You Should Smile (13 page)

I glanced as he ran down the hall to grab a condom from his room.  When I heard the sounds of his footsteps returning, I moved my arms out in front of me across the table and lifted my ass up toward him.  “What are you going to train me for this time, Pickup Grinner?”  I breathed.

His voice was deep and husky, as he stuck his finger inside me and slowly moved it back and forth to get me wetter.  “I’m going to train you in the art of doggy style, Smiles.”

Then, he fucked me – hard – over his kitchen table. 

Just as he’d proposed, we “fucked” the rest of the day – in the shower, on the couch, in the bed, in the kitchen again….We couldn’t get enough.  We stopped to eat lunch and dinner, of course.  They never show that part in the movies, do they?  In real life, though, you still have to eat something in-between the sexy times.     

After dinner, we decided to take a break and try to watch a movie.  I approved of his movie collection.  (We didn’t have Netflix back then.  You had actual DVD collections that took up entire shelves…..)  It was perhaps a little heavy on the action flicks, but I’ve learned that those with penises need action movies like those with vaginas need a sappy romance now and then.  It’s in the hormones or something. 

That’s sexist, isn’t it?  I shouldn’t stereotype like that, but in my own experiences, there was a lot of truth to what I was saying.  You can judge me if you want. 

I let him pick and closed my eyes in fear.  “Okay, what is it?  Please no Stallone…..”

He laughed and put the DVD in, saying, “I think you’ll like this one.”

I looked up hesitantly and saw the DVD cover was for the
Triangle
movie he’d told me about when we first met. 

“Nice!  I’ve wanted to see this since that day you told me about it.”

***************

At that moment, his doorbell rang.  I grabbed the blanket and pulled it up over my legs, his t-shirt loosely covering the rest.  He got up and opened the door.

There she stood.  Her.  The woman who would try to ruin my life.  The worst evil, horrible character from the movies you could possibly imagine.

He stepped back abruptly.  The surprise was evident in his voice, as was the disdain.  “Gina,
what
are you doing here?”

She smiled sweetly.  “I was just going through some old boxes and came across some of your things.  I thought maybe you’d want them back.  I got your address off the faculty directory.”  As she held up a box full of stuff, I took her in.  She was beautiful.  Tall, skinny, fashionable.  Her clothes reeked of money and style.  She looked like one of those people who walked the streets of New York City, like they belonged in the pages of some fashion magazine and just cascaded along the city streets, intimidating everyone else with their above normalcy.  I was instantly sick to my stomach, not to mention feeling inadequate in Thad’s oversized t-shirt and my rat’s nest ‘sex hair’.  I’m sure I looked fantastic.     

She noticed me, of course.  Glancing beyond Thad, she forced her fake, plastered-on smile my way, but even she couldn’t control the flash of jealousy in her eyes.  “Why, hello.  I don’t think we’ve met.  I’m Gina….”  Fake smile again.  “So sorry to bother you all….Thaddeus and I, we go
way
back….”  Her artificially white teeth gleamed. 

I was so tired of girls like her and their games.  And….
Thaddeus
?  A wave of fury went through me because I didn’t even know his full name!  How ridiculous was it that I didn’t even know his full name?!  Why didn’t I know it?!  Insane amounts of jealousy hit me because I realized that she
did
know him better than I did in some ways – and that hurt, but damned if I’d let her know that.  That’s exactly what she wanted. 

I was about to respond, when Thad looked over at me and shook his head forcefully.  He put his hand up, silently telling me to “stop”.

She smirked, evil eyes dancing.  “Does she always do what you say, Thad?  I didn’t realize you liked the submissive ones….”

His jaw went rigid as he violently grabbed the box from her hands.  I could see that he was on the edge of rage.  “Don’t ever fucking come here again! You need something, you go through campus mail. 
Don’t test me on this, Gina
,” he bit out.  Her face went tight and she was about to say something when he slammed and locked the door in her face.

He faced the closed door for a palpable moment, which seemed like hours in my mind.  Finally, he turned around to look at me, anguish in his eyes.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t think about the faculty directory…..”  He grabbed his hair with both fists and paced.  “It was like she knew you were here.…She knows what you look like now.….”

I didn’t understand what the big deal was.  She saw me, so what?  “She doesn’t know who I am.  She doesn’t know I’m your student.”

He stomped over to the couch and sat down, head still in hands.  “Doesn’t matter.  She’ll find out.  She’ll ruin you….”

“FUCK!!!!!!”  He slammed his fist on the coffee table and the sound resonated throughout the room.  Then he grabbed the glass sitting there and heaved it against the wall.  The glass hit the wood with an echoing clang, breaking into a million tiny pieces that cascaded across the hardwood floor. 

It might as well have been my heart.  I knew he got angry, but I’d never seen him like this.  He was a violent storm of emotions, a volcano erupting before my eyes.  I didn’t even recognize him.  And when I thought back to his name again, I thought maybe I didn’t really know him at all.

Then he said three words.  They were just three little words, but not the three you usually want to hear.   No, these three simple little words carried a powerful, painful punch.

“You should leave,” he whispered. 

My heart.  It froze.  Ice went through my veins.  A bitter laugh emanated from within.  “Yeah, I probably should…..” 

I went to the bedroom and changed quickly, grabbing my things, and pulling out my pass for the underground.  My underwear.  They were still on the kitchen floor, ripped.  Fuck it.  I’d go without.

When I came back into the living room, he still sat on the couch, looking down, defeated, deadened. 

“You push me away, Thad, and she wins,” I said aloud to him.

He looked up at me, tears in his eyes.  His voice was barely a whisper.  “I can’t do this to you anymore….Your whole life could be ruined…..I’m sorry….”

I wanted to cry.  I wanted to, but I was still too stunned I think for it to set in yet.  I was mostly just surprised and angry.  Then I said something I’ll regret forever.  Always.  “You’re nothing like your grandfather,
Thaddeus
…..You’re a fucking coward.” 

With those words, I walked out of his house – and that part of his life.

You know that part of the movie where the heroine has her heart broken and she still has to go on living?  Wait, that’s real life, isn’t it? 

The sun still came up the next day.  That’s always the funny thing about life.  The world just keeps on going on around you, while inside you are broken.  Lost.  Aching. 

In the movies, when the heroine is upset, her sadness is always relieved by a pint of ice cream or wine.  It always seems to glorify the pain – as if eating or drinking can just make it go away.  In real life, though, those things only serve to numb the pain a little, numb it just enough to make it bearable.  In the case of alcohol, the movies never show you launched over the toilet or waking up with a hangover.  In real life, it’s a vicious cycle – you wake up in pain from the hangover, but the heartbreak is worse than the hangover.  The only way to feel numb again is to start drinking again. 

I knew it wasn’t healthy to turn to vices to deal with pain.  It’s just that in the coldest realities of real life, sometimes the pain was just too hard to bear on my own.

The days went by and I didn’t hear a word from him.  I’d sometimes look down at my phone, willing a text to come….but it never does, does it?  He was really gone.  An ache that held no pity filled my chest as I tried to make it through each day.  Taking a shower seemed like a monumental task.  Brushing my teeth seemed trivial.  The thought of eating made me want to throw up.  On that fourth morning without him, though, I made myself get out of bed and get ready.  I had to go up to the department to do some work.  I had no choice.  Life kept going on whether I was ready for it or not.

I prayed silently on the way up the elevator that I wouldn’t see him.  I reached our floor and offices without seeing anyone and I was grateful for that.  I breathed a sigh of relief.

I’d been in the grad student computer lab working for a while when Melissa trounced in, singing some annoying pop song.  I gave her a hollow “hello” in return to her cheery greeting and went back to my research.  I laughed to myself at the thoughts she must’ve had about me.  I knew I looked terrible.  Dark circles under my eyes, no makeup.  Hair up in a sloppy bun.  Cargo pants and a wrinkled t-shirt.  I just didn’t have the energy to care about my appearance that morning.  I wanted to laugh and say, “Hey, you should’ve seen me yesterday.  Today’s a big improvement.  I took a shower!”  I didn’t even have the energy to do my usual awkward joking, though.  Not then.

After about ten minutes, I heard her shrill voice.  “Hey, Shay…” and I turned toward her.  She was sitting a few computers over from my own.  We were still the only two people up there.  Her eyes held mischief.

“Yeah?”  My voice came out as a whisper. 

“Guess who I saw today in the cafeteria?”  She rolled her chair out from her desk to face me, smiling broadly.

I sighed noticeably.  I really didn’t care who she saw.  “Who?”

“Thad…..having lunch with Dr. Vianca.  They looked pretty close.  Too close, I thought…..I think they’re bangin’.”  Her eyes gleamed with gossipy glee.

Tears pricked my eyes and I knew I was going to cry, so I held my hand up in an effort to stop any more stupid words from coming out of her stupid mouth.  Dr. Rebecca Vianca was around Thad’s age and another professor in the psychology department.  As far as I knew, she was single.  Everyone knew she was gorgeous, though.  And I mean Italian supermodel-type of gorgeous.  College guys took her classes just so they could stare at her.  Half of them forgot to even take notes.  I was sick.  I needed to throw up.  I was mostly sick about the fact that Thad could move on so easily, it seemed.  How could he?!  How is it possible that I could barely breathe and that asshole could just walk around like it’s a random Tuesday lunch date?  Why couldn’t he hurt like I did? 

She actually looked sympathetic then.  “Oh shit.  I’m sorry.  I…..”

I felt the horror of her knowing about my feelings for him.  I couldn’t let her think that.  I had to think quickly.  “No.  It’s okay.  My uh…..my dog died yesterday.  It’s been hard…..thinking about my…..uh....dog.…Harry.  Yeah, Harry.  Harry was a great dog.”

She nodded, seeming content with that explanation.  “I’m so sorry to hear about Harry, Shay.  I love dogs.  That’s a bummer.”

“Yeah, a real bummer.  Harry was a special dog.”  I hurriedly shut off my computer and grabbed my bag.  “I gotta go.  I’m supposed to meet with the vet to talk about burial and all that….for Harry….my dog….”

I couldn’t run fast enough out of that building to the safety of my apartment – and my wine glass.  When I got there, I raised a glass to toast the memory of Harry.  May he rest in peace.

***************

On day five of post-Thad, after ignoring texts from Grant and avoiding the office, I heard a pounding on my door.

“I know you’re in there, Princess.  I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m worried about you.  Let me in or I’ll scream bloody murder….”

Still, I lay there on the couch, in my pajamas, watching old romance movies.

“Alright, then.  You asked for it………..AAAAHHHHHHH!!!  HELP ME!!!!” Grant’s screams echoed throughout the stairwell and hallway.  I thought my mirrors were going to break.  I stumbled off the couch and opened the door, pissed off.

“The neighbors are gonna call the cops now, asshole.”

“There’s my Princess.”  Without being asked in, he rushed by me and stepped in the living room.  “What’s going on?  You never ignore my texts and I was worried about you.”  He then took turns slowly glancing at my sweats, then my hair, then the movie, and then the wine glass.  “Oh shit.  What happened?”

It just spilled out.  I couldn’t hold it in anymore.  I was tired of the lies, the shame, the hurt, the pain.  It was as if it had all been held inside a dam that had finally broken loose – the kind of dam that breaks and ravishes entire towns and villages, leaving nothing in its wake. 

I sat down and told him everything – the truth about Thad and me, all of it.  Gina.  Thad’s “break-up”, what Melissa had said…..When I was finally finished, I wiped the tears streaming down my face and sucked down a huge gulp of the wine, sniffling loudly.

Grant sat down on the couch beside me.  “Oh, Princess.  What a pickle…..I knew something was going on with you two.  It was written all over your faces.  I never said anything to anyone, I promise, but I did see it….and this Gina chick.  She sounds terrible….”  He shuddered.  “Look, I can’t say I agree with Thad’s bizarre thought process, but he apparently thinks he’s doing it for your own good.”  I started to speak and he cut me off.  “I know you don’t see it that way and I don’t blame you.  I’m just trying to offer another explanation…..”  He sighed.  “And I just don’t see the Dr. Vianca thing.  He’s a hot guy and all, so he could get new ass if he wanted, but that’s a major dick move.  I just don’t see him pulling that type of shit….” 

I took another sip of wine.  “You mean you haven’t talked to him?” 

He shook his head.  “He won’t answer my texts either.  I thought the two of you had disappeared and run off together……or something….”  He trailed off, realizing it probably wasn’t the best time to say that.

I let it go.  “You know what really bothers me the most, Grant?  It’s that he gave up so easily because of that psycho.  I don’t care if he thinks it’s better for me.  He gave her what she wanted.”

“I know, Princess.  I know.”