Words Heard in Silence (104 page)

"You do not remember, do you? You do not remember Rebecca being at your side in camp, do you? She performed surgery on you, Charlie, when Elizabeth was far too exhausted to do it properly any longer. That lady took those instruments in hand and took care of your wounds. She knows what you look like, Charlie, and she has not shied away from it yet. As for your children, Christ! Em only wants her Papa; she could not care less about your wounds. Your boys will grow up with it. It will be normal for them, as normal as you will allow it to be. Dr. Walker believes you will ride again, if you get off your lazy, feeling sorry for yourself arse and do what you are supposed to do to get better. There is nothing we can do to help you if you will not help yourself first."

Charlie only caught the first part of Jocko’s speech. He was stunned. "She was there? I thought I was dreaming? She was the one who…… Oh, God. I have been such a fool. How did she get there? What happened? You have to tell me, Jocko. How bad a mess have I made of things?"

Jocko's brow lifted slowly over his eye, creeping up his forehead and he put his fists on his hips. "Oh, so that is how it is? I see. Yes, she was there. Elizabeth sent for her when we thought you were going to die, but she came, resolute that you would not die. She even came up with the treatment for the infection that nearly cost you that leg you were so worried about. She stayed by your side until Elizabeth put a sedative in her tea to make her sleep. She never turned away from you. Then she brought you home and wanted to help you get better and you turned her out, Charlie boy. You drove her away." He sighed, putting his hands to his sides. "All you have to do is ask to see her and she will be here. Yes, Charlie, you have bloody well made a mess of things, and you are damn lucky you have a forgiving woman in Rebecca, cause if it were me, right now, I would let you rot." More softly, he added, "Charlie, she only wants you."

Charlie looked down at himself, dressed in a dirty nightshirt, shoeless, and probably smelling a bit ripe since he had refused Jocko’s assistance in bathing. "Jocko, can you help me get cleaned up a bit?" Charlie looked pitiful, lost and confused, and very ashamed, but somehow more himself than he had been in days.

"It would be my pleasure. It is good to have my friend back. I did not much care for the fool who had taken his place."

Charlie was shaky, but game. "Neither did I."

G
etting Charlie cleaned up was more of a project than either man expected. By the time they were through, he was shaved, smelled good, and was dressed in a loose pair of trousers, a shirt and his robe and slippers. He was also exhausted. But he was also determined to begin the process of making amends with his wife and daughter.

"Jocko, how am I going to get up the stairs? I can barely stand for a minute, let alone walk."

"Wait just a moment." Jocko stepped out of the office and across the hall to the kitchen, where he found, as he expected, Reg chatting with Sarah as they washed the supper dishes. "Reg, come with me for a moment." The two men essentially picked Charlie up in a sling made of their arms and carried him up the stairs to the door of the back parlor. "Well, Charlie boy, from here you are on your own."

Reg laid his hand on Charlie’s arm. "Wait a moment, sir." He scooted to the large umbrella stand by the front door and pulled out an old cane, left by some absentminded visitor years before. "This may help."

The two men stepped back from Charlie and watched as he cautiously knocked on the parlor door.

Rebecca looked up from little Charlie's slumbering face. She was cradling one son, while the other slept near by and Em slept on the couch. After her outburst and when Elizabeth finished with her hand, she had felt an overwhelming desire to be close to her children. "Come in."

Charlie opened the door and then switched the cane to his good hand. Slowly, he shuffled into the parlor, and then just stood there, looking at his family. He looked into Rebecca’s eyes, trying to find words. "I am so, so sorry."

She stood, being very careful of her son, and walked to Charlie. She was not sure what to say to him; a wrong word might set him off again. "I love you."

"I love you. I just did not know…… I think we need to talk." Charlie stopped, unable to continue in the face of his own overwhelming stupidity. "Can I sit down?"

"Of course." She smiled and moved so he could get to the closest chair. "I am sorry, too."

Charlie gingerly settled himself in the chair. "I dreamed you were there."

"It was not a dream. I was there." She sat down in the chair across from him, taking the time to place little Charlie in his cradle. "I came as soon as Elizabeth sent for me."

"Jocko said you did surgery on me."

"Well, I doubt Elizabeth would consider it surgery, but I did tend to your wounds, helping to get rid of some of the infection."

"So you have seen how bad it is?"

"Yes." She nodded, never taking her eyes from Charlie. She did not want him to think she was repulsed by him. "I have."

"And you do not find it repellant?"

"No." She moved from her chair and settled at Charlie's feet, gently resting her hand on his good leg. "I love you. What matters to me is that you are alive. That the war is over and you are home."

"I cannot be what I was."

"Which was? Do you mean to tell me that you can no longer love the children or me? That we can no longer have long talks and plan our future? Do you think so little of me that you think I base my love of you on the fact that you could run the circuit of my farm? I always wondered what sane person would want to do that anyhow." She gave a smile, trying to make him understand what was truly important to her.

Charlie bowed his head. "I have hurt you and Em very badly."

"Charlie, it is nothing that cannot be fixed. We have just been so worried about you. Em only wants her Papa. She thinks you do not love her anymore." Tears filled Rebecca's eyes. "She is just a little girl, she does not understand."

Very tentatively, Charlie reached his hand out to touch Rebecca’s shining hair. The soft texture between his fingers nearly broke his control. "I think, perhaps, you do not either."

"I want to, Charlie, but you have to be willing to talk to me. I cannot understand anything if you stay locked away in your office."

Charlie took a deep breath. "Rebecca, I know I may not deserve it, but I want to come home –– really come home. If you will have me and all of my melancholia and my overblown sense of honor."

"You are home. You always have been. You just needed to find it for yourself. I do not know what brought you from the office, but I thank God it happened. I love you, Charlie, and the children and I need you here with us."

"Well, beloved, you should be very nice to Jocko, who went out of his way to tell me exactly how big an idiot I have been."

"Then I will see to it he is properly rewarded. I know you have a long way to go, Charlie and I want you to know I am prepared to walk that road with you."

Charlie lifted the hand that was resting on his knee and raised it to his lips. Very softly and very reverently, he kissed her hand. "I love you, Rebecca. And I have found that I need your love and happiness more than anything in the world. For a while, I was willing to die in the hopes you would find someone to be happy with –– I thought that your cousin was courting you. Jocko made me realize that it takes a lot more courage to be willing to live so that you will be happy."

"That is exactly what it will take to make me happy. Do you know, if you had died, there would never have been another for me? In you, I have found my life and my love. You are all I want."

Charlie reached out to her and cupped her cheek in his good hand. "And you are all I ever dreamed of and more. I do love you, darling. I never wanted to hurt you. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course. I am just happy to have you back. Now if you are up to it?" She glanced to Em who was sucking on her thumb as she slept on the couch.

"Oh, Lord. Poor Em. Rebecca, how much have I hurt her? I heard her crying outside the door, and I tried to get to her, but I just could not –– I did not have the strength."

"I think all will be forgiven if you will see her now."

"Can you wake her for me? I would love to hold her, but I, um, well, just getting here pretty much took everything I have."

Rebecca smiled and moved to the couch, where she gently ran her fingers through Em's hair. "Wake up, my little darling, there is someone here to see you."

Charlie sat in his chair, smiling gently at his daughter. "Em? Come sit on Papa’s lap –– but be gentle, please."

Em lifted her head and a smile broke across her face. "Papa!" She climbed down from the couch and, with help from Rebecca and another warning to be careful of Papa, she was where she most wanted to be, in her Papa's arms. "Papa." She cuddled into him. Her weight on his injuries was excruciatingly painful, but he bore it with good cheer. Em’s well-being was far more important.

"Hey there, little one. How is my good girl?"

She did not respond. She just cuddled into his lap and kept saying, 'Papa' over and over again.

"I have missed you, imp. I hear tell you have been a very, very good girl."

"Em twy." She very carefully leaned up and kissed his cheek. "Love Papa."

Charlie hugged the little girl very close with his good arm. "I love you very much, Em. And I promise, you can come into my office whenever you want from now on."

"Papa see Chawy, see Andy?"

"Your brothers have been asleep, but I expect that Mama will introduce me soon. I wanted to see you, first."

"Em happy you home."

"I am very happy to be home. I got lost for a while, but Uncle Jocko and Mama helped me find my way."

"You in you office. Em knew."

Charlie looked at Rebecca and they both tried very hard to not laugh out loud. "Yes, Em. Papa was in his office."

"I know." She huffed and cuddled back into his arms. "Papa no work, no more."

Charlie laughed. "Em, Papa has to work. But I promise, Papa will only work as much as he has to, and you can visit me whenever you want." He turned to Rebecca, "That is true for you, too, dear."

Rebecca nodded and placed her hand on his knee. "I am glad. Will you please move back into our room as well?"

"If you want me, I would like to very much. I have missed you more than I can ever tell you."

"I want you to, very much. As long as being in bed with me does not cause you pain. You said the bed upstairs was too soft."

Charlie looked down and tightened his lips. "That was not the problem, dear."

"No? What was it?"

He looked directly into her eyes. "I was afraid. Afraid you would find me…… repellent."

"I understand. You needed time." She looked at Charlie’s bandaged hand. "I wish I had understood it earlier. I was expecting too much too soon."

"No, dear. You were not expecting too much. You were expecting your husband to come back to you. The problem was that I left your husband on that field, and had to find him again." Charlie was trying to be discreet, with Em drowsing on his lap.

"Have you found him?"

"I think I have. He is somewhat shaky and a bit scared, but he is back."

"Good." She was about to say something else when Andrew began wailing. She closed her eyes against the sound and smiled. "That is our boy." She moved and picked him up. "Come Andrew, let me introduce you to your Papa."

Charlie nudged Em, who was half asleep on his lap. "Em, little one, can you make room for your brother? I cannot hold him in my right arm yet."

Em opened sleepy eyes, looking to her brother. "Papa hold Andy." She climbed down from his lap, but stayed near his legs. She watched as the baby was placed in Charlie's arm. "Andy cwies." She sighed. "Lots."

Charlie found himself looking into a pair of blue eyes, crinkled with sleep and irritation. Here was your basic baby, red faced, with good lungs, based on the amount of sound coming out of his mouth right now, and a cap of fine reddish blond hair. Charlie looked up at Rebecca. "Constance’s?"

"Yes."

"Hello, Andrew Richard Redmond. I am your Papa. It is a pleasure to meet you, young sir."

The baby looked to the sound of Charlie's voice, stopped crying and proceeded to yawn.

Charlie laughed and handed his younger son back to Rebecca. "He is beautiful, love. And his hair is like yours."

After placing Andrew in his bed, Rebecca moved to the other cradle and picked up their eldest son. "And this," she presented him, " is Charles Huger Redmond the second."

Charlie Two was solid little boy with a shock of black hair standing up from his head like a bantam rooster’s and bright blue eyes that regarded his father very solemnly. "Hello, son. I do hope you do not turn out to be as stubborn as your father." Charlie looked up at Rebecca and smiled. "We celebrated his arrival with a small found feast –– roast goat. I do hope it was not predictive of his personality."

"No, he is very sweet. A good little boy who does not fuss and entertains himself most of the time."

"Well, dear wife, I would say that you have built us a lovely family while I was gone."

T
ess came and bundled the children away to bed. Em was a little reluctant to go, but Charlie promised her that he would be in the bedroom upstairs in the morning, and she could come and visit him as soon as she woke up.

Charlie and Rebecca talked late into the night. Charlie laid all of his fears and uncertainties before Rebecca, trying to make her understand why he had thought she would be better off without him, and ending up by convincing himself even more of what a fool he had been.

Rebecca palmed Charlie's cheek. "You are exhausted, my love. We need to sleep."