Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage (16 page)

God has placed us where we are for such a time as this (like Esther), and we must be prepared. He has entrusted us with the label of “unequally yoked” for a noble cause: (1) to be the closest representation of Christ in the life of our husband, and (2) to be a soldier on the front line to battle for our husband’s
soul. You never know when your husband might start asking you questions, and you must always be aware that he’s watching your actions closest of all. Do your actions line up with your words? Do they outweigh your words? Do they affirm your words? As mentioned previously, our actions will always speak louder than anything we say.

One day as I was driving to meet my husband for lunch, I sensed a sudden urgency to pray for him. As I did, an image of him surrounded by flashes of light and dark filled my mind. I knew in that moment that a battle raged around my husband, and God had called me to don my armor and join the fray with my prayers. Scriptures came to mind in rapid fire as I prayed for my husband’s protection and salvation.

We don’t know what battles are waging around our unbelieving spouse, but God’s Word is clear about our true struggles being in the spiritual realm. To this day, I still don’t know what the battle surrounding my husband was all about, but I was so grateful for the time I’d spent studying God’s Word. An unopened Bible is like sending a soldier into battle without protective gear and weapons. Without such gear, the soldier is vulnerable and ineffective. God gave us His sword—His Word—to wield, not to collect dust.

Keep in mind too that no soldier stands alone. He or she is part of a larger force that supports him or her and is ready to jump into battle when needed. Nor can we, as unequally yoked wives, stand alone in this gap for our husbands or for ourselves. The prayers of others are vital, not only for our spouse’s salvation but also for our own perseverance and protection. Pray and ask God to put key people in your life who, like fellow soldiers, can be trusted with your prayer needs and are committed to praying for you and your husband.

No soldier stands alone—nor can a spiritually mismatched wife.

But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. “Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.” But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander
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1 PETER 3: 14-16

As I shared in my story at the beginning of this book, not long after I’d recommitted my life to Christ, my husband decided he was an atheist. This didn’t mean he was no longer interested in my faith. Quite the opposite, in fact.

He would periodically ask me questions in regard to the Bible or my beliefs. Because of my insecurity about saying the wrong thing, coupled with a limited knowledge of the Bible, my answers often sounded incomplete and ungrounded, even to my own ears. Finally, one day when I was confused and frustrated by what I perceived to be an interrogation, I asked my husband why he asked me so many questions. He said he wanted to be sure that my faith choice was what I truly believed and not something I was just being fed and led around like a mindless follower.

From that day on I determined that I had to know that what I believed was based on what the Bible said, not just on the pastor’s Sunday sermon or something a friend shared with me. I needed to study the Bible daily, attend Bible studies and research areas in which I was unsure. I am most grateful for a mentor who came alongside me during this time and wisely nudged me to a daily quiet time of Bible study and prayer. Her years of intimacy with God gave her amazing wisdom.

A couple years ago, my husband started asking more questions about the Bible due to the particularly hot climate present
in California politics. I found myself being asked questions about the Bible and my beliefs that ran me in circles.

Why? Because, like water running down a funnel to a final destination, the ultimate answer never failed to wind up at the cross of Christ. I had to give the reason behind my hope. The frustrating part was that no matter how I tried to explain myself, my answers didn’t seem to satisfy him.

One night after two hours of this dance of endless loops into the wee hours of the night, I said, “Enough.” I was exhausted. He left the room and I wept, feeling like a complete failure. Why had my answers fallen on such unreceptive ears? Why hadn’t God arrived and brought the salvation message home to my husband’s heart?

As I cried and prayed, God’s soft voice crept in and told me that I’d done exactly as He had asked me to. I’d given the reason behind my hope. I’d shared His Son. Then He said to leave the rest to Him. Though I hadn’t witnessed a dramatic conversion in my husband, God affirmed my actions of being faithful to share what I knew.

We never know when we’ll be called into action, but in the meantime, we have the chance to prepare for battle. God’s Word is our most valuable weapon against the enemy who is bent on keeping our husbands from coming to know Christ and determined to destroy our marriages.

As wives, we have the opportunity to be proactive with our prayers in the lives of our husbands, with whom we can’t vocally share our faith and the Bible. We may not be able to win our husband’s salvation with our words, but our prayers are the substance of miracles.

Before you begin the study questions, ask God to show you any areas of your marriage that are vulnerable and to lead you to Scriptures to pray for your spouse and for your marriage and family.

1. In what areas of your life and your marriage has the enemy gained a foothold?

2. In what ways do you (or can you) show your faith to your spouse without using any words?

3. Is your faith (your obedience to God, your peace, your trust) dependent upon your spouse’s salvation? Why or why not?

4. What piece of your spiritual armor needs the most polishing?

5. Do you have a special time set aside each day to spend with God alone—to pray, to worship, to study His Word and to equip yourself? If not, make a commitment now to spend 10 or 15 minutes with God at the start of your day. Set aside a special spot and keep your Bible and study materials there (if you can). Then keep that appointment every day for a month. You’ll be surprised at how that 10 or 15 minutes winds up being 20 or 30 minutes or even longer.

6. Think of two or three people who you would feel comfortable approaching for prayer. Make a commitment to contact them this week and ask them to be part of a prayer team for you and your husband.

Father God, I praise You and thank You for this armor You have given me. Help me each day to don the helmet of salvation to keep my thoughts secure in Your truth,
the breastplate of righteousness to guard my heart, the belt of truth to gird my life with Your truth, the shield of faith to keep the enemy away, and the sword of the Spirit to fight for my husband. Lord, You are the author and perfecter of my faith. Keep me centered in You. Put a burning desire and an unquenchable hunger in my heart for Your Word and for time with You. Help me keep my armor shiny so that I may see Your reflection in every inch of it. In Christ’s most holy and strong name, amen
.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you
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ISAIAH 26:3

John the Baptist stayed on my mind heavily one week. I wondered what he might have felt if he had seen Jesus with the Twelve. Did he wish to be one of those men chosen to follow Jesus, constantly in the presence of the Son of God? Did he question why he’d been set apart? Or did he actually have the better job than those of the Twelve?

Even as an unborn baby, John seemed to know what his life was about and for. In utero, he “leaped for joy” at the sound of Mary’s voice (Luke 1:44). Before he was even born, his path was set—what he would eat, how he would dress and what his mission would be. He was even filled with the Holy Spirit from birth.

But still . . . did he wonder, question or sometimes even desire to switch places with one of the disciples? Or was he completely at peace with his place in preparing the way for Jesus?

The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin
of the world! This is the one I meant when I said, ‘A man who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’ I myself did not know him, but the reason I came baptizing with water was that he might be revealed to Israel. . . .”

The next day John was there again with two of his disciples. When he saw Jesus passing by, he said, “Look, the Lamb of God!”

When the two disciples heard him say this, they followed Jesus. Turning around, Jesus saw them following and asked, “What do you want?”

They said, “Rabbi” (which means Teacher), “where are you staying?”

“Come,” he replied, “and you will see.”

So they went and saw where he was staying, and spent that day with him. It was about the tenth hour.

Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, was one of the two who heard what John had said and who had followed Jesus. The first thing Andrew did was to find his brother Simon and tell him, “We have found the Messiah” (that is, the Christ). And he brought him to Jesus.

Jesus looked at him and said, “You are Simon son of John. You will be called Cephas” (which, when translated, is Peter) (John 1:29-31,35-42).

What struck me about the above verses was how the two disciples following John left him to follow Jesus. One of them was Peter, the one whom Jesus planned to build His church upon. This episode again illustrates John’s mission to prepare things for Jesus. He enlisted these two men for the Messiah’s cause and then released them to the Lord he had faithfully served.

But again, did he wonder? Did he watch these men go with Jesus and long to go with them? Did he question why he wasn’t
destined to be one of the Twelve—a confidant and friend to the long awaited One? After all, he’d spent his whole life preparing for this time, hadn’t he? At least as far as what we’re told in the Bible, his life course was set from the womb. And as we know from God’s Word, John’s course was set even before that (see Ps. 139:13-16).

We could argue that John didn’t wish or long to be a part of this select group because his calling was as necessary as that of Jesus’ disciples. He had his place, his role to play in a most important story. But I can’t help but think that some small and very human part of him wanted to be included, to be like Andrew and Peter, to fit into the elite group, instead of walking a seemingly lonely path to his death.

How often have we found ourselves in this very same position? Wishing we were someplace else. Comparing our place with that of others and longing for the same circumstances. Watching couples at church, and aching to know, even just for a moment, what it feels like to have our husband at our side worshiping the one true God. Longing to know what it’s like to pray with him over the issues we’re facing together. Desperate for our children to see us both united by a common faith.

Maybe John did feel left out, and maybe while he sat in prison he did wish he could have been one of the disciples instead of missing all the action. But he must have overcome those feelings and doubts because, even when it meant risking everything, he did what he had been sent to do. He spoke the truth and stayed his course.

The path of the unequally yoked is one of the hardest I’ve ever had to walk, and I’m still walking it. It’s easy to get lost in wishes, wonderings and longings and miss the big picture. John may not have had the glory of the Twelve, but he proved himself faithful and never wavered in his service. He may have had doubts, but he didn’t run away or give up.

Perhaps the answer is in his words: “He must become greater; I must become less” (John 3:30). Even when he sat in prison, John never doubted his role or the coming of the Messiah. Though he sent his men to confirm Jesus’ identity, John never doubted that the true Messiah would come (see Matt. 11:2-3).

John’s resolve and strength came from having the Holy Spirit. He wasn’t sent on his mission and left to flounder, and we aren’t either. Jesus sent reassurance to John, letting him know his cause was just and complete, and He praised John for the work he’d done (see Matt. 11:7-15).

In those glimpses we catch the real role of John. He didn’t come to serve men but to serve Christ. In the end, it didn’t matter how he fit in or what he did or didn’t have. He fulfilled his calling to prepare the way for Jesus. As simple as that.

Truth be told, we are in a similar position. We are like John to our husbands, preparing for the day when Jesus lays claim on their lives. At times God reveals our mission only on a need-to-know basis, bit by bit. Other times, He gives us a sense of the critical role we play in our husband’s lives B.C. (before Christ) and will play A.C. (after Christ).

One aspect is certain though: this is our mission. God has placed us here for this time and this reason, to be instrumental in our husband’s salvation.

John kept his eyes on Jesus. He knew it wasn’t about him but about the mighty God he served. And that’s where we find inspiration. John’s story wasn’t about him; it was about Jesus. Just as our story isn’t about us; it’s about preparing the way for Jesus in the life of our husband.

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.” Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me?” He answered,
“Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”