With This Kiss (34 page)

“I love you.” Her mouth wobbled and fresh tears came.
“I love you so much, Sean. I always have. From the first moment I held you in my arms when you were a baby. When I watched you grow up from such an incredible child to a young man.”

She took a step toward him and he couldn’t contain his flinch.

Seeing it, she almost crumbled to the ground, catching herself on the side of a chair a split second before he leaped to her aid.

He might be angry with her, she might not have been a great mother to him, but he would never want anything to happen to her. He would never want to see her hurt.

“Sit down, Elizabeth.” He tucked a pillow behind her shoulders, made sure she was steady before he stepped away, putting much-needed distance between them.

“I remember the first time you called me by my name instead of Mom. You were in the hospital after the car crash and they told me you were awake. All night long I’d prayed for the chance to rewind time, to take back what I’d done, to make it so you wouldn’t see what you’d seen, but when I saw my baby lying there in the hospital with bandages over part of your face I knew none of those prayers were ever going to be answered. Your father was there. You called him Dad, just like you always had. And then you said my name instead of Mom. And I knew you would never forgive me.”

He hadn’t moved far enough away, because she reached out and grabbed his hands, holding them so tightly he couldn’t let go.

“I knew what I did was wrong. Every minute of every single day I’ve known it, but I was so scared. So scared of losing everything. But I lost everything anyway, didn’t
I? You. Your father’s love. And any self-respect I might have had.”

What did she think he was going to say to that? Did she think he was going to absolve her of everything just because Rebecca had confronted her?

Into his continued silence came, “I ruined your life, Sean. I’m so sorry.”

He hated the thought that she could have possibly had that much power over him. “You didn’t ruin my life.”

“I taught you about lies. I taught you about secrets. I’ve seen you with women over the years, the way you hold yourself back from them. The way you never let any of them touch your heart.” She paused, and he knew what was coming. “Until Rebecca.”

He couldn’t keep his fingers in her grip any longer. “If you want to talk, fine. We’ll talk. But keep Rebecca out of it.”

“She loves you.”

“What the hell do you know about love?” Years of repressed anger banged and bumped up against the walls he’d built to contain them.

It was the first time he’d ever spoken like that to her and she looked shocked, but then, instead of falling apart even more, she actually straightened up a bit in the chair.

“I can take it, whatever you’ve got to say to me,” she told him. “You must be so angry with me.”

“It all happened a long time ago.” Even though when he closed his eyes he could see the whole scene with his mother and Roy, the architect, in the compromising position like it was yesterday.

“I love you, honey.”

There it was again. Love. Coming at him from all
directions. From Rebecca. From his father. And now, from the most unexpected place of all. His mother.

“Please, Sean,” she begged. “I’d rather you yell and scream at me than continue to look right through me.”

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to. I’m not the one you should be coming clean with.”

He left her sitting on the chair… alone. Just the way he’d been since he was a teenager.

Just the way he was going to be again once he undid the mistake he’d made with Rebecca.

The mistake of thinking he could let himself trust her.

And love her.

Rebecca hadn’t moved from her spot by the maple tree on the farthest corner of the forest. She was glad she was wearing a bright red jacket over her sweater and jeans. She wanted it to be easy for Sean to find her. Not because she wanted to get their break up over with faster (that wouldn’t make it hurt any less, she wasn’t nearly stupid enough to believe that), but because she knew how much he must be reeling right now.

Easier. She just wanted to make life a little bit easier for him. Now. In the future. And then one day, maybe he’d wake up and realize that he missed her.

Or maybe he wouldn’t.

She watched him as he approached her, her heart breaking even further apart with every step he took closer, his expression proving, without a doubt, that she was right.

Not that she’d ever doubted it for a second. But maybe, just maybe, there’d been a little bit of hope that magic would strike and turn her dreams into reality.

Unfortunately, since that wasn’t going to happen, she now had less than thirty seconds before everything ended. Half a minute to try and pull herself together. And even though she needed more like thirty years to accept that Sean was already gone, she’d use every last store of strength she had for what was coming.

The last thing Sean needed was one more woman crying. One more woman begging for his forgiveness.

Besides, she wouldn’t let herself be sorry about giving her heart for his.

And then, there he was, close enough that she could reach out and touch him. Close enough that he could pull her into him and kiss her. Close enough that he could tell her everything was going to be okay.

Instead, he just stared at her like he didn’t believe what he was looking at. She hated the pain she saw, the way his eyes were full of not only the memories that he’d pushed away for so long, but also the way she could tell he was berating himself for ever trusting her in the first place.

“You promised to keep what I told you between us.”

She wished he could see into her heart to understand why she’d done it. But he couldn’t. And she understood why.

“I know I did.” She paused, made herself say, “I made that promise to you because I thought I could keep it.” A tear fell before she could fight it back. “But I couldn’t.”

“You’re the first woman I’ve trusted since I was kid.”

“I know that, too… but I love you too much to have kept that promise.”

Her words were soft, but they didn’t waver. Regardless of all she’d lost as a result, hopefully the person she loved most in the world would only benefit from here on
out. Hopefully Sean would find a way to patch things up with his mother and finally let all that love he was holding inside out.

“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have said anything to her.”

But that’s where he was wrong and she knew she’d already lost so much that there was no point in stopping herself from telling him. “That promise you made to her has hurt you from the first moment you made it. I held Stu’s secret for only a little while, and even that was too much. It was too long. And it took something out of me that I shouldn’t have had to give up. Just like your mother shouldn’t have ever asked you to give up a piece of your soul for her mistake.”

“You should have respected my wishes. Period. It doesn’t matter what your reason is.”

She knew what he was doing, that all he wanted was for her to stop loving him, that he wanted to finish putting up all those walls she’d thought were coming down, and walk away.

And even though she knew it was the last thing he wanted her to do, she reached out, took his hand, and held it. She couldn’t stop her eyes from closing at the pleasure of feeling his warmth, of knowing his touch this one last time. Every second with Sean had been precious. She would never regret a single one, regardless of the way it was ending.

“Sometimes loving someone enough means breaking a promise that will only hurt them if it’s kept.” She steeled herself to reopen her eyes, to hold his gaze, to keep the tears back. “You’re more important than any promise I could ever give you.”

Where there had once been warmth and love in his eyes just hours ago, there was nothing. Not even anger.

She finally let go of his hand. But she had to say it one more time, while he was still standing with her.

“Whatever you think, Sean, I love you. I think I loved you from that first moment I saw you at Andi and Nate’s wedding.” She made a sound that could have been a laugh, but not now. That was impossible now. “I was crying then, wasn’t I?” She wiped them away. “At least I make consistent first and last impressions, don’t I?”

She knew she was back to that babbling open book she’d always been, and she hated it. Hated that she’d never been able to hold back with Sean. That she couldn’t do it now even if it was the difference between saving what little strength she had left to move forward.

She took a step away, had to let the cold penetrate not just her coat but her flesh, her bones.

Her heart.

“I won’t make you choose. This is your home. You should be able to find someone to run the inn in a couple of weeks.” She looked over his shoulder at someone struggling with their syrup tapper. “I think someone needs help with a machine. I’ll have a report for you on the festival attendance by the end of business tomorrow.”

And then she forced herself to move past him, to squash the part of her praying he’d call her name out, come after her, and tell her not to go.

She knew that was never going to happen.

And it didn’t.

R
ebecca had wanted to run, to flee, to hide. She’d been tempted—so very tempted—to leave the festival grounds and lock herself in her bedroom to curl up on her bed and cry for all she’d just lost.

Instead, she’d forced herself to stay. To follow through on what she’d set out to do.

Working on saving the festival had helped bring her and Sean together. Now, even though her actions had ripped them apart, she had to see her vision through… and hope that keeping her focus on the festival would help to save her, that being busy taking care of a million and one details today and tonight would help her get through to tomorrow in one piece.

Even without Sean’s love.

She was standing a hundred yards from the bustling activity, working to open a cardboard box of empty maple syrup containers when she heard, “Rebecca!”

Her entire body tensed at the voice she’d been longing to hear for weeks. How was it, she thought at she turned to face Stu, that he’d managed to not only come back in just
as an abrupt way as he’d left, but that his timing couldn’t be worse?

“It’s so good to see you, Rebecca.”

He looked like he was going to open his arms to her for a hug, but something in the way she was looking at him—doing a quick scan, head to toe, of the man who had been her best friend for so long to make sure that he was okay—had him laying his arms back down by his side.

“I’m sorry for leaving like that.”

An hour ago, perhaps, she would have simply accepted his apology. She would have told him not to worry about it, that he’d had to do what was right for him.

But this was one apology too many from the Murphy family.

“You should be sorry. You left me here to deal with everything. To run the inn by myself.” She gestured to the crowd of happy people with a jerk of her arm. “To get this festival off the ground.”

“You’re my best friend, Rebecca. I shouldn’t have treated you like that but”—he gestured to the festival, the inn—“everything looks like it’s going so great. You pulled the festival off beautifully, Rebecca. Just like I knew you would.”

Maybe another time she could have appreciated his compliment, the faith he’d always had in her. But right now, she was being hit by a second burst of anger.

First mother, then son. Her whole life, she’d held herself apart from anger, tried to convince herself that she didn’t ever feel it.

God, what a liar she’d been. And those lies had allowed the anger to eat up her heart, one piece at a time. Only
Sean had been able to sew it back together, to get it beating strong again.

“Do you really think that’s all you left me with, Stu? Just the festival? Just the inn?”

She could see his surprise at her harshly asked questions. She’d never spoken to him like this, had never really let loose on her true feelings with anyone until Sean. With him, she simply hadn’t been able to hold back the love she’d felt.

Rebecca suddenly realized how closely linked love and anger were. And that giving way to one meant letting the other in, too.

“You left me to deal with telling everyone the wedding was off,” she began. “I thought you were going to be there beside me, that we were going to tell everyone together.”

She could see the flush even beneath his tanned skin. “You’re right. I was a coward. I wasn’t thinking about anyone but myself.”

She waved her hand in the air. “But dealing with people whispering, wondering about me wasn’t the worst. Even the way your mother looked at me, talked to me like I’d driven her baby away wasn’t the worst.” She paused, tried to gulp in air as a swift hit of pain nailed her in the chest. “Your brother came home, Stu. He didn’t get your letter. He didn’t know that the wedding had been canceled.”

“Oh shit.” Stu grimaced. “I told him it was my fault, that he shouldn’t take it out on you, but if he didn’t get the letter…”