With Wings I Soar (8 page)

Tabitha left Ryan's house feeling lighter than she had in months. Being liked by a boy was an amazing feeling. She felt beautiful and special and strong. She felt unique. She felt adored. Tabitha didn't walk home from Ryan's house: she floated. She knew that she would be in trouble when she got home, of course, because Uncle Nick would have undoubtedly realized she had left the house without asking permission. If he told Mom, Tabitha knew she would be grounded for a week. She didn't even care. Being with Ryan was worth getting in a little bit of trouble.

Mom's car was outside when Tabitha walked up the front stairs. She knew there was no point in trying to sneak in the back of the house. She wouldn't be fooling anyone.

“Welcome back,” Mom said nonchalantly as Tabitha entered the house. “How was your walk?”

“My walk?” Tabitha queried, giving Mom a questioning glance.

“Nick said you went on a little walk to clear your head.”

“Oh, yeah,” Tabitha looked over and saw Uncle Nick. He said nothing but gave her a curt nod. It was his way of letting her know he understood that she needed some time alone to be angry and to process her thoughts.

“Yeah,” Tabitha said, turning back to Mom. “It was relaxing. I just explored a little bit is all. Walked around the neighborhood and stared at nature to stop thinking about everything, you know? It was fun.”

“I'm glad you had a good time. We need to get going, though, the mall will be closing in a few hours so we don't have much time to pick up your new clothes.”

Tabitha rolled her eyes and hoped Mom wouldn't see. She wished Mom would just forget about this whole “looking nice” thing and let Tabitha wear a normal dress to the hearing next week. Tabitha knew that nobody would care how she looked, but she suspected Mom wanted to prove she was financially capable of providing Tabitha with nice clothing.

“Yeah, okay, Mom.” She turned to her uncle, who was still standing nearby. “You coming, too, Nick?”

The man smiled brightly and nodded dramatically. “Wouldn't miss it for the world.”

As the group walked outside to the car, Mom suddenly stopped and turned to go back to the house.

“Oops!” She called back. “Forgot my purse! Be right there.”

Tabitha and Uncle Nick continued to the car and, once they were safely inside, Tabitha turned to Nick.

“Why'd you cover for me like that?” She asked.

“I just know it's hard to be a kid sometimes,” he said simply. “Sometimes you need a break even from the best of parents. I'm not gonna lie to you, Tabs, you've got a good Mom. She cares about you more than you could ever understand or imagine and she really wants the best for you, but I know that sometimes she can be a little overbearing. Let's face it, kid: you've been through a lot recently, and it's normal to feel overwhelmed and ready to call it quits. I just figured you needed some time to think without anyone bugging you or judging you or pressuring you to feel anything than what you feel.”

Before Tabitha could reply, Mom entered the car and slammed her door shut.

“Brrr,” she shivered, rubbing her shoulders emphatically. “It's brisk out there.”

“Rhonda,” Uncle Nick gave her a playful shove. “'Brisk' is for summer nights. It's like eight degrees outside. That's a little more terrible than 'brisk.'”

“Oh, whatever. Everybody strapped in?”

When Mom was satisfied that her passengers were safe, she started the car and pulled out onto the road. Mom and Nick chatted easily during the drive, but Tabitha was quiet as she thought about what Nick had said. He was right, really. Tabitha knew that. She knew in her head that Mom was a good parent and really cared about her. She also knew that Dad was a good parent, too. She wasn't so sure that he cared about her as much as she hoped he did, but she knew that he was a good man most of the time.

Tabitha did wonder why Dad hadn't called her since the last time they had spoken. It had been days since the incident in the office and the receiving of the bird necklace, but he hadn't sent her text messages or called since that night. Tabitha felt strange about this and wondered if Mom had been the more truthful parent all along. Maybe Dad was flakier than Tabitha knew or understood. Maybe he didn't really want her to be with him as much as she thought he did.

As Mom pulled into the mall parking lot and began searching for a parking spot, a new thought popped into Tabitha's head: what if Dad only wanted custody as a way to “win” the divorce? Did he want Tabitha as a sort of consolation prize, or did he really think living with her in Texas would be the best choice for her? Devastated at this idea, Tabitha pulled her limp body from the car and forced herself to walk inside with Mom and Nick. As they entered the first store, Mom and Nick chattered wildly, and Tabitha knew she was going to be in for a long night.

Tabitha allowed herself to be dressed up and redressed for what felt like hours, but was probably only about 45 minutes. Mom and Uncle Nick both had very distinct fashion tastes that didn't always agree with one another. There were several outfits that Mom liked but that Nick thought were inappropriate or “hideous.” Likewise, there were a few dresses that Nick found to be stylish and stunning, but Mom thought were “weird.”

As Tabitha entered dressing room after dressing room, the only thought that kept her sane was remembering Ryan's gentle touch. A shiver rushed through Tabitha's body as she imagined kissing him again. She didn't know if this afternoon made them a couple or if it was just a special moment between good friends; she just knew that nothing could take away her passion for today. Nothing could rob her of this experience and this moment and this absolute enjoyment. Tabitha ravished the memory until she found it difficult to keep dressing. Finally, she emerged from the fitting room one last time and both Mom and Nick were speechless.

“You look amazing,” Nick said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Oh, Sugar, it's just perfect.” Mom agreed.

“Good,” Tabitha glanced down at herself. The white blouse was itchy and the black skirt was too tight, and Tabitha thought that the matching blazer made her look about a million years old.                “Can we leave now?” she inquired hastily, eager to leave and just get home to relax.

“Not just yet. We need to buy shoes first. Go change back so we can pay for the clothes.”

Tabitha sighed and retreated to the dressing room again and graciously put her own clothes back on. She hung the dress suit carefully on a set of hangers and obediently followed Mom and Nick to several shoe stores before the outfit was, in Mom's words, “perfectly complete.”

The ride home from the mall was lengthy because there was a car wreck blocking a major intersection. Traffic was completely halted on the main road and most of the side streets were jam-packed, as well. Mom finally found a side road that seemed relatively deserted and pulled down it hastily. As the small car drove through the quiet suburban neighborhood, Tabitha stared out the window and watched the houses pass slowly by. She paid particular attention to one house that had a purple door.
How lovely,
she thought, admiring for a brief moment the uniqueness of that house.

“Hey, look there!” Uncle Nick pointed out his window. They had left the neighborhood and were now in a small shopping area. Nick was pointing at a small diner.

              “Let's stop and get some milkshakes,” he grinned.

              “Oh, I'm starving,” Mom agreed. “I could go for a burger and fries. How about you, Tabitha?”

              Tabitha nodded halfheartedly in agreement but said nothing. She glanced at her phone but had not received any messages from Ryan or Katie. Tabitha felt like the night would never end. She was emotionally exhausted from her new experience but also physically tired from the process of trying on clothes over and over. Tabitha didn't understand how some girls could go shopping for fun since to her it seemed like a hassle. Tabitha had very simple tastes that permitted her to shop infrequently. Most of her shirts could go with either jeans or a skirt, so she dressed simply and for comfort, rather than to turn heads.

              The wind hit Tabitha hard in the face as she opened the car door. She lost her breath momentarily as she adjusted to the newly blowing wind and hastily followed Mom and Nick inside the warm diner. It was a relief to settle into a comfortable booth and shed her heavy jacket and bothersome scarf. Nick and Mom opened up their menus to see what their dining options were, but Tabitha didn't bother. When their waitress approached in a poodle skirt and pony tail, Tabitha ordered a glass of water and a cheeseburger with fries.

              “We'll need a few minutes,” Mom told the waitress and motioned to both herself and Nick. The waitress nodded and disappeared with Tabitha's order.

              Tabitha stared outside. She knew she was being antisocial but she didn't care much anymore. Nobody really understood her and, she felt, nobody really cared. It didn't seem
kind
that Mom had forced her to spend a night running dumb errands. Realistically, Mom knew Tabitha's dress size and could have easily picked up an outfit without Tabitha being present. Tabitha figured the shopping trip was just a way for them to spend time together with her uncle, but she still resented being there.

              Nick and Mom chattered about a new movie that was playing at a nearby theater but Tabitha's mind and heart were a million miles away. She leaned her head against the glass window of the diner and stared outside as she wondered what Ryan was doing. Maybe he was helping his Mom make dinner, or maybe he was playing with little Dylan. Tabitha smiled as Katie crossed her mind, but Tabitha knew full well that on a Saturday night Katie would be inside with Kenny reviewing flash cards or reading a textbook. There was little variation in Katie's routine and since her father's dead, Katie had doubled her study time.

              The waitress returned and brought Tabitha's food and drink. Mom and Nick ordered and Tabitha bit hungrily into her burger. She hadn't felt hungry when they had decided to stop and eat, but now she felt famished. She devoured the burger quickly but said nothing, and neither Nick nor Mom attempted to include Tabitha in their conversation about the best places to travel abroad.

              When everyone had finished eating and the tab had been paid, the group piled back into the car one last time.

              “You barely said a word at dinner. Are you feeling okay, Tabitha?” Mom asked, glancing in the rear view mirror at her daughter.

              “I'm fine.”

              “Tabitha, is something wrong?”             

              “No, Mom.”

              “You haven't seemed like yourself lately. The entire time you were trying on clothes you just seemed bored.”

              “I
was
bored.”

              “Tabitha, what is wrong with your attitude? You've been in a foul mood for weeks.”

              Tabitha said nothing and Mom stopped pressing her. Nick remained silent the rest of the drive. When Mom pulled into the driveway of their home, Tabitha hurried out of the car and ran up to her bedroom. She closed the door and, without undressing, climbed into bed and pulled her blankets up to her chin. She didn't cry or sob or shout or scream. She just rested her body and tried to shut her mind down. Endless thoughts swam through her brain, begging for her attention and demanding that she fix the problems they presented.

              Tabitha squeezed her eyes shut and thought about Katie. She squeezed her eyes tighter and thought about Ryan. A third squeeze brought Dad to her mind and Tabitha began to tear up. She didn't want to have to move away. She wanted Dad to stay here and be with her all of the time like he used to be. She was tired of begging the universe for justness and fairness. Tabitha knew now that there was no such thing as “fair” and there probably never would be. She felt scared about meeting the lawyers and the judge next week and she felt even more scared at the outcome of the divorce. Tabitha knew her life was about to change one more time, but she didn't know yet if it would be for better or for worse.

Tabitha woke early to the sound of her phone ringing. She groggily rolled over and rubbed her eyes for a moment before glancing at the caller ID of her phone: it was Katie.

“Hello? Are you okay?”

“Hey! Wanna come over and study?”

“Katie, it's like six in the morning.”

“It'll be worth your while,” Katie promised. “I have study snacks.”

Tabitha was sold when she heard the word “snacks.” Katie always had the very best snacks and Tabitha wasn't going to miss out. Maybe Mrs. Miller had even baked cookies or some other treat. Tabitha's stomach growled as she gathered her schoolbooks and papers. She sleepily rubbed her eyes as she tossed a few pencils into her backpack and, at the last minute, also grabbed her journal.

              Tabitha had neglected her writing for a few days and was beginning to crave journal time. While thinking in your mind was a great thing, Tabitha found the process of physically writing down her feelings, thoughts, and perceptions to be both therapeutic and useful. If she was dealing with a situation she had already experienced, she could glance through her journal and find a reminder that she could get through the situation. Journaling was also just a simple way for Tabitha to keep track of important things: birthdays, gift ideas, phone numbers, and interesting facts.             

Tabitha rushed downstairs and, knowing Mom was still asleep, jotted a short note to let her know where she'd gone. Hopefully Mom would be understanding about Tabitha's desire to spend time with her friend. Although Tabitha hadn't said much to Katie, she was so worried about the possibility of moving that she wanted to have as much fun before she left as she possibly could.

Tabitha knocked loudly on Katie's door a few times before Katie trotted downstairs. She opened the door and gave Tabitha a little wave.

“Morning,” she smiled at her friend.

“Same to you.” Tabitha entered the room, still feeling a bit sleepy. She saw that Katie was still wearing her pink and blue striped pajamas. Tabitha was wearing her pajamas, too, but hers had pink and green stripes. The two girls had picked out semi-matching pajamas for a sleepover they held last summer.

“Nice P.J.s,” Tabitha motioned toward Katie's clothing.

“Ha! Same to you! Come on in and let's start eating.”

The girls entered the kitchen. A large fruit and cheese platter sat on the counter begging to be eaten. A platter of eggs and a plate of bacon also adorned the counter top and Tabitha thought she smelled the scent of fresh muffins wafting through the air.

“Wow, Katie, what's the occasion?”

Katie smiled. “I get to stay!”

“What?”

“Ever since my Dad died my mom has been talking about moving again. I mean, it's not like we've even lived here that long but she wanted to move back to be closer to her family and stuff. But she decided that since I've been through enough 'trauma' this year, we get to live here until I graduate! Isn't that awesome? She told me late last night and I've been so excited that I just couldn't sleep. I called you because I just couldn't stand not telling you anymore!”

Katie jumped up and down, clapping her hands. She reminded Tabitha of a little girl getting a bicycle on her birthday, or, in Katie's case, a chemistry set. Katie's face was positively glowing; it was the happiest that Tabitha had ever seen her. The two girls hugged tightly and laughed and squealed.

“Oh Katie, dang, that's so great!”

“I know, right? It's awesome. We get to finish school together! And then we can even go to college together. You know, as long as you want to go where I want to go.”

Tabitha laughed. Katie had very strong opinions on going to college and Tabitha knew that whatever school Katie decided on would be a top-notch college. Katie felt that every woman should pursue a thorough education, even if she didn't plan on working after school.

“Being a homemaker is no reason not to be educated,” she told Tabitha frequently. Tabitha often dreamed of becoming a writer, but she also liked the idea of being a stay at home mother and raising a family. She used to talk about the future all the time with Katie, but lately Tabitha found that she didn't think much past the next few days. Even getting through the school day was wearisome and exhausting. College was a burden she didn't want to even
think
about until next year.

Tabitha wondered briefly if she should tell Katie about Dad's plan to make her move to Texas, but she didn't want to ruin Katie's buzz. Katie had been so sad for so long that it seemed cruel to say anything that might ruin her happiness.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Eat!”

The two girls sat on the matching bar stools that lined the counter. The stools swiveled around and Tabitha found it difficult to eat without playing with her chair. She kept her head and torso straight but kept swiveling the rest of her body from side to side. Finally, Katie grew tired of this game and gave Tabitha a gentle kick.

“Calm down!” She laughed. “Eat some eggs.”

Tabitha ate and ate and ate. She ate until her stretchy pajama pants began to feel tight and her stomach hurt.

“Ooooh,” she groaned, clutching her stomach. “That last strip of bacon was a bad idea.”

Katie laughed. “You should go lay on the couch,” she advised. “I'll clean up the kitchen and start the dishes.”

Obediently, Tabitha marched into the living room and fell lazily onto the couch. She sprawled out, taking up every couch cushion and allowing herself to sink into the soft sofa. Katie's dad had bought this couch the last time he came home for a visit, and everyone loved it. The family's previous couch had been falling apart but Katie's mom, always good at budgeting and making money stretch, didn't want to spend the money for a new one. Captain Miller had surprised everyone by purchasing such a nice luxury couch during his short reprieve and even now, months later, the couch still felt brand new.

Katie entered the living room and set two glasses of milk on the coffee table in front of Tabitha.

“Drink up! It'll make you strong.”

Tabitha sat up to sip her drink while Katie ran upstairs to grab her books. Tabitha knew they would probably be working for several hours. While the girls were only studying a few of the same subjects, they were both comfortable spending time together while working on individual projects. Tabitha felt it was nice to have someone around when she studied because it helped her stay focused. When she studied on her own, it was easy to get distracted and turn on the TV or pick up a random book to browse through.

Katie was a great person to seek study advice and tips from because she often spent time reading about new and effective ways to study. Katie had flash cards for every subject she had ever studied and reviewed her cards regularly. Sometimes she even went over flashcards from classes that she had already finished as a way to stay fresh and up to date on the subject. While Tabitha felt it was a little extreme and uptight, Katie did have some of the best scores at the school.

Katie returned quickly and tossed her books and notebook on the floor. She sprawled out on her stomach and opened up a notebook while Tabitha did the same on the couch. Quietly, the girls reviewed their notes from class and markings they had made noting important passages in their textbooks. Despite the tasty breakfast, Tabitha found it difficult to focus on studying. While grateful for Katie's company, Tabitha had so many thoughts bouncing around her head that she just couldn't sort them. Finally, she decided to give up on chemistry for awhile and instead pour her thoughts and emotions into her journal in an attempt to rid herself of the burden she carried.

Tabitha grabbed a pen from her bag and began to write.

             
Journal, I feel like it's been forever since I had a chance to just write. Everything I do now is decided ahead of time. Apparently, even what I'll wear is no longer my decision. Mom picked out these clothes for me to wear to the custody hearing and I'm going to look like an uptight snob. I guess that's the goal, but it sucks. I'd rather just wear a skirt and a hooded sweatshirt and my sneakers. But “being true to yourself” is only real in the movies, I guess. In real life, the only thing people care about is professionalism and...well, I don't even know. I don't even really care, really.

I can't stop thinking about Ryan and everything that happened yesterday. I feel like a grown up woman now and nobody even knows or noticed or cares and I don't know if I should actually tell anyone. I want to tell Katie, sort of, but I don't want to flaunt that I have a boyfriend. Really, I just want to see Ryan again soon. I want to kiss some more and hold hands and watch movies. It might not be the romantic whirlwind romance I wanted or hoped for but it feels pretty good and really right. My first kiss was nothing that I expected and everything that I hoped for. It was amazing, rea-

Before Tabitha could finish her last sentence, Katie squealed.

“What!? You kissed
RYAN!?”

Tabitha turned around to see Katie staring excitedly over her shoulder. Tabitha had been so focused that she hadn't even noticed her friend's nosiness and watchful eyes. With a blush, Tabitha nodded quickly.

“Well, what was it
like?
” Katie sat down on the couch next to Tabitha and scooted close. “Tell me everything.”

“It was...not really what I expected. It was kind of wet and sloppy, but I think I got a little better at it by the end.”

“By the end? How long did you kiss for?”

“A few minutes,” Tabitha confessed.

Katie laughed. “Nice. You go get 'em, Tiger!”

“Real funny,” Tabitha picked up a nearby throw pillow and tossed it lightheartedly at Katie.

“Seriously, though, Tab, he sounds really special. I'm glad you're happy and you've found someone special to make you smile. It's good to get your mind off things, especially when it feels like everything's gone to hell.”             

“Yeah, it definitely does feel that way...a lot. I just, I thought things would start to get easier, but they haven't. They've just gotten harder and more complicated.”

“Tell me about it.”

Tabitha opened her mouth momentarily and was about to tell Katie about the custody hearing, but quickly changed her mind. She didn't want to worry Katie unnecessarily. After all, didn't mothers usually get full custody of their children? It seemed rare and unusual for a dad to get the child, but Tabitha knew that their circumstances weren't really what mattered. All that really mattered was which lawyer could make a more compelling case for who the “better parent” would be.

When Tabitha returned home after a morning of relaxation, chatting, eating, and journaling, she stopped in front of her house for a few moments and stared at the shrubbery and the bushes and the dead blades of grass peeking out beneath patches of snow. This house had been her home for as long as she could remember. She had never known anything else but this home, this family, and this town. Tabitha felt that moving would be robbing her of the rest of her childhood, which she didn't feel was quite complete. Her kiss had signified the end of an era of innocence, but Tabitha was still very youthful in many ways. She knew this, and it didn't scare her. Tabitha knew she would grow up in due time, but she wondered what would happen if that growing up happened before it was really supposed to.

Kathy's words floated back to Tabitha again as they had so many times before, and she thought about Kathy's contemplations on motherhood: “A parent does what's best for their child.” Tabitha wondered if this was true all of the time. She knew her parents certainly hoped to do what was best for her, but it seemed unfair for the millionth time that she was the child of divorce.

Tabitha watched new drops of snow begin to flicker down and land on her house. The wind blew and she shivered slightly. Her nose began to feel cold, and Tabitha wished she had worn a scarf. The neighbor's cat ran through the yard, hopping on the piles of snow and leaving small kitty footprints behind. A bird flew overhead and gazed down at the earth below.

Waves of loneliness washed over Tabitha, but she had grown so used to the feeling that it no longer phased her. She could speak to neither Mom nor Dad without them growing defensive or argumentative. Uncle Nick was always on Mom's side, and Katie wouldn't understand being abandoned in her hour of need. Even Ryan – wonderful, sweet Ryan – had the perfect life. Nobody knew what it was like to be left. Tabitha felt awkward because her physical needs had been well met. She still had a safe place to live and food to eat. She had clothes to wear and school supplies and a beautiful bird necklace from Dad. But Tabitha thought, as she walked toward the front door, that she would live like a peasant in the midst of the Black Plague if only her parents loved each other once again.