Written in the Stars (46 page)

‘I dream about living a slower-paced life,’ he’d sighed, dabbing his forehead with a handkerchief.

‘You should consider Norfolk,’ I’d smiled. ‘It’s my favourite place in the world . . . and has so many incredible gardens and country houses.’

‘How strange you should say that. I love it there too!’ he’d said, and had given me his card before he left. I pat it just to make sure it’s there. I couldn’t believe it when I realised he was the same designer I’d seen at the Chelsea Flower Show and whose garden I’d loved so much. It’s made me think about contacting him. I mean, it kind of feels like fate. In all the shops in all the cosmos he had to come in to this one, right?

The Cosmo Flowers van isn’t parked far and I’m hurrying down the street, wanting to drop the bouquets off so we can get out of here. There are too many memories for us in Canary Wharf and the one thing Adam and I said when we got back together is that we wanted to go back to the beginning: have a fresh start. That’s why living at Milly’s is perfect. We’re back where we were when we first met. We’re just going to make different decisions this time.

‘I don’t recognise the address,’ I say to Adam as we stare down the street. I walk over to a building that looks like it has some sort of glass ball on top of it and stare at it, and then at the piece of paper I’m holding. I’m about to go in when Adam catches my arm.

I follow his gaze up to the sign above the glass doors that says Hudson, Grey & Friedman.

‘What a weird coincidence!’ People are streaming in through the doors of the glass building and I watch Adam quietly for a moment. ‘Do you want to go in?’ I ask. ‘I don’t mind if you do – I mean, I’m sure your dad would appreciate the support . . . he did invite you, after all.’

Adam doesn’t say anything for a moment. We just both stare up at the party that’s happening on the roof terrace above us; a party that once upon a time we would have been at.

‘Do you know what? I really don’t,’ he says with a smile. ‘Dad knows there will be no more networking events or corporate dinners, no more socialising as anything other than father and son. This isn’t my world any more.’

I kiss him then slip inside the building to deliver the bouquet. I’m nervous in case I bump into anyone, so I quickly give it to the security guard with a request to take it up to the top floor.

‘All done,’ I say as I run back to Adam’s side.

With one last look up at the building, Adam slips his arm around my waist and we walk along laughing and talking under a perfectly starlit sky.

Chapter 71

Bea Hudson is wondering if it’s all over.

It’s past midnight by the time the last guests have gone and only the caterers and a couple of stragglers are left. I walk back out onto the terrace. I know I should feel relaxed, relieved now that it is all over but I just feel empty. It was a great success – even George took a moment out of his hectic networking schedule to come and congratulate me. ‘Bloody good job,’ he’d said and kissed me with a red-wine-stained smile. Then it had faded. ‘I hope we’ll see Adam soon.’ He’d looked sad for a moment as he glanced around the emptied terrace. ‘I’d hoped he’d be here tonight but he’s told me firmly he’s not coming back to the company. He made the rules for our relationship clear when he called me from India.’ India? I had no idea he’d gone there . . . I wonder why? Suddenly I feel like I can see him standing on some beautiful beach like the ones Loni always talks about. I must ask her more about it. Maybe I’ll go there with her one day. Have a girls’ holiday. Reconnect with her again.

I focus back on George. ‘No talking about work, he told me. He said he wants to be his own man – my son, not my successor.’ He sighed. ‘I suppose I’ve got to let him lead his own life. The trouble is, the one I’ve worked so hard for is such a good one, I wanted it for him too. I miss him, you know, Bea. Often I wonder if I’ve been a good enough father, made the right choices.’ And then he shook his head and disappeared into the throng again.

I see him now, saying goodbye to the caterers, and he comes back out onto the roof terrace. ‘You coming, Bea? I’ll call a car to take you home if you like.’

‘I think I’ll just stay here a few minutes more if that’s OK, George. I just want to soak up the moment and the view for a little bit longer.’

He nods and lifts his hand. ‘I’ll let security know. Well done again, you did the family proud today, love.’

I grab two last glasses of champagne from a half-empty tray and go and sit at the iPad bar. I glance at my watch as I take a sip. I know he’s going to come, I just know it. I look up at the full moon that shines above me, a pale white clock-face against the bright, almost digital glow of the city below. Each light that flickers in a window, or on a passing car, seems to me to be numbered, a steadily growing number of lives in a vast city of people all desperate to make their mark, make the right decisions, live the best version of their lives.

‘What a beautiful view,’ I hear a voice say. I smile and pick up the flowers that I ordered when I went into Sal’s shop to see her and baby Aaron and asked if someone could deliver them here tonight. I turn and there he is. Adam. The same, but different somehow. Gone is the smart suit and stressed-out expression. He’s wearing jeans and a hoodie, his hands are pushed deep down into his pockets, the uplights from the terrace illuminating his tanned, relaxed face.

‘I knew you’d come,’ I say softly as I step towards him, the scent of the flowers filling the air.

‘Just in time, by the look of things.’ Adam smiles but there is a hint of concern in his eyes. ‘Are they from an admirer?’ He nods at the bouquet in my arms.

I glance down at them and shake my head with an enigmatic smile.

‘They should be,’ Adam says, gazing around at the roof terrace as he tentatively takes my hand. ‘What you’ve done here, it’s incredible. I’m so proud of you.’

I feel a flush of pleasure. Not just because he’s proud, but because I am. ‘I couldn’t have done it without you, Ad.’

‘Of course you could,’ he laughs. ‘You just did!’

I take his other hand and we turn to face each other. ‘Even so, I couldn’t have done it without your support. You’ve always made me feel like I can do anything I want; you gave me the confidence to do something I’ve never really believed I deserved to do.’ I lean in to him and lift my lips to his. It’s been two months since I saw my husband and I don’t want to talk any more. I want to kiss him. I want us to start the next stage of our life together.

‘You must believe it now though, right?’ Adam says, stroking my hair that’s blowing around my face. I’m thinking about getting it cut short; it’d be much easier with my job. I look up at him and nod.

‘And I’ve decided what I want too,’ I say determinedly. I weave my arms around his neck and clasp my hands so Adam can’t tell they’re shaking. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me, or feel like he doesn’t have a choice. Neither of us knows what decision the other person has come to. He’s back, but are either of us willing to merge our worlds, cross the line that forced us apart last time?

He gazes at me as I stare out at the city, feeling my pulse race and my voice shake as I prepare to take the first step.

‘Ad, I’ve decided that I don’t want to live in London any more. I don’t belong here, I don’t think I ever have. I only came because of Milly, and then I stayed because of you. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned this year, it is that I have to make decisions based on what I think will make me happy.’ I take a deep breath. ‘I want to move back home for a while. I want to go back to university and finish the degree I started all those years ago. I found out last week that I’ve got a place at UEA to do the third year of my garden design degree.’

‘That’s amazing news!’ Adam says and I smile. I’m so happy, but I still don’t know if choosing it will cost me my relationship. It’s a chance I’ve decided I have to take.

‘I want, no, I know that for my own happiness – and health – I need to be able to run along the beach, to tend to a garden, to see my mum whenever I want, find out more about my dad. Maybe I’ll try and find him, maybe I won’t, but the one thing I do know is I can’t live here any more, in London.’ He nods and looks up into the night sky. ‘I know none of this may be compatible with your dreams, Adam,’ I blurt out, ‘or your vision for the future – and that thought petrifies me because I can’t imagine doing any of it without you.’ I feel sick as I stare at the face I love and that I’m not sure if I’m about to lose. He then steps forward and looks down into the street below, as if he is imag- ining himself elsewhere – wandering through the city streets perhaps, laughing with someone who is happy to follow him wherever he wants to go. ‘What about you?’ I ask, swallowing back the fear I feel. Whatever the outcome, I’m strong enough to deal with it. ‘What have you decided?’

He pauses for a moment before he turns around. ‘I think I’m still working it out to be honest,’ Adam says, looking back at me, his grey eyes fixed firmly on mine. It is a strange turnaround for me to be the one certain of my choices, while Adam is still floundering. ‘I left you knowing that I had to have some time to myself. I wanted to work out where in my life I’d been happiest. I went to Paris first, back to all the places we visited on our honeymoon, I visited loads of galleries and museums, I even went back to our secret garden . . . none of it was the same without you. I went to New York next, just to get an idea of whether I’d want to live there. I love that city but, again, I couldn’t imagine being there without you. I flew out to India as I thought I’d find the answers there. But I just felt lonely. All I could think about was watching the incredible sunsets with you, browsing the night market together or riding pillion on the back of a moped.’ He grasps my hand and I can see he is as petrified of this moment as me. ‘I know now that life isn’t about winning pitches, or getting promoted, it’s not about being seen in the right places, or having a career that my parents are proud of. It’s about doing what makes
me
happy, with the people – the
person
who makes me happiest.’ I look at him hopefully. ‘The thing is, Bea, I don’t know what I want from my future yet, I’ve had it mapped out for me for so long I need more time. But the one thing I do know is who I want to spend it with . . .’

I take a sharp breath as he cups my face. ‘Just to clarify, it’s you,’ he says.

‘Really?’ I ask, feeling like my heart has burst into bloom.

He smiles and points at the sky. ‘As certain as night follows day, the moon circles the earth, and the stars will always shine . . .’

‘So what now?’ I whisper as he leans his forehead against mine.

He shrugs. ‘I don’t know! God, it feels liberating to say that! For the first time in my life I don’t have to look at a diary, or think about my career plan. I don’t have to listen to Dad telling me what he was doing at my age. I’m just going to take my time and enjoy . . . not knowing. In the meantime I plan on supporting you in your career. I’m going to put the flat on the market, hopefully start looking for a place for us in Norfolk. Maybe I’ll set up my own business, I might freelance for a while . . .’

‘You’re going to temp?’ I raise my eyebrow and he laughs.

‘Why not? You’ve inspired me. I think everyone could do with taking some time to work out what will make them truly happy . . .’ He trails off. ‘Maybe not seven years though,’ he says with a wink. ‘I’ll try and work it out quicker than that.’ I hit his chest playfully and he laughs and lowers his mouth to mine and as our lips meet, I close my eyes and feel myself being lifted high up off the terrace as if I’m soaring through the air. I’m flying, not falling, and I know I’m being carried to a place where I will land safely. Where I can be myself, make my own decisions but be kept afloat with the full support of all the people who love me.

This
is being happy.

‘Hey,’ I murmur at last as I come up for air and remember what I’m holding. ‘You’re squashing the flowers.’

‘I can see what order of priority I’m going to come in this relationship already,’ Adam says, looking warily at the flowers, and I smack him lightly with them. ‘I’m going to be a gardening widow, right?’

‘They’re for you, actually,’ I say, pushing him away from me a little so I can show them to him properly. ‘I chose them because I knew you’d come here tonight. I knew it as much as I know who I am and what I want. I knew it because I know you.’ I give the bouquet of blue and white flowers to him and start talking him through each stem. ‘Each one represents who you are and what you mean to me.’ He looks down at the flowers. They are not cohesive, as a bouquet, they would not win any prizes, and yet they say everything I want to express about him. ‘Bluebells for your constancy, snowdrops for your positivity and for never giving up on me, ranunculas for being rich in attractions.’ I pause. ‘In other words, because you’re really gorgeous.’ He throws his head back and laughs as I continue to talk him through the flowers. ‘Violets for your modesty – because you don’t realise just how gorgeous you are – and forget-me-nots because you have the key to my heart.’ I break off for a moment, suddenly recalling a long-lost memory of the man I last gave forget-me-nots to. My dad. I close my eyes and open them again. This seems to be the best way to move on from that memory. To let go.

‘And then,’ I continue, ‘surrounding them all is ivy because it symbolises friendship, fidelity and marriage. And I want you to know that being married to you is the best decision I have ever made.’

15 October 1989

My dear, darling little Bea

It is October as I write this note to you,the day after your seventh birthday, and the leaves are falling from the trees, and spring is like a distant star in the cosmos. I’m leaving today, because I can’t stand another dark winter. I’m leaving you this diary as a gift, a symbol of my deep-rooted love, in the hope that it will help you to keep growing, keep flowering, long after I’ve gone. I’m sorry it has come to this, but sometimes old plants like me need to find new soil in which to grow. But I need you to promise me you’ll grow big and strong. That you’ll trust in yourself and every decision you make, and always remember this: in the garden – and life – everything is cyclical. Each path we choose, every decision we make may one day take us back to the very same one we turned away from. And if sometimes you think you’re going round in circles, remember, you will always know where you are if you keep looking up at the stars.