Wishing on a Blue Star (30 page)

I held onto his hip with a hold that was certain to leave bruises and bent forward and took the length of him in hand. I felt his clenching channel tighten and massage the length of me, and then felt the muscles clamp down as he rode the wave of a roaring orgasm.

I was seconds behind him, pumping him though the aftershocks as I filled the condom. When I collapsed on top of him, driving him down onto the couch, I heard him grunt with my weight.

“Sorry,” I apologized, lifting up.

“Wait,” he sighed with a sound I thought was maybe, possibly, contentment. “Don’t move.”

“I’m crushing you.”

“No, and I can feel your heart beating in your cock inside me. I like it.”

“T
––
”

“I love it,” his voice broke. “Okay, are you happy? I fuckin’ love it.”

I was thrilled, but not because I had won in some way. His confession was what pleased me. I was happy because I had just made love to the only man I ever would again. He belonged to me already, whether he knew it or not.

I eased gently from his body and watched as he hid his face from me, covering his eyes with his arm. I got up and went to the bathroom. I ditched the condom, grabbed a washcloth and a hand towel and cleaned myself up before heading back out to Tai.

He was quiet through my ministrations, and when I didn’t return after several minutes, he came looking for me. I was in his bed under the covers flipping channels on his TV. His expression was priceless.

“Order in, Chinese or pizza, but do it from bed,” I said, flipping back the covers so he could join me.

He stood there, staring, and then suddenly, he was beside me, cell phone in hand, as he wrapped around me, head on my chest. I think I heard him order pepperoni pizza—I wasn’t really paying attention—but when his leg slipped over my thigh and he snuggled in tight, I put an arm around him to anchor him to my side.

“Stay here, okay?”

“I was planning on it,” I assured him.

“No, I mean stay all weekend.”

“If you insist,” I chuckled, bending to kiss the top of his head.

He lifted his face at the same time so my lips met his instead. The kiss was lush with promise and slow with meaning, and when I pulled back I saw it for the first time—his eyes, filled with me.

“I like you in my bed,” he told me.

“That’s good, ‘cause I ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

And my words soothed him in ways I didn’t know about at the time.

People disappointed Tai and left Tai, and because I didn’t—because I stuck around and never, ever threatened to leave him and never got bored and laughed at his jokes—I became the one. I became the guy, his guy, and I loved it.

“Mark?”

I was brought from my daydream to face a scowling Tai.

“Sorry.”

“What’s wrong?”

I smiled at him. “Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me?”

“No,” he told me, as his eyes filled.

“Stop,” I said, reaching out to draw him in close to me. “I was just thinking about you is all.”

I heard his breath catch right before he turned in my arms and grabbed me hard. His face was buried in my shoulder.

“Mark?” My mother said slowly. “What’s going on?”

Three

“I can’t do it,” my brother Frank had said as he walked beside me back from the basketball court at dusk three days before.

I turned my head to look at him. “What can’t you do?”

“I can’t be you for them, Mark, I just can’t.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You saw what happened. I made a mistake and almost died, and everyone is on their way out here now to try and talk you into letting them commit me.”

“Dramatic much?” I asked him.

“It’s true, and we both know it.”

I walked silently beside him.

“I just
––
I feel like shit that I put everyone through that, ya know?”

“I do.”

“And now I’m the crazy guy you have to hide the razor blades from.”

When I was quiet again, he turned to look at me and found me with my eyebrow raised, staring at him.

He laughed in spite of himself. “Shit, you know what I mean.”

“I guess,” I shrugged pointing the way home for him even though he probably knew. It was engrained in me to lead; I was his older brother, after all.

“I just,” he grabbed me suddenly, making me stop and look at him. “Are you sure?”

“Sure about what?”

“Fuck you, Mark,” he snapped, pushing me back. “Are you sure you’re gonna fuckin’ die?”

“Yes, honey,” I soothed him. “I’m sick, and I’ve been sick for awhile, and now it’s time to tell everyone so they can wrap their brains around it, because I’m gonna stop being this pretty fairly soon.”

He sucked in his breath. “Does Tai know?”

“Yes, he does.”

“Then why is he still flying?”

“He’s actually taking an extended leave of absence in the next two weeks. He just needed to clock a few more miles to make him eligible. You notice he’s not flying out of the country anymore, though.”

Frank was on the verge of tears. “It’s not
––
it shouldn’t be you, Mark. You’re the guy who holds everything together. You’re the one everyone will come see when they’re pissed at everyone else. You’re the one who…I mean, if you’re not here, everything will fall apart.”

I shook my head, pulling him forward, sweat and all, into my arms. “You don’t have to be me, Frankie; you just need to be you. You just need to stick around and take care of Mom, and back Dad up when he gets buried in estrogen and give the girls shit, so they don’t forget to laugh. Trish and Ethan are having a rough time right now, and Deb and Alex are trying to have a baby. You need to check in with everyone, and help if you can. You need to be a part of team Gabriel. The family needs you.”

He grabbed me tight. “What about Tai?”

“It’s not your place to worry about Tai; you have your own life to live.”

“But he
––
”

“I’m putting Dad in charge of watching over him.”

“Dad?” He was shocked.

“Yes, Dad,” I sighed. “Dad will make sure he’s okay, and because Dad is Dad, Tai won’t be able to say no when the old man asks him to come visit. He can say no to all the rest of you, but not him. It’s engrained too deep.”

He nodded as he eased out of my arms. “All that good Japanese upbringing, huh?”

“That’s right,” I said turning for home.

Frank rushed around in front of me, and I saw, for the millionth time, a younger, more handsome, version of myself. Same blue eyes, same brown hair, but where my features were broad and plain, his were fine and chiseled. My parents’ genes had been mixed up great in him.

“You really dug me out of a shithole this time, Mark.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate it—you believing that I’ll be okay.”

I tousled his sweat-dampened hair. “Of course you’ll be okay. You’re gonna be great.”

He pulled in air and was suddenly there, back in my arms, having lunged at me.

I knew I would have to get used to it.

* * * *

I was sitting in the living room looking around at the faces of my family. My father had his jaw clenched tight, and he was squinting so he wouldn’t cry. My mother was weeping and holding Tai’s hand tight. Trish was leaning into Ethan’s arms, and Deb was wrapped around Alex. I rolled my eyes.

“Don’t you dare do that!” My mother snapped at me. “It’s not fair, Mark. We get to be sad, goddamnit. It’s our fuckin’ right!”

The room was still and silent, and I knew why. My mother swearing was an event that happened maybe once a decade. It just wasn’t her way. 

Tai shot me a look, and I deflated. “Sorry.”

“How long have you had it?”

“Three years,” I told her, sinking down into the chair.

“And when did Tai know?”

“Last year,” I told her.

She turned to look at him. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry he made you keep it from us. To have to carry the burden alone must have been exhausting.”

My mother was amazing. She didn’t attack him for not telling her; she went right to what it meant for him instead. When he leaned sideways into her arms, I saw how pleased she was. The woman had wanted to mother him since the moment they met, and it looked like now she was finally going to get her chance, sixteen years later.

It took hours to get it all out, the diagnosis and the chemo and the remission that had not lasted and the more chemo I now needed. I had to explain about the first doctor, and the second, and the godsend I had finally found who insisted on meeting Tai immediately, no matter what kind of hurt locker that put me in.

There was the grief to explain, and anger, and how I had almost pushed Tai away before I decided on being selfish and pulled him back to me with a ravenous hunger. I had to have him; he was necessary. I had not wanted him to suffer, but it turned out that me trying to put distance between us had nearly carved out his heart.

I told my family everything, explained what had happened and what would, and about the trip I was taking to Paris with the man I loved. We would be back for the holidays, and we had rented a cabin in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I wanted a white Christmas, but I wanted it away from any of our homes. I would not have any last memories of me cluttering up the places where they lived. I especially didn’t want that for Tai, even though for him, really, there was no getting around it.  

There was crying and hugging, and my father just holding my hand nearly did me in. When I finally got up and stumbled into the bedroom, I fell face-first down on the bed.

“Yeah, I remember.”

I rolled my head to the side to look at Tai’s knees, as he had moved over beside the nightstand. “What are we talking about?”

“The first time I told you I loved you.” He took a breath, and I rolled over on my back so I could see his face. I saw immediately how red-rimmed those beautiful eyes of his were. “I remember.”

I could not control my grin. “Yeah?”

He nodded, moving closer to the bed until he touched it. “I came back early from a trip, and since I already had keys to your place, I went there first and found you asleep on the couch.”

“I can’t sleep in bed when you’re not home.”

“Yes, I know,” he said, his voice deep, husky. “And I was standing there, looking down at you, all rumpled with your glasses on your forehead and drooling
––
”

“Really? Drooling?”

He grunted. “But the point was, you were there, you were always going to be there, and the fact that even after a minute of us being together, you couldn’t even bear to be in your own bed without me…I just knew.”

“You knew because I had told you I loved you a million times by then.”

“And that’s your way; when you feel it, you say it, and you shout it from the rooftops, but for me
––
you know that isn’t me.”

“Yes, I know,” I teased him, reaching out to take hold of his hand.

“But I was there, and you opened your eyes and looked at me...” He trailed off and then slowly, gently, climbed onto the bed and lay down on top of me, pinning me under him.

“You love me,” I whispered into his hair, my hands siding down his back, fisting the worn grey T-shirt in my hand so I could yank it up and touch his skin.

“I want you inside me.”

But I was a smart man and knew that how he said it was only half of how he meant it. He was hiding again, but it was too late for that. “I’ll always be inside you, Tai; you never have to worry.”

He exhaled sharply, and I was suddenly clutched very tight.

“My family, my friends—when it’s time, think about it, Tai, it’ll be so nice. They’ll all come together, and that’ll be good.”

“‘Cause you’re the glue, Mark. Everyone loves you.”

It was nice of him to say, but there were more important things for us to talk about. “Do you know what the big moment in my life is?”

He shook his head.

“When I woke up from my nap and there you were, standing over me, and you said, ‘Oh.’“

He pinched my side, and I laughed because he felt so good—his weight, the heat from his body, and the feel of his sleek skin. I wanted to lie beneath him for the rest of the time I had left.

“And I looked at you,” I couldn’t stop laughing. “And you said ‘Holy shit, Mark, I think I love you.’”

“Fucker,” he growled, shifting over me so his groin slid over mine.

I arched up into him, and he moaned.

“I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, Mark Gabriel.”

“And it’s been the joy of my life to be loved so hard and so completely,” I said, trying to concentrate as he started to rub his hardening cock over mine, back and forth. I grabbed a handful of his hair to still him, and he froze there, staring down into my eyes. “We’re not gonna do this bullshit where I make you swear to live without me and all that crap. You know what you need, but whatever happens, wherever you end up, just know that you’re the first thing I think of when I wake up every morning and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. I love you, period.”

He collapsed on top of me, arms and legs wrapped so tight, lips open on my collarbone, sucking and licking.

“Sorry,” I chuckled, “way to kill a mood, huh?”

“Mark,” he gasped, lifting up, legs still tangled with mine as he rose up on his elbow to look down at my face. “I love you back.”

“I know,” I told him, with all the conviction I felt. “I do.”

“I’m so scared. I don’t think I’ll still be me without you.”

“Yes, you will,” I promised him.

“Do I belong to you?”

“Yes,” I said gruffly, his words making me breathless.

“Show me.”

And while I still could, I would.

I closed my eyes when his lips sealed over mine. His mouth devoured me, and his hands were rough as he tugged off my clothes, as if he was starving, ravenous, and I was everything he needed. He wanted me there, body and soul, to show him my love and make him feel it. 

“Get on your knees.”

That I could make demands caused instant trembling, and I knew that even though he wanted to be submissive to me, I had to be strong enough to demand it, to force him if I needed to. There was the promise of power in my tone, and his heave of breath told me that my voice alone, ordering and coaxing, could bring him to climax.