Yon Ill Wind (11 page)

The master bathroom had a tub the size of a small swimming pool, while the other had a shower.  “This is just so amazing,” Mary breathed.  “Just to be hospitable.”

The three pets were waiting expectantly, Mary realized why.  “Certainly—indulge yourselves,” she said.  They immediately went to the pet nook and started eating.

“How about us?” David asked.  “You adults have the master bedroom with the great bath, and Chlorine and Nimby have the first regular bedroom, but how do us kids split the other two?”

Mary considered.  “If one of you wants to sleep on a couch in the sitting room, you can all have rooms to yourselves.  But one of you will have to share a bathroom with the one on the couch.  Can you work that out between you?”

All three nodded enthusiastically.

“Then let's try to be ready for supper within the hour.”

She glanced at Chlorine.  “I didn't think—you do wish to share a room with Nimby?  If not—”

“That's fine,” Chlorine said.  “Come on.  Nimby—you still have some of that meatier shower stink.  I'm going to scrub you clean.” She led the young man to their bedroom.

Sean looked after them.  “I wish I could get scrubbed clean by a creature like—” Then he realized that his mother was looking at him, and cut off, somewhat (but perhaps not sufficiently) embarrassed.

Jim and Mary entered the master bedroom and closed its door.  “Who first?” she asked, glancing at the enormous tub.

“What, not together?” he asked.

“You think this is our honeymoon?” she inquired archly.

“In this suite, it.  feels like it.”

He was right.  “Together,” she agreed.  “But don't get fresh.” She went to run the water.

This turned out to be interesting.  There was only one tap, but when she turned it on, the water came out exactly the right degree of hot.  The two towels were small, but when she touched one with her wet hand, it dried the hand immediately.  There was one tiny bar of soap, shaped like a stone—obviously a soapstone—but when she dipped it in the water it made a big fluff of scented bubbles.  There just might be some magic here.  Well, she was getting used to that, in this magic land, and this was one of the first really pleasant surprises it had had for her.

Soon they were both in the tub, scrubbing each other, and it was wonderful.  Jim did get fresh, and she allowed it, because it did indeed feel like their honeymoon.  “If every day were only like this,” she murmured.

“I think we have been selling Xanth short,” he agreed.

“It's like a powerful new computer program:  at first you run afoul of all its traps, and they mess you up and drive you crazy, but then you start getting really into it, and you find out how nice it can be.”

“Mmnun,” she agreed luxuriously.

After that, things got somewhat out of hand, but it was worth it.  Just so long as none of the children barged in on them.

They were ready by the time the hour was up, bright and clean and in fresh clothing.  So were the children, amazingly.  And the pets, who evidently intended to join them downstairs.

 “But—” Mary started.  Then she remembered how advanced the animals had become.  “Of course.” The others glanced at her in surprise, but didn't comment.

Quieta appeared promptly.  “Right this way,” she said.

They found themselves in a very nice dining chamber sized just about right for their party.  Quieta went into the adjacent kitchen and emerged pushing a cart with a number of platters and pitchers.  These turned out to have an assortment of meats, vegetables, pastries, breads, and beverages.  “I would serve you, but I am not sure of Mundane tastes, so I brought a selection that you could choose from yourselves,” she explained.  “I shall be happy to answer questions about what may be unfamiliar to you.”

Sean reached for a pitcher.  “This looks familiar.  What is it?”

“Boot rear.”

He smiled.  “Sure.” He poured himself a cupful.  He took a good gulp—and jumped halfway out of his chair.

“Hey!”

Karen tittered.  “Boot rear!  I get it.  Serves you right.”

Mary eyed what looked like something scavenged from the meatier shower.  “What is this, please?”

“That is steak, from a steak-out tree.”

Mary decided to risk it, and was rewarded with an excellent entree.  The others followed suit, and did seem to enjoy the strange meal.  They finished with eye scream, which turned out to resemble screaming eyeballs but tasted much like the confection they knew in Mundania.

As they finished.  Imp Ortant returned.  “I shall try to entertain you, while Quieta does the dishes,” he said.

“Maybe we should help with the dishes,” Mary said, feeling guilty again because they weren't paying for this.

“No, the spells wouldn't work for you.  How may I best help you to enjoy yourselves?”

“I for one would like to know a bit more about your village, your society,” Jim said.  “I haven't encountered imps before.” David and Karen looked as if they would rather watch TV, but Mary stifled them with a warning glance.

Ortant, however, saw and understood the glance.  “Perhaps the children would prefer to remain and watch the magic mirror,” he suggested.  “While I give the adults a tour of our village.”

“Magic mirror?” Karen asked, her interest suddenly revving up.

The imp went to a large mirror at the end of the chamber.  “Mirror, would you like to entertain two Mundane children?” he asked.

A mouth appeared on the glass.  It seemed to be a reflection, but there was nothing it could be reflecting from.

“Why not?  I'll show them the Magic Tapestry of Castle Roogna.”

“A tapestry?” David asked, disappointed.

“The Tapestry shows any scene of Xanth you wish to see,” Ortant explained.  “Most children find it quite interesting.  Of course, it won't violate the Adult Conspiracy.”

“Awwww,” they said together.

“But it does show historical battles where dragons chomp people, men throw women into pits, and blood flows in rivers.”

“Gee,” they said together again, their interest restored.

Mary winced; apparently Xanth had the same standards as Mundania in this respect.

David and Karen set chairs before the mirror.  “Let's see that river of blood,” David said.

The mirror showed a country scene with a bright red river flowing in the manner of a normal brook.

“Aw, that's just colored water,” Karen said.

The mirror's reflect-mouth appeared, superimposed on the scene.  “Why don't you ask me to have the Tapestry trace up to the source of that river, where the blood is spurting from a wounded giant?”

“Yeah!” they said together.

Quieta arrived with a plate of pastries shaped like little vanilla wheels with chocolate spokes.  “Here are punwheel cookies for you to eat while you watch,” she said.

Mary masked her sigh.  It seemed the children would be quite satisfied.

“Right this way,” Ortant said, walking to the door.  Jim, Mary, Sean, Chlorine, and Nimby followed- him.  Mary hoped the tour wouldn't be as boring as the children had feared.  But they had to take it, as a matter of courtesy, to reward the imps for their hospitality.  With luck it wouldn't be long; then they could settle down for a night of blissful rest.

The three pets came too.  That made Mary think of something.  “Woofer—maybe stay with the children?” she asked.

The dog cocked his head at her, then nodded and turned back.  He was Sean's pet, but he would guard the children.

“Thank you,” Mary murmured, relieved.  She had no reason to be suspicious, but she did not feel easy about leaving the children entirely alone among strangers.  They would come to physical harm, literally, over the dog's dead body.  And Woofer would probably enjoy the exploration of the river of blood too.

Meow!” Midrange said imperatively.

Sean smiled and bent to pick up the cat.  Naturally Midrange didn't want to walk when he could ride.  Since Sean's dog was staying with David, David's cat would take over Sean.

Then Tweeter flew up to perch on Sean's hair.  That surprised him.  Karen had managed to impress on Midrange that any bite out of the bird would swiftly lead to a worse bite out of the cat, so Tweeter was tolerated unmolested.

But the two had not been exactly bosom buddies.  Now, with the magic, they seemed to be getting along better.

And all three animals had become eerily smart.  So maybe Tweeter figured the cat would understand his concerns better than human beings would.

They stepped outside the dining room, and outside the hotel.  The wind was rising; it buffeted them.  Imp Ortant lifted a lantern from a hook beside the door and strode out into the street.

“Uh, what about the accommodation spell?” Sean asked the imp, who now looked exactly like an old human man.  “I mean, if we leave the hotel, won't we revert?”

Ortant lifted the lamp, which cast its glow more widely.

“There is a duplicate accommodation spell built into this magic lamp,” he explained.  “As long as you remain in its light, the spell will hold.  This is best, because we shall be going into some places way too small for normal human folk.”

So they had it figured.  Sean returned to his normal interest, which for the past day or so had been Chlorine.  She was the sexiest woman he had encountered.  Oh, sure, he had caught that glimpse of her when she reverted to her normal state, but that wasn't the way she looked now, so who cared?  Consider Nimby, who had turned out to be a mule-headed dragon.  Talk of damsels and dragons!  Nobody seemed to be having any problem accepting Nimby as a man—in Sean's clothes, yet!—so why should he, Sean, have any with Chlorine?  Nobody was very pretty on the inside, anyway; it was all blood and guts and brain tissue.  By the time Chlorine reverted to her regular dull appearance, he'd be back in Mundania anyway.  So he might as well enjoy it while he could.

Sean slowed his pace a trifle, so that he fell back in the group, and Nimby and Chlorine caught up to him.  Now if she would just walk in front of him—but maybe that would come.  He had caught enough glimpses of her bosom and thighs to keep him floating for some time; she evidently wasn't used to the fancy clothing she wore now, and didn't realize quite how much it tended to show.  He sure wasn't going to tell her!

Tweeter cheeped faintly in his ear.  “Eyes left.” At least that was what it almost sounded like.  Startled, he looked left—and Chlorine was moving close to him.

“Those are nice pets,” she said, her voice dulcet.  “Was Tweeter speaking to you?”

“Yeah.  He told me something lovely was coming up on my left.”

She smiled.  “Thank you.  Tweeter.  I think you're lovely too.”

The bird did a little dance of ecstasy, fluffing his feathers.

“Sean, you're the first young man I've met, since Nimby made me beautiful,” she said.  “I think I am practicing on you, to see how loveliness works.  I hope you don't mind.”

“I—you—you practice all you want,” Sean said, startled by her candor.  How he wished he could get her alone and do some real practicing!

“You see, all my life men have scorned me, because I was plain,” she continued.  “So I really don't know how to act around them.  I can't practice on Nimby, because he's not really a man.  Please let me know if I bother you.”

“I don't think you could bother me if you tried,” he said, feeling light-headed.

She laughed.  “I could in my normal state.  But I had Nimby make me nice as well as beautiful, and smart.  But intelligence doesn't substitute for experience.”

“That's for sure.” The possibilities were setting his pulses pounding.  She wanted romantic experience.

But now they had arrived somewhere.  Just when it had been getting really interesting.  Too bad.

They entered what seemed like an ordinary building.

“This is where we prepare the raw stones,” Ortant said.

“Atient here is a very fast worker.” Sure enough, the imp man was working with blinding speed, doing things to a collection of pebbles on his table.  The gems were of several colors, and seemed to glow, or actually to be burning.

“These are safe fire stones, used for making fires that will not get out of control.”

“Sapphires,” Mom murmured.  She had a good eye for gems.

“What are these?” Chlorine asked, indicating several red gems that looked like little letter L's and were rapidly spinning.

“Spinels,” Ortant said.  “They are valued for their flashing color.”

They left the building and passed a mound covered with gravestones.  An imp was using a scoop to pull shining bits of stone from it.  “This is a die mound,” Ortant said.  “It is not safe to walk on it unless you wish to die.  Then you never leave it.”

“Diamonds are forever,” Dad remarked.

“Fortunately Robable is able to harvest stones from it without getting caught,” Ortant said.

“Improbable,” Sean muttered, catching on.

They passed a garden with yellowish rods growing from the ground.  An imp was rubbing them, collecting something in a bag.  “Goldenrods,” Ortant explained.  “Radical is harvesting their pollen, which we use to powder other jewelry with golden glitter.”

They passed a glade where many bees were buzzing.

Several of them buzzed the party threateningly, but didn't actually sting.  Midrange batted at those that approached Sean, and Tweeter flapped his wings with annoyance.

“What's the matter with them?” Mom asked, irritated.

“Why are they so pointlessly hostile?”

“They are rude bees,” Ortant explained.  “Ede will stop them.” And an imp walked out toward the bees, his very presence seeming to hold them back.

“Imp Ede rude bees—impede rubies,” Sean murmured.

“You're so clever,” Chlorine said, batting an eyelash.

She was improving with practice; he felt foolishly flattered.

They came to a pool where another imp was working with a bucket shaped like an 0.  “Rovise is using the 0pail to try to dip out the matriarch of pearls.”

“Opal—mother-of-pearl,” Sean said.  Chlorine batted another lash.  He felt twice as clever as he was.

Then they came to a pen in the water where several fishtailed equines were confined.  One neighed.  “Oh—sea horses!” Chlorine exclaimed, thrilled.

“In a corral—-coral,” Sean said, working it out.

“Ose is doing his best to tame the horses in time,” Ortant said.

“In time for what?” Dad asked.

“In time to save them from the magic storm that is approaching.  Our wares are very sensitive to changes in ambient magic; something we might not notice could cause them to go wrong.  We need to clear the entire village by tomorrow night.  That is why we are working so hard tonight; we need to complete our work and get our things to safety.” He frowned.  “Unfortunately these horses are ill at ease now, and not cooperating well.”

Chlorine touched the water with one finger.  “No wonder—this water is germy.”

“Yes, the storm is polluting it with weird forms of life. But there's nothing we can do.”

“I can fix it,” she said.  She touched the water again.

“But aren't you poisoning it?” Sean asked anxiously.

“Yes.  But not so much it will hurt the horses.  It will just wipe out the germs.  Then my poison will fade, and leave it pure for a while.”

Sean did a double take.  “Of course—chlorine—the chemical—we use that in Mundania!  To clear our water.”

Ortant was surprised.  “You poison your water to clear it?  I thought there was no magic in Mundania.”

Sean laughed.  “It does seem crazy, but it works.”

The horses already seemed to be doing better.  “We thank you,” Ortant said to Chlorine.  “We never thought of purifying the water by poisoning it.”

They moved on, and Ortant showed them other aspects of the imp operation.

“But—” Mom said, troubled.  “But shouldn't you and your daughter be helping in this effort, instead of—of tending to us?”

“But you are guests,” Ortant said.  “We must see to your comfort.”

Mom did not seem quite satisfied, but she said no more.

Ortant brought them to a burning portal.  “This is the gate of fire through which we must take our wares to safety,” he said.  “Ressed will show us the vaults.”

“Fire agate,” Sean murmured.  “Impressed.”

“I'm impressed,” Chlorine murmured.  “You are just so, so clever!” She was beautiful anyway, but by this time she would have looked lovely regardless of her appearance.

“So are you,” he replied.

“Oh!” she said, caught by surprise by his return compliment.  Then she smiled.  “It works both ways, doesn't it?”

“Yes.  That's what courtship is all about,” he said, feeling very wise.

“Jim …” Mom said with quiet urgency.

“Perhaps we have seen enough,” Dad said, picking up on Mom's mood.  “We should get a good night's sleep.”

“Certainly, if you wish,” Ortant said.  “I shall lead you back forthwith.”

Sean knew that they didn't want to take more of the imp's time, when it was clear that the village had such a lot to do.  He understood the sentiment.  He also knew that the notion of children growing up and finding love made Mom nervous.  She thought no one ever crossed the line to adulthood, after her own generation.

As they traced their route back to the hotel.  Chlorine expressed her curiosity.  “I hadn't realized that imps made so many gems.  I thought that Jewel the Nymph handled that.”

“Imps make all the gems,” Ortant said proudly.  “From the sparkles of light in morning dew to the most enduring treasure.  Where do you think the nymph obtains her supply?”

“I had thought it was from a barrel that never emptied.”

“Because we imps are constantly working to replenish it.  We fashion the gems; the jewel nymphs place them for others to find.  So it has ever been.”

“Oh, I'm so impressed!” she exclaimed.  “I mean, not the imp, but the surprise, the awe of your accomplishment—”

“I understand,” Ortant said, looking pleased.  It was clear that her art was working on him, too.

They arrived at the hotel.  David, Karen, and Woofer remained engrossed by the magic mirror.  Mom rousted them out and packed everyone upstairs.

After a flurry of preparations for the night, the others were in their bedrooms and Sean was in the suite's living room with the animals.  He stretched out on the largest couch, discovering how tired he was.  He would lull himself to sleep with mental pictures of Chlorine innocently undressing.  He knew their relationship wasn't real, but it was one hell, or rather, heaven, of an illusion, and he wanted to savor it while he could.

All three pets approached him.  “Oh, you want to share my bed?” he asked.  “Well, okay, but don't bleep on it.”

He noted with bemusement that he still wasn't able to say “poop,” that evidently being on the proscribed list for his age.

“Seean,” Tweeter chirped.

Sean glanced at the bird.  “I swear, it sounded as if you said my name.”

Tweeter nodded.  “Taalk,” he chirped.

“You want to talk to me?  This is getting hard to believe.”

“Taaalk,” Midrange meowed.

“Rrryess,” Woofer agreed.

“But I'm making the effort to believe,” Sean said.

“What is it so important that you guys have to tell me?”

The three seemed at a loss.  “Aaaask,” Woofer said.

“Oh, you mean it's hard for you to talk human, so I'd better play twenty questions?”

All three nodded.

“Okay.  Can I take it for granted that you three remain friendly to our family, despite your new intelligence, and wish us no harm?”

They nodded.  “Um, maybe we can simplify this.  How about a single woof, meow, or tweet for yes, two for no, and three for I'd better do some more asking about that one?”

There was a small chorus of single sounds.

“Maybe we'd better have a single spokespet,” Sean said, smiling.  “I think Tweeter makes a single sound most readily, so I'll address him, but if anyone else has something to say, cut in.” He pondered a moment.  “Is there some danger to us?”

“Tweet.”

“Does it relate to the storm we're trying to outdistance—Happy Bottom?”

“Tweet.”

“Well, we're going to get moving on north in the morning.  Isn't that good enough?”

“Tweet tweet.”

“How about the crack of dawn, and gobble breakfast while driving?”

“Tweet.”

“Okay, I'll go tell Dad now.  He won't be asleep yet.”

Sean started to get up.

“Tweet tweet tweet.”

“Um.” Sean considered again.  “Something more I should know about this?”

“Tweet.”

“Now, let me figure.  You guys must've learned something we humans didn't.  But you were with us all the time—two of you with me, one with the kids.  So it can't be-—say!  Was it from before?  Did you talk with other animals somewhere along the way?”

“Tweet.”

“And they know something the humans don't.”

“Tweet tweet tweet.”

“Okay, that we don't.  How about the imps?  They know?”

“Tweet.”

“Which is why they're getting the bleep out of here.

The storm.  But we already knew about that.”

“Tweet tweet tweet.”

“Something more about the storm.  Apart from stirring up things and maybe blowing us away.  But I can't figure what”

“Woimps,” Woofer said.

“Sure, I'm a wimp.  But I still can't figure this out.”

“Woof woof.”

“Oh, I'm not a wimp?  Then what were you saying?”

“Meoimp,” Midrange said.

“Oh, the imps!  They're friendly, aren't they?”

“Tweet.”

“And the storm means trouble for them too.  Because of the magic dust it's stirring up, which can bring madness when there's too much.  So they are clearing up and out.”

“Tweet tweet tweet.”

“More on that.” Sean pondered again.  “They know what they're doing, don't they?  They're on schedule?”

“Tweet tweet.”

“Oho!  They're not going to make it in time?”

“Tweet.”

“Because we delayed them by taking up their time and effort?”