Words Heard in Silence (102 page)

Rebecca stood shocked. She did not know how to respond to that. She had been taking care of Charlie for days already. "I need to talk to him."

"Yes, ma'am, I believe you do. I do not know what is wrong, but something is."

Rebecca marched down the stairs and knocked on Charlie’s door. "Charlie? It is Rebecca." She said needlessly. "May I come in?"

Silence met her knock.

She knocked again. "Charlie, please. Please let me come in. I need to see you. I need to talk to you."

More silence.

She took a deep breath and opened the door. Going inside, she closed it gently behind her. "Charlie?"

Charlie lay on his cot, face turned toward the windows looking out on the back yard, down toward the pond.

He turned his head and looked at her as she entered. Very quietly, he said, "Hello, Rebecca."

She smiled and moved to the cot, kneeling down and placing her hand on his back. "Hello, darling. Please tell me why you had Jocko move you down here."

"You need your bed, and with me in this condition, it cannot be easy or pleasant for you to share it with me. The bed was too soft, and the things I need to take care of me are here in the winter kitchen. I thought being closer would be good. Easier. Simpler."

"I see. All right, I can accept that, but I had hoped to have you closer to the children. Em is begging to see you and you have yet to meet the boys."

Em. Em, who thought her Papa was the best man in the world. He could not let Em see him like this. "Rebecca, I do not have the energy to see Em. I do not want her seeing me like this. Ever."

"Charlie. Charlie, sweetheart. Em has missed you, she has cried for you nearly everyday. She will not care about all of this. All she will care about is that her Papa has come home. Charlie, this child has already lost two parents, do not take a third from her."

Charlie steeled his jaw. "Rebecca. Look at me. What kind of a parent can I be right now? I am barely human."

"Charlie, yes, right now you need to rest and heal, but in time you are going to be fine and……"

"Jesus Christ, Rebecca. Look at me. Look at me! I have always been a shadow of a man, a bad imitation. Now I am only pieces! I cannot walk. My hand is gone. I will be nothing but a mass of scars when I heal. I can only be a burden, so leave me. Create a life for yourself, for the children. They do not need to have a sad half-man who cannot even go to the bathroom alone for a father. Leave me."

"Charlie...please...do not say..."

"Rebecca –– go. Go! Please, just go."

Rebecca stood, feeling tears forming in her eyes. She backed up from Charlie. "I love you. Nothing that has happened will change that." Tears slipped down her cheeks as she turned and left the room.

Jocko had followed Rebecca down the stairs and stood in the shadows, wanting to help, feeling like a wretch for listening in, and lost as to what to do to help his friend and the magnificent lady who loved her General.

A
lmost a week and a half had passed since Rebecca had brought Charlie home. After that horrible first day, Charlie had stayed in his office, refusing admittance to anyone except Jocko or Whitman. Eventually, even Whitman was barred when the man took Charlie to task for excluding Rebecca from his sick room.

Elizabeth arrived late in the afternoon, having come by carriage from the now dissolved field hospital in Appomattox. Samuelson was with her. So was Black Jack. Richard and one company from the 13th had accompanied her, as protection on the road was vital now that the country was swarming with men who had signed their oaths and were trying to get home. The rest of the 13th was on its way by troop train to Bucks County, Pennsylvania or Columbus, Ohio to muster out of the army and return to civilian life. The men accompanying Richard had no homes to return to; they thought that Culpeper was as good a place as any to build new lives. Arriving in Culpeper, they parted company, with the men reporting to Byrnes for lodging in town, and Richard, Samuelson and Elizabeth turning south and west towards Redmond Stables.

Beulah and Reg were at the door to greet the little party. Richard wanted to drive around to the stables to put the horses away, but Reg quietly shook his head and hurried off to tend the horses. Rebecca, hearing the commotion, came from the nursery where she had been tending a disconsolate little girl. She was so relieved to see the little group she literally flew down the stairs into Elizabeth’s arms. "Oh, God, I am so glad to see you, I cannot even begin to tell you."

Elizabeth gently hugged this woman she had come to regard as a sister. "What is it, Rebecca?"

"It is Charlie. He is...is..." She dissolved into tears, unable to express the pain and frustration that had settled firmly in her soul and darkly over her heart.

Elizabeth looked at Richard over the head of the sobbing woman in her arms, a dark frown of concern on her features. Gently, Richard lifted Rebecca into his arms and half carried the woman into the back parlor. Elizabeth signaled to Beulah to bring tea, and sent Samuelson off to find Jocko or Whitman and find out what was really going on.

Richard settled Rebecca into a comfortable chair and offered his handkerchief. "Now, dear lady, tell us what is going on with that reprobate."

"He has turned away from me. He will not see me. He will not see Em. He has yet to see the boys. Em is beside herself, crying for him at every turn. Nothing satisfies her. She stands at his office door, which he has locked, and begs him to open the door. The only one he will let into the room is Jocko and even then it is only for food. I am completely lost. I just do not know what to do."

Elizabeth looked at Richard, her heart falling in her chest. She had feared this kind of reaction from Charlie. It happened too often with physically robust and very active men when they discovered that they would never be able to do the things they were accustomed to again. In Charlie’s case, because his charade was so dependent on his physicality, the impact could only be devastating. "I had hoped that he would be stronger than this, but it is not unknown, dear. Injuries as extensive as Charlie has suffered leave their mark on the soul as well as on the body. I will do what I can, though. Shall I go and see to him now?"

"Please, perhaps you can get through to him. I do not think he understands that we still love him and need him."

Elizabeth raised her eyebrow. "No, I suppose that stubborn fool does not realize that at all. He never did understand that there are many of us who love him."

"Please go talk to him. Maybe he will listen to you."

Elizabeth left the parlor, to find Jocko waiting in the hall for her. "So, Jocko, just how bad is it?"

"Well, let me tell you, that stubborn ass is barely eating now. All he does is lie in that bed and stare out the window. He will not even talk about Rebecca or the children. I have even taken the precaution of removing all his firearms from the room."

"Is he up and about at all? He should be walking at least a few steps at a time by now."

"He refuses except to rise and lock the door."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes and clenched her teeth. "Damn him. He is giving up."

Jocko looked at the ground, refusing to meet her eyes. "I fear so. Please try, Doctor."

"Of course." She patted his shoulder and turned for Charlie's office.

Elizabeth and Jocko proceeded down the stairs. There, they found little Emily crouched by the door, holding her puppy, Papa, to her chest and crying softly. The sight of the little girl waiting at her father’s door nearly destroyed Elizabeth. Gently she went to Em and lifted her in her arms. "Shush, little one. We are going to see if we cannot make your Papa right again." She turned to Jocko. "The key, if you please," knowing perfectly well that he had to have one. Silently, he handed it over to her and relieved her of the bundle of quietly weeping child and long-suffering puppy.

Elizabeth waited until Jocko was well out of view with Em before she unlocked the door and entered the room. She saw him there, his back to her, as Jocko said, staring out the window. "Hello, Charlie."

Charlie did not move or acknowledge her entry. She could tell from the tension in his body that he knew she was there; he just refused to respond.

"Are you proud of yourself, General Redmond?"

He did not respond.

"You are tearing up your home and your family. Rebecca is nearly hysterical with worry about you, and do not tell me you can not hear little Emily crying for you outside this door."

Elizabeth’s words pierced Charlie’s soul. It was terrible to listen to your own death being mourned before you were gone. If he could just end it quickly, it would be over and they could start building a new life. There was that new man that Jocko said Rebecca had hired to help work with the horses. A fine looking man, from what Charlie could tell, who was obviously good with the animals and whom Charlie could see made Rebecca smile.

"You are a fool, do you know that? All your life you have hoped to find this –– a wife and a family –– and now you have both. Why are you trying to destroy it, Charlie? And you may as well answer me. I am not leaving until you do."

Charlie rolled over onto his back, winching when the bandages rubbed against his tender, just healing flesh, and glared at Elizabeth. "Look at me, Elizabeth and tell me honestly. Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever be able to hold my children in this arm?" He lifted his right arm as far as he could, which was scant inches above the bed. "Will I teach my sons to run and ride with this leg?" He snorted. "And my beloved. What will she see when she looks at my body? Will she see the ‘‘Greek Goddess’ she once called me, or will she see a cripple, riddled with terrible, ugly scars, who can no longer stand to be touched because of the pain? Leave me, Elizabeth. The Charlie you knew died at Appomattox Station."

"You...you..." Elizabeth tried to control her anger but decided against it. "Damn you, Charlie Redmond! Do you have any idea how many people worked to save your life? Do you have any idea that when you were wounded your men mourned more for you than when President Lincoln was killed? Damn it, Charlie, men who were free to leave when the truce was signed, stayed in camp until the day you were sent home. And I worked so hard to save you life! I should have taken your leg. It caused us days of trouble, but we were tireless in your care so you would not lose it. Damn you! Damn you taking your life for granted when so many men and boys lost theirs..." She was shaking so hard now it was all she could do to resist the urge to slap him.

Charlie looked at her coldly. "You should have let me die." He turned back away from her, to resume his vigil through the window. Here was his dream; he wanted it to be the last thing he ever saw, since he could not bear to look into Rebecca’s eyes and know how terribly he had failed her.

"How dare you! I am a doctor and my first oath is to save lives. You may take it for granted Charlie, and you may not care now, but there are people who love you and who want you around. You can believe whatever you like, but do not dare to ever tell me that I should have let you die!"

Jocko, having turned Em over to her mother and given the puppy to Colonel Richard’s care, quietly returned to the room. He heard the last words and knew that Charlie would not respond. Silently, he took Elizabeth’s arm and escorted her from the room, closing the door behind them.

Charlie lay silently looking out the window, unseeing, blinded by the tears that filled his eyes and soaked his pillow.

R
ebecca found that having Richard and Elizabeth around did help ease the stress, if not the pain, of the situation with Charlie. The unexpected return of her cousin, Albert, from the war had eased the stress of trying to run the stables with just Tarent and MacFarlane’s help. She had heard he was dead, though there had never been a confirmation of his demise. He was cut from the same cloth as her father and was more comfortable with horses than people.

That left her own heartache and the children for Rebecca to manage –– more than enough for one woman to deal with at any time. It was a beautiful day, clear with bright sunshine. Rebecca thought that spending some time in the sun, with the babies and the puppy might help ease Em’s melancholy. So Sarah prepared a picnic lunch and the whole family, including Richard and Elizabeth, and Albert, adjourned to the little patio by the pond for lunch.

Em sat on the ground with Albert and played with some stick figures he had fashioned for her. Richard was holding his namesake and making truly silly noises, which almost made Rebecca’s frustration and the pain melt away as she watched him. She held little Charlie close to her and looked up to the windows of Charlie's office. "I am at my wits’ end, Elizabeth. I am so tired."

"I know, dear. So am I. Somehow, something has to get through to him. But I swear, I have no idea as to what." Elizabeth thought for a moment. "So, tell me about your handsome cousin."

Rebecca smiled at Albert, who was trying so hard to make Em laugh. "He is my father's sister's eldest son. Of her three boys, he is the only one to return from the war, and like me he has no family left. So he came here. I loved Albert like a brother when I was a child and I am glad to have him here."

"Well, he certainly has brought some cheer into this house. I am glad you have help."

Rebecca nodded, shifting little Charlie when he started fussing. "I hope someday Charlie will want to meet the entire family."

Albert interrupted their conversation. "Excuse me, Doctor Walker, but about that black stallion you brought in with you? He really needs to be exercised, but no one seems to be able to saddle him. I wonder if you would mind if I gave it a try?"