Your Eyes in Stars
Read Your Eyes in Stars Online
Authors: M. E. Kerr
A Novel by
M. E. Kerr
F
OR
P
ETER
D. S
IERUTA,
FRIEND AND FELLOW WRITER
I DIDN’T BELIEVE anyone was actually afraid of the prison.
I’LL NEVER FORGET meeting her that first afternoon, the little…
MOVIES IN THE cellar at Holy Family were frantic affairs…
IT WAS A grim movie about the World War, the…
“HIS NAME IS Slater Carr,” my father said. “All we…
IN COASTAL GEORGIA if you seemed crazy or you did…
SINCE OUR ARRIVAL in Cayuta, my father had ruled over…
CONTRARY TO MY mother’s prediction, Elisa and I became fast…
MISS PURRINGTON STARTED him on the drums because that was…
ELISA AND I were as unalike as grapes and walnuts.
A GOOD MANY Cayutians had summer homes on the lake.
AT FIRST WARDEN Myrer and the prisoner didn’t talk, just…
ELISA TOOK THE kitten.
WHEN THE WARDEN’S daughter was not home, Carr could go…
THE FOURTH OF July, Richard showed up alone for the…
WE HAD TO sit in our seats until the entire…
HE’D FIND HIMSELF singing the same song over and over,…
IT WAS EARLY Saturday night, warm the way July evenings…
EARLIER, ELISA HAD come by on Gertie Sontag’s bike and…
MISS PURRINGTON ALWAYS told Slater Carr she knew him like…
IT WAS SUCH a scorching end of July, people were…
THERE WAS NOTHING in particular to see. The Sontags’ same…
MY MOTHER, RED-FACED, sitting in one of the Sontags’ stuffed…
Hello after a long time. I have gotten over my…
DILLINGER SLAIN IN CHICAGO; SHOT DEAD BY FEDERAL MEN IN…
GOOD EVENING, MR. and Mrs. America, from border to border and…
In case I should not be around much longer, I…
THE HALLOWEEN PARADE would begin on Genesee Street at three…
THAT AFTERNOON MY mother called up to us, “Jess? Elisa?
You may remember that when I gave you the yellow…
WHAT WAS MR. Joy doing? After Slater shoved the jacket of…
“DO YOU HAVE the radio on, Richard?”
BEFORE WE KNEW it, the Stadlers were gone, evacuating with…
“WHAT IS PURR doing here?” my father wanted to know…
FOR TEN YEARS I thought of Elisa, wondering what happened…
JESSIE MYRER
I
DIDN’T BELIEVE
anyone was actually afraid of the prison. When kids were little, along with spankings, they’d get warnings they were going to end up there if they didn’t behave. But nobody in town really feared the place. That’s what I thought.
You saw the prison before you saw the town. It looked like a fort sprawled across eighteen acres on Retribution Hill. It was a small city itself, surrounded by a wall thirty feet high and ringed by guards in sentry boxes at the top. They were ready with high-powered rifles. But after my father became warden, townspeople commented that it seemed more like a prep school than a penitentiary. The black-and-white striped uniforms were changed to light-blue ones. The prison band named The Blues became famous in Cayuta County, often appearing in public at
Joyland Park in Cayuta or during local parades down Main Street. More and more people didn’t say
the prison
; it began to be called The Hill.
All the other kids who had fathers or mothers working at the prison went four years to Cayuta High West and took courses like Shop and Motor Repair, Typing and Shorthand. At Cayuta High East, where my brother and I were sent, we learned Latin and geometry, French and English composition. After High West you got a job; after High East you went to college.
Three years before, when we first arrived in Cayuta from Elmira Reformatory, my mother reigned over the wives of guards and groundskeepers like a queen. It took her a while to realize this town was different. Prison people weren’t high-class. In this town she wasn’t royalty of any kind in the eyes of the community. She was nothing, though she herself had said sometimes she felt like “next to nothing,” never missing an opportunity to take a step up.
My dad was not a golfer, and he wasn’t a sailor, so we Myrers weren’t members of the country club or the yacht club. Oh, that wasn’t the only reason we weren’t. Both my brother and I realized that, and so did my mother. If my father was aware of it, it didn’t faze him.
At High East, my brother, Seth, had no problem getting
along since he had a build for both basketball and football. He also had a fan, one of those kids who trailed after him and was the only other person in town besides my mother who cut out of the newspapers all the write-ups about him on the sports page of
The Cayuta Advertizer
. His name was Richard Nolan, and he was my buddy too. We hung out at lunch, eating our sandwiches in the parking lot or on cold days on the stairs near the gym.
Sometimes when Richard was sick or had to go to the orthodontist in nearby Syracuse, New York, I’d walk down Retribution Hill and eat lunch at home.
I’d tell him, “Mother thinks I won’t eat in the cafeteria because the Chi Pis snub me.” I called those sorority girls the Cowpies.
“Tell her you’re just not gregarious. That’s a good word, gregarious.”
Richard could always tell you what you were or weren’t; he prided himself on being a wordsmith.
Rumor had it that J. J. Joy, president of Chi Theta Pi, had called me “tacky” and fought for a 100-percent blackball of me. She’d said I should have gone to High West with others like me.
Richard blamed her blackball of me on her father’s rule that she could not date until she was seventeen.
“It’s made her bitter and mean,” he said.
Over and over Richard and I would moan to each other:
“What’s to become of us?” Richard wanted to be a writer, which his father said was “a limpwrist ambition.” Seth said
limpwrist
meant “effeminate,” and Richard should ask his father how effeminate he thought Rudyard Kipling was or Jack London…. Still, I didn’t have a clue what would become of me. Maybe I would end up living with my parents like Marlene Hellman, and everyone talked about it. Everyone called her Mayonnaise and said she would always be a child, even though she worked at the telephone company and was a champion bridge player.
I had just finished writing in my diary: “Suicide would be the answer if it wasn’t so hard and painful to do.” I didn’t really mean it. I hadn’t even figured out a way to do it. But it gave me a certain satisfaction to record the thought. Diaries aren’t meant for good tidings.
That was the day and the very moment when everything about my boring life would change. This was when my mother called up to me, “Jess? Our neighbor Elisa Stadler is on her way up to your room.”
The emphasis was on the last name, Stadler. It was a new name to my mother, and already the sound of it was filled with awe and portent.
I’
LL NEVER FORGET
meeting her that first afternoon, the little sideways grin on her face, the sparkle in her eyes as though we were friends who got a kick out of each other, even though we hadn’t yet spoken.
The Stadlers were the only family from Germany in our small town. There were the Schwitters, of course, but they had lived so long on Lakeview Avenue they were considered Cayutians. Unlike any other in Cayuta, their house was enormous, hidden behind a wall, overlooking Cayuta Lake. Reinhardt Schwitter was the sole person that famous or rich who had ever lived in Cayuta. Maybe in the whole state of New York.
Despite the fact the Stadlers had been across the street since the week before Christmas, I hadn’t introduced myself.
“March yourself over there and welcome her to the neighborhood,” my mother would plead.
I was too shy. I was glad when shortly after that my mother did an about-face, mumbling something about certain people preferring to keep to themselves.
Sometimes I would hear Elisa Stadler’s phonograph at night, as though it were set down next to the window in her room, both the volume and the window up, but I had no proof of that. Elisa was fifteen, a year older than I was, and believed to be a snob by everyone at High East.
“I heard you have a push on John Dillinger,” Elisa said without so much as a hello, but the grin was a big smile now, a real white one. Good teeth. Dimples.
“What’s a push?”
“Don’t you have a smash on one of your gangsters?”
I bent double laughing. She would always affect me that way, make me see the fun of things, even when the joke was on her.
“A crush. You mean a crush,” I said. “John Dillinger isn’t one of my gangsters. He’s the main one. He was the most wanted until they caught him. If you came from this country, you’d realize how big he is!”
We stood in my bedroom under one of the wanted posters I had tacked to my wall. My brother, Seth, was struggling with some inner darkness that made him shun all that he had once cherished. He had given his gangster posters to me, even the ones of Bonnie and Clyde, which he had once hung above his desk in his room.
GET DILLINGER!
$15,000 REWARD
GET HIM
DEAD OR ALIVE
There were two photographs of John Dillinger, one facing front and one side view.
“He can put his shoes under my bed any day,” I said. It was something Seth used to say about the Hollywood star Ginger Rogers. She can put her shoes under my bed any day.
“Why would he put his shoes under your bed?” Elisa said.
“It’s just an expression. He’s sharp, so he’s sexy, so he can put his shoes under my bed any day.”
She shrugged. “Your Dillinger is very handsome but not to my taste.” Although she told me later that she had learned English almost as soon as she could walk, her
v
’s were always pronounced like
w
’s, and her
w
’s came out like
v
’s.
He is wary handsome
. Other things made me smile too. My last name came out of her mouth as
Mywah.
“Why isn’t Dillinger to your taste?” I asked.
“I don’t fancy criminals,” said Elisa.
It was well known at High East that the Myrer kids collected the wanted posters of famous outlaws. It was our little claim to fame. Both Seth and I had presented them at show-and-tells. I always kept one inside my locker, on the door. Dillinger was the current one. Of all of the gangsters, John Dillinger, famous bank robber, was my favorite and the easiest one to trade for a movie poster.
“Our whole country roots for Dillinger,” I said. “Everyone’s poor because the banks are taking away their homes, their savings, everything. My father says John Dillinger gets revenge for them.”
My father had said something like that, but not that. He would never make a criminal seem like a hero.
“I didn’t cross the street to talk about John Dillinger,” said Elisa Stadler. “I came to give you an invitation. You know Reinhardt Schwitter, don’t you?”
“I know who he is. Who doesn’t?”
“Mr. Schwitter is donating a film Holy Family Church will show to the community, in their auditorium. I’m going.”
“And?” I couldn’t believe I was being invited somewhere with Elisa Stadler after weeks of being right across the street without a hello. I had my hands on my hips, eyeing her suspiciously, but we were both somehow
amused by each other. We could see that in each other’s eyes.
“And I was wondering if you would go to see the film with me,” said Elisa.
I was in blue jeans with one of Seth’s old shirts worn outside. Elisa wore a plaid pleated skirt and red cardigan.
We were both blondes, but I was what was known as a dishwater blonde, and Elisa’s hair was the kind you saw in Halo shampoo ads. It fell to her shoulders, soft-looking, straight.
“What film is it?”
“It’s called
All Quiet on the Western Front
,” said Elisa.
“Never heard of it.”
“My father says it’s excellent.”
“Who’s in it?”
“He’s a new Hollywood star named Lew Ayres. I’ve seen a picture of him. If you think your John Dillinger is something, wait until you see Lew Ayres. Will you go with me Saturday night the twenty-seventh?”
“I don’t have any other plans,” I admitted. My “plans” were mostly things I decided to do a half hour beforehand.
I picked up a copy of
True Confessions
, to use as a fan and also to keep Elisa from seeing it. It was a magazine belonging to my mother. It promised weary housewives risqué stories of women running off with other women’s
husbands, lost virginity, and babies born out of wedlock. I had tucked it out of sight. I didn’t want Elisa Stadler thinking I read stories like “A Night of Rapture Ruined Me.”
Even though it was almost below zero outside, I felt warm and glad I’d had the magazine for a fan. Glad she was there, too, even though she made me slightly self-conscious. At High East, Elisa Stadler stood for glamour and sophistication. She wasn’t this great beauty. It was her accent, all the languages she could speak, and the foreign places she had lived. Elisa’s blue eyes met my own with confidence and curiosity.
I was still in my tomboy stage. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye for very long, unless it was Richard Nolan. I wore Seth’s vests and caps, and part of my act was to pretend that the last thing I would ever do in my entire life was join the Cowpie sorority girls after school at Hollywood Hangout. There they’d be, all of them, wearing their diamond-shaped pins, crowded into booths, ordering peanut sundaes and Cokes, playing the nickelodeon, swooning over the songs and the boys hanging out by the counter. I longed to be back in Elmira, where everyone knew my name, my dad was respected, and I’d planned to live my entire life.
“Where is your brother?” Elisa asked.
“He’s not home.” I should have said, “You’ll find him somewhere in front of a mirror.” This was around the
same time it had first registered with Seth that he didn’t look like other boys. He looked a lot better. It seemed to me that it had happened overnight. He had stepped into his own little world. He had even given me his scrapbooks filled with newspaper clippings of gangsters holding up banks, or gunning each other down, and sometimes being gunned down themselves.
In his early teens Seth had such hideous hickeys, he would cover his face with calamine lotion at night. Then, miraculously, the change when he was seventeen. “Seth?” I would say, feigning astonishment when schoolmates said he was “sharp.” But I knew what they meant.
“I better go home now,” Elisa said.
“Okay.”
“I’ll see you Saturday the twenty-seventh.”
“Okay.”
And that was how it all began.