You Make Me (19 page)

“I’m sure mine will be perfect,” I boasted.

“Of course it will. You’re an absolute angel.”

I dutifully winged my arms and legs.

“Here, I’ll help you up.” Heath held out his hands for me.

I took them and he lifted me to a standing position. He put his hands on my waist and said, “Jump.”

I did, and he helped me clear the bottom of my snow angel. We stepped back to admire our work. Mine was small and delicate, shallow. His was deep and wild and aggressive. “I think yours is more snow devil. You’re right.”

“What can I say? Angel is not a natural state for me.” He took my hand and we started walking through the snow towards the rocks. “It’s no wonder no one ever wanted me. They took one look at me and said, ‘next.’”

“That’s not true!” I leaned against his shoulder. I knew that under his bravado it had always hurt him deeply that he’d never been adopted, never found a permanent home. “You know the court system is messed up. How many times did they put you back with your mother as a baby? There were probably plenty of families who wanted to keep you.”

He looked over at me, his expression serious and intent. “Just you. You’re the only one who ever wanted to keep me.”

That broke my heart at the same time it made me love him more. I wanted to make it all better for him, I wanted to take his pain into me and absorb it, make it disappear. “I’m so glad you came back,” I whispered. “But just so you know, I always kept you.” I touched my chest. “You were always here.”

“Then I never really left, did I?” He played with the ends of my hair. “You know you’ll never be free of me, don’t you? I’ll love you forever.”

“I’m counting on it.” My breath came out in a sigh, the steam as I exhaled mingling with the little puff his own breathing made. There were no words to let him know that he was everything, that he was the man I’d loved since the first moment I’d laid eyes on him.

“I hope you never regret that.”

“I won’t.” We walked along the coast, and watched the waves kicking up in angry, foaming caps, colliding violently against the rocks. The snow had stopped, but when I looked up at the sky I knew it was so gray that a genuine blizzard was coming.

Heath was looking at the sky too. “We’re going to have to go back on the next ferry aren’t we? Or we might get stuck here for a few days.”

“Yeah.” I stared at the ocean, troubled. I didn’t want to go back.

“Not that I mind getting stuck but I’m guessing you want to go to classes, right?”

“Yeah.” I didn’t want to ask but… “What happens when we get back?”

“What do you mean?”

I chewed my lip. “With us.” I was almost completely sure he wanted to be with me, but I needed to hear him say it. And I needed reassurance that we could be happy there, with gossiping students eyeballing us.

“Whatever you want, Cat. I know what I want. I want to be with you and everyone else can go fuck themselves.” He wasn’t using a teasing, joking tone. He was serious, expression intense. “But you tell me what happens.”

“I want to be with you, there’s no question of that.” I touched his cheek, then was sorry I did because my gloves were wet. Pulling it off, I used my bare skin to wipe the moisture off his cold cheek. “But maybe we can be, I don’t know, a little discreet for awhile so people don’t get pissed off.”

“You mean Frat Boy?” His jaw set and I suspected he was about to spew a few choice words.

“Aubrey, my sorority sisters, Darla… remember her? There’s no reason we need to just hurt people’s feelings.”

But he just shrugged. “She doesn’t matter to me.”

I stared at him. I knew why he was the way he was. It was a defense mechanism for him because of the way he’d been raised. He’d had to look out for himself and didn’t give his trust easily. But that didn’t make it okay to dismiss other people’s feelings so casually. “Sometimes you can be very cruel. I’m glad that you love me because I think it would be really painful to have feelings for you and not have them returned. You would make me feel stupid for loving you, wouldn’t you?”

Heath scoffed. “I’m cruel? Why should I give a shit about people who don’t give a shit about me? Fakers and users and hanger ons. That’s all they are. Not worth my time or mental energy.” He shook his head. “And you shouldn’t worry so much about what other people think.”

“I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“Fine. We can be discreet. Or you can be discreet and you can find me when you want to see me.” He started walking towards the house, his strides hard and quick.

“Heath…” I hadn’t meant to make him angry, but I still didn’t think there was any reason to be a bitch and shove my relationship with Heath in Ethan’s face. “I’m not talking about forever, just for a few weeks until everyone has chilled out.”

“I agreed, didn’t I? Don’t keep talking about it, Cat, or I’m going to get annoyed.”

“You’re already annoyed.”

“No. I’m hurt. There’s a big difference.” He bounded up onto the porch and opened the door. He held it open for me, his gaze looking right past me to the yard.

“Hey,” I murmured, coming to a stop in front of him. “Look at me, love.” I took his head with my hands and forced him to look down at me. “We have forever to be together, right? We don’t need to be assholes to people who probably genuinely care about us. But that doesn’t diminish in any way how I feel, do you understand?”

He nodded, but he was still stony-faced.

“Then smile for me. Show me your dimples.”

“I don’t have dimples.” But he did give me a begrudging half-smile.

“Yes, you do.” I kissed one. “Right here.”

I slipped past him into the house but he pulled me to a stop. I looked back at him in question.

“You make me better, you know that? I’m a fucked-up human being, but you make me better. Promise me if I don’t make you happy, you’ll toss me aside, no matter how much pressure I put on you. Because even though I can be selfish, all I really want is for you to be happy.”

The smile fell off my face. A chill went through me that had nothing to do with my wet jeans and wet hair. “Are you asking me to break up with you? We’re barely back together.”

“No! No, of course not. But I’m saying if you ever need to, be strong and do it. I don’t want to hold you if you’re not happy.”

“I’m happy.” I knew that his insecurities were rooted in different causes, but ultimately we both had the same fear- that the other would leave. It was my fault for asking for discretion. I should have just directed it that way, without saying it out loud. I’d made him defensive and I felt bad for that. “I thought you might never be in my life and here you are. I’m happy, Heath, believe me.”

“I’m more familiar with living with anger,” he admitted. “I’m not sure I know how to trust happy.”

“You don’t have to trust happy. You just have to trust
me
.” I laced my fingers through his. “Do you trust me?”

He nodded. “I had to trust guys in the military with my life and this is actually harder. But I trust you.”

“I trust you, too.” I trusted in his love. I trusted in my love. I trusted that if any two people were meant to be together, it was us.

Heath and Cat. Cat and Heath.

Just like I’d written in my diary. Just like our tattoos. I turned his wrist over and traced the infinity symbol etched there. “Endless. Eternal.”

On the ferry on the way back to the mainland we sat together, staring out at the bay, hands tightly clasped. I leaned against Heath, enjoying his strength, his solidness.

The ferry operator watched us. Of course I recognized him, but I wasn’t going to say anything. Eventually, he walked over though and gave us a nod. “Hey. Didn’t expect to see you two here.”

“Hey, Marty.” He’d been one of my brother’s best friends in high school, but he and Brian had had a falling out after Marty’s girlfriend had gotten pregnant and they’d married. I didn’t know the full story. “How are you?”

“Can’t complain. What are you up to? Still going to school?”

“Yes.”

Marty adjusted his knit cap and studied Heath. “Were have you been hiding?”

“Afghanistan. Marines.”

“No shit? Well, good for you, brother.” There was a grudging respect on his face. “Glad you made it back safe.”

Heath nodded in acknowledgement.

“How’s your baby?” I asked politely.

“Good. She’s three.” He pulled out his cell phone and showed us a picture of a toddler wearing head to toe pink.

“Aw, she’s adorable.”

“Thanks. Tell Brian I said hey.”

“Brian and I don’t talk,” I told him, figuring there was no reason to lie about it.

He nodded. “Probably a good idea. Take care of yourself, Cat.”

“Thanks, you, too.”

“And for the record, I was never one to believe what they said about you two.”

That caught me off guard. “What did they say?”

“Oh, you know.” He looked uncomfortable, sorry that he’d brought it up. He looked at Heath, then down at the floor before back to me. “That there was a restraining order and whatever.”

“Against Heath?” I asked, now really surprised. “Of course not. We’ve never even had a fight. That’s totally stupid.”

“Well, like I said, I didn’t believe it.” He waved and moved back to the other side of the ferry.

“That was weird,” I said, cuddling up closer to Heath.

“Marty’s weird,” was his opinion. “But harmless.”

“I wonder if Tiffany knows anything about those rumors.” We had stopped at her house and said a quick goodbye before catching the ferry. It was snowing again, and the boat was rocking hard. Anyone not used to it probably wouldn’t be enjoying the sway and pitch. I didn’t mind, though I wished we’d had more time alone.

“I don’t think it really matters one way or the other.”

“You don’t care that people think I needed protection from you?”

He gave me an amused look. “Baby, people have been thinking the worst of me since birth. All I care is what you think of me.”

“Well, I think you’re awesome sauce.”

Heath laughed. “Oh, God. Don’t ever say that out loud again.”

I leaned over and whispered loudly, “Awesome sauce.”

“You’re damn lucky you’re cute.”

Now it was my turn to laugh. “I think I’d prefer to be beautiful. But considering I haven’t brushed my hair in two days, I’ll settle for cute.”

But he stared at me so seriously, so intently, my breath caught. “You are beautiful. I love the way you look right now, your hair everywhere, no makeup. You have eyes that hold me so tightly I could fight for the rest of my life and I’ll never escape.”

He had a way of drawing me to him and holding me there with his words, and I knew exactly what he meant. I was trapped too, caught in the depth and intensity of our passion. “There’s no escape for either of us.”

I didn’t want there to be.

Chapter Sixteen

We had to drive back to Orono separately because I had Aubrey’s car, but I didn’t mind. I took the roads in the snow at a leisurely pace, feeling a range of emotions that I wasn’t particularly anxious about. I just let them slide over each other, one at a time, layering sadness, excitement, fear, love, homesickness. None all consuming, but all valid.

I kept the radio on, but low, as a background hum, and when I parked on the street by the sorority house I was feeling peaceful. That lasted about as long as it took to walk to Aubrey’s room. I knocked and smiled when she opened the door.

“Hey.” I held the car keys out for her. “Thanks for letting me borrow the car. I really appreciate it.”

“You’re back sooner than I expected.” She took the keys and sat down at her desk, which was littered with soft drink cans. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” I dropped down onto the edge of her bed, a smile creeping over my face that I tried to contain. “It started snowing pretty hard so I figured I needed to get back before I got stuck out there.”

“Sometimes I forgot you’re from an island. It seems weird that I’ve never seen where you grew up.”

“There’s not much to see, trust me.” My boots were snowy, so I kicked them off. “So… have you seen Ethan?”

“Yeah. He’s in bad shape.” Aubrey tilted her head. “You look okay, though. In fact, you look, I don’t know. Giddy.”

A blush creeped over my cheeks. “What? Why would you say that?”

Understanding dawned on her face. “Oh, my God,” she breathed. “You met Heath there, didn’t you? You went right back to hometown hottie.”

I wasn’t sure how to answer that. “We’re friends.” It was a non-answer and she knew it.

“So you keep saying. But be honest- did you have sex with him?”

Nodding, I tried to think of words to explain. I didn’t want to lie to my best friend, not after our conversation about being honest, no matter what. “He understands me, he knows me. Before Ethan there was Heath. So while I didn’t plan it, I don’t think it’s that surprising that I would want to talk to him when I was upset.”

“Talking is one thing. But having sex is another.” She shook her head. “I mean, you and Ethan were engaged! And a day after you break it off, you fuck someone else?”

It made me angry that she made it sound so cheap, so slutty. “Ethan broke up with me,” I said, firmly. “He asked me to choose between him or a friendship with Heath. I chose Ethan. Immediately. I didn’t even hesitate. Yet he broke up with me anyway. So I don’t see why I’m the villain here.”

She stared at me. “Ethan is my brother and he’s devastated by your break up. If he went out and got loaded and banged some chick, I would support you in calling him a douchenozzle. Because while even though I feel a ton of sympathy for him that would be a dick move. Sleeping with Heath is a dick move, Caitlyn. You could at least have waited until after you changed your relationship status online.”

Part of me thought she was right. And part of me thought she just didn’t understand. That no one would ever understand Heath and me.

“I’m not trying to hurt Ethan,” I protested. “This has nothing to do with him. If he hadn’t broken up with me, I would be with him. I was happy with him. But you have to understand, Aub, Heath and I…”

“You’re what? Soulmates?” She snorted. “Why do I feel like that’s just the ultimate excuse to be selfish and melodramatic?”