With This Heart (6 page)

He was still laying there when he offered, “We should take my grandfather’s car. It’s an old VW Camper, but he used it to surf so there’s no back seat. It’s just a flat surface— so we could sleep there if we didn’t want to stay in a hotel or camp.”

I was planning on taking my car, but his idea did sound pretty good. I didn’t want to be tied down to hotels or camp sites.

“
It’s big enough for two people?” I asked, not turning to face him. My face was bright red at the idea of sleeping in the back of a car with him.
Please don’t let him be a crazy person. Please
. I turned at the sound of his voice.

“
Oh, I just thought you’d be sleeping outside,” he answered with a perfectly straight face.

I gave him a pointed stare and then pretended like I was going to step on him beneath the sleeping bag.

He barked out a laugh and then rolled to a sitting position. “Yes, there’s enough room for two people. Try this bag out, I think it’s a good one.”

I did as he said. He held the top so I could slip my Keds through the opening. I had to hold my dress down so he wouldn’t get a peak at my polka dot underwear.

He’d been laying in it for hardly three minutes, but the sleeping bag already smelled like him; the remnants of his cologne clung to the fabric. I decided I would get it for that reason alone.

“
So do we have any destinations in mind?” he asked as we roamed through aisles, loading up on random items: water bottles, a lantern, and a mini camping kitchen set that stacked together nicely.

“
A few,” I answered, “but I’m also open to random stops. I just have to be in Odessa, Texas at some point.”

“
Sounds good. If I get to choose a stop, I want to go to Marfa.”

“
Marfa?” I asked, shuffling items between my arms as we headed to the register. He stepped in front of me, halting my forward momentum with his hands on my shoulders. His fingers gripped my skin, hitting the thin string of my spaghetti strap. I gulped and stared at his shirt like it was the most interesting thing in the world. That didn’t help because the cotton did a poor job of hiding his body beneath it.

The entire moment lasted less than a few seconds, but the feel of my stomach dropping and my heart speeding to keep up would forever remain with me.

“
It’s a small town way out in west Texas,” he answered, coaxing me back into the land of the living.

I nodded, trying to think if I had ever heard of it. “Is there a reason why you want to go there?”

“
It’s a secret,” he smirked as we moved to wait in line.

“
That’s where the cult is, isn’t it?”

It was his turn to give me a pointed stare.

I was positioned first in line at the checkout, but when it came time for me to pay, Beck cut in. “Oh, I’m a member here. Let me pay with my card so I get the points. You can just pay me back.”

It seemed reasonable, so I let him pay without thinking much of it, but as we walked out with our purchases, I flitted my eyes over to him. “I don’t have enough cash on me, but I can run to an ATM really quick.”

“
Nah,” he said, holding the door open for a woman entering behind us. “We’re even.”

I scoffed and shook my head. “Beck, that was really expensive and we aren’t even friends. I can’t accept this stuff.”

“
We’ll figure it out on the road trip— don’t worry. And yes, by the way, we are now officially friends, Abby Mae McAllister,” he declared, holding out his hand for me to shake.

I grabbed it with an amused smile. “Is this our secret handshake?” His warm skin pressed against mine and his pointer finger hit my wrist directly over my pulse.

“
Sometimes you just have to go back to basics,” he quipped before dropping my hand. He was already starting to back up in the opposite direction, but I stood my ground, shaking my head incredulously.

“
Tomorrow at eleven SHARP, we are leaving on a road trip of tremendous importance. I hope you’re ready!” he exclaimed as he continued to back away from me. No one on the street really paid him much attention, but I did.

I couldn’t look away.

…

That night was a complete cluster-fuck. My parents came over to cook me dinner and watch a movie. Every chance I got, I escaped to my room to pack what I could without them knowing. It was always part of the plan to hide the road trip from them because they would have nixed the idea immediately. But now that Beck was joining me, I had to keep it a mega-secret. I felt so shitty, lying to them like that, but I couldn’t turn back. I just prayed they would understand my reasoning after everything was said and done.

I was stuffing all my bathroom essentials into a travel bag when my mother knocked on the door. I jumped and spun around to hide the bag in case she was about to barge in.

“
Sweetie?” My mom’s voice called from the other side of the bathroom door.

“
Oh, I’ll be right out,” I answered with a shaky voice.

“
Okay, I just wanted to make sure you were feeling alright.” She sounded so sincere.

I sat down on the lid of the toilet and hid my head in my hands.
I’m a terrible person. I can’t do this to her
.

“
Yes, Mom, thanks. I’ll come help with dinner in one second.” I tried to smile so she would hear it in my voice. The second she walked away, I snuck into my room and into my closet so I could dial Caroline.

I didn’t think she would answer. It rang half a dozen times and then I finally heard a cough.

“
Sweet Caroline?” I asked hesitantly. Her cough sounded terrible and I wasn’t sure it would stop. Another few seconds passed and then finally I heard raspy breathing.

“
Hey Abby.”

“
Dude, you sound like you’ve got the black plague.” It was hard to act normal and tease her in that moment. Her sickness scared me, but I couldn’t turn into another person that walked on eggshells around her. She’d never forgive me.

“
I liked you better when you had that old crappy heart. You had less energy to devote to sarcasm.”

That was Caroline.

“
Yeah, maybe this new heart is super evil.”

“
Ew, that’s weird.”

“
I’m kidding, but hey, should I or should I not feel like a complete bitch for lying to my parents about this road trip?”

“
You cannot be having second thoughts. He bought you a freaking sleeping bag and stuff. That’s practically an engagement ring.”

I ignored her blatant hyperbole. “So they’ll understand why I went?”

“
Yes. You deserve to go, and they’ll understand later. Like when you’re fifty. I wouldn’t mention it until then.”

“
Okay, that’s what I needed to hear,” I paused, letting the guilt sink in about leaving Caroline.

“
Hey, I know you’ll yell at me about it, but it’s not too late for me to cancel the trip and stay. I really don’t want to leave you.” The more I talked about it, the more I felt like that was the right decision. I’d stay with Caroline and visit her in the hospital and do… I don’t know what
with the rest of my time. Get a job? Yeah. I needed a job. Just the thought brought back the sinking feeling in my stomach.

“
I cannot believe you’re even bringing that up again. Abby, I’ve told you a million times and now it’s just annoying. I
want
you to go. I
want
you to have crazy campfire sex with this guy.”

“
Ew, like on the fire? What the hell are you into, Caro?”

“
I’m serious, Abby. Please don’t stay for me. You’ll make me feel like crap.” It was that sentence that sealed my fate. I didn’t think Caroline was lying. I knew what it felt like to be a burden.

“
Okay,” I relented. “I’ve gotta go help my parents steam quinoa.”

“
That was the most boring sentence I’ve ever heard.”

Boring? Fine.

“
I bought condoms at the store today, did I tell you that?”

“
You’re dropping that bomb on me right before you hang up?!” she exclaimed, causing a whole new coughing fit.

“
Crap. Sorry, seriously heal up. I’ll update you if we do the deed or anything.”

She laughed wistfully. “Please do, I’m living vicariously through you.”

“
K. Love ya, C.”

“
Love ya, Abs.”

I changed ten times Friday morning, finally settling on a short pair of faded denim cut-offs and a fitted t-shirt with my standard white Keds. Anything else felt like I was trying too hard, which I was. I tugged my hair into a loose braid and looked at my reflection in the mirror. Sage green eyes, even skin tone, standard eyebrows and eyelashes. I’d never thought I needed makeup before, but I suddenly felt self-conscious. I pinched my cheeks like they always do in Jane Austen books and then laughed out loud because I was acting insane. Beck knew what I look like and he seemed to like it so far, right?

I made myself some organic egg whites with a side of banana and peanut butter. Then I painted my nails a bright pink color, hated it, and swapped it out for a bright red.

After all that, it was still only ten thirty in the morning.

Crap
.

I clicked on the TV and flipped through day-time shows, not really concentrating on any of it. My finger kept clicking aimlessly until I looked up and saw that it was five minutes to eleven. Yesterday we’d arranged for Beck to pick me up at my apartment, so when I heard a loud BEEP-BEEP a second later, my heart rate leapt. I hopped off the couch and straightened my shirt.

I had three bags filled with my essentials, plus my sleeping bag and a grocery bag full of healthy snacks. My trusty black urn sat beside the pile, taped on all sides so it wouldn’t spill open. That black urn was the most important thing I was taking on the trip. Well, other than my medications.
I grabbed my first bag and opened my front door to find Beck standing a few feet outside. I took in his messy brown hair, white t-shirt, and dark jeans. Why did a white t-shirt look so good on him? Maybe because it was fitted enough to show off his toned body without being obnoxiously tight? I wasn’t quite sure.

He didn’t say anything at first. His hazel eyes scanned down my body, lingering a moment longer on my bare legs, and then he looked back up at me with a wide, perfectly straight smile.

“
Is that all you’re bringing?” he asked, pointing at the smallest of my three bags.

“
Hah! Yeah right, I have like ten times more stuff.”

He shook his head and narrowed his eyes on me playfully. “I like a girl with baggage, Abby Mae. Keeps things interesting.”

His comment was too much; it stripped away my normal sarcastic responses. I was left with nothing but the bag in my hand, so I tossed it at him. He had to think fast and catch it before it fell to the ground at his feet.

“
Good. Help me load it up then,” I smirked, and then turned to collect the rest of my stuff.

“
Don’t forget to go to the bathroom! We aren’t stopping until we’re out of hell!” he called behind me.

“
You mean Dallas?” I asked over my shoulder.

“
Exactly!”

I was sitting in the passenger seat in Beck’s old, yellow VW Camper. It had been renovated recently, so the inside was all new leather, but it still had a lot of the classic details.

Our stuff fit easily in the back and he wasn’t kidding about there being space to sleep. We’d have to be really close, but there was definitely room.
My face reddened at the thought.

I wedged the urn between my feet so that it wouldn’t tip over, and then buckled my seat belt. When I looked up, Beck was watching me with a bemused smile. My hand instinctively slid over my side braid and my face. I didn’t feel anything out of the ordinary.

“
What?” I asked.

He shook his head, but his grin never faltered. “Nothing. Just trying to remember this moment.”

I furrowed my brows in wonder and tilted my head. The sun shone through the windshield of the Camper, highlighting the green details in his eyes. Beck wasn’t movie-star good-looking; he was boy-next-door good-looking— the kind of guy that might not know the full extent of his effect on the female population.

“
Why?” I asked.

“
Because our lives will never be the same.”

A small dimple formed on the corner of his mouth before he turned toward the steering wheel and pulled out of my apartment complex.

That dimple was the first thing I told myself to remember about the road trip.

Just as we turned onto the entrance for the highway, I peered over at Beck. “Just so you know, my faith in humanity is dangling by a few threads. If you murder me, I’ll pretty much lose all hope.”

I couldn’t keep the hint of a smile from my lips.

He nodded. “And if you murder me?”

I shrugged. “That would just be a good plot twist.”

We watched the Dallas landscape disappear behind us to the tune of Vampire Weekend. Beck thumbed the steering wheel to the beat of the song and I propped my feet up on the dashboard. It felt like the first day of summer, too good to be true. It was like the world might say “just kidding” and I’d wake up in my bed back home with nothing to look forward to except visiting Caroline.