Without Scars (23 page)

“Right. You are a fighter. And what else…”

“I’m pretty funny.
You
laugh at all my jokes, at least. Probably because you want me to keep doing reverse cowgirl and also giving you blow jobs.”

He laughed. “See? When I’m in a bad mood, I think about that picture you took of us on the day we met. You said I’d have a wanted poster that looked like I was sneezing. It always cheers me up. You’re very funny, Nik. And genuine and thoughtful and smart and sweet. Every day you inspire me. You’re really fucking beautiful, too. There’s not a day I don’t look at you and think, ‘Wow, that’s
my
girl.’ It drives me insane when you say
guesstimate,
though
…
and you pack the dishwasher
really
weird…and the bathroom’s acoustics don’t make your singing any better like you swear they do. But all of this is who you are, and I love you for it.
All of you.
Even the stuff I know right now you think is unlovable. Loving you won’t fix what you want to fix, but I’m going to love you, anyway.” He kissed my forehead. “
You
don’t get to disappear on me, either, Nicole.” He put my hands on his chest. “But I’m glad you found your way
home
.”

There was so much to say, but I was too drained to do more than just walk to my room. Charlie was still standing there when I looked back. He smiled. “You should know I would never cast you as a dancer with a past. I would always let you be whoever you wanted to be,” he said. He shrugged. A ripple shook my chest. In two, maybe three, steps I was in his arms, pressing my head to his chest.

Surrounded by just heartbeats and warmth and breaths.

No floor under my feet.

****

Now that I was awake I was ready to start wallowing in the memory of last night. When I flipped over, Charlie, who was sitting against the headboard, brushed my hair off my face. Then he kissed my nose. I couldn’t help smiling.
Fine
, I wouldn’t
wallow
. Today I was going to enjoy being loved by this guy. Enjoy him not seeing me as dangerous. Enjoy being all those things we both saw in me, instead. When you were standing in the ashes of every single thing you had burned to the ground, and there was someone who looked at all of it and only saw a place to rebuild, you just had to accept that he was in it for the long haul. I used to dream of love like this. I had it now.

I needed to own it.

“Hey, pretty. Did I wake you?” Charlie’s eyes gleamed with liveliness. He was watching dailies for
Confessions
on his iPad. I could hear Jessica’s voice, the woman who was playing Tara. Ignoring my suspicions, I chose to tell myself he’d slept. This was him on coffee. It was just coffee.

“Why does it smell like Pine Sol?”

Charlie eased down next to me. “Your brother decided to clean your apartment to thank you for yesterday.”

“What?” Yeah, right. He caught me before I sat up and hugged my head to his chest. “Of his own volition?” He laughed. It was so evil my few sympathies for Tyler waned. I reveled in a revenge fantasy. I hoped my drain was clogged with hair and that soap scum was all over the walls in the bathroom. Too bad that wasn’t the case, because
eww
. “As long as he’s alive…”

“Hungover. Just a step below alive, actually.”

“And you made him clean, anyway…” I chuckled.

“Yup.” He moved his mouth closer to mine.

“I haven’t brushed!” I said, dodging his lips.

“I haven’t either. We’re gonna create a supergerm in our mouths and start a virus apocalypse. All in the name of love.”

“You’re disgusting.” But I let him kiss me, anyway.

“Look,” he said, caressing the side of my face, “you signed up for this. You signed up for me loving you a little like a crazy person. And last night I told you I was going to be a fucking problem for him, did I not?”

“You did.” Speaking of last night. “You know, I wanted to say more, like thank you…” I trailed off when Charlie nuzzled my neck. Then he gave me
that
stare. You know the one. Samira told us about it. Charlie had mastered it. His gaze hooked right through my heart.

“Nik, your demons are safe here. Right
here
between you and me. This space will never be too small to hold them. I said bad days, too. I promised you, and I always will. You gotta walk through hell? You better hold my hand the whole way.”

I exhaled sharply. I was in momentary free fall.

And I’d never felt safer.

“I still had more to say, but I’m glad I didn’t get a chance to. It would’ve been rambling and incoherent. But with a clearer head I only want to say that I’m so in love with you, Charlie Dara. Pathetically. Irrevocably. Ridiculously. Infinitely.”

“Say it again.”

“Pathetically. Irrevocably. Ridiculously. Infinitely.” And he smiled. Charlie smiled so big my breath caught. He loved that I was in love with him, and that meant the world to me. “I am so lucky to have you love me back. It’s not something I ever want to be quiet about or even just whisper to you. It deserves a shout and—”

“Maybe a parade, too? I’ve always liked those.”

“
All
the parades…” We were kissing again, and his fingers tapped up my ribcage. Under my tank top. Over my nipple. I reached into his sweats, clutching his dick tight. Charlie shifted to position himself between my legs, balancing on his hands, head bowed, watching me jerk him. I considered letting it go further, so we could fuck the way we always did. To purposefully scar my brother for life. But I suppose we’d been down that road already. “We shouldn’t…” I said, disappointed in my self-control.

He collapsed back to the mattress. “You want to just lie here a little bit?”

I nodded. “What happened to me last night, you don’t want it, Charlie. You don’t want to risk it. And even with everything I said just now, I don’t think in the long run it’s going to work for me, if someone who knows what I was doing to myself doesn’t take it seriously.” Ultimatums were an incredibly risky move, but I’d found enlightenment (and
courage
, remember?).

“Yeah. I know. I’m done, anyway.”

“You’re done? It’s that easy? With that whole bot—”

“Like I said, I’m done. Babe, don’t start an argument.”

“
I’m not
. But Charlie…if there’s something going on with you, you know you can talk to me, right?” I sat up.

He kissed my outer thigh. When he sat up, too, he planted his lips on my cheek. “
I’m. Done
.” More kisses to shut me up, but I made myself be okay with the silence.

“Can I go verify my brother’s well-being on my own?” After I put on a pair of lounge pants, I went to the living room. Ty was vacuuming, lumbering around near-death. Very close to being a shoe-in for a role on
The Walking Dead.
He was wearing some of Charlie’s clothes…because my boyfriend was a sweetheart.

Tyler’s words from last night slammed into me when we made eye contact.
I fucking hate you. We all do.
The replay hurt a lot this time. I didn’t think human beings were really capable of hate, in spite of what my brother had said, but right in this moment, a grotesque, perverse feeling exploded inside me, and I realized it was possible to get pretty damn close. Strangely, I guess I understood his mindset more than I liked. It didn’t make me feel any better. He gave me an apprehensive smile. I couldn’t pretend it mattered. He suddenly straightened his posture and his skin went completely white.

Charlie.

He walked by me and went right up to Tyler. My brother was thin and athletic; Charlie was bulkier and towered over him. Drunk Tyler might’ve thought it was a fair fight, but sober(ish), there was only fright in his eyes. He was docile today. “See how you fucked up last night? You can blame her for it, but that was on
you.
Guess you’re not perfect, either,” Charlie said. Tyler flinched when Charlie took a tiny step toward him. “Oh…you had beer muscles last night, though.”

“Charlie…” I said as a warning.

He looked at me. “No, Nik. All that shit he said to you wasn’t cool. Even if he meant every word. He needs to understand that it hurt your feelings. Expressing how you feel is no excuse for intentionally hurting somebody like that.” He glared at my brother again, menacing and authoritative. “I don’t ever want to hear you speak to her like that again. So…go over there and apologize.” He trailed Tyler like he needed to make sure he would follow through on the instruction.

Best episode of
Scared Straight
yet.

Tyler was pissed but I could tell he was genuinely sorry, too. He knew he’d gone too far. “Yesterday was messed up. I wasn’t thinking. It was dumb. It wasn’t right. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, Ty. That means a lot.”

“Don’t
ever
do this again…” Charlie said, and I gripped his arm when he leaned toward my brother. Like I could stop Charlie if he
really
wanted to get to him. Then he held his hand out to Ty. “Tell me now that you’re going to look out for your sister. And that’s all.”

“I will.” My brother nodded robotically, fearfully. He took Charlie’s hand then looked at me. “Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?”

“No, because you will. I’m sure of it,” I said.

“You know how to get to the bus stop, right?” Charlie snatched his wallet from the coffee table and stuffed bills into his hands. As far as I knew, Tyler had never ridden the bus before, and a small part of me filled with dread thinking of him getting lost somewhere in the city. He didn’t even have his cellphone on him. But I let him leave shoulders slumped.

I didn’t feel any better.

“You’re pissed off at me.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“Yes,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest, “you were kind of mean to him. Not that he didn’t deserve it. I was going to handle it.”

“I’m mad at you, too. No one’s mistakes should be thrown at them like this, especially when you are working hard to not repeat them. Human beings hurt each other, badly, and we leave people to deal with the damage we cause. But the good people live with those mistakes, too. And make amends. You’re living with it
enough
. And enough is fucking enough. No one gets to talk to you like that about that fucking accident, or anything else. Not him. Not your dad. Not your mom. Not even me. No one.”

“Charlie, you’re not telling me anything I don’t know, okay? I
know
that. I don’t want it to be that way. I don’t want to be someone everyone feels like they can beat down…” I trailed off for a moment because there was a flash of fight in his eyes and his jaw ticked. “But they need a villain. If I take that away—”

“Fuck that.” He shook his head, flustered. “Baby…no one, okay?”

“
Okay
.
Okay
.” I sighed. “I’m gonna go to a meeting today. I know I can talk to you, but I need a different kind of support right now.”

“I figured.”

“I’ll talk to you about it, too; I don’t want to keep it from you. I don’t want you to think this has to become your burden. I want you to be my boyfriend, not my savior.”

“You are never going to
need
saving.” Charlie’s hand landed on my collarbone. Then he gripped my chin, his thumb and fingers digging into either of my cheeks. His lips mashed mine in several hard presses. He held the last one and kissed me deeply, tongue somehow probing places that were nowhere near my mouth. Suddenly, I was on my tiptoes and falling against the wall. His hand was on my ass, because it was
Charlie
. And it was
my ass
. He kissed me that rough, possessive way he sometimes did when he was all worked up, and usually on top of me. And inside me.

Incredibly hot.

Stepping back, he brushed his hand across my stomach and grabbed his keys off the kitchen counter. “Where are you going?” I asked.

Charlie grunted. Grinned. “To take the little fucker home.”

“Hey! That’s still
my
little fucker. Don’t hurt him on the ride.”

“Fine, but we’re eating his cake later.”

“The whole thing.”

“The
entire
fucking thing. Love you.”

I went to AA all week the following week, and my parents called me for three days straight before Charlie told me he was answering. Ty had told them what he’d done and they wanted to talk, but I opted to keep my distance from all of them. I hadn’t felt like a part of my family for a long time; now I didn’t even want to be. At least I had Lea and Camryn and Mrs. A and Samira and Ghost.

And Charlie. I had Charlie.

By week’s end, I was almost back completely in my relationship bliss again. Not minding so much that he was
still
spending majority of his time here. So, I shaved, loofahed, lotioned…and got naked on Sunday while he was working. When I walked into my bedroom he was sitting at my desk and facing away from the door, staring at his laptop. I stood behind him at the doorway. I was so excited to pull this off I was already getting wet.