shakespeare's Star Wars (8 page)

[
To
Jabba:
] Now have I, though, a simple charter found,

And soon as it is done, thy payment shall

Be done as well—belike with interest.

I need but time and I shall do it, Sir.

JABBA
Na-Han ma bukee. Bargon yanah cot’

Da eetha. See fah luto tweentee, ee

Yaba na—

HAN
—Nay, say thou not so much.

Fifteen percent, I’ll warrant, shall be well.

JABBA
See fah luto eetheen, ee yaba ma

Dukey massa. Eeth wong che coh pa na

Geen, nah meet’ toe bunk’ dunko. Lo choda!

HAN
O Jabba, thou wert e’er a kindly soul.

JABBA
Boska!

[Exeunt Jabba and henchmen
.

OBI-WAN
—Now if yon ship is truly fast,

As quick as this Han Solo boasted so,

We shall do well.

LUKE
[
spying ship:
]                     —What folly-fallen ship

Is this? What rough-hewn wayward scut is here?

HAN
Point-five past light speed shall she make, my lad.

Now truly, earneth she low marks for looks,

But still a finer spirit hath no ship.

Full many small improvements have I made

To render her e’en faster than before.

Now, marry, gentlemen, if thou agree,

We shall be off, and speedily, from here.

[
Aside:
] And if thy mouth insulteth it again,

I promise, boy, thy face shall meet my hand.

[Chewbacca, Obi-Wan, Luke, C-3PO, and R2-D2 board ship
.

CHORUS
But ere the ship departs the sandy dock,

The stormtroopers appear with massive threat.

Informèd by the beak’d spy’s trait’rous talk,

They come upon the ship, with weapons set.

Enter
STORMTROOPERS
.

TROOPER 5
Pray, stop yon ship! Aye, blast them to the stars!

HAN
Chewbacca, prithee, hence! Now let us go!

C-3PO
O, traveling in space, it works me woe!

[Exeunt
.

CHORUS
Mos Eisley now is left behind at last,

While newer scenes come into view apace.

As Han’s
Millenn’um Falcon
flies far fast

The action of our play moves back to space!

CHEWBAC.
Egh, auugh!

HAN
—Now are we follow’d hard upon

By an Imperi’l cruiser. Verily,

These passengers of great import must be

For they by th’Empire hotly are pursu’d.

Chewbacca, prithee, swift make our defense

And angle the deflector shield whilst I

Make plain the calculations for light speed.

Now vigilance, my Wookiee! Quickly come

Two further ships, to try and block our path.

LUKE
Nay, wherefore canst thou not outrun them both?

For thou didst boast of this strange vessel’s speed.

HAN
[
aside:
] Again he prattles on about the ship!

O would that I had left him on the ground.

[
To Luke:
] Pray mark thy words, lad, else thou surely wilt

Become like refuse to a Star Destroy’r

And float away to vanish midst the stars.

I’ll warrant we shall soon in safety fly,

Once we the jump to hyperspace can make.

And what is more, my skill doth all exceed

At making keen maneuvers. All my life

Have I escap’d one scrape and yet one more.

Well I remember when—as but a boy—

I chas’d a nerf whilst on a speeder bike.

Through rocky field in harsh terrain we went,

Within, around and backward was our game.

I caught the nerf that splendid day, but aye,

It seems I have been dodging ever since.

OBI-WAN
How long, now, ere thou canst achieve lightspeed?

HAN
A few more moments shall it take whilst this

Computer doth its navigation work.

LUKE
But art thou mad? For certain they approach!

I have not made this journey just to die.

[
Aside:
] This man shall surely be the end of me.

HAN
The travel unto hyperspace is not

The same as thine a’dusting of the crops

Upon thy land of infinite dry sand.

Sans calculations quite exact, we would

Belike run through a belt of asteroids,

Or hit upon a planet’s center mark.

Should such our fate become, thy trip would end

Before it had begun.

LUKE
—But O, what now?

What light through yonder flashing sensor breaks?

HAN
It marks the loss of yon deflector shield.

I bid thee, peace! Now sit and thou take heed,

For all’s prepar’d to jump unto lightspeed.

CHORUS
Han graspeth quick the console in his hand,

Then suddenly the ship is bath’d in light.

With roar of engine—noise profound and grand—

The great
Millenn’um Falcon
takes her flight.

[Exeunt
.

MOTTI
Now are we come to th’system Alderaan.

LEIA
Ah! Gov’nor Tarkin, scurvy knave art thou.

Now seems it plain to me that Vader doth

Perform the part of docile dog unto

The sick’ning whinny of his Master’s voice.

Familiar stench of dog’s best friend have I

Mark’d deep within my sense of smell e’en when

I came unto this station.

TARKIN
—Ever wert

Thou charming, Leia, even to the last.

Thou couldst not comprehend how hard it was—

Aye, verily, how I did sigh and weep—

To give the order to destroy thy life.

LEIA
Surpris’d am I thou had the courage so

To take responsibility for such

As this unto thy cowardly, small self.

TARKIN
[
aside:
] She groweth ever bolder, which doth but

Increase my appetite to see her scream.

[
To Leia:
] My Princess, ere thou executed art,

I would thou join me for a moment full

Of pomp and circumstance. For at this grand

And noble ceremony shall the pow’r

Of this great battle station here be shown

To be quite fully operational.

Now no star system shall e’er dare oppose

The Emperor.

LEIA
—O but how wrong thou art!

The more that thou dost exercise thy grip,

The more star systems through that grip shall fall.

TARKIN
Not after we have shown the power vast

This battle station shall to them display.

And to the point: thou hast determin’d what

The prim’ry demonstration of its force

Shall be—which planet shall oblivion face.

[
Aside:
] Now shall I drive this nail unto its home,

And watch with joy as she with grief is torn.

[
To Leia:
] Since thou hast so refus’d to grant to us

The hid location of the rebel base,

I shall unleash this station’s pow’r upon

Thine own home planet—even Alderaan.

LEIA
Nay, do not so to peaceful Alderaan!

TARKIN
Thou shalt a military target name,

Then render swift the system’s name as well.

Or else thy precious Alderaan goes to’t.

I tire of asking o’er and o’er, so thus

I promise: this shall be the final time—

Where is thy rebel base?

LEIA
—On Dantooine.

They may be found on planet Dantooine.

TARKIN
Ha, ha! Thou seest, Vader, how a cat

May have her claws remov’d. Now, Admiral,

Thou mayst continue with thy weapon’s test,

And surely mayst thou fire when all’s prepar’d.

LEIA
What madness here?!

TARKIN
—Thou far too trusting art.

The tiny Dantooine is too remote

To show this station’s pow’r but pray, fear not,

We shall in time thy rebel friends pursue.

CHORUS
To do the Governor’s most evil will,

The people on the Death Star quickly rise.

With mighty flash, the beam bursts bright and shrill

And Alderaan is shatter’d ’fore their eyes.

LEIA
[
sings:
] When Alderaan hath blossom’d bright,

Then sang we songs of nonny,

But now her day is turn’d to night,

Sing hey and lack-a-day.

My friend and I stood by the river,

Then sang we songs of nonny,

But I could not her soul deliver,

Sing hey and lack-a-day.

My planet hath the bluest shore,

Then sang we songs of nonny,

That noble land is now no more,

Sing hey and lack-a-day.

[Exeunt
.

CHORUS
The instant Alderaan is smash’d to bits,

Luke tries his lightsaber—a keen trainee.

The droids and Wookiee play a game of wits,

But Obi-Wan doth sense catastrophe.

OBI-WAN
[
aside:
] Now breaks my heart as through the Force I sense

The suffering of many worthy souls.

I know not what this doth portend, and yet

I fear the worst.

LUKE
—Good Sir, how farest thou?

OBI-WAN
Forsooth, a great disturbance in the Force

Have I just felt. ’Twas like a million mouths

Cried out in fear at once, and then were gone,

All hush’d and quiet—silent to the last.

I fear a stroke of evil hath occurr’d.

But thou, good Luke, thy practice recommence.

HAN
Thou mayest all thy troubles now forget,

Th’Imperi’l knaves have been outrun at last.

[
Aside:
] Well here’s a solemn gathering indeed,

Quite lacking in the proper gratitude.

[
To Obi-Wan and Luke:
] Nay, speak thou not thy thanks too heartily,

Else shall thy praise go swiftly to my head.

But here’s the point, we shall at Alderaan

Arrive ere long.

[R2-D2 makes a move against Chewbacca in the game they play
.

C-3PO
—Pray, R2, caution show.

R2-D2
Beep, whistle, squeak, beep, meep, hoo whistle.

CHEWBAC.
—Auugh!

C-3PO
A fair move hath he made, thou furry lump.

No use is there in screaming o’er the loss.

[Aside:]
However did I join this company?

A Wookiee and his smuggler captain—O!

CHEWBAC.
Egh.

HAN
—Be thou wise, droid, mark well what thou dost.

As it is said: black holes are worth thy fear,

But fear thou more a Wookiee’s deadly wrath.

C-3PO
But Sir, no proverb warns the galaxy

Of how a droid may hotly anger’d be.

HAN
Aye, marry, ’tis because no droid hath e’er

Torn out of joint another being’s arms

Upon a lesser insult e’en than this—

But Wookiees, golden droid, are not so tame.

C-3PO
Thy meaning, Sir, doth prick my circuit board.

’Tis best to play the fool, and not the sage,

To say it brief: pray let the Wookiee win.

CHEWBAC.
Auugh!

R2-D2
[
aside:
]                            —Brute! The fool I’ll play with thee, indeed.

Yet I perceive thou and thy friend have heart.

[Luke continues to practice with his lightsaber against the remote
.

OBI-WAN
Remember, Luke, the Force doth smoothly flow

Within the feelings of a Jedi Knight.

LUKE
But doth the Force control one’s ev’ry move?

OBI-WAN
’Tis somewhat so, but also shall the Force

Obey thine every command, young Luke.

LUKE
[
aside:
] This Force, by troth, I’ll never comprehend!

It doth control and also doth obey?

And ’tis within and yet it is beyond,

’Tis both inside and yet outside one’s self?

What paradox! What fickle-natur’d pow’r!

Aye: frailty, thy name—belike—is Force.

[
To Obi-Wan:
] Alack! This small remote hath struck again!

HAN
Ha, ha! Thy errant systems of belief—

Thy weapons ancient, all thy mysteries,

Thy robes and meditations o’er the air,

Thy superstitions, e’en thy precious Force—

Cannot compare to my religion true:

A trusty blaster ever by my side.

With thus I say my prayers and guard my soul.

LUKE
Devoted foll’wer must thou be, with such

A speech. Pray tell me, pilgrim reverent:

Dost thou most truly disbelieve the Force?

HAN
A pilgrim, truly said! For I have gone

From galaxy to galaxy and more,

Yet never hath this faithful worshipper

Found aught to recommend that strange belief—

A single Force that binds the universe.

True ’tis, no power mystical controls

Han Solo’s yet unfinish’d destiny.

And so I preach the one and only faith:

My simple, merry tricks are all my gods,

And nonsense is the only testament.

I worship at the shrine of my own will.

OBI-WAN
[
aside:
] A wise philosopher if e’er there was.

I’ll warrant he hath character he hides.

[
To Luke:
] Now prithee, try again, and lay aside

Thy conscious self. Take thou this helmet thick,

Adorn thine eyes with silver shield opaque

And trust thine instincts only as thy guide.

LUKE
But surely ’tis a jest! For with this shield

I nothing now can see. How can I fight?

Aye, truly—fight or walk or even stand?

Without one’s sight but little can be done.

OBI-WAN
Nay, ’tis in blindness one doth truly see!

For eyes deceive and sight is known to lie.

Let feelings be thy sight—their guidance trust!

CHORUS
With mind unsure Luke readies for the fight.

The small remote doth dodge most suddenly,

But with calm mind Luke blocks its lasers bright—

With inner eye the Force has let him see.

OBI-WAN
Hurrah! Thou canst do it!

HAN
—’Tis luck, no more.

OBI-WAN
Experience hath taught me much, dear man,

And none of it hath shown me aught of luck.

HAN
To find success against a small remote,

Is well, and taketh skill, I do confess.

To find success against a living soul,

However, also taketh excellence.

[Console beeps
.

It seemeth we draw near to Alderaan.

[Exeunt Han Solo and Chewbacca
.

LUKE
I did feel something, Obi-Wan, ’tis true.

It seems I fix’d my soul’s eye on th’remote.

OBI-WAN
Seems, young one? Nay, thou didst! Think thou not seems.

Thou hast thy first step ta’en toward a world

Far greater than thou now canst understand.

[Exeunt Luke, C-3PO, and R2-D2
.

And thus begins—if I have seen aright—

His transformation into Jedi Knight.

[Exit Obi-Wan
.