Worthy of Me (10 page)

Those people who say that talking about things helps you let go? They’re right. Telling Aiden everything was the best decision of my life. I felt lighter as each word left my mouth. I looked down at him, on his knees promising to be there for me, to be worthy of me. I shook my head and laid my palm flat against his cheek.

“Don’t treat me like some fierce warrior,” I smiled sadly. “
I never said a word, Aiden, I didn’t leave when I could have.”

“You didn’t leave because you had hope, Mia,” Aiden said. “You believed
in your mom even when nobody else wanted to.”

I closed my eyes.
“Things were not always bad though. When mom was sober she was this angel with a big heart and a beautiful smile. I lived for those moments, I prayed for them.”

“Have you ever tried telling them all this?”
Aiden asked as he sat next to me.

I shrugged. “Not my dad, but I did try talking to my mom.”

“And?’

I sighed. “My mom is emotional. Anything can set her off and I always worry about being the one to lead her to the bottle. So, sometimes I start to tell her things and notice her face and decide—I’d rather not.”

“So you’ve completely forsaken all relationships because of what happened with your parents?”

I glanced at Aiden and saw the obvious concern and love in his gaze. He wanted to know about me not for any other selfish reason; but I think he wanted to understand me.

“I wouldn’t say it is their fault. I tried my best to have relationships but the guys were always losers as I told you. Someone always found a way to disappoint me. Maybe it was just the town I came from or maybe there was something wrong with me, but,” I paused and then looked into his bright blue eyes that reeled me in that very first day. “Looking at you; I’m thinking that maybe it was the town.”

Aiden smiled and pressed a light kiss to my forehead. “You are very special, Mia. Ironic as it sounds; you lit up my life with your darkness.”

I chuckled. “Such a way with words, handsome.”

Aiden grinned at me.

“There was this guy, Raymond, he lived up the road from me. We chatted over the phone for a while. I liked him because he paid so much attention to me. He made me feel like I was wanted. He used to listen to me when I would tell him about all my problems,” I laughed. “I used to purposely do things to mess up my computer and call him over to fix it. All so I could see him.”

Aiden chuckled. “What happened?”

I paused. “I really don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to ruin our friendship or something. At one point I had convinced myself I was in love with him. He was a good guy.”

“Ever wonder what would’ve happened?”

“Yep, while it may have been good; it could have also turned into a complete disaster and I would’ve lost him forever,” I shrugged. “Besides, my knight in shining armour happened to be a guy from a bar in Michigan with one smoking hot body and a habit of jumping to conclusions.”

“Hmmm, lucky you.”

We sat in a few minutes of silence watching a family set up a picnic blanket and basket, three toddlers in varying ages ran around the couple while the father played with a baby strapped in a baby harness. I watched the family and for the first time instead of wishing I had that with my own parents—I wished that those parents had been Aiden and me, and the children running around could be ours.

For the first time I picture a family with someone, a life, a new beginning.

“So what happens now?” Aiden broke the silence.

I looked at him and smiled. “Now, you help me move things out of the shitty apartment I’ve been staying in and move it back into your house.”

Aiden saluted me. “Yes madam.”

The reunion with everyone was bittersweet. The girls at Kingston pretended to be upset and then burst into tears, Dianna was most upset because I hadn’t even told her where I was going. I knew she would crack under Aiden’s pressure and probably blurt out my whereabouts. Mr. and Mrs. Kingston welcomed me with open arms. Allison came to me one day…

I sat on Aiden’s bed dressed in his t-shirt and going through his highschool yearbook.
He really looked weird with the braces and acne, I couldn’t believe that this guy was now my hunky boyfriend.

“It’s impossible to think he’s the same guy,” Allison said from the doorway.

I glanced at her and looked back down without saying a word. I could hear her sigh and step further into the room; she sat at the edge of the bed and wrung her fingers in her lap.

“Mia, I’m so sorry,” her voice trembled. “I didn’t mean to—okay, that’s a lie, I did mean to do all the things I did.”

I raised my brows. “Well, no can fault you for hiding the truth, oh wait, I can.”

“I felt you were after my brother just like Carolyn. I’ve been so protective off him and what I did to you with the help of Haley was wrong.”

I nodded at her. “It was.”

“I had no idea what she was going to do. All I knew was that she would help me get rid of you from our lives. I hated how nice you were, I hated how my parents fawned over you, I hated that you were taking my brother’s attention, and mostly? I just hated how perfect you were,” Allison shrugged.

I laughed. “Perfect? I’ve never been perfect and neither have I ever claimed to be.”

We lapsed into silence both of us looking at everything else besides each other.

“Allison, what you did was wrong. But I can’t hold it against you forever. Aiden means the world to me. I love him and I hope that one day he and I can start a family of our own. For that to happen I
will not
distance him from his sister,” I watched Allison look up at me with hope. “I forgive you Allison. I hope in time we can become friends too.”

“I would like that,” Allison smiled sweetly. “Okay, I’m gonna head to bed. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” I called out.

I smiled to myself as I put the yearbook back on the shelf. I felt two hands slip around my waist, lips at the shell of my ear, pressing slightly and retreating, and the heat of the body of the man I loved.

“That was nice of you,” Aiden whispered. “Giving Allison a chance.”

I gasped as he trailed his lips down the side of my neck, sucking at the skin slightly.

“Yeah, well, I’m a nice person,” I breathed.

“I agree.”

Aiden back me onto the bed slipping me out of his shirt as we went, it was only then that I noticed he was completely naked. He worshipped every inch of my body with his lips, tongue and fingers. He played my body as if it were an instrument. I did the same for him and when the passion reached unbearable levels; he sunk into me, filling me to the hilt.

He moved slow, holding my hands flat on the bed entwining our fingers and looking straight into my eyes, pouring all his love into his gaze and kisses. We reached an earth-shattering climax that set one thing in stone; we were going to be together for as long as life allowed us to.

Much, much later I woke up to the sound of Aiden in the shower. I crept inside, hoping to surprise him but I was surprised instead—running down the length of his spine was a long gothic looking rose and along the stem the words,
Forever My Mia
, were inked permanently onto his skin. Tears slipped from my eyes as I watched the water run down the red, green and black ink. He loved me so much.

Life seemed to settle in place—this time it was for real. Allison and I managed to become really close. Aiden helped me start my own business which was basically a bookstore that connected to Kingston. I didn’t name it because—well, I had plans on being a Kingston soon enough so why change the name now only to change it later. Dianna finally got engaged to some hunky businessman whom she claims spanks her like
Christian Grey
. Lucas got himself a boyfriend who spends most of the time sitting at the bar with him. Abigail hated it because she had her eye on the guy and then found out that he humoured her only for Lucas’ sake. Haley tried to butt in again and again but finally I sent the photographs to the cops and soon Haley was no longer a problem. She was sent out of Michigan just like Carolyn was but not by Aiden this time; instead it was by her rich parents.

My mom moved to Michigan to be with me. Aiden didn’t mind surprisingly, he was a little hostile to her at the beginning because of the past but once he saw that she was constantly sober and putting her life back together, we managed to accept her into our lives. My dad sends a text now and then; mostly I think he’s happy that my mom and I are out of his hair and over thousands of miles away from him.

Aiden proposed in a rather unforgettable way. We were at Kingston and Aiden continuously tried to pop the question but this random guy kept interrupting him asking for me for his order. My handsome man finally got pissed enough that he punched the guy and then got on his knees and said, “Marry me.”

So much for asking.

The wedding happened in Michigan
. The ceremony was small but memorable none-the-less. Mom looked radiant and dad was dapper as usual. I had a feeling they had secretly hooked up while he was here, but I wasn’t holding my breath fir that.

Aiden and I flew to Paris for our honeymoon and it was amazing.

“So how does it feel to be Mrs. Kingston?” Aiden asked when we set out bags inside the hotel room.

I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pushed him down onto the bed. I took my time relieving him off his clothes while he did the same for me. When we were naked, I rode him until our bodies coated with sweat and skin stuck together as we lay
tangled on the silk sheets of our honeymoon suite.

“It feels euphoric,” I gasped into the silence.

Aiden chuckled and held me tighter to his body. We spent one week in Paris, another in London and another in Rome. It was amazing and I knew I was finally living my dream. I was happy.

On my twenty-fourth birthday I learned I was pregnant. Aiden was over the moon but I was scared. My old fears reared its ugly head, reminding me of my childhood and the way I was brought up. Aiden, Emily and Carter were worried because my depression was affecting the pregnancy. I knew I needed to deal with things before it jeopardised my family or even my baby.

So I started seeing a psychiatrist. She helped me with my fears and asked me to journal everything that bothered me every day. It worked, I was able to join in the excitement when we bought baby stuff and even helped Aiden paint the nursery.

My mom had a blast helping to buy things for the baby and we bonded.

The sad part was that every time I was with her, I continuously expected the other shoe to drop. I always expected her to disappoint me in some way. That was how I realised that I wasn’t really over everything that happened. I wasn’t going to move on unless I got my closure.

So t
he night before the baby was born, I sat at the table in the nursery looking over our large front yard and watching the moon shine through the trees and into the house—I wrote my final entry into my journal. And not just any entry it was a letter. A letter that helped me welcome my baby girl into the world. A letter that changed my life and allowed me to get closure to be with my family. Forever.

Dear Mom and Dad

I’ve had so many questions for you. Like why did dad leave home? Why did mom prefer to die than to live for me? Why didn’t dad save me from mom’s drinking and abuse? Why didn’t dad support my dreams? Why did mom hurt me over and over again without any remorse? Why didn’t mom see that no matter how hard she hurt me, I never left like dad did? Why didn’t I matter enough to my parents for them to put me first? Was I not worthy enough?

But as time passed and the pain cut deeper, I realised I didn’t need these answers. I didn’t want to get hurt all over again by the people who were supposed to protect me. Hell, even animals did whatever they could to protect their young—my parents preferred to treat me as one of those animals.

It sounds harsh but it is true.

You see, mom and dad, whether you got bored with your marriage or were not able to stay faithful; it wasn’t my problem. I didn’t deserve to pay for what you both did. I didn’t deserve to be ignored every time I needed my father and he just didn’t want to be there. I didn’t deserve to be the punching bag every time my mother needed to numb her pain with alcohol and then take it out on someone. I didn’t deserve the harsh words and the bruises on my body. I didn’t deserve the broken dreams all because my father thought that I wouldn’t make enough money out of it.

The truth is that you didn’t deserve my unconditional love. No matter what you both did to me, I still loved you. I still looked for your affection and I still tried everything possible to make you proud. I’ve watched people traipse in and out of my life. I’ve dealt with the judgement and embarrassment of your mistakes. I’ve been heartbroken, mistrustful,
and afraid and damaged all because I believed that if my parents couldn’t love me, then who would?

Someday I’d probably regret this letter. Not because this may hurt you but because I know that somehow you would make me feel guilty. You will once again remind me of your sacrifices, your difficulties and my ungratefulness. All these things are probably why you’ll never see this letter. But this is my closure.

My goodbye…

My goodbye to the twelve-year-old little girl who watched her life fall apart and needed her parents to help her
understand why…

My goodbye to the eighteen-year-old girl who had her heart crushed over and over again every time she tried to g
ain her parents attention...

My goodbye to the twenty-one-year-old adult that felt like a failure
…

Life goes on I guess. I found someone who loves me, someone who would do anything for me. Someone who gives me the world and appreciates me in the way you never did, never could. Someone who has given me a family, a family I could love and make whole and make mine.

I will be happy again.

The truth is, I was more than worthy of the two of you. It seems you were never worthy of my love, my ability to smile through all the crap you dealt me and most of all?

You were not worthy of me.