Wishful Thinking (a journey that will change lives forever) (32 page)

“Why are you speaking out against Ms Patterson – effectively hindering her case?” the barrister continued.  “Particularly if you two had a close relationship?”

Sam took another deep breath, as if this was something that weighed heavily on his mind, but Louise didn’t believe it for a second.  It was all an act – something that Sam was obviously very good at.  He shook his head. “It wasn’t like that.  I liked Louise and had got to know her very well.  But she told me something a while back, something I couldn’t ignore – about her accident.”

“Go on.”

Louise’s heart thudded, remembering the thrust of the conversation and, worse, realising exactly what he was about to do.  Hot bile rose in her throat.

“We were talking about her scars,” Sam continued blithely and just then Louise truly understood how carefully choreographed the whole situation had been. And worse, how
easily she had played into his hands – into
their
hands.  “Louise is embarrassed about them, ashamed of them really. She feels they take away from her looks somehow.  She even talked about having cosmetic surgery done – to get rid of them.”

Her stomach turned.
Oh – my – God.

“Cosmetic surgery?” Flanagan looked astonished. “A young girl on clerical assistant’s wages? However would she pay for such a thing?” he added pointedly.

“I don’t know – that didn’t come up.  Anyway, she told me about the accident, not about the case mind you, although I knew about that from another source.”

“Oh? How so?”

“My friend – he works with Leo – with Mr Gardner.  But that had nothing to do with my meeting Louise.  It was just the way things happened.”

“So, you weren’t aware of the case at the time you met Ms Patterson?”

“No, no, of course not,” Sam replied, the picture of innocence, but Louise knew well that he was lying.  He’d done it all on purpose.  Chatting her up in the Four Seasons, asking her out, and finding out all those things, all the time silently plotting against her.  Of course, she’d made it easy for him, hadn’t she? Playing the busy girl-about-town, the unavailable party girl.  Then, when he had enough to sink her, when he had what he wanted, he’d taken off.   Busy with work, my foot! 

But now she couldn’t even feel angry about it, she was so hurt, so ashamed at being so easily taken in, at being so stupid as to think that this seemingly perfect guy would be interested in her.  She’d been right all along.  She
was
useless.  Tears pricked at her eyes, but she was not going to give in to them.  No, she wouldn’t let any of them see her cry.  No matter how bad it looked, no matter how bad he made it look, she had to remember that she’d done nothing wrong, nothing wrong at all.  He was the lying, deceitful one in this room.  

Sam was still talking. “No, I was mad about Louise but, as I said, one night she mentioned something about the accident, and we talked about it.  I’ll admit I was curious about how it all happened. My friend had told me about this girl who had taken a case against Leo, and I thought it was fairly straightforward.  In fact, up until that night I was on Louise’s side.  And I was about to tell her I sort of knew Gardner, but I was still on her side.”

Lies, lies, lies.

“So why didn’t you?”

“Because I discovered that it
hadn’t
all been Leo’s fault,” he said, delivering the killer blow and, with that, Louise stopped breathing.  “She told me that it was as much her fault as it was his.  She told me that she’d been in world of her own when she stepped out on the road, and to this day she’s not sure if the lights had gone red or not.  The guards had told her that afterwards.”

Flanagan smiled, having delivered his coup de théâtre.  “Ms Patterson believes that the accident was as much her fault as Mr Gardner’s?” he repeated loudly, just in case somebody in the room might not have been paying due attention.  “That she might have contributed to her accident and subsequently her injuries – herself?”

“I believe so, yes.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Louise saw James Cahill shake his head in defeat. O’Toole sat rigid in his seat, dumbfounded. It was all over.

“I see.” Trying desperately to hide a smile, the barrister nodded. “Thank you very much, Mr Harris,” he added before returning to his seat. “No further questions.”

                                             *******

Shame and embarrassment burned through Louise now as she stared out the window of the train and remembered the things that Sam had said about her and her lifestyle, all of them true, but twisted and edited to make it sound as though she were a fraudster, a dishonest chancer.  The shame was even worse than the certainty that she was now going to lose.  They were due back in the court the following Monday for the judge’s decision – a decision that would undoubtedly ruin what was left of her pathetic excuse for a life.

“If he rules against you, he’ll likely award Gardner costs,” Cahill informed her afterwards, while her brain was still trying to come to terms with the enormity of Sam’s betrayal. The solicitor shook his head dejectedly. “Admitting to someone that you might have been at fault, someone that you barely knew … what were you thinking, Louise?”  Cahill was annoyed and rightly so, although Louise couldn’t help thinking that he was more annoyed about losing his percentage than losing the case – a case that up until today had been such a sure thing. Cut and dried.

How did they get it so wrong?  How could
she
have got it so wrong?  She should have known better than to be taken in by someone as handsome and charming as Sam. Fiona had been right – she was too trusting and gullible – and wasn’t it foolish wishful thinking that a man like him could honestly be interested in someone like her?  How could she have been so bloody stupid? How could she have possibly believed that a pathetic idiot like her could seriously attract someone like him?  Sam was way out of her league, had always been out of her league, and she supposed, deep down she’d always known that too.  Yet, he seemed so honest, so genuine – she couldn’t believe how anyone could be so heartless and so evil as to fake all that.  To think that she had allowed herself to be kissed and caressed by him and had almost …

She shook her head.  Would he have gone through with it? Would Sam have gone as far as sleeping with her just to find out the information he wanted?  His admission that he’d been a ‘friend’ of Leo Gardner’s all along was bull as far as she was concerned; any fool (even she, in retrospect) could see that.  She recalled how Sam had told her he worked as a ‘troubleshooter’.  Chances were he was some kind of private investigator, someone who had been paid to get close to her, find out what he wanted, and then, without a second thought, callously mess up her life.  At the end of the day, what did it matter to Sam? He could just walk away – wages in pocket.  Job done.

The problem was that Louise had fallen for him, and fallen hard.  It was the first time in a very long time that she’d seriously allowed herself to fall for anyone.  She’d really believed they might have a future together. Sam had seemed so honest and open that there had been little game-playing once she had got over her initial ‘play hard to get’ phase.  They had spent many a nice night just having a laugh at the pub or watching a movie and Louise couldn’t remember ever enjoying herself so much.  He had created such a false sense of security that his betrayal was only second to the blow of actually losing him, of realising that he never cared about her at all.

But, she thought, tears brimming in her eyes, much as he’d hurt her and broken her heart, losing Sam was now the least of her worries.

She’d lost the case – Gardner’s sharp legal team and Sam’s testimony had made sure of that.  So there would be no magic wand to wave away her pile of debt; if anything, this was now about to become a full-blown mountain. If the judge awarded costs to Gardner, then financially she would be in serious trouble.

And what had made her think she deserved compensation in the first place?  All the things her sister had warned her about, all the things that Heather had disapproved of came rushing back.  Heather had been right.  The fact that she was still alive should have been enough.  The fact that she was up to her eyeballs in debt was just one of those things, and who was she to expect that someone else should bail her out?  It was incredible how clear it all seemed now.  But of course, she wouldn’t hear of it at the time – no, she needed the money, needed to rid herself of the loans and credit-card bills which, no matter how hard she tried, never seemed to decrease. And as James Cahill had drummed into her often enough, she was entitled to the money, wasn’t she?

But the truth was that she was a fool, a stupid, pathetic fool and it served her right for being so determined, when everyone else – well, Heather anyway – had been so sure it was all a bad idea. 

She couldn’t tell Heather about this.  No, Heather would go crazy with worry and would probably insist on helping her pay for Leo Gardner’s legal costs.  And Louise knew her sister couldn’t afford that.  Who could?  This thought once again reminded her that she was in a very desperate situation, and one that she’d brought entirely on herself.

Her eyes welled up with tears, and she willed them away, trying to block out her own worries for a moment and concentrate on something else, otherwise there was a danger she’d break down altogether.

She looked furtively around the train carriage, and noticed how everyone seemed happy and content with not a care in the world.   She’d give anything to feel like that again, give anything to take back the disaster that was today, and the embarrassment of the last few weeks, when she’d stupidly begun to fall for Sam.  She’d give anything to go back to being carefree and debt-free, the way she’d been long before all of this happened.  She’d even go back to being overweight and friendless, as in all honesty it had been the weight loss that had got her into a lot of these troubles in the first place, hadn’t it?

When she was overweight, people didn’t expect her to be dressed in up-to-the-minute designer gear, or going out clubbing three and four nights a week.  Back then, the girls never asked her to join them on nights out on the town, on shopping trips to New York, on expensive holidays abroad.  It was only when she’d lost the weight that she’d lost her inhibitions, and become friendly with people like Fiona and Gemma – people who loved to socialise and, unfortunately, loved to spend even more. 

She would have been much better off keeping her head down, and working hard to pay off her debts, rather than swanning around the town with the girls, chasing so-called celebrities.  If she’d done that, she mightn’t be in this mess now.  She would have been quite happy in her little bedsit in Rathgar with her teeny wardrobe and only her books for company, rather than friends like Fiona and her never-ending shopping trips.  Life had been much simpler back then, hadn’t it?

Louise’s eyes welled up with tears again  She’d do anything –
anything
to make life simpler again, anything to make all this shame, hurt and utter heartbreak go away.

Anything at all.

That same evening, Dara too returned home, her heart also heavy at today’s events. . 

She was used to both winning and losing, but she didn’t think she would ever forget the expression on that poor girl’s face when their ‘star witness’ appeared.  Louise Patterson had looked astonished, crushed, totally defeated. 

Whatever about Gardner’s dirty tricks, Dara had never believed that the girl had exaggerated her injuries; in fact, she personally believed her client should have made recompense from the very beginning.  The poor girl would now not only have to pay costs, but could very well face charges of her own if the court believed she willingly attempted to defraud the system.  No wonder she looked crushed. 

And, despite her true feelings on the matter, Dara had to live with the fact that she’d helped ruin that poor girl’s life, and very possibly, her future.  

She let herself quietly into the apartment, unable to shake the feeling that soon she might very well have to do the same to her own husband.  

Inside, the apartment was strangely quiet.  Usually Mark had the TV or stereo on, and more often than not, he could be found singing along to his Dean Martin CD collection, something that Ruth thought was terribly endearing, and something that Dara really wished he was doing now.  In view of his offhand behaviour that morning, the silence was unnerving.

But when Dara stepped into the living-room, she knew without doubt something really was wrong. 

Mark was sitting on the sofa in silence, his body rigid, and his expression unreadable.

“Mark?” she queried, softly. “What’s going on? Why are you sitting in the dark like that?” She switched on the overhead light.

“I know.” His tone was hard.

She felt her throat close over. “What?”

“I said I know,” he repeated.  “I know about you and that – that guy you’ve been seeing.”

Oh God, no. Dara set down her briefcase, and sat quietly on the armchair across from him.  His eyes were downcast, his jaw set in a firm line.

“Mark,” she began softly, “you don’t – ”

“Dara, we haven’t even been married six months.” The quiet way he said it – his disappointment palpable – instantly made Dara feel incredibly ashamed. 

“Mark, you really don’t – ”

“And do you know, the crazy thing is, I think I knew it all along!  I think knew deep down you didn’t really love me. I knew you were marrying me because you were afraid of being left on the shelf.”

“That’s not true!” Despite herself, she had to refute this. “That wasn’t how it went – I did …” she paused, “I
do
love you.”

Mark laughed, a short nasty laugh that she had never heard from him before. “So how come you were caught crawling all over some bloke in town a few days ago, then?”

“What?” How … who?  What was he talking about?  Who could have seen them?

“Gillian phoned me last night.  She said she had something to tell me – about you.”

Dara’s heart sank.  “So, that was why you were acting so strangely this morning – ”

His sister must have seen them together in the café, or perhaps walking down the street or something.  Bloody hell! Of all the people to catch them … but still, she reminded herself, she wasn’t doing anything wrong.  She
hadn’t
done anything wrong.  And if she could just explain everything to Mark then, maybe, he might understand.  But what had Gillian said?

“I didn’t know for sure this morning,” he continued.  “Last night, all she said was that she had her suspicions.  Today she told me everything she’d seen.”

Dara shook her head.  “Mark, there was nothing to see.”  She wasn’t sure why she was trying to defend her meeting with Noah all of a sudden.  This was what she wanted, wasn’t it?  To bring things out in the open, to discuss them so it would be easier for her to come clean with Mark, and stop feeling so guilty about it.  And, more importantly, so she could reach some sort of conclusion.  “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

But Mark didn’t want to hear it. “When she told me on the phone that she’d seen you with someone,” he continued, his tone hard, his eyes steely, “first I thought, nah, it has to be a client.  But then, when I heard the two of you were holding hands, I thought to
myself, well, you did say once you’d do anything to keep your clients happy. So how far
would
you go, Dara?” He looked at her scornfully.

Dara recoiled in shock.  Why was he saying these things?  She’d done nothing wrong!

“He wasn’t a client!” she cried, astonished by his demeaning accusations.  “He’s an old friend and – ”

“An old friend?” At this his face changed suddenly, as if unable to believe that what Gillian had told him was really true. “What kind of old friend?  An old friend of the family – or an old friend you used to sleep with?”

Dara looked away, and said nothing. But her expression told him all he needed to know.

“I see.” He stood up and walked to the window, turning his back to her.  “So how long has it been going on?” he asked, his voice dripping with hostility.  “Did we ever actually have a marriage – or had you decided from day one that you were going to have your cake and eat it?”

“No, it’s just … Mark, you must believe me, I never planned this.  I never thought I’d see him again and – ” 

“But why, Dara?  Why did you marry me if you were pining for someone else? You didn’t need me – you had your own home, a good job and were well able to fend for yourself, so why drag me into all of this? Why mess up my life too?”

“I didn’t – ”

“It couldn’t be just about sex, could it?” he went on, not letting her answer. “I mean, you’re a good-looking girl and these days women don’t need to get married just to have regular sex.  These days it seems women don’t need us at all, so what …?” He trailed off then as if realising something.  Then he turned back to face her, his expression filled with
disdain. “Please don’t tell me you married me because your bloody biological clock was ticking, Dara!  Don’t you dare tell me you wanted me to act as a goddamn sperm-donor!”

She flushed with guilt, and tears sprung to her eyes.  Of course, there was a grain of truth in what he said, but, God, he made it all sound so predatory! 

“Mark, it wasn’t like that!  I care about you a lot – we were great friends and we had a wonderful time together so I thought … I thought that would be enough.”  Hearing her own words out loud, Dara finally understood how incredibly stupid she’d been, how she’d been kidding herself to believe that what they had would be enough.

And how selfish she’d been towards him.

“So you decide to go ahead with marrying me, even though you knew I wasn’t the right one for you?” he asked angrily, waiting for her to contradict him.

But Dara didn’t say a word.  She didn’t dare.

“You selfish cow!” Mark was incandescent. “The nerve of you, Dara! The nerve of you to stand up in front of all our friends – in front of our
families
– and simply lie through your teeth!  How dare you make those empty promises to me, empty promises about our future! Who the hell do you think you are?”

By now, Dara was in tears. “Mark, I’m sorry.  I’m so, so sorry.  I thought it would be OK.  I thought we’d be fine, that we’d be happy, that I’d – ”

“But that’s it, isn’t it?” he interjected. “It was all about you.  All about
you
being happy, and
you
getting what you wanted, although even now I can’t figure out exactly what that was.  Did you ever stop to think that
I
might deserve better? That
I
might deserve someone who considered me worthy of them? That I might appreciate the chance to find someone who loved me as much as I loved them?” With that, his voice broke, and he looked away.

Dara’s hands shook.  She had never seen this side to him – seen him so angry, so full of explosive rage.  She’d never even imagined that Mark had an angry side. He was always so easy-going, so slow to anger and averse to conflict.  She’d thought she knew him well, but seeing him like this merely brought it home to her how much she’d underestimated Mark Russell. 

For the next few minutes, a heavy silence hung between the two of them.

Eventually Dara found the courage to speak. “Mark, I do love you,” she began softly, willing him to try and understand.  “I never lied about that.  But there was – there
is
– someone else that I have feelings for too – strong feelings.  We knew each other a long time ago, and I thought it was over between us.”

“But it’s not,” Mark stated flatly, refusing to look her in the eye.

“No, no, it’s not,” she admitted sadly.

“So why the fuck did you marry me, Dara?  If you had feelings for – for
him
, then why did you go through with it? Why didn’t you stay with him, or go to him, or whatever the hell – ”

“He came back into my life only recently,” she interrupted, “completely by accident.  We hadn’t seen one another in years, and I thought I’d never see him again.  A while back, I found out he was married to someone else so I – ”

“Oh? It must
really
have been true love between you two then,” Mark interjected derisively.

Dara ignored the jibe. “The marriage happened a long time after we broke up,” she clarified. “And as it turned out, it was a mistake.”

“I see.” Mark ran a hand through his hair.  “So he gets bored with the wife and then what – he comes crawling back to you, looking for forgiveness?”

“No, nothing like that,” Dara replied, the accusation stinging somewhat. “We simply bumped into one another one day, spent a bit of time catching up and … after a while, we both realised …” she hesitated, “we both realised that our feelings for one another hadn’t really changed.”

“And while you were reliving these – these feelings for the guy, the fact that you had a husband at home was conveniently forgotten, was it?  Jesus, how stupid was I not to notice that you were carrying on behind my back?” Then his eyes narrowed and his face paled, as if realising something.  “And you must have been doing both of us at the same time! For fuck’s sake, Dara!”  

Realising what he was thinking, Dara’s eyes widened, horrified. “No, Mark, please believe me, I wasn’t … I
didn’t
do anything wrong.  I didn’t sleep with him or do anything with him – with Noah.” She wasn’t sure about mentioning his name, but at this stage, there seemed no reason not to.

“Noah!” Mark almost spat out the name.  “A guy who likes things in pairs.  So, not content with having one woman, the guy has to go and get himself another – to hell with her husband!” He began to pace the room. “Still, I don’t suppose I can blame the man.  If I could get away with having two women at once, I’d probably try it too. The problem is, I can’t seem to keep even
one
happy, so I suppose that rules out my chances, doesn’t it?”

“Mark, that’s not true.  You did make me happy – you
do
make me happy.” She shook her head, feeling jaded all of a sudden.  With today’s underhand court proceedings and now this, everything was really beginning to drain her, and she knew that neither of them was in the right frame of mind to resolve things here and now. “Look,” she said softly, “it’s been a long day, and I know you’re upset.”

“That’s putting it bloody mildly!”

“I know you probably don’t believe me, but I was going to tell you about Noah coming back into my life.  I was going to discuss it with you.  I’m telling you the truth when I say that nothing went on between us. I’ve always been faithful to you, and despite what Gillian thinks, I did nothing wrong – nothing.” Mark’s expression was stony, and Dara knew it was pointless trying to talk to him when he was in this state. “Look, we both need some time to think about this, some time to get our heads together.” She paused. “I was thinking I might stay at Ruth’s tonight.”

“I see.”

“Mark, I just need some time to get my head together.  Things aren’t as straightforward as you seem to think. I still don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I do have feelings for Noah, but you’re my husband and – ”

“What?” He laughed cruelly. “So what you’re saying now is that you’re going off on your own to think about it – to make a
decision
?”

Her heart leapt with fear at the dangerous tone in his voice. “Well, yes, I thought –”

“You’re some tonic, Dara, do you know that? Do you really think it’s all that simple?  Do you really think that now – knowing what I know about you, about what a selfish, deceitful person you are – that I’ll just sit around like an idiot and wait for you to come to some kind of decision?  That I’ll wait patiently for you to make a choice between that bastard and me?” His eyes flashed dangerously. “You’ve got some cheek!  After everything I’ve heard today, what makes you think
I
want to remain married to
you
? What makes you think
I
should settle for second-best – for someone who has to
decide
whether or not she loves me enough, someone who has to choose between me and some other idiot! What makes you think I’ll be a part of that? Go to bloody Ruth’s! Go wherever you like! Just make sure you get the hell out of my sight!”