Winter’s Awakening (9 page)

Josh had had enough. Impatiently, he swung his gaze to the opposite end of the table, to where their father had been carefully eating his canned peas. “Daed, what is the problem with the Allens?”

After a moment’s reflection, his father answered. “Your mother—”

“Frank!”

Their father blushed. “I mean to say, we don’t want you getting too tempted by their ways.”

Caleb frowned. “By what ways? By their English clothes?”

“By everything. It’s mainly you teenagers I’ve been thinking of,” their mother said, looking hard at Joshua, Judith, and Caleb. “It’s my duty to keep a close eye on you.”

“I’m a bit old for that, don’tcha think?” Joshua asked.

“I would think so, but you’ve sure been taking your time about joining the church.”

That statement made him uncomfortable. “I said I’d get baptized soon.”

“But you’ll never say when.” His mother’s chin went up. “Until you do, I don’t think you should be doing things with the English, Joshua.”

“I wasn’t doing things with them. I was accepting a ride home. If I hadn’t, I would have walked home in the snow. Is that what you wanted?”

“It is a blessing that Charlie drove you in his truck. But what if accepting such things leads to something more?”

“Such as?”

Her chin went up. “Such as thinking about the outside world.”

“Mamm—”

“Joshua, I heard you told Gretta that you wouldn’t be seeing her for a while.”

“Who told you that?” He turned to his sister. “Judith, was it you?”

“No it was not.”

Elsa glared at Judith. “But you knew.”

“Yes.”

“What did she say to that?” Caleb wanted to know. “Did she cry?”

The dinner was getting more uncomfortable by the moment. Joshua tried to stem the flow of words. “Mamm, I canna believe that we are discussing such things. And at the table, too. Me and Gretta is nobody’s business but our own.”

Judith rolled her eyes. “That’s like sayin’ the sky only belongs to the person standing underneath it! Your business is our business, brother. And even if it wasn’t, why we’d make it our own.” Without stopping for breath, she leaned forward. “Now, then. What is wrong with you and Gretta?”

“Nothing.”

“I think there is. Gretta’s kin are saying there is quite a bit wrong with the two of you. They’re saying you are no longer calling on her.”

“That is true.”

“I wish you would have let your mother know that,” his father said.

“Fine. If you all want to know everything, I will share it all with you. A few weeks ago, I asked Gretta for some time to think about things before we got more serious.”

“You’ve known her for years, son.” His father scrunched up his face. “For what do you need more time?”

“Time to think about things, that’s what.” In spite of himself, Joshua looked around the table at everyone and hoped his words would be understood. And that some
advice would be given. “I’ve been restless. Feeling like I’ve had no say in my life.”

“Our Lord God has been directing your life,” Judith said. “You don’t need a say in it.”

Joshua was just about to find fault with that statement when he noticed his parents exchange amused glances. Ah, perhaps they weren’t quite as unaware of his struggles as he’d imagined.

“Your mother and I just want you to have a care for Gretta’s feelings,” his daed murmured. “It’s not her fault that you’ve grown restless.”

“I know that.”

After a moment, his mother smiled softly. “I am glad we talked about this. I know I, for one, am now feeling better.” With a scrape of the chair, his mother stood up. “Now then, I made a shoo-fly pie this morning. Who would care for a slice with some coffee?”

The little ones clapped in excitement. Even Caleb and Anson grinned. Quietly, Judith stood up to help. As she always did.

Joshua truly did appreciate their customs. He did. He couldn’t imagine not living the way his ancestors always had before him.

He just wanted some time to think on it. Closing his eyes, he silently gave thanks for the reprieve.

Lilly didn’t know what to do when her dad got out the adoption book again while they were eating breakfast. No matter what time of day it was, thoughts about her future always seemed to make it into the conversation.

“You need to choose a family to take the baby, Lilly,” he said. “We can’t put this off much longer. People are waiting and trying to plan their lives.”

She stared at the plain cover of the loosely bound notebook. “I know that.”

Opening the book almost reverently, his voice softened as he flipped through the pages. “The other night when I couldn’t sleep I read through the whole thing. There are some really good people on these pages, Lilly. Their stories about trying to conceive are heartbreaking, and the steps they’ve taken to ensure that you will be treated with respect and gratitude is commendable.
Please make a decision, or at the very least, narrow down your choices like we’ve asked you to.”

Lilly had read all the pages, too. She’d read every couple’s bio and looked at the pictures of their homes, their yards, even their pet dogs. But instead of being inspired, all she’d felt was a thick knot of dread forming in her stomach.

She didn’t know whether her anxiety came from having to make such an important choice, from knowing she was going to disappoint so many people…or from her most private reason of all. “It’s hard to choose, Dad.”

“I know, but it has to be done.” With a gentle smile, he said, “Lillian, I really think you’ll feel better once a decision has been made.”

He was right. There was so much tension in their family, things could only get better when she made a choice.

And, well, she had…but it wasn’t the choice her parents had ever wanted to consider. Slowly, she ventured, “Maybe I should just keep the baby.”

With a look of regret, he closed the book’s cover. “There’s more to keeping the baby than simply holding a sweet newborn. It’s a commitment of a lifetime.”

“I can be committed.”

“I know you can, honey. But please think about your future. Think about all the things you used to dream about doing. You won’t be able to fulfill those dreams with a baby in tow.”

When her dad said things like that, Lilly always won
dered what her father had missed out on. What dreams did he have that were unfulfilled?

When the silence spread thick between them, he tapped the table. “Hey, remember when you wanted to fly planes?”

“I remember.” That had been a childish whim when she’d been twelve. For her dad to bring it up when she was trying to have a real, meaningful conversation with him felt like a slap in the face. “That was a long time ago, you know.”

“But it’s still a possibility. Right now, everything you’ve always wanted to do could happen. If you have a baby to take care of, though, things will change. You won’t be able to do half as much.”

“You and Mom always say you never regret having kids.”

“That’s different, and you know it.”

“Not really.”

“Lilly, your mother and I got married first. You are not married.”

“I know.”

“In addition, Mom and I planned to be together for the rest of our lives. We planned for children, too.”

“But you didn’t plan for Ty. Mom said he was a surprise.”

A flicker of pain crossed his face. “Ty was a surprise because your mother had two miscarriages. We didn’t think we could have any more children after you.”

The news made her dizzy. Somehow, learning that her parents had gone through monumental crises while
she’d been oblivious to them made her uncomfortable. “I…I didn’t know.”

“Of course you didn’t, Lilly. And we didn’t tell you kids because we knew you didn’t need that burden. I’m only telling you now because I know what it’s like to want a baby and not be able to have one. I feel for those couples, Lilly,” he proclaimed, emotion thick in his voice. “Give that baby a chance.”

Now she felt ashamed and she didn’t even know why. Her mother’s miscarriages weren’t her fault. Yet, all the couples’ needs weren’t her problem either. “I’ll think about adoption again.”

“Thank you.” His voice gentling, her dad squeezed her shoulder. “Before you know it, you’ll be going off to college and all this will just be a memory.”

That didn’t give her any comfort. She didn’t want to forget about the baby. And even though she and Alec were no more, she knew she’d never forget him either.

The kitchen felt stifling. Standing up, she took both their cereal bowls to the sink and rinsed them out. Looking at the clock, she mentally groaned. It was only nine thirty. She had a whole day in front of her with nothing to do. It was enough to slowly make her go crazy. “Dad, I’m going to go out for a little while, go take a walk.”

“It’s thirty degrees out. There’s still snow on the ground. You’ll need to dress warm.”

Here she was, having a baby, making decisions that were going to determine the rest of her life—and her father was worried she didn’t have enough sense to wear a coat. “It’s sunny, though. Listen, I really need to get
out of here. I turned in my algebra homework and don’t have any assignments due for three days.”

“If you wait until this evening when I get home from work, I could go with you.”

“I need some time alone. You know I’m not used to being home all day, every day.”

Looking her over, he seemed to sense that she was at her wit’s end. “All right. But choose a family? Please?”

“I’ll try, Dad.”

She really did need to get away from the house. She especially needed to get away from that adoption book! No matter where she was, it seemed to appear in whatever room she was in.

She needed to escape the questions and the prodding and everyone who acted like she was the dumbest person in the room. After throwing on her mom’s roomy black wool coat and blue scarf and mittens, she walked down her driveway. From the moment the cool, crisp air fanned her face, she felt more relaxed and almost like herself.

Almost free. Chasing that feeling, she quickened her pace. In no time she was next to the hedge that divided their property from the Grabers’. She followed that to a well-worn path toward the river.

The winter grass crunched beneath her thick winter boots, sounding vaguely like broken glass as she walked along. As she quickened her pace, amazingly, her heart rate seemed to slow. Farther down, she spied a doe.

Lilly paused, eyeing the animal’s beauty. Her eyes
were black, and her fur was heavy and slightly shaggy, showing she’d grown a thick winter coat. Bit by bit, the deer raised her head and stared back at her but didn’t budge.

Lilly stood as still as she was able, transfixed.

“Ach, but she’s a fair sight, ain’t she?”

With a start, Lilly spun around just as the deer darted off with a flick of her tail. “Josh.”

“That’s me.” His lips curved up for a moment. “So, what are you doing out here?”

“Nothing. I was just out for a walk. What about you?”

He pointed to the west. “I was over at a neighbor’s. Mrs. Slabaugh is a widow and every so often Caleb and I go over and chop wood for her. That’s what I was doing this morning.”

“And now you’re on your way home.”

“I am. It’s quicker to return this way than to take a buggy.”

“It’s nice that you chop the wood for that lady.”

He shrugged. “She needs the help, plus her daughter is the schoolteacher. We figure it’s the least we can do since she has to put up with Anson all day,” he added with a teasing smile. “Since I’m walking, too, would you care for some company?”

Unlike her father’s offer, his interested her.

Why was that?
Curiously, she eyed him. He was so different from Alec. Different from Charlie, too. Than any boy she’d ever met before. More polite. Less full of rowdiness and pride. But maybe she didn’t know him
well at all. Maybe on the inside, he was the same as any of them. Of course, it didn’t really matter.

And, perhaps, she was different than she used to be. “Sure.”

“I’ll walk you to the river. Have you been yet?”

“No. But I’m game if you are.”

“Game?”

“You know, willing?”

“Oh. Yes, I am willing. I’m game.” He looked at her shoes a bit doubtfully. “Will you be able to walk on the trails in those boots? They don’t look like they’d stand up to a harsh wind.”

Lilly couldn’t help but be amused. What other boys asked about shoes? Holding up one of her feet she said, “Definitely. They’re Sorels.”

The look he gave her was priceless, and no less than she deserved. Obviously her sales pitch on the expensive shoes was wasted on him. “Never mind. I’ll be fine. These kicks are sturdier than they look.”

“Kicks?” That surprised a chuckle from him. “Ach. Maybe so. And, maybe you are sturdier than you look, as well.”

“Maybe I am. Boy, that would make me so happy.”

Joshua smiled then started off with little fanfare. Lilly jogged a bit to keep up with him, then easily found she could match her stride to his. With each step, the Grabers’ house faded into the distance and brought her closer to another thicket of woods.

He wasn’t one to talk much, which was fine with her.
Lilly let her mind drift. For once, instead of focusing only on herself and her problems, she found herself noticing the beautiful surroundings. Just feeling peaceful for a change.

They continued. Soon, they reached a small valley. The natural lay of the land served to shield them from a bit of the wind, enabling the sun to shine down upon them and take the edge off of the chill. Their quick pace helped tremendously, too. A fine sheen of sweat formed on her brow.

As they walked along, Joshua pointed out a beaver eagerly chewing what was left of a log. “He’s a hungry fella, that beaver is. Don’tcha think?”

Lilly slowed as she watched the animal chewing furiously on a tree trunk that had to be as big as her calf. Its dark brown coat looked almost like shiny tar, it was so glossy in the sunlight. “I’ve never seen a beaver before. I mean, not in the wild like this.” She paused to think. “Maybe one was in a nature museum.”

“Beavers, now they’re a rascally bunch. Usually we think of them as a nuisance. But I’ve often enjoyed their antics. Always busy, you know.”

“Busy is how I would describe you,” Lilly commented. “From what I can tell, everyone in your family works hard.”

“We’ve seven children. I’m the oldest. Next comes Judith, then Caleb. Anson, Carrie, Maggie, and finally Toby. He’s three. In addition, we’ve got two pigs, chickens, a milk cow, and two horses. In the spring, my mamm
plants a garden big enough to provide for us most all the year. With all of that, we can’t help but be busy. Mamm wouldn’t have it any other way.”

The amount of work made her feel lazy. Here it was just a little after ten and Joshua had already chopped firewood. “And you’ve got your store.”

“
Jah
. We’ve many blessings, it’s true.”

Lilly noticed he didn’t seem too happy about it. “Why do I get the feeling you aren’t happy about the store?”

For a moment, Lilly didn’t think he was going to answer. Then, just as if he’d been hard-pressed to speak, he grudgingly said, “Lilly, lately I’ve had something weighing on my mind, if you want to know the truth.”

It was almost a relief to think about somebody else’s problems. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I should talk about it, yes.”

Oh, he cracked her up. Everything was so literal. He never took anything between them for granted. “I mean, would you like to talk about it to
me
?”

“To you?”

“Sure, why not? I’m the perfect person to share things with. You hardly know me so you won’t worry about me giving you my opinions. I’ll just listen. Is it a relationship problem? I’m great at romance problems.” In spite of her bold words, she winced. Actually, she hadn’t been all that great at romance. If she had been, things would have probably worked out far differently with Alec.

“I’m not sure.”

Lilly wasn’t sure what he was replying to. Was he not
sure he wanted to talk? Or was he not sure that it was a relationship problem?

The landscape grew rockier. When she stumbled, Joshua reached out and took hold of her elbow, steadying her with his warm grasp. That impersonal clutch made her do a double-take. There was a connection between them. Something intense and personal. Like they were meant to be together. To be friends.

“Or, we don’t have to talk,” she said a good five minutes later—even though the silence was starting to get to her. “Just walking is fine.”

“I’m worried about my future,” he blurted. “I’m worried about my plans. And everyone else’s plans for me, too.”

Lilly was glad her face was averted. If he saw her surprise, he might be embarrassed. “What about it?”

“Lilly, do ya ever wonder if the plan everyone has for ya is truly God’s plan?”

To be honest, she’d never had much thought about what God had in mind for her. All she’d been focused on was what she wanted, and what her parents wanted, and tried her best for the two needs to be the same.

Of course now, worrying about her future seemed to be a full-time occupation. Slowly she admitted, “I’ve wondered what kind of job I’m going to have. What kind of job I’d enjoy.”

“And a partner?”

“A partner? You mean, like, a boyfriend or husband?” When he nodded, she continued. “Of course
I’ve thought about who I want to marry.” Now that she let her guard down, disappointment coursed through her. Once, she’d had so many girlish dreams for herself and Alec. She’d fantasized about going to college with him. About getting engaged, then married, then one day planning their family. But those things were too hard to admit.

It was better to think about girlish dreams than bitter realities. Forcibly brightening her voice, she said, “When I was little, I used to spend hours thinking about my wedding. Planning every detail, from what kind of dress I’d wear to what my flowers would look like. Every girl does that, I suppose.”

“I suspect you’re right.” Looking troubled, he said, “Do you think people ever change their minds about what they want? About who they want?”

Memories of her last argument with Alec rushed forward. There was only one reply. “Yes.”