You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice (4 page)

Eileen Burke
Provo, UT

Dear Eileen:

Your name is very old lady–ish. There hasn’t been a single Eileen born since 1935. In fact, the only Eileen I know is so old that her face is like a topographic map of the tribal regions of Pakistan. Also, as an old lady, maybe you can answer my question: Do old ladies really say “awesome”? Because there is nothing awesome about old age. Maybe nobody wants to be around you because all the other old ladies in your seniors’ aqua-aerobics class don’t understand your hip “lingo.”

Thanks a lot. You just made me feel sad.

Samantha

…

Dear Samantha:

A few months ago I went into a store and found a cape for a baby with a lightning bolt on it. I thought it was funny and talked about it for a few days to various uninterested listeners. A few days later I found a passage about baby capes in the book I was reading. This is a lot of baby capes in my face all at once. Do you think God is trying to tell me to wear more baby capes?

Sandra
Miami, FL

Dear Sandra:

All those other listeners were right. This is uninteresting. When will you people ever learn that this is the kind of thing that can only be discussed on a blog, along with the content of your dreams, and other things that make you ROTFLMAO. The only thing God is trying to tell you is that you should start taking life seriously and stop dressing like Blossom.

Samantha

…

Dear Samantha:

Why, to put it delicately, does the carpet not always match the drapes?

Gavin Katz
Woodbury, MN

Dear Gavin:

Oh my god, did I just wake up in a 1970s porno? Nobody lays broadloom anymore; it’s hardwood all the way. At the most you might put a runner down for a little traction, but that’s it. Your question is irrelevant. You’re like an adorable little anachronism. Did you type this question on your typewriter and send it in via pony?

Samantha

…

Dear Samantha:

I recently purchased some sea monkeys. On the booklet that accompanied the aquarium, it illustrates sea monkeys with the ability to dance, create government, and perform a plethora of other tasks. Unfortunately, my sea monkeys don’t do anything but float in the
aquarium. Is it outrageous to aspire for my pets to do things that other pet owners do with their pets?

Christopher M. Lippa
Brighton, MA

Dear Christopher:

You know what’s so weird? I had the exact same problem when I recently purchased a cat! I was totally expecting her to create government and dance around, but all she did was float in the aquarium. Pets are useless. I think I might get a kid instead.

Samantha

Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter

Dear Michael and/or Michael:

My fiancée’s father is pissed because I never asked him for permission to marry his daughter. But the last time I saw the guy, he took me aside and told me he was gonna slice my throat open the next time we were alone. Is there a polite way to make him feel involved in our wedding without giving him an opportunity to come after me with a hunting knife?

Scared Shitless Groom
Evansville, IN

Hi Shitless:

Sure, there are lots of ways to get on the old man’s good side without worrying about being gutted like a fish. My suggestion: make him your DJ. You might be thinking he could still come after you with a record needle, but rest assured, modern DJs usually use either compact discs or MP3s. There’s very little danger involved, unless you dislike the singer Vic Damone, in which case the danger is very high.

Michael Ian Black

Dear Scared Shitless:

Michael Black really isn’t the best authority on this sort of thing. His answer for everything is “Make him your DJ.” What do I get my doorman for Christmas? Make him your DJ. How do I convince my boss to give me a raise? Make him your DJ. But DJs can’t solve everything, Mike. Lucky for you, Shitless, I can relate to your specific situation. Funny story: when I proposed to my college girlfriend—well, before I proposed to my college girlfriend—I invited her father on an all-expenses-paid fishing tour of the Virgin Islands. Fantastic marlin out there. So, we’re out in the middle of the big blue, slugging back Coronas on this yacht I rented with the last of my scholarship money, sun’s setting, and I pull him aside and I say, “Dad,” and then he says—this is the great part—“Dad?” Really high-pitched and adorable: “Dad?” And I say, “Yeah. I want you to be my dad. Dad.” We’ve been best friends ever since. Girlfriend and I split that month, but Mr. Akers and I are as close as ever.

What was your question?

Michael Showalter

…

Dear Michael and/or Michael:

Who knew cashews were so high in carbohydrates? I mean, not like white-bread high but certainly higher than I thought. Are there any other foods deceptively high in carbs that might be sabotaging my diet?

Liz Fisher
Gaithersburg, MD

Dear Liz:

To answer this question fully and accurately, I’ll need a photo of you. And another of you eating cashews.

Thanks!
Michael Showalter

Dear Liz:

Please disregard my friend Michael Showalter’s coarse attempt at suavity. He cares little about the health ramifications of your cashew consumption. I, on the other hand, am concerned with your well-being. Now, I don’t know what you’re into, but jizz has a lot of carbs. People think sperm is just a great source of protein, and it is, but it’s also loaded with carbs. The twist? They’re the good kind of carbs. The baby-making kind.

Michael Ian Black

…

Dear Michael and/or Michael:

I went to dinner at my mom’s place last weekend and she served something called “chicken à la king.” I called her out on it. Isn’t that like when fast-food restaurants call their ketchup “fancy”? So anyway, I said to my mom, “Chicken à la bullshit,” and now she’s not talking to me anymore. What should I do?

Sandra
Grand Rapids, MI

Dear Sandra:

Take a step back: What if people told you that what you liked to eat was “bullshit”? You’d probably feel pretty insulted, too. I guess my question to you is, why are you all up in your mother’s shit? All she ever did was give birth to you and raise you the best she could. And then you turn around and throw it in her face. My advice: pick up the phone and apologize. You’ll be glad you did.

Michael Ian Black

Dear Sandra:

Have you considered waterboarding? But seriously, have you? I think about it all the time.

Michael Showalter

…

Dear Michael and/or Michael:

As I’ve gotten older, my skin has become more sensitive and breaks out very easily. I’ve heard that a skin care regimen might help, but I don’t have the attention span to slap on moisturizer every night. Is there an easier way to maintain youthful skin for us lazy girls?

Linda M
.
Baltimore, MD

Hi Linda:

Absolutely. My once-a-month never-fails skin care regimen is sure to keep your skin as clear and supple as a new contact lens. On the first day of every month, dip six to eight aloe leaves in a mixture of one part lavender, one part red wine vinegar, and two parts maple syrup. Affix those leaves to your “problem areas” with surgical tape and voilà! You’re done. Just keep those leaves where they are for the next four weeks until you’re ready to do it all over again. Even if it doesn’t clear up your skin, nobody will notice because you’ll have aloe leaves all over your face.

Michael Ian Black

Dear Linda:

Black does have a knack for beauty chemistry, but I’ve taken our shared talent a step further and merchandised my personal at-home remedy. Go on, try Black’s method—but what if you find your face still looks like a caprese salad? What then? You’re in luck. My brand-new patent-pending formula is hitting your pharmacist’s shelves as we speak: Michael Showalter’s Baby Boot
^™
. Made from the purest infant vomit, spit-up, and diarrhea, Michael Showalter’s Baby Boot
^™
both smooths lined, wrinkly skin and soaks up excess bacteria and pus. Just dab a generous amount of this unique night cream onto problem areas and smack on that lipstick, girl! Your friends and/or sexual partners will be too distracted by the glistening slime and offensive odor to notice your repulsive acne sores.

Good luck!

Michael Showalter

…

Dear Michael and/or Michael:

Can you substitute baking soda for baking powder?

Lauren M
.
Manhattan, KS

Hi Lauren:

This sounds like the kind of question a terrorist would ask.

Michael Ian Black

Dear Lauren:

I revert to my standard motto: “No Substitutions—Genuine Class.”

Michael Showalter

…

Dear Michael and/or Michael:

I’m almost seventy-four years old and my doctor just told me I have genital warts. How the hell is that possible? I was in the military and banged everything that moved, and I get my first STD when I’m old as dirt? That can’t be fair, can it?

The Colonel
West Palm Beach, FL

Dear Colonel:

You’re right. It’s not fair. And those who know Michael Showalter know that I am a staunch advocate of our men in uniform. That’s why I’m sponsoring the Veterans of Foreign Wars Gettin’ Freaky Act. This bill will mandate that Uncle Sam pay for that genital wart cream, the herpes antibiotics, the sex-offender rehabilitation courses—whatever it is that you need to keep on gettin’ freaky. It’s not a sexually transmitted disease—it’s a sexually transmitted solution.

Patriotically yours,
Michael Showalter

Hi Colonel:

Michael Showalter may say he supports old people, but his rhetoric ignores the cold hard facts: Michael Showalter just doesn’t like old people. I, however,
love
them, and I’ve thought long and hard about your query, Colonel. Maybe you sat on a very old toilet seat. That is the only possible explanation. (Vote Michael Ian Black for mayor.)

Michael Ian Black

Andy Borowitz

Dear Andy:

I shave my head but I’m not bald. Nobody seems to believe me. When did a shaved head become the new comb-over?

Alex Sullivan
Cedar Rapids, IA

Dear Alex:

You raise an interesting historical question: When did a shaved head become the new comb-over? Certainly not in 1979, when Persis Khambatta played the shiny-pated Lieutenant Ilia in the first
Star Trek
movie and ignited no speculation about the plentitude of her follicles. Nor was it in the eighties and nineties, which spawned such high-profile cue balls as Sinéad O’Connor and Vin Diesel. I think you have to jump all the way to the early part of this century for your answer: the suspicious midlife deforestation of Hollywood moguls Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen.

Andy

…

Dear Andy:

I had an abortion last year and made the mistake of telling my mother. She told me that if Mary had an abortion, there never would’ve been a Jesus. I thought about it later and realized she’s right. Long story short, my libido is gone. Any tips on how I can enjoy sex again?

Lindsay S
.
Denver, CO

Dear Lindsay:

Generally speaking, it’s hard to have an orgasm if you’re thinking about Jesus, Mary, and your mother. I mean, I’m sure your mother is sexy in her own way, but you shouldn’t be thinking about her if you’re trying to come anytime soon. It sounds like you need a surefire turn-on to get back in the game. Have you ever done a guy with a shaved head? Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll hook you up.

Andy

…

Dear Andy:

I do all of my reading on the toilet, and because I prefer big, beefy novels, I guess I spend more time on the pot than some might consider healthy. As a result of my excessive bathroom visits, I’ve developed anal fissures. My wife thinks this is a bad thing, but as I’ve repeatedly
reminded her, I’ll gladly endure a little rectal burning if it means finally finishing
Remembrance of Things Past.
What do you think?

Brad Gregerson
Greensboro, NC

Dear Brad:

I sincerely hope that Lindsay S. of Denver, CO, did not read your letter. She’s having enough trouble with her sex drive already without your planting these horrid images in her mind.

Andy

…

Dear Andy: