William Shakespeare's Star Wars (3 page)

C-3PO
All praise be to the Maker, verily,

This oily bath much healing shall provide.

The glow of bright Coruscant doth not match

The vital warmth this soothing oil brings me.

The case of dust contamination which

Befalls me mighty is, and renders me

Unable—I’ll be sworn—to move at all!

LUKE
I rue the day I came unto this place,

This drab and barren rock call’d Tatooine.

But wherefore have I reason to complain?

Do sandstorms not invade both rich and poor?—

We are not promis’d equity in life.

Both rich and poor alike pertain to me:

For certain, though in toil am I most rich,

By want of keen adventure am I poor.

Thus I declare that whether rich or poor,

The lot I have receiv’d from Fate’s unfair!

My comrade Biggs hath rightly guess’d, I fear,

That never shall I leave this stricken place!

C-3PO
[
aside:
] O exclamation tragic! Shall I speak?

[
To Luke:
] Is there, dear Sir, aught I might do to help?

LUKE
Nay, droid, ’less thou canst alter time, or make

The harvest come apace, or, goodly friend,

If thou canst somehow bear my body hence

By magical conveyance yet unknown.

C-3PO
I think not, Sir, for merely droid am I,

And have not knowledge of such things as thou.

Not on this planet, anyway. In troth,

I do not know which planet this one be.

LUKE
If center bright the universe contains,

Then surely, droid, hast thou now found thyself

As far from it as thou canst poss’bly be.

C-3PO
I see, Sir.

LUKE
—Surely, thou may’st call me Luke.

C-3PO
I see, Sir Luke.

LUKE
—Thou jolly droid, just Luke.

[
Aside:
] This droid, I see, is wont to prattle on,

Belike his mouth is faster than his mind.

[Luke begins to clean R2-D2
.

C-3PO
C-3PO am I, an expert in

The human-cyborg link. And he, my short

Blue counterpart, is R2-D2 called.

LUKE
Good e’en.

R2-D2
—Beep, squeak!

LUKE
—Thou hast much carbon here,

It seemeth much of Fortune thou hast known.

Aye, can it be that two such droids as you

Can know more of adventure than a man?

C-3PO
With all we have been through, amaz’d am I

We yet our good condition keep, what with

Rebellion and its hurly-burly ways.

LUKE
Nay, can it be? The very thing of which

I would know more thou hast experienc’d?

Pray, knowest thou of the rebellion ’gainst

The Empire, droid?

C-3PO
—For certain, aye, ’tis how

We came to be in thine employment, if

Thou comprehend my simple meaning, Sir.

[
Aside:
] Now is his visage turn’d all eagerness—

O never in this manner have I seen

A man intoxicated with a dream!

LUKE
And hast thou been in many battles? Speak!

Whatever morsel thou mayst serve to me

Shall be a feast unto my waiting ear;

The smallest tale of battle lost or won

Shall feed my soul’s ne’er-ending appetite!

C-3PO
Full many battles, aye, Sir. But I fear

I have but little food to fill thy heart—

A banquet, sadly, I cannot prepare,

’Tis certain that of tales I am no chef.

But rather, I confess that not much more

Than an interpreter am I, and not

Much good at telling stories—verily,

I’ve not the salt or spice to season them.

LUKE
’Tis well, my droid. So shall my hunger wait

To feast one day upon another’s tale.

[
To R2-D2:
] My little ’bot, thou hast got something jamm’d

Herein. Hast thou been on a cruiser or—

LEIA
O help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, help.

Thou art mine only hope.

LUKE
—Pray, what is this?

R2-D2
Squeak?

C-3PO
—What is what? A question hath he asked!

Say, what is that?

LEIA
—O help me, Obi-Wan

Kenobi, help. Thou art mine only hope.

O help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, help.

Thou art mine only hope.

R2-D2
—Beep, meep, meep, hoo.

Squeak, beep, meep, beep.

C-3PO
—He says ’tis nothing, Sir.

A mere malfunction, bygone data ’tis.

Please, pay no mind.

LUKE
—But who is she? For she

Is far more beautiful than all the stars.

C-3PO
I truly do not know, Sir. I suspect

She was a passenger on our last trip,

A person of importance, I believe.

[
Aside:
] First ’twas adventure, second ’tis this lass.

’Tis certain my new Master hath a wealth

Of passion, ever eager to bestow.

LUKE
Say, is there any more recording, droid?

R2-D2
Squeak, beep!

C-3PO
—Behave thyself, R2! For thou

Shalt get us both in trouble. Be content,

And trust him true. He is our master now.

R2-D2
Beep, beep, beep, meep, beep, squeak, beep, meep, squeak, hoo.

C-3PO
He saith he doth belong to Obi-Wan

Kenobi, resident of parts nearby,

And ’tis a private message meant for him.

For all my wit, I know not what he means,

For our last Master Sir Antilles was.

Alas, with all we have endur’d, this dear

Small R2 unit quite eccentric is.

R2-D2
Squeak!

LUKE
—Obi-Wan Kenobi … I suspect

Old Ben Kenobi he doth mean, perhaps.

First droids, then tales of battles fought in space,

And now a damsel cries in beams of light!

Did ever destiny come knocking thus?

C-3PO
I beg thy pardon, Sir, but know’st thou aught

Of what he speaks?

LUKE
—I know not any man

Nam’d Obi-Wan Kenobi, yet old Ben

Resides beyond the Dune Sea, and there dwells

Much like a hermit, strange and lone.

LEIA
—O help

Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, help. Thou art

Mine only hope.

LUKE
—I wonder who she is.

Whoever she may be, whatever is

Her cause, I shall unto her pleas respond.

Not e’en were she my sister could I know

A duty of more weight than I feel now.

It seemeth she some dreadful trouble hath—

Mayhap I should replay the message whole.

R2-D2
Beep, squeak, squeak! Meep, hoo, meep.

C-3PO
—R2 doth say

The bolt restraining him short-circuited

His full recording system. So saith he,

That if thou wouldst with speed remove the bolt,

He may the full recording then display.

[
Aside:
] What purpose shall I serve unto this man?

Am I to guide, encourage, counsel—what?

Thus shall I play the wise interpreter,

For truly ’tis the part I know the best.

LUKE
What? Aye, thou seem’st too small to run away

If I should take this off. Good little droid,

So cleverly thou bringest messages,

That thou hast won my trust. Now, thou art free.

[Exit Princess Leia from beam
.

But wait, where hath she gone? What villainy!

How hast thou dampen’d that celestial light

Wherein she spoke of late? Now bring her back,

Play back the message full, thou naughty droid!

R2-D2
Meep, meep?

C-3PO
—What message, errant droid? The one

Thou hast been playing, which thou hold’st within

Thy rusty innards. [
Aside:
] O, alas! We shall

Deactivated be!

BERU
[
inside:
]                —O Luke? Pray, Luke?

LUKE
I shall be there anon, good aunt Beru!

C-3PO
I’m sorry, Sir. For it doth seem he hath

Acquir’d a minor flutter.

LUKE
—Thus she comes,

And thus she goes. Yet ever on my sight

Her beautiful, fine countenance shall shine.

So here’s my vow: I’ll see her once again,

In beam, or—hope on hope!—with my own eyes.

For now, I must depart to dine. Pray, see

If thou canst remedy this R2, droid.

[Exit Luke
.

R2-D2
Hoo.

C-3PO
—Reconsider, thou, if thou shalt play

The message back for him.

R2-D2
—Beep, meep, hoo, whee?

C-3PO
Nay, I do not believe he liketh thee.

R2-D2
Beep, squeak?

C-3PO
—Nay, thee I like not either.

R2-D2
—Hoo.

[Exit C-3PO
.

Now are the pieces all arrang’d for me

To make a daring move, and fly this place.

The fool who sets the game in motion shall

Appear unto C-3PO and Luke

No more than if he were an arrant knave.

But hear the voice of R2-D2, all:

My noble purpose I’ll accomplish yet—

To take to Obi-Wan the princess’ news,

To take my Master Luke away from here,

And, in the end, perhaps more vital still—

To make connection twixt the two good men.

A foolish thing this flight may seem to thee,

And yet more fine than foolish shall it be.

[Exeunt
.

LUKE
Mine uncle, thou shouldst know my mind. Methinks

The R2 unit we have bought belike

May have been stolen.

OWEN
—Thievery hath e’er

Been part and parcel of the Jawas’ trade.

But in thine utterance I sense there’s more,

So say, young Luke, why thinkest thou thereon?

LUKE
Good uncle, well I know the Jawas’ tricks,

Yet, as thou sayest, I mean something more.

A stolen moment with those droids hath shown

To me a reason they may stolen be:

I did uncover a recording whilst

I clean’d the R2 unit. He purports

To be the property of someone known

As Obi-Wan Kenobi. Thus, thought I,

That he may stolen be. As to the name,

This Obi-Wan Kenobi, wondered I

If mayhap he meant Ben. Canst thou make sense?

OWEN
Nay.

LUKE
—Yet I wonder if this Obi-Wan

Perchance may be some kin to yonder Ben.

OWEN
[
aside:
] Fie, fie! Shall that old man now haunt my home?

[
To Luke:
] That wizard is a damnèd scurvy man.

Tomorrow shalt thou take the R2 droid

To Anchorhead and have its memory

Eras’d. And so shall there an end be to’t.

For it belongeth only now to us.

LUKE
Aye, yet what if this Obi-Wan appears

And lays his claim unto this R2 droid?

What’s stolen may be worth the looking for.

OWEN
The looking shall not happen, nor the find,

For I believe the man doth not exist.

[
Aside:
] Now shall I by a lie destroy the man,

Lest he be giv’n new life in Luke’s young mind—

The boy a keen imagination hath.

[
To Luke:
] This Obi-Wan hath not for ages walk’d

Within this universe: he is no more.

’Twas many moons ago the old man died,

Aye, truly he hath met his end about

The time so long ago when wars were fought,

The time when men did battle to the grave,

The time before the Empire rul’d supreme,

The time wherein thy father died as well.

LUKE
Knew he my father?

OWEN
[
aside:
]                 —Though I tell of men

And wars and battles brave, still all he hears

Is that word “father.” [
To Luke:
] Prithee, Luke, forget.

Thy task is to prepare the droids for work

Tomorrow. In the morning shall they be

Upon the south ridge, laboring with those

Condensers.

LUKE
—Aye, and I believe these droids

Shall serve us well. In troth, good uncle, now

I must confess my mind is mov’d to think

Upon the pact ’twixt thee and me, and our

Agreement, namely that I shall stay here

Another season. Crops that grow in these

Harsh climes will surely grow sans me. And so,

Mine uncle, if these droids will satisfy

I wish my application to transmit

Unto the great Academy this year.

OWEN
Nay Luke, an uncle’s heart is breaking! Canst

Thou mean the next semester hence, before

The harvest-time?

LUKE
—Just so! Quite plentiful

Are droids!

OWEN
—But harvest-time I need thee most!

Wilt thou here in the desert yet desert?

’Tis only one more season. This year I

Shall make enough at harvest-time to hire

More hands to help. Then canst thou go next year

To the Academy. To pilot is

A noble trade, my boy, but family

Is nobler still. I prithee, understand,

I need thee, Luke.

LUKE
—’Tis one more year entire!

OWEN
’Tis only one more season!

LUKE
—Aye, so saidst

Thou when my dear friends Biggs and Tank did leave.

Now cracks a hopeful heart, when, by the land,

A man’s ambitions firmly grounded are:

So shall a bird ne’er learn to fly or soar

When wings are clipp’d by crops and roots and soil.

BERU
Pray whither fly’st thou, Luke?

LUKE
—It seems, dear aunt,

I nowhere go nor flee nor sail nor fly.

Instead, I must remain and clean those droids.

[Exit Luke
.

BERU
O Owen, he cannot abide for aye

With us. ’Tis true, his friends are mostly gone.

It hath great meaning for our well-lov’d Luke—

This bird would surely fly.

OWEN
—So promise I

That I shall set all things aright, Beru.

The bird shall fly indeed, when time is ripe,

And when the nest hath no more need of him.

BERU
But Owen, he hath not a farmer’s heart—

This apple falls quite near his father’s tree.

OWEN
’Tis true! And this, my dear, is what I fear.

[Exeunt Owen and Beru. Reenter Luke, gazing into the setting of Tatooine’s two suns
.

LUKE
O, I am Fortune’s fool. ’Tis true, ’tis true,

And gazing now upon the double sun

Of my home Tatooine, I know full well

That elsewhere lies my destiny, not here.

Although my uncle’s will is that I stay,

My heart within me bursts to think on it

For out among the spheres I wish to roam—

Adventure and rebellion stir my blood.

Those oft-repeated words of my mate Biggs

I do believe—that all the world’s a star.

Beyond that heav’nly light I shall fly far!

[Exit
.