Wishful Thinking (22 page)

“That won’t happen again. You have my word,” he assured her.

She shook her head and shrugged herself away from his touch. “For what that’s worth.” He can only promise that because Amber’s in America, she thought with some bitterness.

He seemed to freeze for a moment and she caught a glimpse of his wounded expression in the glass. She turned to move back into the room, but he blocked her route.

“Why are you so willing to believe the worst about me, when you won’t even try to get to know the best?” He asked.

She gazed at him mutely for a moment and then shook her head. “Let me pass, please. I need to put Ben to bed. If it wasn’t for the weather,
we
would have been the ones leaving this time.”

He stood aside and watched her go, a sorrowful expression on his face.

18

When he first saw them walking into the kitchen side by side, his heart had lurched almost painfully. They looked so happy and
together
that he’d felt a sudden pang of dread. Had
that
been why she’d avoided him all week? He couldn’t believe it of either of them, but just in that moment a stab of betrayal and jealousy hit him. She looked so beautiful standing in the doorway; she’d almost ripped his breath away. Her cheeks were aglow and her eyes shone, like that day in the snow. There was something ethereal…angelic even about her. She wore a soft woollen hat pulled down to her ears but her blonde curls streamed out beneath it and cascaded down to her shoulders. He wanted to grab hold of her and crush her in his arms. But he simply sat there staring, like a fool, unable to move, until Ben tumbled in and broke the ice.

Later, when they adjourned to the inner room which Adam laughingly called the snug – like in some post-war era working class pub with genteel aspirations – he had to listen to all that shit from Adam, as if he’d arranged some secret tryst with Amber in L.A. Of course he knew that wasn’t what Adam really thought – he was just bitter about Amber and taking it out on him.

After Jess had left them, the argument between him and Adam raged on a little longer, before he’d also walked out. But not before he’d made his point clear.

“You know full well that Amber and I are through in that respect. Totally! The fact that you, of all people, can even suggest such a thing crucifies me! What exactly happened between you and Amber and why won’t you talk about it, Adam?” He demanded.

Adam threw himself moodily into a chair. “When she showed me the test result, it was the first I heard of it. She was ecstatic, but I just thought: Oh Christ - not again! I’d have to be insane to want to go through that again with her. So I tried to persuade her that an immediate termination was the best course. We both know what that doctor said - her chances of going to full term are so negligible as to be almost non-existent; and I’ve gone through that misery with her
twice
already. The very fact that she was able to get pregnant in the first place amazed me, as she promised me it was no longer an option. But I went a step further, just to make sure.”

Adam nodded. “I didn’t tell her, of course – she would have gone ballistic. But I thought it was best. Best for her at any rate. So when we found out she was pregnant again, you can imagine how I felt. When I told her why it couldn’t be mine, she was furious. Then she stopped arguing and suddenly turned round and admitted that it wasn’t mine after all – it was yours. By that time, I’d had enough.”

“And I swear on my life it’s not! You
have
to believe that, mate. You know exactly why she’s saying it! And you must know that operation isn’t always successful – you need to get a second opinion. But either way – I’m not letting Amber delude herself any more. We’ve been finished for a long time and I’ve moved on. That’s the truth. And if I have to have Amber
committed
to prove that to Jess, so be it!”

“You thought,” Adam began and Christian heard the accusation in his voice. “You thought Jess and I – oh, I saw the look in your eyes, so don’t bother denying it. I saw what you thought. Not a lot of trust there, then, mate, was there – in either of us? So why should I believe you? Why should Jess? I’ll tell you one thing, mate: she’s far too good for you. Too good for either of us - but she’s
definitely
too good for you. And I’ll make sure she realises that!”

He’d left him then, walked through to the kitchen-diner and seen her standing at the window, gazing forlornly out into the night. He’d known almost from the moment she entered his life, that he wanted Jess. There was something about the very fragrance of her that bewitched his senses. He loved her face – the way her eyes sparkled when she was happy and the way the tip of her nose turned pink in the cold making him want to kiss it. She brought out all his protective and possessive instincts. As he came to know her better, he also loved her shyness, her unassuming modesty and her compassion. She would never say anything deliberately hurtful to anyone, he knew that with total conviction. And he was worried that Adam was right about her.

He’d gone to her hoping to share a romantic moment between them, just to reassure her that his feelings hadn’t changed since those amazing nights of lovemaking before he’d had to leave for the U.S. It was the memory of those that had sustained him during the intervening week. A week? Is that all it had been? It felt like he’d been away from her for a year. Certainly his aching longing couldn’t have been greater if
had
been a year and his body reminded him of his need as he drew close to her.

When she pushed away from him, he saw the pain in her eyes and Adam’s accusation hit home with the full force he’d intended it to achieve. At that moment he felt incredibly isolated and as weak, as pathetic, as immature as it sounded even in his own head, he suddenly wanted to talk to his mother.

****

The three little boys bathed together in the big family bathroom and then Kate carried off the little one, while Jess settled down the older two. Once dried and in their pyjamas, they both sat cross-legged on the lower bunk while she settled on an oversized beanbag on the floor and began to read them a story. After a few lines, Ben interrupted.

“I know that one already, mummy. Tell us one of yours. They’re much better.”

“Yes!” Gray enthused. “Tell us about an impostersaurus!”

Jess smiled, closed the storybook and thought for a moment before she began to weave her tale of magic for the little boys’ delight. As she spoke, she was aware of Adam creeping into the room and flopping down on another beanbag behind her, listening with the same rapt attention as the little boys. To the evident delight of the children, she wove him into the story as well.

When the elaborate story finally came to a satisfying end, Jess noticed Kate was also standing in the doorway listening and smiling. Together they tucked the little boys into their bunks and left the room.

“You should do that professionally,” Adam said enthusiastically.

“No wonder Ben is so well-behaved when you’re such an enchantress,” Kate said after they had left the room. “I wish I had your imagination. If I threaten Gray with no story from me, he just laughs and tells me he’ll make up his own because they’re better! Adam’s right – you should write them down and publish them.”

As the three of them headed towards the staircase, Jess saw Christian standing in a doorway observing them silently as he tapped his phone against his mouth and looked thoughtful. He fell into step behind them as they descended the staircase and re-entered the kitchen where Greg had prepared the table for supper.

The mood between Christian and Adam seemed to lighten during supper as everyone tucked into Kate’s hearty and delicious coq au vin which was better than any chicken Jess had ever tasted before. “They’re not our own chickens”, Kate hastened to assure them all. “They come from the farm shop in the village – they’re not even chickens, actually – they’re randy old cocks who’ve had a long and productive life! That’s why they’ve been simmering for hours in the Aga. Slow cooking, really good wine and a liberal splash of cognac, that’s the secret of my recipe. Oh and of course, all the vegetables have to be locally sourced. Nothing must travel more than thirty miles. But the wine is allowed to come from further afield,” she laughed, lifting the bottle and passing it to Greg to refill their glasses.

Self-sufficiency, Jess thought, must be a wonderful thing. To live like this and not need anything from outside your local community for food or entertainment must be the best possible existence. There was no wonder Kate was so relaxed and grounded. And Greg, and Adam too. It was an idyllic lifestyle. She glanced up and caught Christian’s eye briefly. From the expression on his face, she guessed he was probably entertaining similar thoughts.

As the meal drew to its end, Greg began quizzing Adam and Christian on the likelihood of Wishful reuniting for a comeback. When Christian expressed his enthusiasm, Adam admitted he’d been working on a couple of new songs and so, after supper, the little group went into the room adjoining the snug - designated as the music room and in which several instruments were housed - to listen to Adam’s latest embryonic creations.

There was no doubt that they were good and Jess watched the ice melt away between the two friends as they excitedly discussed sounds, chord changes and lyrics. Adam introduced one of his creations as ‘Jess’s Song’ – not because it was about her, he explained, but because it was inspired by her and he continued to work on it as he played. Christian and Greg took up guitars to pick out the theme.

Listening to the emerging lyrics, Jess knew the song was actually about Amber – a beautiful woman on a pedestal, a goddess to be worshipped from afar, but some of her own words and observations had been cleverly woven into the narrative and she was impressed by their poetic effect. She made one or two further suggestions to certain lines now, which Adam pencilled in enthusiastically.

“Of course if this ever gets released, Jess will get equal credit for the lyrics,” Adam said and Jess laughed, flattered but unconvinced. It was, however, clearly the best of the songs and, as Adam and Christian worked further on it, its potential grew and before long they were all humming snatches of it to themselves and each other.

“Wishful really should record this,” Kate said. “It’s perfect for them. It would make a great come-back song. Or, what about that band we saw a couple of days ago on TV?” she turned to Greg for inspiration. “The five boys – Tiger-something …it’ll come to me in a minute. Anyway, I bet they’d snatch it up if you offered it to them.” She tapped her forehead as if the gesture would loosen her memory.

“It doesn’t matter who they are,” Christian said decisively. “This isn’t for sale – it’s too good. You’re right, Kate, it’ll be perfect for Wishful when we’ve done a bit more work on it.”

Jess watched the two friends for a while, pleased to see their hostilities now completely forgotten and enjoying, just for a moment, the animated look on Christian’s face. She then signalled to Kate that she would leave them to it and slipped out of the room. Kate followed her.

“Look, I wasn’t really sure what the situation was, so I put Christian on the other side of the boys’ room. That means he’s opposite you. Just so you know.”

Jess nodded and bit her lip. “Well, it looks like they’re settled in there for the night anyway,” she said eventually.

“Don’t you believe it,” Kate said. “The country air always knocks you townies for six on the first day. I’ll just have to yawn in front of them and they’ll be falling asleep over the keyboard.”

Jess smiled. “Then try not to yawn, Kate. Please.”

*

Jess stood under the warm shower for a long time, letting the water stream over her and soothe her while her mind replayed the day’s events and tried to make sense of her turbulent emotions. She was glad she hadn’t given into her knee-jerk reaction to run away – which she knew leaving for London would have meant – and missing out on such a pleasurable evening. But she was more confused than ever about Christian and Amber and her own feelings were in turmoil.

She cocooned herself in fluffy white towels and tidied the small en suite bathroom before stepping back into her cosy bedroom. As she did so, she heard a soft tap on the door. She hesitated before opening it a fraction to see Christian standing there. Opening it wider, Christian stepped into the room, took her straight into his arms and, without a word, brought his hungry lips down on hers.

She was too surprised to move or rebuff him, but that wasn’t her immediate reaction anyway. His lips against hers felt wonderful, soft, full and passionate and his tongue gently, but persistently, prised her lips apart. She yielded to the pressure and his tongue slipped sweetly into her mouth and performed a slow dance with hers as the kiss became deeper and more sensuous. A wave of longing washed through her.

His hands explored the naked skin of her shoulders and inched beneath the towel to caress her back. She could feel the towel loosen and she released a low moan of longing as a quivering began deep inside her body which set all her nerve endings tingling and begging for more. Before the towel dropped away from her, he picked her up and carried her over to the bed, his lips trailing adoring kisses down her throat and neck as he walked with her.