Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage (14 page)

Part of my pain was due to my underdeveloped faith. It was difficult to cast off my husband’s criticisms and rest in what I knew as truth. He was also good with scientific and intellectual comebacks. I was not. However, I look back on this period and can see it as a time when I grew very close to Jesus. In my pain, I would retreat to a quiet room and pray. Faithfully, Jesus would arrive, and I would feel Him wrap His arms around me and comfort me as He wiped away my tears.

I would step back into our marriage, assured that my faith remained intact. Yet there was a growing anger just under the surface of our relationship. My list of unmet needs was long. I regularly reviewed this growing list, ticking off each and every entitlement of married life that were mine but being withheld. Bitterness was born, birthed from an unforgiving heart.

This was another rubber-meets-the-road instance where I had to start doing the hard work that Jesus commanded. Do you remember the response Jesus gave Peter when he asked about forgiveness? I quoted part of this passage in
chapter 2
, but let’s look at the entire story:

Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

“Therefore, The kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he
began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents [several million dollars in today’s currency] was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

“The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii [a few dollars in today’s currency]. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’

“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart” (Matt. 18:21-35).

We forgive, because God forgives us.

Honest forgiveness isn’t easy. In fact, it’s hard—
very
hard. However, the Lord greatly desires to bring about healing in our
lives. Scripture is full of passages of healing of the physical body as well as healing of the emotional injuries to the soul. Jesus’ healing ministry was an integral part of His message in biblical times, and He is just as passionate about healing today.

If you remember, I shared with you about a time in my life when I was so angry with my husband that I refused to participate in a Bible study that might have required me to pray for his welfare. I was chock-full of resentment, and I felt justified in wearing my badge of bitterness on my shoulder. My legitimate needs were going unmet and when compared to other women in marriage, I felt I had been cheated out of all that marriage was supposed to be.

Comparing other marriages to my own is a toxic occupation. I coupled that with my growing unforgivenss, and I slipped off the path of thriving and into an unhappy life. Living on Unhappy Street is in direct contrast to what the Lord wants for us. I needed rescue from my resentment. But how? My anger was justified.

I began to pray, “Lord, help me to want to forgive.”

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting all that transpired or minimizing the offense, nor is it given only if the offender is sorry. You aren’t required to allow him or her to hurt you the same way again, and you can learn to institute healthy boundaries. In some situations outside of marriage, forgiveness doesn’t even mean reestablishing friendship. However, forgiveness, especially within marriage, means relinquishing your right to get even and releasing your bitterness and resentment into the hands of Christ.

My friend Marian shared with me an exercise she uses to pray through forgiveness and to overcome the rawness of emotions:

• Admit the hurt and recognize that unforgiveness prevents living in the flow of God’s love.

• Acknowledge the need for God’s help as I choose to forgive.

• Imagine myself putting that situation, hurt or experience in the hands of Jesus.

• Ask God which good gift He gives me is to replace the pain and unforgiveness.

• Listen for His answer.

• Imagine myself embracing the gift He gave me in that moment, walking away, leaving the pain behind.

Through the transforming power of the Holy Spirit, we are able to do the hard work of forgiveness. And do you know what the result is? Freedom. The freedom to love our husband and the ability to trust the Lord for our marriage. We are freed of the hurts of unmet expectations. Jesus Christ is all about freedom. I didn’t realize the darkness of my imprisonment until the day I forgave my husband’s shortcomings and chose to love him for who he is. Isn’t that what we want from our spouse? Isn’t that what Christ gives us?

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners (Isa. 61:1).

I’ve lived many seasons unequally yoked and only now am I reaping the rewards of the hard work of forgiveness. I am able to teach my children about Christ, to love my husband unconditionally and to dwell daily in the presence of my Savior. But, because I have traveled through the difficult seasons where many of you are right now, I have a heart for your pain and I understand the real struggles you face. I have lived where you are living, and I wasted too many years stuck on the path. More than anything, I don’t want one more woman wasting years imprisoned in a bad season. It is God’s desire for us to discover that marriage is fun, fulfilling, rewarding and godly.

Godly?
you may wonder. How can a believer and an unbeliever have a godly marriage?

For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages—Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is, they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God (1 Cor. 7:12-14,
THE MESSAGE
).

Let this passage bring you comfort and security. You are a follower of Jesus, and it’s by your faith that He will bring about His good and perfect will in your home. Can I get an amen?
Amen!

The Lord willing, my husband and I have many more seasons ahead together. Recently we began sharing reading glasses at restaurants to see the menu. We giggle over the fact that our body parts don’t work quite the same as in our early years, nor do they curve in the same places as when we were younger. But we don’t care. It comes with the season.

In several years, my husband and I will face an empty nest and then, the Lord willing, the delightful season of grandchildren will arrive. Finally, we will grow old together. As I am writing this, I have a lump in my throat. Time passes quickly.

I am excited to take each step, holding the hand of my husband and the hand of Jesus. Adventure and laughter await. We have each other, and our marriage is blessed with intimacy, trust, transparency, adoration, friendship and the love of God.

Our happy marriage is possible because Jesus stepped into the life of an ordinary woman. I have full confidence that the Lord is working out all things for His honor and glory to culminate on the day my husband crosses over the line and into God’s kingdom. While I wait, I do my part. I love. I trust. I pray. I live for Christ.

Living in a crazy, mixed-up, uniquely yoked marriage has its astounding moments. I discovered I have a front-row seat to the grandest drama ever told: The supernatural salvation story of an ordinary man as it plays out before my eyes. Jesus thrills my heart with the outrageous and miraculous as He pursues my husband with a relentless vigor and through unexpected experiences.

Do you remember that I mentioned Joe the Contractor? He saw my vision for the garden and made it come to life. He dug up the grass and shrubs, laid down sprinkler lines and poured cement. He worked in our backyard for only two short weeks, yet I will never forget him.

Two days into our garden project, it was obvious that Joe was a Christian. Each morning when he arrived, he plugged his radio into an outside outlet and blasted Christian music for all the neighbors to enjoy—whether they wanted to hear it or not. Each evening as Joe got ready to leave, my husband and I would join him on the patio to talk about the work, family, or whatever else came to mind. We enjoyed Joe very much and, interestingly, he was never shy to share little tidbits of faith with my husband while he dusted the dirt from his pants and whacked the mud from his gloves.

Two weeks passed quickly. When the backyard project was complete and it was time for Joe to leave, my husband and I
met him out in front of the house to finish our business transaction, thank him for his hard work, and praise his workmanship. As we stood in the driveway, Joe told us a story about the electrical contractor working on our project, whose name was also Joe, and how he had led him to Christ that very day in our backyard.

Joe said, “I led him in the sinner’s prayer, and he was saved today.”

I was stunned and thrilled, “Joe, that’s awesome.”

I observed my husband’s interest from the corner of my eye as he listened. Joe quickly moved on with the conversation, now turning and looking directly at my man.

“Are you saved?” Joe was blunt.

My husband shook his head.

I jumped in and stated, “He is a holdout.” (Sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut.)

Joe pushed on, his face to my husband’s face.

“I was once just like you. I didn’t believe. I was a self-reliant man. I didn’t need the Lord. My life was good without Him.” Without hesitation or invitation, Joe shared his salvation experience, his eyes locked with my husband’s as he spoke each word.

I stared in disbelief as the scene unfolded before me, barely able to take it all in.

“My wife made me go with her to a Carmen concert,” Joe said. “As I sat in the chair at the end of the concert, the altar call was made. I saw hundreds of people going forward. I was curious.
What do these people know that I don’t know?
I had to know, so I stood up and went down to the floor to find out. That night I prayed to receive Christ.

“However, after the prayer I felt nothing. It wasn’t until the next day that the Lord took hold of me and began to change my life. That very day God stirred up a strong desire in me to read the Bible. So I did.”

Joe added, “It was my wife’s prayers for me over the years that made a difference.”

I was stunned to silence, a rare event indeed, and I watched as my husband absorbed Joe’s story. Mind you, we were smack in the middle of our driveway in front of the neighbors.

Joe looked intently into my man’s face and said, “I was just like you.”

He paused, his eyes remaining firmly fixed upon my husband.

Then Joe asked, “Do you want to pray with me?”

I couldn’t believe this was happening right in front of my eyes. My husband looked at Joe and said, “
Yes
.”

Joe reached out with both hands and said, “Give me your hands.” They joined hands. “Repeat after me.” Then Joe led my husband through the prayer of salvation. I heard my husband ask for forgiveness and acknowledge Jesus as Lord.

It happened.

Right there.

On the driveway.

Two men holding hands in broad daylight.

Now that’s what I call a front-row seat!

The follow-up to this story isn’t what you might expect. My husband told me the next day that he had been taken off guard by Joe and wasn’t really sure he was ready to make a decision of faith.

I was disappointed but thrilled at the same time. Jesus displayed His purpose through these events and still today, I am blown away to consider the lengths my God will go to reach one man for eternity.

Trust in the L
ORD
with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Prov. 3:5).

We cannot fathom why we must live through the difficult seasons of our mismatched marriage. We can’t begin to understand
the details of God’s doings, and we grow discouraged when we don’t get answers to the whys of our hurts. We don’t comprehend God’s plans for us or our spouse, but once in a great while, He allows us a glimpse of the miraculous. That’s more than enough for me.

Our Lord loves my husband (and yours) more than I can even imagine. I am convinced, without a doubt, that Jesus has a multitude of encounters lined up and waiting in my husband’s future, just like the one he had with Joe. And I have a front-row seat to watch the astonishing unfold. So pull up a chair, my friends. We are on one crazy, challenging but fantastic journey. The best is yet to come, and it’s all because of Jesus.

Whatever your current season of marriage, the Lord is beside you. You can believe that He is working for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Pray and ask the Lord to reveal His purposes for you, your marriage and your future together. Ask Him to uncover areas of unforgiveness and place them at the foot of the cross. He has an amazing adventure for us and will bring our husband along in His perfect timing.