You got to Me (Love on Tour #3) (17 page)

23

I was lying on the bed in the back of the bus, trying to catch up on some sleep. It should have been easy. The bed was surprisingly soft, the motion of the wheels beneath me as they rolled along the pavement, soothing. But there was too much space. I felt the empty air behind me, like a hollow spot that wouldn’t leave me alone. This was a very strange sensation for a claustrophobic to have. It made me wonder what was happening to my spatial awareness. How had it been so dramatically warped?

As if he’d read my thoughts from the front of the bus, Sam came down the aisle. I heard the curtain open and close. I felt the mattress move. Then Sam was there, his entire body pressed up against my back and legs, filling the void. His arm wound around my waist. He kissed the top of my head and tucked it under his chin.

“Are you sleeping?” he whispered.

“Hmmmm,” I moaned, in perfect contentment. “No. But I could now.”

Sam took one finger and gently stroked my arm, up and down, slowly. “It’s a pretty comfortable bed,” he said softly.

It was even better now that he was in it with me. “You know they’ve had this bus for a long time.”

“Yeah, Tony gripes about it. He thinks they should get a new one. And they can certainly afford it. But Sean and Hank don’t want to. I think it has sentimental value for them.”

“I bet Hank’s had a ridiculous amount of sex on this bed.”

Sam chuckled softly. “I’m sure you’re right.”

“I was wrong. He did change,” I admitted. “It’s silly, but I was holding on to this belief that people don’t change quickly. I guess it’s because when I was with Roger, I changed so slowly and steadily that I didn’t realize it until much later.”

Sam picked up a lock of my hair and ran it through his fingers. “That happens. Being with someone can change everything.”

“But when he left me, I changed like that.” I snapped my fingers, the way Sam had done the first time we discussed Hank and Bell.

“How did you change?”

“I got bitter, I guess, and pessimistic. I started to see the world in a darker way. I quit trusting people. My relationship with Dani probably suffered the most. We’d been so close before that. And I pushed her away.”

“But it’s better now,” he murmured. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. He knew it, and so did I. Everything was better now.

We lay there in silence for a few minutes. I was perfectly happy with the quiet moments with Sam. But, for some reason, I wanted to talk more. “Hard to believe Hank Tolk is getting married, isn’t it?”

“You think we’re having a hard time with it? The rest of world is freaking out.”

It was true. When the engagement had hit the papers, magazines, radio, and TV, it was all anyone could talk about. Some of those shitty rags had tried to make it sound like Hank was only marrying Bell to prove the rumors about him and Dani weren’t true. It was utter bullshit. I’d seen it with my own eyes. Hank was crazy in love with Bell.

“Do you think you’ll ever get married again, Lisa?” Sam startled me with his question.

“Probably not. I mean, I can’t have kids. And that’s why people get married, right?”

Sam moved behind me. It was sudden and jarring. He propped himself up on his elbow, so he could see my face better. “What?”

I shrugged.

“Lisa, people don’t get married just to have kids.”

“I guess some people don’t,” I admitted. I knew a few couples that were purposefully childless and happily married.

“People might get married and then have kids. But they don’t get married
to
have kids.” He was being very defiant. He almost sounded pissed off. “Roger really gave you a fucked up perspective on love, didn’t he?”

I didn’t want to argue. And I didn’t want to talk about Roger. “Okay, so tell me why people get married,” I suggested.

Sam lay his head back down on the pillow and snuggled closer to me. I grabbed ahold of his right hand and pulled it so that it was resting, palm up, in front of my face. I traced patterns with my fingers.

“People get married because they are in love, because they want to share a life together. They get married to be partners, to tie themselves completely to another person.”

“That sounds very nice.”

“I think it can be very nice.”

“I want kids, Sammy.”

“I know, sweetheart.”

“I’ve been thinking I’d adopt.”

“I think that’s a great idea, Leese.”

“So, that definitely takes out any future with marriage for me.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I want to adopt a child and love them with every single speck of my being. I want that child, or children, to feel like they are the best, most important thing in the world. And I won’t saddle them with a man who will never see them as his own.”

“Okay, wow. Let’s go back to the pessimism thing, because I don’t think you’re over that yet.” Sam took his hand away from me. He used both arms to gently roll me over so that I was facing him. Then he pulled me close again.

“You think that’s a bad way to look at it?”

“Jesus, yes. Lisa, why would you assume that you’d fall in love with a guy like that?”

I shrugged. “Everybody’s like that, Sam. I hear them all the time. ‘I could adopt, but I really want one of my own.’”

He stared at me. “I don’t think that’s true, Lisa. I don’t think it’s true at all. Maybe people want their own kid, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t a lot of men in the world who would be happy to adopt.”

“But it would be their only choice if they wanted to be with me.”

“What could possibly be better? To get you and a kid that needs love more than most. Sounds like heaven to me.”

I stared into his dark brown eyes. I felt something, something physical. It was like my entire body was humming. It felt like a drug was coursing through my veins. I didn’t move, I couldn’t. I just lay there, staring into Sam’s eyes and feeling this thing overtake me.

****

By the time we got to Las Vegas I knew I was screwed. From the moment I woke up that morning, all I could think about was that this was our last night. After this, we headed to L.A. As soon as the L.A. show was over, so were Sam and I.

I wasn’t stupid, and I wasn’t in denial. I knew exactly what was happening to me. I was completely in love with Sam. It was a thousand times worse than it had been with Roger.

I’d examined it a million ways the night before. I lay in bed, watching Sam sleep, and thinking through the problem from every angle. I was pretty sure that Sam loved me, too. But it really wasn’t the same. Sam fell in love all the time. He got hurt, he moved on. I was far less resilient.

Roger had nearly destroyed me. Sam would be far, far worse. I just wasn’t tough enough. I knew there was no fairytale ending to all this. I couldn’t be all Sam wanted. He was young, with a bright future ahead of him. Regardless of the amazing things he’d said on the bus the other day, he’d eventually realize that he was saddled with a barren old lady. And if I waited until that happened…

So I needed to break this whole thing off, end it for good. I would deal with the heartache, probably for years. Sam would be upset for a while, but then he’d move on. He’d find someone else, someone better for him. At least I would take comfort in the fact that he was happy.

It was before the show that night that I did the crazy thing. They were playing at a giant casino. I told Sean and Mike I was going to walk around the casino to get a latte at a coffee bar or something. They wanted Mike to go with me, of course. But I was stern. I put my foot down. I told them I wanted alone time and that I’d be back in half an hour. They reluctantly let me go.

I ended up in one of the bars. It was packed with people when I first walked in. I saw a table filled with groupies on one side of the room. I recognized a few of them. One, with short red hair, had been hitting on Hank the night before. Bell had gone toe to toe with her. I headed to the bar and sat down on a stool. The bartender made his way over to me.

“Hey there, gorgeous, what can I get you?”

“Something strong.”

“How about a Long Island iced tea?”

“Sounds good.”

He fixed my drink and brought it to me. “So, what’s a pretty girl like you doing here all by yourself?”

Really? I shrugged.

He leaned over on the bar toward me. “I’m Hank.”

Of course.

“Lisa,” I said. I took a long swig of the drink. It was strong.

“Lisa, you live here?”

“No, just passing through.”

“Hmmm, I was just passing through once, too. But I decided to stay.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, Vegas is where it’s at. I make good money. I have fun every day. And I get to meet girls like you.” He winked at me.

“Look, Hank, I’m not complaining about the attention, but isn’t it kinda busy in here?”

“Won’t be soon. There’s a rock concert here tonight, doors open in five minutes. This place is going to be a ghost town.”

I looked around. He was right. Everyone was finishing up their drinks and paying their bills.

“And besides, Bobby just got here to relieve me. Hey, Bobby,” he called to a guy who’d just walked in.

“So, you’re off the clock?”

“Yeah. I’m going to the concert. It’s Hank Tolk and Sean Rush. You ever hear of them? Sorry, dumb question. Everyone’s heard of them. Are you a fan?”

For some reason, being anonymous like this was fun. I got a sudden rush. I was talking to this relatively hot guy, he was hitting on me, and he had no idea who I really was. He didn’t know that I was divorced and infertile. He didn’t know that I’d once had an embarrassing crush on my sister’s husband, or that I became irrationally afraid when I was in tight places. And I was never, in a million years, going to fall in love with this tool.

“I know their music,” I said, noncommittally. I reached out, putting one finger on the back of his hand and stroked.

His eyes got wide. He looked like he was about to start drooling. “You wanna go to the concert with me?”

“I don’t know, maybe.” I tried to look coy and tempting.

It worked. “I don’t have an extra ticket. But with a girl like you, we shouldn’t have any trouble.” He looked me up and down. “Plus I know a couple of the guys working the gig. I’ll just settle up. Hang tight for a minute.”

I watched him walk toward Bobby. While I waited for him, I worked on my drink and tried not to think about how insane I was acting.

“Come on, baby,” he said a few minutes later, taking my hand and pulling me off the barstool.

I followed Hank through the casino. We approached the front doors of the concert hall. “Listen, just follow my lead, okay, and I’ll get you in.”

I nodded.

He pulled us in the line of people, looking around. But I spotted Raoul. He was one of a handful of security guys that accompanied us on the whole tour. While each venue provided its own security, Mike liked having them with us. He spread them out at the venues during the shows. There was always one of ‘Mike’s guys’ at the back door, and at least one at the front.

Raoul saw me, so I pulled Hank over to him.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“I’m going to check out the concert from out front.”

Raoul eyed me suspiciously. “Why are you walking in the front door?”

“This is one of Sean’s old friends. I met up with him in the casino, and I’m bringing him in.”

Raoul didn’t look like he believed me. He looked Hank up and down.

“Mike knows all about it,” I lied. “I figured he told you.”

He pressed his lips together. “Be careful.”

I grabbed Hank’s hand and plunged into the lobby. I knew Raoul would call Mike, and the jig would be up soon. But I was in this now, surrounded by thousands of people.

“Holy shit,” Hank said. “Who are you?”

“I’m nobody,” I said, tugging on his hand and making my way into the concert hall. “I want to be up front.”

“Okay, girl, I’ll get you up front.”

Hank pushed our way toward the stage. We made it pretty close. The thick rows of human bodies were about three back from the edge of the stage when we couldn’t go any further.

Hank put his hand on my waist and turned me toward him. “Are you some kind of super groupie or something?” he asked.

“Not exactly.”

“You know Sean Rush?”

“A little.”

“Wow, are you like his thing on the side?”

That pissed me off. “No! Sean doesn’t have things on the side!”

“That’s what they say, but you kinda look like Baby Rush, and if he was gonna…”

“No! I just know a couple guys, that’s all.”

I didn’t want to be here. This had been really, really dumb. Hank put his hand on my ass. I wanted to leave but I had no way out. I couldn’t make it back through all these people without Hank’s help. But, if I could get onto the stage, then I could get backstage, maybe without anyone ever knowing about my stupid stunt.