William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return (10 page)

A wundah wundah,

Shutee gundah,

Shutee baddee,

Nundah nundah.

[Wicket hides.

[
to Leia:
] Stand down, milady, else you breathe your last!

[
To Scout 8:
] Go, get thy bike, and take her back to base,

For none but our own troops have clearance to

Be on the sanctuary moon. She must

Give answer for her furtive presence here.

Indeed, Sir.

[Imperial Scout 8 begins to exit. Wicket comes out of hiding and strikes Imperial Scout 7.

—O! What manner of a beast—

[Princess Leia hits Imperial Scout 7, who falls unconscious. Imperial Scout 8 begins to run.

Now, blaster, hit thy mark, else we’re found out!

[Princess Leia shoots and kills Imperial Scout 8.

Good cheer! The scout is slain, and we are safe.

I give thee thanks, thou bantam warrior,

For thy protection and thy bravery.

Come, let us go at once, ere others come.

A yubnub, yubnub,

Shessa noolub,

Shessa frenda,

Yubyub, yubyub.

[
aside:
] Although it seems I came from over there

He wisheth me to follow him that way.

Belike in following I’ll earn his trust.

Then shall I make our budding friendship real

And see what this chance meeting may reveal.

[Exeunt.

Now wherefore hast thou come to see me here?

Thine orders were to stay aboard thy ship.

I would not disobey thine orders, were

It not of grave importance to our cause.

A rebel force hath made it past the shield,

And landed on the forest moon of Endor.

I know all this already.

—And my son

Is with them on their mission.

—Art thou sure?

Forsooth, for I have felt him.

—Strange that I

Have not. Lord Vader, are thy feelings on

This matter clear, or need’st thou clarity?

[
aside:
] Well ask’d, for my confusion he doth sense.

[
To Emperor:
] My thoughts are clear, my master.

—This, then, shalt

Thou do: fly to the sanctuary moon,

And wait upon him there, for he shall come.

Indeed? ’Tis he who shall come unto me?

I have foreseen it. His compassion for

His long-lost father shall mean his defeat.

’Tis he shall come to thee, and thou shalt bring

Him hither, unto me. Thus it shall be.

Whatever thou dost wish, I grant to thee.

[Exeunt.

A’searching in the forest, we have found

No trace of my belovèd. Yet I see

These wreck’d and tangl’d bikes afore mine eyes,

And must assume the worst. Some horrid fate,

Some accident of fortune hath befall’n,

And ta’en my love too quickly from my grasp.

O let it ne’er be so, and let me not

With grief and anguish live out all my days.

Although we find not Leia, let us still

Some hope discover deep within these woods.

This helmet have I found, near yonder log.

The tree that once so tall and stately stood,

Hath been by some unnat’ral force knock’d down.

But all that doth remain there is the top,

That once rose high above the forest’s roof.

O tree, that lost its trunk and turn’d to log!

O helmet—without wearer—turn’d to shell.

Good Master Luke, his heart doth break within.

Two more wreck’d speeders yonder did I see,

And this poor, empty helmet tells a tale.

I fear that R2’s sensors can find no

Suggestion of dear Princess Leia near.

I hope—O greatest hope, O fondest hope—

With all my being hope she may be well.

Auugh!

—Egh. Egh, auugh!

I do not understand, Chewbacca. It

Is just a piece of meat, and nothing more.

Auugh!

—Nay! Pray, patience!

[All are caught in a net and raised into the air.

—Wonderful! The ones

Who wish’d to find become the ones found out,

Who wish’d to net a princess, netted are,

Who pray’d to find her, find themselves now prey.

And why? Because the one who thinketh least

Hath thought with appetite and not with mind.

Since fault of thought hath got us to this place,

Let us be calm, and reason our way out.

Canst thou reach my lightsaber, Han?

—Indeed!

[Han Solo tries but cannot reach the lightsaber.

[
aside:
] Once more it lies in me to save these men.

Mayhap a fall upon their rears shall serve

Them well. Now quickly to thy work, my blade!

[R2-D2 begins to cut the net.

R2, dost think that wise? ’Tis far to fall!

Down, down, we fall!

—Alack!

—O, R2!

—Auugh!

Safe from the net, yet hard upon the ground.

Although my mind is grateful for the help,

My back doth cry for vengeance on the droid

Whose foolish act hath knock’d us flat.

—But look,

How many furry beings are there here!

O brave new world, that has such creatures in’t!

[Teebo points his spear at Han Solo.

U jabbeh, jabbeh,

Ussah stabbatheh,

Unoh muvva,

Gabbeh, gabbeh.

Avaunt, thou scruffy flea-infested imp—

Point not thy spear toward my angry self,

Else thou shalt know the scourge of blaster fire.

I prithee, patience, Han—all shall be well.

E hura hura,

Heeno scura,

Heesa tempurr,

Gura, gura.

Chewbacca, give thy crossbow unto them.

Let them believe they have the upper hand,

And we shall see of what the beasts are made.

[
rising from the fall:
] Alas, my head! What pains I must endure.

But O—what creatures do surround us here?

U hadoo, hadoo,

Heesa gadoo,

Heesa mytee,

Gadoo, gadoo.

A treeto treeto,

Meesah greeto,

Houdi dootee,

Seeto, seeto.

C-3PO, dost comprehend their tongue?

Indeed, my master Luke! Recall that I

Am fluent in more than six million forms—

Less prating, more explaining, droid. What didst

Thou say to them, when thou didst speak e’en now?

“Hello,” methinks. ’Tis possible I am

Mistaken. They employ a primitive

And ancient dialect, but it appears

They think of me as like unto a god.

[
aside:
] O heaven help us all. C-3PO

Already thinks himself divine, and needs

No congregation further. [
To C-3PO:
] Beep, squeak!

—Auugh!

O Lord most high and reverent, thou gold

And stainless deity, call on thy pow’rs

And godlike charms, and straight divine us all

A way beyond this situation. Aye?

Nay, Gen’ral Solo, ’tis not proper.

—Proper?

You shall for sure discover what is right

And proper, when I blast apart thy frame.

Lo, ’tis forbidden, Gen’ral Solo, for

E’en droids aren’t masters of divinity.

Thou fickle spirit! Deity or not,

I shall a spiritual experience

Enjoy as I do tear thee limb from limb.

[The Ewoks surround and threaten Han Solo.

Na goo, na goo,

Heesall na doo,

Heesall beest ill,

Ya doo, ya doo.

Pray pardon, jolly beasts. Nay, fear me not—

’Twas but a jest, for he is my old friend.

[The Ewoks bind Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, and R2-D2 and take them to their village, with C-3PO enthroned.

Now are we ta’en unto their simple homes—

Plain huts of wood with branches for their roofs.

A simple tribe are these, yet wise as well—

With neither guns nor lightsabers they snar’d

A pilot skill’d, a Wookiee brave and strong,

A Jedi Knight, and two most earnest droids.

’Twas quite a catch for such a humble net.

And now, like spits upon a fire we’re hung.

But what transpireth next? We’ll see anon.

My feelings are o’ercome with thoughts most dire:

They ready for a feast, but where’s the food?

Do they not know I shall a poor meal make?

No supper may be cook’d from Han’s firm flesh,

For smuggler meat is all too hard and tough.

Auugh!

E krandeh krandeh,

Thessah mandeh,

Thessah kuukah,

Gandeh, gandeh,

Ad toyum toyum,

Lessum goyum,

Nossah dootis,

Noyum, noyum.

—Prithee, tell me, droid, what did he say?

O, it is rather an embarrassment

Good Gen’ral Solo. It appears that thou

Shalt be the main course at a banquet in

My honor. I am quite asham’d, good Sir,

And promise I shall not enjoy the meal.

Auugh!

[Ewoks begin playing drums.

[
singing:
] A gunda gunda,

Thissa funda,

Thessa burna,

Kunda, kunda.

—Leia!

—O, my heart! My precious one!

My Leia! Now may I go up in flames,

Since I have seen thee safe and well again,

Belovèd.

—Royal Highness!

—What is this

That doth transpire here? Luke and Han bound up?

[Leia approaches but is stopped by Ewoks.

[
To Ewoks:
] Nay, do not hinder me, my newfound
friends.

These goodly men are dear to me, they are

The closest that I have to family.

Pray, still your doubtful, cautious minds, and I

Shall show ye that these people mean no harm.

C-3PO, thou somehow art enthron’d,

Which doth suggest thou hast some sway o’er them.

Serve thou as translator, and tell these imps

To free our brave companions from their bonds.

[
to Teebo:
] I rooktah rooktah,

Nowyee looktah,

Lessem freeum,

Booktah, booktah.

[The Ewoks continue their preparations for the feast.

It seemeth that thy kingly words did fall

Upon their peasant ears a little less

Than royally.

—Good 3PO, relay

To them that if they shall not heed thy words,

Thou wilt astound them with thine anger fierce,

And ply thy magic on them.

—Magic, Sir?

I know not what you mean. I have no magic!

I prithee: argue not, but tell them now.