Wishful Thinking (28 page)

All three pairs of eyes were now glued to Christian as he spoke, Jess had released his hand and was now covering her mouth with both of hers as she stared at him in astonishment; Adam’s eyes were wide and disbelieving, his mouth slightly open, while Amber stared up at him from her snowy white pillows in horror and hatred.

“The reason Amber can’t carry a pregnancy to term is not the result of that so-called first miscarriage which she claimed I caused. It’s because - despite all her claims – she doesn’t actually want children. She inflicts damage on herself to make sure she never brings a pregnancy to full term, but of course, blaming herself is
unthinkable
for Amber, so she must pile the blame elsewhere – even onto other people.”

“No!” Amber shrieked. “That’s lies, terrible, slanderous lies! I’ll sue you for even suggesting that!”

Christian looked at her as if he were seeing her for the first time ever, and finding what he saw repugnant. “I think I’m the one who should be suing you – for
your
‘terrible, slanderous lies’, for defamation and for trying to destroy my life! It may be more than a little unorthodox, I know, but then I suppose that’s why people hire private detectives in the first place – to dig up private dirt. I have copies of medical records which don’t make very pleasant reading. They are in different names of course, though one is in the name of Annie Ryder, so I think the courts will be perfectly satisfied with them if you want to pursue that claim. You always said you had a dirty past, Amber – but I never realised just how dirty you meant.”

Amber fell back onto her pillows twisting her head from side to side, her face a picture of misery and self-pity. Adam had turned his face to the wall and was leaning his forehead against it. His hands were deep in his pockets and he appeared to be locked in a completely different world. Jess wanted to say something to Amber but could only stare at her in silence, just like Christian, as a thought too awful to articulate pounded through her mind.

She watched Christian move towards the bed and touch Amber’s hand as if he might hold it, but couldn’t bring himself to do so. The pain in his expression wrenched at her heart as he looked at Amber as if his eyes were finally seeing the real person at last.

“I could sympathise with you if you hadn’t lied so much. This is an illness, Ambs and I know I should feel sorry for you. You need help badly, and I’m not just begging you to accept it – I will make damn certain you have no choice. I don’t suppose you even understand your own motivations, but surely you understand how damaging your lies were? Can you even comprehend what you put me through with your accusations? I believed everything you said about me and amplified it ten times over in my mind. Why did you insist I’d pushed you? How could you make me go on believing that for two and a half years?”

“I just wanted you to know what
my
suffering was like,” Amber said, seizing his hand and trying to pull it closer to her. Her voice was hardly more than a harsh whisper. “I just needed you to feel it with me. But no one can ever do that. You’ll never know how lonely it is not having anyone to share your pain.”

Christian shook his head. “Not good enough, Amber. We all tried our best to do that and to protect and support you. But to inflict so much misery on the people who loved you because you had a terrible childhood – that drives sympathy away. I might have been able to make allowances for myself, but I’ll never be able to forgive you for trying to put Jess through the same misery.” He released Amber’s grip of his hand by prising away her fingers and, with a final shake of his head, turned to lead Jess from the room. She was still too stunned to utter a word.

At the door, they paused and Christian put his hand on Adam’s shoulder for a moment. Adam nodded, but said nothing and remained where he was, white faced and grave. Poor, poor man, Jess thought. He’s going to need time and space to grieve.

****

He’d gone in there all guns blazing, but left without any great sense of achievement. After that long session that morning talking everything through with Steve Grayson, he’d wanted nothing more than to confront Amber, make her confess the truth and explain why she’d done it. But seeing her lying there, looking so miserable, he realised she was probably the last person to understand her actions. Grayson had explained Amber’s psychosis to him – that she was torn between her powerful urge to be a mother and the conflicting and even more powerful belief that she could not bring a child into this world to suffer as she had. Add to that mixture, Amber’s pathological inability to accept blame for her actions and a very dangerous psychosis is born.

Christian could understand the words, but he could not comprehend the emotions. It had to be enough for him that this enormous weight of guilt had now gone from his shoulders; and it had to be enough that Jess would not go through the same torment. More than that, he couldn’t consider. What he’d lost, what he might have had was a pain that must forever dwell in the past.

The person he felt most pity for right now was Adam. He genuinely loved Amber and what this knowledge would do to that love was something he couldn’t guess. But Adam needed to know that Amber’s lost babies – his lost babies might have lived. And he also needed to make sure that if and when the police returned, the records would be set right. What the future had to offer for Amber, he didn’t want to think about.

Jess barely spoke a word on the drive back to Mayfair and he knew she was still in a state of shock. As they entered the house and the door closed behind them, he drew her into his arms and looked into her lovely, trusting face. Her eyes shone as she looked up at him and he could read in them a world of understanding, of sympathy, forgiveness and love as she reached her lips up to be kissed by his.

“I’m so very sorry for your loss,” she whispered, looking deep into his eyes.

He nodded, but said nothing. It was hard to grasp the significance of losing something you’d never considered to be rightfully yours and the enormity of this loss still baffled him.

“We’re both free now,” she told him, snuggling against his shoulder and aiming little kisses at his throat.

And it was that sense of freedom, as Jess called it that had started to fill him with wonder on the drive home. He couldn’t dwell on Amber’s senseless destruction because nothing could change what had happened. It was a pain that belonged in the past. His future looked so much more beautiful and enticing.

“Free to plan our future without any ugly baggage dragging us down,” he acknowledged, leading her towards the sofa before they’d even removed their coats and pulling her down on top of him, so that they could kiss more equally. He loved to feel her weight on top of him. It reminded him that she was real, and his. “I think that calls for champagne, don’t you?”

“I’d rather have a few more of these,” Jess said, pushing him backwards and leaning over him to offer her soft and luscious lips, which he willingly accepted. And he thought: this is perfect contentment, lying here in the middle of the afternoon with the woman he loved and not having a care in the world. Gently, so as not to break physical contact for more than a second, they helped each other to remove their outdoor clothing to allow that closer intimacy their bodies craved and lay in each other’s consoling embrace for a long time.

*

When they surfaced for air, they continued to gaze into each other’s eyes and a sensation of wellbeing flooded through him. Soon Ben would be home from school and they’d behave like the happy family he had come to believe was their role, a role he wanted to make permanent.

“You know, as an only child, I always wanted a large family,” he told her, dropping more kisses into her hair as she lay peacefully against him.

She looked up, slightly surprised and smiled, though a little uncertainly, as if unsure whether he was referring to his past losses or his future possibilities. “Me too.”

“In that case, I think we owe it to ourselves to get married as quickly as possible and put our wishes into practice, don’t you agree?” It wasn’t the most romantic way to propose, he knew but he suddenly felt the need to lighten the mood, drawing the curtains on the gloom of their past.

For a moment she seemed to be suspended in frozen animation, a curious expression on her face. Then slowly she pushed herself up and away from him, but without removing her eyes from his as he watched her intently. “Is that a proposal?” She asked him at last.

He released a mock groan. “Oh I know…I know exactly what you’re thinking.”

“You do?”

“Yes. You’re thinking I’m a lazy sod and need to get off my backside and down on one knee. Well then,” he paused, rolling off the sofa and onto his knees on the floor in front of her. “My lovely, wonderful Jess – will you make me truly complete by agreeing to marry me soon? And by soon, I mean
ultra
-soon. Only, Ben will be home from school in a minute and I think he’s pretty impatient for a new brother or sister so we really shouldn’t waste a minute.”

He looked into her sparkling blue eyes which were shining with love and knew with complete conviction that this was absolutely right and that he wanted her more than any other woman in the world as he waited for her answer.

“Yes!” she said at last and it sounded like the sweetest word ever uttered to his ears. He was glad she repeated it as he looked into her lovely face. “Yes, oh yes and another yes for good measure! Oh Christian, I love you so much – I’d
love
to marry you.”

“And I love you too, my little ghost-writer,” he said, releasing the breath he’d been holding without even realising in an explosion of profound joy. He kissed the tip of her irresistible nose before drawing her towards him. “Infinitely more than words can say.”

More books by Lynette Sofras

The Apple Tree – contemporary romance

Escaping from your past is never easy, as young hospital doctor Juliet discovers when she tries to start afresh, leaving both her marriage and her career behind. Love blossoms rapidly when she meets the mysterious and forthright Nicholas, who seems to herald the new beginning she craves.

The past quickly dissolves into insignificance as their all-consuming romance propels them forward but Juliet has to learn the price of happiness in the cruellest way possible. Will she be able face the painful roots of her past in order for her future to grow strong and healthy?

Available from Amazon and all major e-book distributors.