You Can't Run From Love (15 page)

“And the next time,” Tom prompted.

“Kirsty, do you know about Kirsty?” Tom nodded. “I did the same after she was crushed to death. It took a while to get any information out of me. I didn’t remember everything until much later.”

“Jess, do you remember refusing counseling?”

She frowned, trying to think. After her family was killed it was offered but she wouldn’t cooperate. “Yes. Uncle Jack took it and wished I had. I remember him saying that.”

“I remember him saying that to. I’m sorry, Jess. Julie’s upset she didn’t see this coming and quite frankly so am I. I should have questioned all of this before.”

Jess was confused. “Why would you? There hasn’t been a need.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Jess. You haven’t exactly hidden the fact you associate love with death and disaster, but none of us have taken it very seriously.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t either, Jess. I’m not qualified in that department. But it sounds like your behavior is some sort of heightened emotional response. A defense mechanism, if you like. I don’t know the technical term for it.” Jess looked at him blankly. “Your mind and body are reacting instinctively, like it would to anything it doesn’t like or want, an allergy if you like. You have no control over it. It’s something that happens unconsciously.”

“No one died this time though. It’s never been a problem. It’s never bothered me before. Gretchen nearly died. But Rachel? Why did I run from Rachel?”

Tom took her hand. “Jess, as I said, I don’t fully understand, but you have fought so long to keep love at bay. Think about that. Think about what happened with Rachel.”

Jess desperately attempted to assimilate what he was saying. Some of it made sense and some of it didn’t. But he was right, the one thing she was certain of,
love
caused nothing but pain, so it was best to be avoided at all costs.

Jess sighed, defeated. “Are you sure that’s all it is?”

Tom placed a hand on her knee. “No Jess. You have to live with the consequences of it. You can’t beat this on your own.” He continued when Jess looked at him without saying anything. “A friend of mine, a professor, has an interest in this type of thing and would be pleased to meet with you. She has a clinic in town, on Wednesday and Friday mornings.”

Jess glared and expelled an irritated breath. “A clinic? I take it she’s some sort of psychiatrist?”

“Yes, though her specialty is psychotherapy. Jess, it won’t go away, and she is willing to listen and help if possible.”

“You think I’m a nut?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to upset you. And no, I’m not implying you’re mad. I just wanted to let you know there is help if you wanted it. Here’s her name and number, it’s up to you.” Tom handed her a folded piece of paper as he stood. “Thanks for the tea. I’d better be off. Jack will be expecting me.”

Jess waited until he had rounded the building and then rushed after him. “Wait, Tom. This thing, will it get worse? I should never have done what I did to Rachel. It’s inexcusable.” She attempted a smirk to stave off the hysteria bubbling just below the surface. “And don’t worry. I already know I’m mentally unstable.”

Behind the bravado, confusion and pain were evident. Tom struggled against pulling her into a hug. Instead he took her hand and said, “Speak to Carla. It has to be you who makes the contact.”

***

Rachel stared out of the conservatory window toward the barn. She was visiting Jack for the last time before her return to America and wondered if the woman who plagued her thoughts would make an appearance as she had on a number of occasions throughout the summer. “Not likely,” she hissed to herself.

“Rachel, I’m very fond of you, I hope you are aware of that?”

Taken by surprise, she quickly turned to see Jack as he sat down. The tone indicated that this was heading somewhere. She sat next to him reluctantly.

“I’m fond of you too, Jack.”

He smiled and Rachel was struck by how unwell he really did look. “Jess is my niece, but to me, she is the daughter Mary and I were unable to have. I don’t like to see her so unhappy.”

Rachel was angered at the observation; she was not the one to blame for all this. It was beyond her comprehension how someone could make love to her like no other and then just run as if they had made the biggest mistake of their life. The feelings of loneliness and shame of that night, as she cried huddled up naked behind the door, came flooding back.

She swallowed back the pain. Margaret had been her saving grace, reassuring her that she could hold her head high for six days, and then regroup and think more objectively with regard to her next move.

With a light laugh in his voice, Jack took Rachel’s hand. “I know a man of my years shouldn’t be talking to you like this. Something has happened between the two of you, that’s obvious. I have no idea what it is…” He raised a questioning eyebrow. “The little information I can glean from my niece, I fear she has done you a terrible wrong.”

Rachel, close to tears, looked back at Jack. He too was upset by all of this. “You could say that.”

He smiled warmly. “I’m not taking sides, Rachel.” Jack gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “I know Jess prefers the fairer sex to us macho types.” He paused. “And I am assuming you feel the same way.” She just nodded. “I’m guessing Jess got a little too close and then ran in the opposite direction.”

Rachel’s head instantly snapped up and she glared. “More like bolted.”

He squeezed her hand again. “Rachel, Jess wouldn’t have deliberately set out to hurt you, it’s just not in her nature. She is a little...” Jack stopped and sat back discouraged. “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but…”

Rachel interrupted. “Then don’t.” She smiled, trying to defuse the situation. “It really isn’t fair for you to have to explain her actions.”

“Rachel, I’m not trying to justify what she has done. Jess has let very few people get close to her. The ones she has are the ones you see around her now. You are the first person I have seen her want to spend time with and enjoy being with.”

Rachel was struggling to contain her frustration and anger. Her happiness this summer had been unceremoniously ripped from her by this woman. Fighting back the tears and the lump forming in her throat, she blurted, “I don’t want to talk about it.” But the words continued to tumble from her mouth. “She doesn’t want me, she’s made that perfectly clear, and I’m not about to intrude where I’m not wanted. I’ve done that before, and I have no intention of making myself that vulnerable again.”

“I see.” Jack sat back. “Will you be coming back, Rachel?”

She sighed. “I said I would the other day.”

Jack looked directly at her. “I would understand if you didn’t.”

She smiled her thanks for the opt-out. “No, I will be back.” She added, “I can’t go back on a promise to Marie, she would have my hide, and I want to help if I’m able.” Rachel met his eyes warmly and placed her hand over Jack’s. “You have grown to mean a lot to me in the six years. I’ll definitely be back.”

Marie interrupted them from the kitchen. “Tom’s here.” Rachel stood and kissed Jack on the cheek. “I’ll see you in five weeks.”

***

Jess’s mood had deteriorated since her chat with Tom. She’d done her utmost to be cheerful at dinner and knew she had failed miserably. She was missing Rachel so much that her whole body ached, never mind the headache that had persisted all afternoon. The possibility of not ever seeing her again was killing her, and it didn’t help that Marie and Jack didn’t appear confident that she would be returning.

She looked over at her uncle as he settled himself down into an armchair. He looked much more than his seventy-three years. “Are you all right Uncle Jack?”

He groaned a little as he made himself comfortable. “Yes, thank you Jess, how about you?”

“Fine.”

His voice raised an octave, much to Jess’s surprise. “Oh don’t give me that rubbish, Jess. You run away for three days, you mope around while you’re working and you’re starving yourself to death. You’re eating less than I am.” Rolling his eyes he attempted to add more calmly. “And another thing, young lady, you look like you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in days.”

Jess smiled weakly. “I’ll survive.”

His irritation was growing. “That may well be the case, Jess. I don’t want to see you just survive. I want to see you happy. I want to leave you happy.”

Tears welled in Jess’s eyes.
Damn, he’s afraid.
“I’m not meaning to make life difficult for you.” She clasped his hand. “I’m sorry. I hadn’t planned for all this to happen and I certainly don’t want to hurt you as well.”

“You’re not hurting me, Jess, only yourself. I can only guess what you’ve done to Rachel, but you can’t just ignore her. She’s leaving tomorrow and do you honestly think she is going to come back?” Jess shook her head. “Then you have to speak to her. How do you know anything, if you don’t speak? You have to speak to her before it’s too late.”

Chapter Twenty

Jess threw back the covers and roughly pulled on joggers and a T-shirt. Slipping her moccasins on she headed down to the kitchen. It was still dark, she was exhausted and sleep, as usual, had eluded her. The “shall I, or shan’t I” talk to her had played around in her head all night.

An owl began calling while she made herself tea, so she decided against the observation room and made for the back door and the porch. As she passed the utility room she grabbed a jacket and torch, trying not to spill the hot liquid. Leaning against the rail she looked out into the darkness, relaxing a little as a female owl joined in creating a soothing twit-twoo. Suddenly shards of light flickered through the trees. Surprised, Jess frowned trying to work out what someone might be up to. Then she realized. Car headlights and they were moving from the direction of Lomond Lodge.
Rachel.

Jess vaulted over the railing and ran toward the yard. Reaching the open space she snatched the torch from her pocket. Heading down the path through the woods she hoped she could intercept her further down the track.

Please, please let me catch her on the first bend.
It was dangerous to be running through these woods at night and her feet…
Ignore your feet. Moccasins, what a fool.

***

Rachel started up the Jeep and pulled away from the lodge. Originally she had planned to leave around seven, but there was no point in hanging about for another three hours or more. The Jeep had been packed the evening before and there was a four-hour drive ahead of her, a couple of good breaks along the way would be better.

The sadness that had engulfed her last night threatened again. Crying herself to sleep, she thought of the possibility that Jack may not be here when she returned. She knew she was making excuses, he would be here. It was Jess that was breaking her heart. Last night was Jess’s last chance to come and see her and she never appeared.
Forget it Rachel.

Shifting into second gear to take the bend, something dashed out of the trees and onto the track. Slamming on the brakes she skidded briefly before bringing the Jeep to a halt. Whatever it was, it wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Rachel froze. She was sure she hadn’t hit it. Maybe it ran back into the woods. She peered over the steering wheel, afraid to get out.

Jess was lying on the ground, tires inches away from her.
She really is going to be impressed with you now.
Crawling around to the driver’s side she heaved herself up.

Rachel caught a glimpse of something to her right and screamed.

The door swung open and Jess winced as she jumped back.

Rachel glared at her. “What on earth are you doing? You frightened me to death.”

Jess said the first thing that came into her head. “Why are you leaving so early?”

Rachel looked at her in disbelief. “What!”

Jess stared, went to open her mouth, but nothing came out.

Rachel continued. “I could have killed you, you idiot.”

Suddenly everything hurt Jess so much; her feet, ankle, knees, hands, head and her heart. Tears involuntarily spilled from Jess’s eyes. “I’m sorry Rachel, I’m sorry for everything. I truly am.” She dropped her head, sighed heavily and turned around, starting to limp away.

Rachel stared at the retreating figure. “Wait. You can’t just say that and go.”

Jess stopped and shuffled gingerly to face her. “I don’t know what else to say, I don’t know how to explain without making things worse.”

Rachel got out of the car. She was stuck for words as well, and all the scenarios of what she would say failed her. Looking closely at Jess she shook her head. “You look terrible.”

“Thanks.” She looked into Rachel’s eyes trying to search for something, not knowing what. Then without thinking she said, “You look as gorgeous as ever.”

Anger flared instantly in Rachel. “You think a nice kind word makes everything all right? Do you know how I felt when you left me that night? I…” Rachel shook her head in frustration. “You avoid me for days and wait until the last possible minute and throw yourself under my wheels. Do you really expect a sorry and a charming word will make everything okay for when I return? Is that it?”

Jess thought desperately, trying to assimilate what Rachel had said and not said. It seemed imperative that her reply was the right one. “You’re coming back?”

Rachel wanted to slap her. Instead she shook her head. “Of course I’m coming back. Though not for you.”

Jess nodded. “For Uncle Jack? I understand. I told you I would only make things worse if I spoke to you and I have. I never set out to cause you any harm at all. I won’t pretend I know exactly how you felt that night, I’m not you. I only know how I would feel. Used, abused, humiliated, confused and devastated that someone who appeared to care so much could do what they did.”

Rachel stared at her, saying nothing. She couldn’t disagree with any of it. Jess pressed on. “I avoided you, imagining the damage I would have caused and not wanting to add to that pain any further. When I saw the headlights though—I had to apologize before you left our lives forever. I truly never meant to hurt you.”