William Shakespeare's Star Wars (2 page)

PILOT
There strays another one.

CAPTAIN
—Pray, hold thy fire:

For certain there are no life forms aboard.

And truly what may be the chance that aught

But life alone could fly within that pod?

The rebels could not be so cunning bold

To put the Death Star plans therein. If I

Were one to bet, I’d stake my life on it!

All’s well that endeth well, so say the wise,

And so that pod shall live to land below.

[Exeunt chief pilot and captain
.

C-3PO
’Tis but a jest—aye surely, we are mock’d!

For R2-D2, plainly canst thou see

The damage looks but minor from below.

Can thou be sure this pod is safe?

R2-D2
—Beep.

C-3PO
—O.

[Exeunt
.

LEIA
Darth Vader, only thou couldst be so bold.

When first my ship was under siege, I knew

’Twas thee who had this peaceful vessel sack’d.

Th’Imperi’l Senate shall not stand for this.

For when they hear thou hast attack’d a ship

On diplomatic mission—

VADER
—Highness, peace!

Be thou not so surpris’d. For well thou knowst

A mercy mission this was not, this time.

Thine innocent appearance doth disguise

A heart with revolution at its core.

Aye, several transmissions were there beam’d

Unto this ship by rebel spies. I want

To know what happen’d to the plans they sent!

And prithee, speak thou well, or speak thy last,

For fairer necks than thine my hand hath crush’d.

LEIA
Thine idle threat is meaningless to me.

My neck, my tongue, my mouth—these instruments

Of speech have not the power to relate

The knowledge that thou seek’st. For certain ’tis

I nothing know of what thou ask of me.

For I am but a member of the great

Imperi’l Senate, bound for Alderaan

On mission diplomatic.

VADER
—Nay, thou liest!

For thou art with the reb’l alliance vile,

And worse, a traitor! Take this one away!

[Exeunt stormtroopers with Princess Leia
.

The blood and wires within me leap with fire

When all these trait’rous words I must endure.

COMMAND.
Lord, holding her is dangerous. If word

Of this is told, then sympathy may rise

For the Rebellion in the Senate’s mind.

So shall our pow’r o’er all the universe

Be weaken’d by this wicked, cunning wretch.

’Tis like the tale my mother told me once

Of bygone emperor whose reign was lost

When putrid Ugnaughts rose against his throne.

So hath my mother said, and I with her:

A deathly blow oft comes from tiny fist,

And greatest tree may fall by smallest axe.

VADER
Commander, peace, and trouble not thy mind

With tales of old. The princess shall reveal

Her treachery when all’s to do is done.

The rebel spies are aptly traced to her,

And now is she my only link to find

The hidden rebel base.

COMMAND.
—I’ll wager she

Will die ere she tells thee.

VADER
—Leave that to me.

Now go, be on thy way, and take this task:

Send thou a signal of distress, and then

Inform the Senate all aboard were kill’d.

So shall our presence here be hid from sight,

And thus our swift attack shall not be known.

CAPTAIN
Lord Vader, sorry am I to report:

There are no battle plans aboard this ship,

And neither were transmissions made. There was

But one escape pod jettison’d amid

The fighting. But no life forms were aboard.

For certain ’twas a harmless accident.

VADER
With purpose rank must she have quickly hid

The plans in the escape pod.

CAPTAIN
—Woman vile!

Howe’er could she deceive my subtle mind?

The plans in the escape pod! O, most rare!

VADER
Pray, cease thy speech and mark ye what I say:

Take thou a keen and swift detachment down,

And bring me back the plans. Commander, go!

See to the task thyself, before the chime—

There shall be none to stop our plan this time!

[Exeunt
.

CHORUS
And now, dear viewers, shall our play go to

A planet stark and drear for our next scene.

Imagine sand and rocks within thy view.

Prepare thy souls—we fly to Tatooine!

C-3PO
Forsooth, how did we get into this mess?

I tell thee verily, I know not how.

A thousand tauntaun bow’ls could not produce

A greater desecration than this place.

Alas, we two are made for suffering—

I fear, R2, ’tis but our lot in life.

More than six million forms of speech I know,

Yet not a one shall help me now.

R2-D2
—Beep, beep.

C-3PO
Now must I rest before I come apart,

My joints are nearly frozen! Aye, I freeze!

For ’tis as though the vicious cold of death

Hath sunken deep into my circuitry.

O what a desolate terrain this is!

[R2-D2 begins to depart
.

R2-D2
Beep, beep, beep, whistle, beep, beep, meep, beep, beep!

C-3PO
Where dost thou think thou goest?

R2-D2
—Beep, beep, beep!

[
Aside:
] Now shall I leave his company awhile—

Belike my absence shall alleviate

His obstinate resolve, and teach him thoughts

Of kindness, care and good humility.

C-3PO
Well I shall not go thither with thee, droid!

’Tis far too rocky. Canst thou not perceive?

Nay, truly. For the sun upon thy cold

And hard exterior hath surely warp’d

Thine often prudent mind. Pray, understand:

The road herein is better far. Why dost

Thou think that settlements will be found yon?

R2-D2
Beep, beep.

C-3PO
—Be thou not technical with me,

Or else thine input valve may swift receive

A hearty helping of my golden foot.

R2-D2
Beep, squeak.

—What mission? What dost thou speak of?

R2-D2
Squeak, squeak, beep.

C-3PO
—More of thee I shall not take.

So, go thou hence! Thou shalt malfunction ere

The day is through, nearsighted pile of scrap!

Now may’st thou travel hence upon thy way

And find thy mission in a sarlacc pit!

Then shalt thou know for lo, these thousand years,

The pain I suffer as thy counterpart!

And be thou not behind me, arrant knave.

Aye, mark me—follow not, nor seek thou help,

For thou no satisfaction shalt receive.

R2-D2
Beep, beep, beep, meep. Beep, beep, beep, squeak, squeak, squeak!

C-3PO
No more with thine adventures! I go not

Upon thy way. [
R2-D2 exits
.] Malfunctioning small fool!

’Tis all his fault. He trick’d me so that I

Should go this way. But he shall not fare well.

O gods above, why have I once again

Been short with R2, sending him away?

I trust he knoweth well I hold him dear,

Though in his presence oft my speech is cruel.

’Tis words that do betray my better self

When harshly they express my droidly rage.

And yet for protocol I’m made, and must

With words fulfill my task. So then ’tis true

That words are both my ruin and my strength.

And yet—although I find myself adrift

And lost within a speechless sea of sand—

This word is true if ever words have truth:

Forever lost I’d be should I lose him.

But wait, what’s that? A transport! Saved am I!

Hark, over here! Hey nonny non! Please help!

[C-3PO exits
.

CHORUS
A vessel vast comes forth across the sand,

And takes C-3PO within its hold.

But what of R2-D2’s mission grand?

How doth the tale of this small droid unfold?

R2-D2
Beep, ooh, beep, beep, beep, squeak.

JAWA 1
—Peska bahman.

Te peska bahman. Fuligiliha!

R2-D2
Ahh! Beep, beep, squeak, beep, beep, ahh!

[Jawas stun R2-D2, who falls
.

JAWA 2
—Utinni!

[Jawas carry R2-D2 into transport
.

CHORUS
Imagine now that on this stage you see

Full many droids and creatures quite bizarre.

And yet, amid this ghastly company,

Herein the two friends reunited are.

C-3PO
Good R2? R2-D2, O ’tis thee!

R2-D2
Beep, beep, beep, whistle, squeak, beep, meep, beep, whee!

[Exeunt
.

TROOPER 3
There was someone within this pod, indeed.

The tracks go off in this direction. See?

TROOPER 4
Behold, Sir, either someone large hath dropp’d

His ring, or else this fragile circle here

Doth mean we have found droids on Tatooine!

[Exeunt stormtroopers
.

C-3PO
At last this vehicle of death hath stopp’d!

So greatly fear I what shall happen next

That I am shaken to my core within.

They say that fear is better fac’d when two

Together stand. Thus, swift shall I awake

My dear R2. Wake up, wake up!

R2-D2
—Beep, squeak!

C-3PO
We’re doomed! Dost thou think they shall melt us down?

JAWA 1
Me punna tynda ding. Utinni! Beh!

C-3PO
Shoot not! O shall this torment never end?

First captur’d by these Jawas small and vile,

And now we face a fate that is unknown.

Now seems the first fate better than the next—

Aye, rather would I bear the ill I have,

Than fly to others that I know not of.

OWEN
Anon, now let us go!

BERU
—O Luke! O Luke!

Pray, tell thine uncle that if he should find

A translator, be sure it Bocce speaks.

[
Aside:
] ’Tis true, the last time Owen bought a droid,

More dud than droid we purchas’d in the deal.

LUKE
It seemeth we have little choice, dear aunt.

And yet shall I remind him what thou say’st.

[Exit Beru into Lars homestead
.

OWEN
Again it falls to me, a simple man,

To take a leading role in matters grave.

For I must choose a droid today, ’tis true,

But also must I teach this lad, this Luke,

To learn and grow, and to become a man.

Although when I was young I too had dreams

Of far-off stars and distant galaxies,

I learn’d to work the land, to raise the crops.

And thus shall I my trade pass on to him,

Adopted son of mine and strangely dear.

I had not ask’d for Fate to bring a son

To me, for I had thought to have no heir.

Yet do Beru and I feel for this child

A measure of affection, and—as well—

The burden of responsibility.

[
To Jawa 2:
] Pray tell me, Jawa small,

what hast today?

JAWA 2
Me punna tynda ding.

OWEN
—Nay, not that one.

[
Aside:
] These Jawas offer first the lowliest,

’Tis ever in their nature to deceive.

[
To C-3PO:
] Droid, I assume that thou art

programmed well

For etiquette and protocol. ’Tis true?

C-3PO
Aye, protocol—my prim’ry function ’tis!

I am well versed in all the customs, Sir.

OWEN
No need have I of droids with protocol.

C-3PO
Not in this habitat, thou speakest true:

Hath ever sand a need of protocol?

When did a stone or rock need etiquette?

However, I am also made—

OWEN
—Peace! What

I need’s a droid who knows the bin’ry tongue

Of moisture vaporators.

C-3PO
—O, but Sir!

My first employment was in programming

A bin’ry load a’lifter very like

Thy vaporators. Aye, in most respects.

[
Aside:
] My service and my worth I’ll prove to him

If I must speak a thousand hours more.

For certain, I shall die ere I return

Once more to be in rank captivity.

OWEN
Well. Speak’st thou Bocce?

C-3PO
—Truly Sir! ’Tis like

A second tongue unto my soul.

OWEN
—Pray, cease!

[
To Jawas:
] So shall I have this one here.

C-3PO
[
Aside:
]—Praise the day!

Now if he chooseth also my R2,

Aye, then shall I be pleas’d.

JAWA 1
—Mabbin beh!

OWEN
—Luke!

Take thou these droids unto our vast garage.

My wish it is they clean’d be ere we dine.

LUKE
But unto Tosche Station would I go,

And there obtain some pow’r converters. Fie!

OWEN
Thou canst go with thy friends another time,

When all thy chores have been fulfilled. Go to!

LUKE
[
aside:
] O how shall I be mock’d, and verily

Abusèd when my noble comrades hear

That once again my uncle hath denied

My fervent wish to be with them instead.

[
To Owen:
] ’Tis well. [
To Droids:
] Come hither! Thou too, Red.

R5-D4
—Beep hoo.

LUKE
Go hence!

R2-D2
—Beep, squeak, beep, beep, squeak meep beep, beep!

[
Aside:
] If I go not with him, my foolishness

Shall render no one service. Thus, I beep.

JAWA 2
Bwana beh!

R2-D2
—Ahh!

[R5-D4 begins to smoke and fail
.

LUKE
—Pray, uncle Owen, look!

Behold! This R2 unit hath a foul

And smoking motivator!

OWEN
—Vicious knave!

Say, in what manner dost thou try upon

Our goodly wills to ply thy thievery?

So shall I rip thy brown and ragged robes

To shreds, if thou set not this matter right.

Now speak!

JAWA 1
—Me punna tynda ding.

R2-D2
—Beep, squeak!

C-3PO
[
to Luke:
] Your pardon, Sir. The R2 unit which

Thou seest is in prime condition, aye,

A bargain ’tis, and he shall serve thee well.

[
Aside:
] Now if I can convince the human here

To purchase R2 too, along with me,

So shall I win the day! And ever shall

Yon R2-D2 dwell in peace with me.

What shall he answer?

LUKE
—Uncle Owen, say!

Hast thou consider’d yonder blue droid there?

OWEN
What of that blue one? That one shall be ours.

C-3PO
[
aside:
] O vict’ry! Next, I’ll praise him for his choice.

[
To Luke:
] A noble choice thou makest, Master, for

Thou surely shalt be pleas’d with this new droid.

I can with confidence report to thee

That he is in first-class condition, Sir,

For I have work’d with him before. He comes!

R2-D2
Beep, meep, beep, squeak.

LUKE
—Anon, away we go.

[Exeunt Luke, Owen, Jawas, and Droids
.

C-3PO
Forget thou not this moment, faithless droid!

Why I should put my neck at risk for thee

Is quite beyond my mind’s capacity.

[Exeunt
.