Winter's Dream (The Hemlock Bay Series) (21 page)

His face softened a little at that. “I’m not worried about that, I’m not worried about me. Just you.” His voice dropped to an embarrassed whisper.

I didn’t know what to say, just kept petting Effing until he spoke again. “I don’t want you to be stuck with me, I want you to be happy. I … I like you.”

His words put my heart into overdrive. Because I liked him too. Maybe not in the same way I liked Jordan, but Jordan was also a liar who had done major damage in my life. I looked at Luka with a new set of eyes, taking in his distance, his forced exile, his loneliness. He was sweetness and honesty and … oh crap.

“Luka, we don’t have to figure anything out right now, I just have to survive. What happens after … well, at least there will be an ‘after.’”

He nodded and took the chair next to my wardrobe, clearly relieved. And happy.

It did nothing for my rapidly beating heart. A little corner of my mind called “Traitor!” and brought up memories of Jordan. But what could I do? He had ruined things all by himself a long time ago.

“It’s not just Jordan,” Luka said, interrupting my embarrassing thoughts. “What about your grandma?”

My heart broke a little at that but I said what I had been telling myself about her since this whole thing had started. “Grandma will be okay. She’s actually in a nice place and David is looking out for her.”

He looked confused. “You mean your dad is looking out for her, not David.”

I had to forcefully separate my jaws to keep from grinding my teeth. “No, David is.”

Luka gazed into my eyes, seeing the reaction I was trying to hide. “I know your mom is gone—and I’m sorry. But what about your dad? I haven’t heard you say single word about him.”

“What is there to say?” I snapped more harshly than I intended.

He waited me out with a raised eyebrow. I knew he had shared his painful history with me, but I hadn’t expected him to want me to reciprocate.

I took a calming breath and spoke as evenly as I could. “He’s been MIA since my mom died and he couldn’t even pull himself away from his pity party long enough to come get me from that hellhole I was stuck in.” My shoulders shook and I swore I would not cry. This was the last thing I wanted to be talking about.

“But why not?” Luka asked, stretching my ability to control my emotions.

“No idea. We’ve always had a crappy relationship, maybe he was glad to see me go.”

“I’ve upset you,” Luka said, suddenly apologetic. And I didn’t want that, I didn’t want anything said about the subject that was sure to drive me to tears. Again.

“It’s fine. It’s always been like this, it always will be. And no matter what happens, Lincoln and David will help take care of Grandma. It’s not like she even remembers me.” And the tears burst out of my eyes along with the breath in my lungs. Deep, painful sobs tore from my chest and I was horrified to realize I could do nothing to stop them.

Luka was on his knees in front of me in an instant. “I’m so sorry,” he was murmuring, “I didn’t mean to make you cry.” He tried pulling my hands away from my ugly, blotchy face and couldn’t, or perhaps he was polite enough that he just wouldn’t. Finally he sat on the bed next to me and wrapped me in his arms.

I had no choice but to let the ugly sobs out until they were no more. Embarrassed, I raised my head from my hands and looked anywhere but at him. He was stroking my hair and at some point Effing had curled into my lap with a despondent look in his face.

“I’m alone too,” Luka whispered into my hair. “Is it bad to hope we can be happy together soon?”

I shook my head, wondering what he was really asking. “No. We’ll both be okay.” And suddenly I realized I didn’t just have my future and chance at happiness riding on my shoulders, but Emma’s and Luka’s too.

I couldn’t give up, my plan had to work. They needed me.

Chapter Twenty-Two

T
he next morning I let
Emma fix my hair however she wanted and put on the first dress she suggested—again. I had spent the afternoon and evening alone, going over my plan. I knew it was weak, I knew it was a long shot and yet, it was all I had. Still, it wasn’t enough. In a few short weeks I was going to be led out into the woods and killed by my new friend. She must have picked up on my depression and didn’t say anything that wasn’t related to my hair or clothes.

“What if I just run?” I asked suddenly as she held out a pair of knit tights for me to pull on under my thin dress.

She frowned and shook her head. “You’ll be able to run until you can’t see the castle behind you and then it will be in front of you, you know that.”

I was not going to be deterred. “What if I run from you that night?”

She shook her head again. “I don’t remember much about what happens during ... that time … but I know we get trapped in a little bubble and once you’re in it, you can’t get out.”

I sighed, clearly remembering how that “little bubble” had dragged me into this mess.

“And I can’t kill Luka,” I said, regretting how cold the words sounded.

She shook her head sadly.

My mind searched for other possibilities. “Maybe I could—I could hide.”

“I’ll find you,” she said apologetically.

I looked at myself in the mirror, my brass blonde hair and gown covered in cat fur. This was never going to work.

Emma read my face and hers crumpled. “I’m so sorry. I really like you; I’ve liked all of the girls. I hate who I am,” she said, biting her lips together.

“Don’t,” I said, wrapping my arms around her shuddering shoulders. “This isn’t your fault.”

“It’s not yours, either. And I’m going to kill you,” she sobbed.

I couldn’t argue with that. “How long do I have?” I asked, putting on my bravest face.

“I don’t know,” she mumbled into my hair. “Months, weeks. I don’t know when it comes on. I’ll just wake up in the middle of the night and there is a new girl in place of the old one.”

I processed her words, trying to be as cold and clinical as I could. I wasn’t going to be the one; I wasn’t going to survive the curse. There was nothing I could do about that. I was going to fail myself and Lincoln and my grandma and Jordan and Luka and Martha. I was going to leave everyone with emptiness and heartache.

It was almost a relief to accept the inevitable.

“Do I at least get a last meal?” I asked, forcing myself to joke about it.

“You can have anything you want,” she promised.

The waiter’s in their bland black suits scooped southern biscuits and gravy onto my plate and I wondered if they could read minds. Everyone ate silently and I hated that that was how I might spend my last few days in the world. Would I be gone from this world or all of them? When my mom had died I thought a lot about the idea of heaven and I wondered if maybe I would get to see her there. A lump formed in my throat and I pushed it back.

“So,” I said, forcing the cheerfulness, “what are we going to do today?”

“Anything you want,” Luka said fervently. Jordan glared at him and Lincoln glared at Jordan. I sighed and all of their faces reverted back to careful concern. Once again my appetite was stolen from me. I shoved food around on my plate and tried to avoid the pity and fear radiating off the three boys in my life.

The only person I could look in the eyes was David.

“David, you want to take a walk?” I asked, trying to keep things casual.

He nodded, his dreadlocks moving over his shoulders. Everyone else looked disappointed but I didn’t let myself care. I needed to talk to him.

We moved out to the frosty grounds after breakfast and I glanced behind me to make sure no one had followed. “I need you to do me a favor,” I said, wasting no time.

He looked at the front door no more than three feet behind us before nodding. “Anything.”

“Look out for my grandma,” I begged. “I can’t imagine how much it costs to keep her there but I don’t have it. I won’t even exist in a few months or possibly even weeks. And I know Travis—my dad—won’t take care of it.”

David gave me an amused look and then disappeared. Literally, in a poof of smoke he was gone and my dad was standing there. “What are you talking about?” my dad asked in David’s voice. “I am Travis.”

My heart needed a second to get over its sonic boom shock. “What? Have you been pretending to be my dad all this time? Were you the one that moved all her stuff into the nursing home?”

He shrugged his painfully familiar shoulders. “Your dad bailed. Someone needed to pick up the pieces. You were busy and Lincoln was gone. Although I think your grandma knows I’m not really Travis.”

It took me exactly a split second to wrap my arms around him. “Thank you!” I cried. “Thank you, I don’t know how to thank you.”

He awkwardly put his arms around me and thumped the breath out of me with his huge hands. “Just try to live.”

My momentary joy fled. That wasn’t possible.

I pulled back. “And Lincoln, will you set him right? Make sure they aren’t looking for him so he can go back to school?”

David cocked his head. “You want me to alter his memory?”

“What? No! I want him to go back to a normal life.”

David shook his head. “He can’t, not anymore.”

I blew air out of my pursed lips. “Look, I know he’ll be sad and everything but—”

“He’s changed now, Bixby. He’s not going to go back to the life he had. It’s separated, like yours. And believe it or not, his may be even more confusing. There are two of him now.”

“That’s not true,” I said uneasily, “there’s him and then there’s … him … in my dreams.”

David raised an eyebrow. “Yes. And they’ve met. And they are both real.”

My heart twisted in my chest. “Do you think … after ... maybe dream Lincoln can come visit me?”

“Maybe,” David said, but the dead look in his eyes said no.

I pretended I didn’t see it and gave what I hoped was a hopeful smile. “Thank you,” I said again. He didn’t respond, just watched me with his odd eyes. “So I’m really not going to make it, am I?”

He nodded his head.

“Good to know.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Maybe things will be okay … after.”

I snorted. “Sure, I’m going to look great in a toga playing the harp. Can’t wait.” My joking was forced but I refused to let fear or sadness crash over me. David hadn’t told me anything I didn’t already know. My new plan involved making everyone believe I still thought I could trick the curse while squeezing in as much quality time as possible in the next few months. “Or weeks,” I muttered to myself, entering the front door. “Or days.” I glanced up to see grey miserable clouds moving in.

I left David in the courtyard and made my way back inside, eyeing the skies with worry. Lincoln was sitting on the stairs waiting for me. He was biting his bottom lip and rumpling his hair at the same time. It was going to hurt him so bad when I … left. I shook my head, I needed to be honest with myself, time was getting too short. Linc would be hurt when I died.

He must have heard my sigh and looked up. “Bixby—”

I cut him off. “So I didn’t really get to eat much with all the evil glares going around the table. I was going to make …” I tried to think back to what his favorite was, “Salisbury steak for lunch.”

“Awesome,” he said and followed me down to the big kitchens. I made our lunch in a huge kettle and we gorged ourselves. We didn’t talk about Grandma or Dad or Mom. We talked about all his old sports victories and how much everyone loved him. He tried a few times to bring up Nightmare Town or Gatekeeping but each time I artfully changed the subject back to him, episodes of him in all his glory and me standing by as his ever ready cheerleader. He didn’t let the far off rumbling thunder interrupt his stories.

Finally the old stories ran out and we sat at the table, happy and full and content. “That was good, Bee. I missed your cooking.”

I grinned and looked over his massive form. “I can see that. I uh, I’m going to lie down for a while.” I looked him over, trying to fix his face in my mind so I wouldn’t forget—ever.

“Me too,” he agreed. The thunder rumbled again and I gave my brother what I was sure was going to be our last hug. I turned and left before he could see my tears.

When my face was no longer red and blotchy, I hunted down Luka. He was in the library with a mess of book strewn over three tables. “Damnit,” he muttered under his breath as he furiously paged through one of them.

“Luka,” I said quietly but he kept slapping the pages over. “Luka,” I said a little louder and placed my hand over his. He stopped tearing through the pages but wouldn’t look up. “It’s okay,” I said.

“No, it isn’t!” he snarled and swept all the books from the desk. His head was down between his shoulders as he leaned over the desk. Tentatively I touched a hand to his side and he spun around, wrapping me in his arms. I sunk into him and buried his face in my hair. “It’s not going to be okay,” he whispered. “We need more time.”

“We don’t get any more time,” I whispered back.

I could feel his shoulders shuddering and I tried to wrap my arms tighter but he pulled back a little and bent his face over mine. “I wanted you to be her, the one that would end all this.”

“I know.”

“And not just it would be over but because I wanted … you.”

I closed my eyes when he leaned his face closer and brushed his lips over mine. I wanted to kiss him back but just couldn’t and he seemed to know it. When I peeked my eyes open he was staring at me, his face still close.

I wanted to say something nice, something that would soothe his hurt feelings but I had nothing. So finally I said what I really wanted to say. “I’m sorry I couldn’t make things right. For all of us.”

Luka gave a rueful grin and pulled away. “So you going to let him off the hook before you go?”

“What do you mean?” Suddenly I didn’t know what to do with my empty arms so I wrapped them around myself. A flash of lightning lit the slowly darkening library but we both pretended we didn’t see it.