You Can't Run From Love (18 page)

Jess became conscious she was staring at Rachel. She could watch her paint all day. This waiting for Rachel to question her about what happened was getting increasingly difficult.

“Jess.” She turned toward Margaret. “Those are mountain hare aren’t they?”

Jess looked to where she was pointing. “So you were listening this morning then?”

“I most certainly was. I enjoyed that little guided walk. It may have been a bit hilly, but I’m getting better at tackling them. Rachel said you worked as a guide for a holiday company?”

“I did.”

“You should do them from the lodges. I’m sure you’d have a lot of takers for the sort of walk we did this morning. It’s nice to know what you’re looking at, or just walked by for that matter.”

Rachel laughed. “I think Jess has enough to do.”

“Rachel’s right. I don’t mind doing it for certain people. I’m more possessive of the wildlife around here and besides, there are quite a number providing the service already. Mainly the bigger treks though.”

“Jess, that won’t sell it to Margaret. If you want her to bring Diane up here for a couple of weeks, you’ll have to do better than that.”

“Ah, well then. If you were to come in the summer, I might be able to provide a couple of exclusive short walks. I can also provide very detailed maps.”

“Oh, I can vouch for those. You get to see some hidden treasures with those.” Rachel winked at Jess before turning back to her painting.

Clearing her throat, Jess continued. “There are numerous sites of historical interest for the more intellectual visitor; burial grounds, battlefields and castles. Rocks and grass to some people.” Margaret and Rachel laughed. “The highlight, if you don’t fancy any of the numerous outdoor activities yourself, is to watch other people exert themselves at our local highland games in August.”

Rachel interrupted. “Yes, they are always worth a visit. Tossing the caber, tug-of-war, chasing pigs and playing the bagpipes, all done in the rain and mud.”

“I think that’s a slight exaggeration,” Jess said, grinning.

“No it’s not. I have been every year and it’s rained. It’s been a lovely day, but it’s rained.”

Jess shook her head. “It was glorious this year. T-shirt and shorts weather. You need to try again.”

“Maybe I will.”

Jess really hoped that she would. “Anyway back to my selling.”

“It’s okay, Jess. I’m already sold.”

***

It was an hour or so later when Rachel put down her brush. Jess and Margaret had chatted away, leaving her to paint. They’d even disappeared for a short time, and Margaret came back excited at seeing a golden eagle. Every bird of prey to Rachel was either a kestrel or a buzzard, unless Jess was there to point out the differences. She’d learned more this summer about the lodges, the area and the wildlife than the other six years put together. She glanced back at Jess and swallowed down a hard lump that was lodging itself in her throat.
Stop it.
She listened as she gazed out of the window and it seemed every question Margaret had, Jess knew the answer. There was no arrogance in her knowledge, just a love of the area and a willingness to pass it on to anyone who wanted to know. She sighed. The day really was beginning to remind her of the many she and Jess had shared in the summer. She concentrated as the stag started to hurry through his harem of does, attempting to round any loose ones up and then jump up onto a prominent rock and start to bellow. Trying to get the telescope set on him proved impossible. She was seeing everything but the stag.

“Can I give you a hand? There must be another stag in the vicinity. That’s why he’s up there, showing the intruder who’s boss.”

Rachel looked up at Jess, her attentive stare bore right into Rachel. She stammered, “I can’t focus it.” Jess bent down to look through the eyepiece and then reached for the focuser and caught Rachel’s hand still resting on the telescope. Goose bumps instantly traveled throughout Rachel’s body. She felt her nipples harden and her center pulsate. She quickly whipped her hand away and clutched the bench to steady her swaying head.

Jess trembled as she attempted to focus the telescope. Her legs were in great danger of giving way. “They are not as easy to handle as binoculars.” She gripped onto the eyepiece hoping to defuse the heat that was racing through her body. One fleeting touch of Rachel’s fingers was all it took and her body was a roaring flame. Focusing on the noise of the roaring stag she eventually got him into focus and pulled away to steady her gait. She looked at Rachel. “Beautiful—the stag. The stag is beautiful.” Jess stepped back to give Rachel room and bumped into Margaret, quickly sobering her. “Sorry.”

Rachel stood, needing to hold onto something. She was conscious that if she grabbed the telescope, Jess would need to refocus it. She wavered attempting to look through the eyepiece.

“Here, put your hand up here.” Rachel was suddenly very aware of Jess’s close proximity again and her scent wafting her way wasn’t helping either, but luckily her casual manner was. She placed her hand where instructed and focused. It also helped when she heard Margaret say, “Can you see it?”

After a moment she replied, “Yes, it’s magnificent. Oh yes, Margaret, take a look.”

Rachel picked up her sketchpad as another stag came into view.

***

A few hours later, Margaret flopped herself down into the armchair. “I’m exhausted. And I can’t believe I’ve volunteered to help Jess with her chores one day.” She laughed. “To take a quote from someone not too far away, that woman sure knows how to show a gal a good time.”

Rachel smiled, she couldn’t disagree. Today had been a struggle, but she couldn’t deny she’d enjoyed it and if she thought about it, could feel a little jealous that Margaret was going to be spending another day with Jess instead of her. It’s your own choice, she thought. She sighed. “I think I’ll give this to Jess.” She showed Margaret a sketch of two stags with antlers locked in battle.

“I think she’d like that.”

***

It was late in the evening. Jess settled next to her uncle on the settee. He had appeared to have more energy this last week, although his mobility was a little impaired. They were seeing the consultant again tomorrow and x-rays were scheduled to see if there was a cause for the decreasing strength in his legs.

“I was speaking to Rachel and Margaret about how this place came to be. Aunt Mary’s excitement at seeing her dream materialize with your help.”

He covered her hand with his. “If it wasn’t for her, the lodges wouldn’t be the place it is; she had great vision.”

Jess nodded thoughtfully and it made him laugh. She turned to face him. “What?”

He smiled. “That look was very reminiscent of her. You’re like her in very many ways.”

Jess grinned. “That will be your influence.”

He shook his head. “Oh no, you can’t blame me for that. Do you remember when you and Mary were looking at the designs for the lodges? You both piped up at the same time, ‘Where are the drying rooms?’ Only true outdoor people would come out with a statement like that.” He chuckled. “And I can’t remember how old you were then.” He sat contentedly and Jess snuggled closer. “She always loved it when you came to visit in the summer. It was a guarantee she would have an enthusiastic companion to drag out and about.”

Jess looked up at him. “Well it must have rubbed off on you as well. I can’t see you anywhere else either.”

He squeezed her hand. “You’re right. I couldn’t imagine not having this place and you after everyone had been taken away from us.” They both looked at each other, emotion in both their faces. Jess swallowed hard. “Did I stop you from talking about them?”

Jack frowned. “Where did that come from? No, never.” He shook his head. “You always indulged me. I tried to involve you in discussions when I knew it was upsetting you, I’m sorry for that. I just wanted you to stop blaming yourself.”

Jess rested her head on his shoulder and whispered, “I turned out all right though, didn’t I?”

Jack beamed and kissed the top of her head. “You did more than all right, I couldn’t have hand-picked a better niece.”

They sat silently for a while before Jess quietly said, “I think Rachel’s mellowing toward me a little. Well, at least tolerating me.”

“I have to agree; the tension between the two of you does appear much better. You had a good day today then?”

“Yes.” She chuckled nervously. “I’m going to invite her out for lunch and attempt to…explain things. I’ve been hoping she would ask.” She added as her uncle frowned. “I said I would leave it up to her when she wanted to talk.”           

He nodded slowly. “Then I think that’s good, Jess, a positive move. Why don’t you have lunch here, on Friday? You could have the place to yourself. After my appointment with Tom, I’ll have a meal at the pub with Bill and Marie.”

It was Jess’s turn to frown. “I was going to go with you. He’ll have the results of tomorrow’s x-rays.”

“Don’t be silly, there’s no need. I’ll fill you in when I get back. If you just take me into the village I’ll be fine.”

Chapter Twenty-Four

Rachel walked around to the back of the reception area a little apprehensively. Jess had asked if she would have lunch with her; there were things she wanted to explain. Then, as suddenly as the invitation was made, she’d desperately added, “You don’t have to. I know I said it was up to you and it is.”

Rachel’s reply had been instant: “I’ll be there.” She wanted to know what Jess meant by explaining things. Suddenly she was uncertain whether she really did want to know. She shook her head and scolded herself. “You’re a grown woman for heaven’s sake. This should be much easier.”

Tapping on the kitchen door she took a deep steadying breath. “Hi Jess, are you there?”

Jess turned around from cutting bread. “Hello, come in.” Rachel looked gorgeous as always. Jess smiled and wiped her hands on a tea towel. “Please take a seat. Lunch is actually ready. Is that okay?”

Jess joined her after laying everything out on the table, and sat back as Rachel helped herself. Looking at her own food she pushed her plate slightly forward so she could rest her elbows on the table. “I’d like to try and explain to you why what happened, happened.” She looked at Rachel. “Please don’t think I’m trying to excuse what I did, though.”

Rachel nodded and smiled encouragement.

Clearing her throat, Jess said, “This will be hard to believe. I wasn’t actually aware I’d deserted you until it was too late.”

The look of disbelief she was receiving pushed her on. “One minute I was holding you, the next my feet were killing me. I was in the yard with no shoes on and only half dressed. I didn’t know how I’d got there. It wasn’t until later, after I crawled into the barn, that pieces of the evening started coming back to me. Even then, it took some time for me to wake up to the reality of the situation.”

Rachel almost jumped out of her chair. “The situation.” Her face reddened, and Jess visibly squirmed. “No one has made love to me like that, no one. I was so happy and you bolted.
Bolted,
Jess. As if you’d made the biggest mistake of your life. You left me feeling…” She sat back in her chair suddenly deflated. “Oh it doesn’t matter, you know how I felt.”

Jess fought back the overwhelming defeat engulfing her, but she had to get this all out now that she’d started. “It does matter.”

Rachel gave out a short gasp, not saying a word. She pressed on. “I couldn’t make sense of what had happened, it was all so jumbled but I did sort it eventually. And I remembered.”

Her voice breaking and her eyes brimming with tears, Rachel asked. “Why didn’t you come back? You could have just come back.”

Jess lowered her head. “My memory, it was so slow in returning, I was desperately trying to remember exactly what had happened. I couldn’t recall it quickly enough.” She looked back up at Rachel trying to regain her composure. “When I did, I thought it was too late to make up for what I’d done. And I didn’t have a clue how to.”

“You could have started with a ‘sorry.’ That might have helped.”

Jess sighed heavily and reluctantly said, “I was afraid to.”

Though she was obviously trying to stay calm, the anger in Rachel’s voice was still evident. “You avoided me for days. Surely I’m not that frightening?”

Jess swallowed hard. “I’m not explaining this well. I was scared you’d forgive me.”

Rachel looked confused. “What? I don’t understand.”

“I was so happy, more than happy. I’d been fighting my feelings for you for months and it all felt so good.” Jess took a deep breath. “I was about to tell you…” She paused and looked straight at Rachel. Anxiety started to take control, yet she managed somehow to keep it at bay. She took another more calming breath and continued. “I was about to say that I loved you, and something snapped and I panicked. I didn’t want to love you.” Relieved that she’d said it and that Rachel didn’t utter a word, she took the opportunity to continue. “Unfortunately, it’s happened to me before.” She shook her head. “The panic thing I mean, not the declaration.”

She waited to see if there would be a response. Nothing. “While you were away, I saw a psychotherapist. Actually she’s a professor of psychiatry. Carla, that’s her name. Said my running was the result of a heightened emotional response triggered by certain events.”

Rachel’s eyebrows knitted together. She instantly thought back to the counselor she and Michelle had seen. The one she caught her partner in bed with two years later. “Carla. Did you see her professionally or personally?”

Jess was taken aback by the question spat at her. “Professionally, I didn’t know her before. I’ve seen her a couple of times off the couch though. She’s a friend of Tom’s.” Her attempt at a joke hardened Rachel’s features further. Jess sighed. “If you had forgiven me, I was afraid it would happen again, or something much worse.”

“Worse?” Rachel shook her head in astonishment. “How long have you had this problem?”

Jess sucked in a breath at the harshness of the words. “I never saw it as a problem, until that night. The running, it hadn’t really affected me before then. There’s more to it, though.”