You're the One That I Want (10 page)

Dread filled me as I woke up on the last morning in Paris and realized we were still going to be taking a group trip to the Eiffel Tower. It was the last place I wanted to go – I didn’t want to be anywhere near it. It was hard enough knowing that my plan had failed, I couldn’t have faced Robert and Maddy canoodling up there in front of me and soaking up all the romance I thought would be there for me.

It seemed, for once, my prayers were answered.

As soon as our suitcases were packed and closed there was a knock on the door from Miss James, coming to tell us that due to torrential rain, she thought it best if we cancelled our Eiffel Tower trip, although she did promise to get the bus to drive right by it so that we could take some snaps.

I didn’t grumble or moan.

I was relieved.

Due to Maddy and Robert being busy sucking each other’s faces off as they said good morning, I was put in charge of getting us the back row of the coach on the way home. I purposefully failed to get it, which thankfully meant we had to sit apart. I managed to smile at them both as I suggested they sat together, telling them I was knackered and would probably sleep the whole way anyway. They agreed
and found a spot towards the back of the bus, obviously away from Miss James in case they wanted to continue to lock lips. Deciding to go towards the front of the bus, I sat facing the window, glumly watching the world pass me by.

I didn’t look when Miss James announced we were approaching the Eiffel Tower, with the warning to get our cameras out … I closed my eyes and tried my best to ignore the gasps of admiration coming from everyone else around me.

It was remarkable how differently I felt about the place within the space of just a few hours. Before that trip it had been the iconic objectification of love, as it was and is to millions of people around the world, but on that cold, wet and miserable morning, it became the symbol of devastation and despair – a representation of a lost love, of a squandered hope.

I couldn’t bear to be so close as it highlighted my failure and mocked me callously.

I was ready to pretend the whole thing hadn’t happened. I was hoping (rather foolishly) that Maddy and Robert would denounce it as some crazy holiday fling spurned on by the romantic setting, which they’d come to regret once we were home. But it didn’t happen.

The following Monday, when Maddy knocked for me on the way to school, I noticed there was something different about her. I couldn’t quite pinpoint it at first, I just noticed she looked glossier and more glammed up. Turns out she was wearing more make-up than usual. Not loads, the school would never have allowed that, but her cheeks were rosier from blusher, her lips were
smoother from balm and, to complete her look, her hair was perfectly placed, gliding over her shoulders in silky auburn waves.

‘You look nice,’ I offered.

She looked at the ground coyly, unable to stop a smile from forming.

It was for Robert, I realized with sickening clarity.

As we walked together in silence I could tell she was nervous about seeing him. Unless they’d met up without telling me, that morning was their first encounter following their Parisian love affair. I loathed having to be there for it, and wished I could have had the foresight to pull a sicky that day instead.

Once we knocked for him, they held hands straight away, confirming their couple status as Maddy bashfully smiled in my direction. I had no choice but to smile brightly back at her, like some crazily over-enthusiastic kid’s entertainer, before we silently continued our journey.

Once at school it was impossible to avoid the situation; even if they weren’t with me, it was all anybody wanted to talk about. Those who were in Paris wanted to share what they’d seen like it was some modern-day mythical tale, and those who weren’t wanted to know all about it – drinking up the details with surprise and awe as though it was the most romantic thing they’d ever heard.

Unsurprisingly, when I was with them it was worse. Walking around the school you could hear the whisperings of gossip as we passed – that and the sound of teenage hearts being crushed as they realized their heartthrob, Robert Miles, was off the market.

As soon as I walked through my front door that night, my mum was there, quizzing me about what had happened in Paris. She didn’t even give me time to take my school shoes off before words excitedly flew from her mouth.

‘Oi, you! Why didn’t you tell me about Robert and Maddy?’ she demanded. ‘Her mum called today and was saying how Maddy’s been non-stop talking about him since she got back – Carol said that Robert’s been the same!’

‘Oh, I just …’ I started with a shrug, leaning down under the pretence of undoing my shoelaces, but actually trying to hide my face, unable to keep up the cheery façade any longer. I had to let the smile that had been frozen to my cheeks all day drop. I was exhausted.

‘Who’d have thought it. I mean, I didn’t see it coming. I expect they look cute together, though …’

I burst out crying then, failed to hold it back any longer. Sobbed into my worn-out leather shoes as my mum awkwardly hugged me from above, letting every ounce of emotion I’d held inside me since their first kiss, the regret and sorrow, spill its way out of me. I couldn’t remember ever crying in that way before; even when my dad upped and left, it wasn’t as bad as that. It was like I’d lost all control.

Mum said nothing for a good five minutes. It must have shocked her to see her teenage son in such a fragile state, so different from the jovial, carefree child she thought of me as. She just held me tightly into her skinny body, rocking me from side to side, shushing me whenever a fresh sob bubbled out of me. How ridiculous.

‘Sorry, Mum …’ I mumbled, slowly uncurling myself, leaning against the hallway wall for support.

‘Don’t be daft. Want to talk about it?’ she asked, gently rubbing my arm.

‘It’s nothing. It’s just …’ I sighed as fresh tears sprang to my eyes, the loss of restraint irritating me. ‘I’m such a dick.’

‘Oi!’ she reprimanded, gently slapping me on the arm.

‘Sorry,’ I mumbled.

‘I get it, Benny,’ she said, placing her hand under my chin and raising my face so that I was looking at her. ‘You guys have been friends since you were little – three peas in a pod. You’re worried that if them two get together you’ll be left out. Or, if things go pear-shaped, like they did with me and your dad, that you might lose one of them.’

I hadn’t even thought of it like that, but I didn’t want to tell Mum the truth. I didn’t want to tell her that the possible love of my life had kissed our mutual best friend, and that because they had kissed it meant I was unlikely to have my own chance with her.

‘It’ll be okay, darling. You’ll see.’

‘Will it, though?’

‘Ben, sometimes life chucks these things in your way and you just have to go for it. No questions asked.’

‘Isn’t that what Dad did? Act on his feelings and not give a toss about us?’

‘Robert and Maddy aren’t your dad,’ she said calmly, not showing any sign that my words had hurt her, but that was Mum all over. She was, hands down, the strongest woman I’d ever known. She didn’t crumble when the love of her life walked out on her, she just got on with it. It’s only growing up that I realized she wasn’t really left with any other choice, she couldn’t give up – she had me
to look after. ‘They’re two young people, without any baggage, who’ve discovered they like each other,’ she continued. ‘Do you realize how brave it is of those two to do this?’

I looked down at the red rug on the floor, concentrating on the loose bits of fabric the cat had scratched up, willing the conversation to end so that I could go up to my room and sulk.

‘What they really need from you right now is your support, Ben,’ she sighed. ‘They don’t need you going all weird and making things harder.’

‘I wouldn’t do that …’

‘I know, I know,’ she said, grabbing my hand. ‘Just never doubt their love for you, because that’ll never change.’

I nodded my head and gave Mum a little smile. What else could I have done?

‘You’re coming with us tonight, right?’ asked Robert later on that week at lunch.

We were stood in the school corridor in a raucous queue outside the canteen, waiting for Maddy to join us after her food tech class.

A group trip to the cinema had been planned for weeks.
Bridget Jones: the Edge of Reason
had just been released and Maddy was adamant that we all go and embrace our feminine sides with a girlie film, insisting it was payback for us always making her watch countless action and sci-fi films. Before Paris I was quite looking forward to it, but now, the idea of watching a rom-com with the new lovebirds made me feel queasy.

‘Er …’

‘You could bring Kelly?’ he smirked, giving me a wink.

‘Naaaah …’

‘She really likes you.’

‘She’s not my type,’ I replied dismissively, looking ahead at the queue, willing it to go faster.

‘Didn’t look that way in Paris … it could be a double date.’

‘Look, if you guys want to go on your own I’ll totally understand,’ I offered, the words, ‘double date’ ringing in my ears as visions of them smooching the whole way through the film filled my brain. If that evening’s trip turned into being Robert and Maddy’s first ever date then that was the last place I wanted to be, especially as we’d be watching a rom-com – proper date material.

‘Don’t be daft.’

‘Well, it’s going to happen at some point – I can’t be with you every single time you’re alone together. I’ll be a proper gooseberry.’

‘What are you two talking about?’ asked Maddy, as she arrived and squeezed in between us.

‘Tonight and the cinema,’ informed Robert, raising his eyebrows before pulling her into him and planting a kiss on her forehead.

‘Ooh, have you asked him about Kelly?’ she said with a grin on her face as she looked from Robert to me.

‘Nothing’s happening with Kelly,’ I said, irritated that the pair of them had clearly talked and decided to couple me off with someone.

‘Why not? She’s nice.’

‘She’s not his type apparently – and, he was just about to bail on us.’

‘What? No way! You’re coming!’ she demanded.

‘But –’

‘I’ve been waiting for months to see this and haven’t once moaned when you two have dragged me along to your boy films.’

‘It’s a chick flick …’ I protested.

‘And?’

‘And you guys are on a date.’

‘Do you want to sit in the middle?’ she offered.

‘Erm …’ started Robert, a frown forming on his face at the very thought of it.

‘No!’

‘Because you can … if you want to.’

‘I don’t want to.’

‘That’s a relief,’ laughed Robert.

Maddy rolled her eyes at him, before smiling at me.

‘Ben, tonight is not a date.’

‘It is,’ tried Robert.

‘It’s not,’ she repeated, shooting a warning look in his direction. ‘It’s us three going to the cinema together as usual. Okay?’

‘Fine,’ I said, caving in. There was no way I could get out of the night without upsetting her and, despite my urge to get out of it, I didn’t want to do that.

‘But, it still could be a date,’ smirked Robert. ‘If you brought Kelly … please bring Kelly!’

‘Leave him alone,’ laughed Maddy, looping her arm through mine as we made our way into the canteen.

Robert wasn’t my first ever boyfriend (how I wish I could forget my brief, yet embarrassing, relationship with John Martin), but I instantly knew that he was going to be my first
proper
boyfriend. That we would be together for a long time, that he’d be the first boy I’d ever say ‘I love you’ to and that our being a couple would have a huge effect on both our lives. I think knowing that was what had made me so aroused by the whole thing.

The night we got back from Paris, I was up in my room reliving the previous night, dreamily hugging my pillow, unable to wipe the smile from my face yet again. I’d only been home about ten minutes or so when Dad shouted up the stairs that Robert was on the phone.

I sprinted down the stairs.

‘Hey …’ he purred when I picked up.

‘Hey, you,’ I said back as I curled myself into the corner of the hallway floor and coyly fiddled with the telephone cord, grinning to myself with giddiness.

‘I can’t stop thinking about you.’

‘You only saw me ten minutes ago,’ I laughed, relieved that I wasn’t alone in my thoughts.

We hadn’t really talked on the coach coming home, we were both shattered from our busy week and all the
excitement on our last night. Instead I’d tucked myself into Robert’s toned chest (yes, what a delicious treat), and we’d both slept most of the way. Okay, there was some more kissing too … but my point is there was not a lot of talking.

‘I miss you.’

‘Already?’

‘Yep.’

‘I’m sorry, who is this? What have you done to Robert?’

A gentle laugh came from the other end of the line, making a smile spring to my cheeks.

It’s surprising how content you can feel, even in a silence, and there was a lot of silence on that first phone call as a new sense of shyness fell over us both.

Eventually Robert attempted to get to the root of why he’d phoned, ‘I was calling because … I don’t want you to feel like you’re just … I dunno … just another girl … because, you know … you’re not like anyone else,’ he sighed. ‘You know I think the world of you. I really like you …’

‘Robert?’

‘Yes?’

‘What are you trying to say?’

‘Do you want to be my girlfriend?’ he blurted.

I cackled into the phone.

‘You’re not meant to laugh!’

‘But it’s you – you asking me that! Robert who’s known me forever, one of my best mates!’

‘And?’

‘It’s weird.’

‘Bad weird?’

‘No!’

‘What then?’

‘What if it all goes wrong?’

‘It won’t.’

‘How do you know that?’

‘Because I won’t let it,’ he said quietly.

I smiled into the phone.

From the tone of his voice I could tell he was smiling too when he asked again, ‘So, will you be my girlfriend?’

How could I possibly refuse?

After years of poking fun at the hoards of girls who swooned at Robert’s charms, I’d found myself giving up the fight and joining in. I was swooning, swooning bad! It was quite unsettling.

And so, as a result of that conversation and us becoming an official item, I knew the cinema trip had turned into our first date for Robert. At first I wanted it to be too, if I’m honest, but I was aware Ben was meant to be coming with us and that we couldn’t just ditch him or make him feel unwanted because we’d hooked up. I also knew about his little breakdown – mums talk, after all. June phoned my mum the next day, unsure of what to do – it can’t have been easy seeing her happy-go-lucky son crumble like that. I felt bad knowing about it, especially as I knew Ben would hate that I knew, but at least it meant I could try my best to make sure Ben wasn’t feeling left out or made to feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want him to feel like everything was changing. Our friendship group was always going to be the most important thing for me, and I didn’t want him questioning that.

I knew Robert would understand why we had to tread
carefully, but I decided not to tell him about Ben’s breakdown. Perhaps I should have done, then they could have had some awkward lad conversation and talked it all through, but I thought it would be cruel to talk about him behind his back. I just hoped I could balance everything enough to keep them both happy.

Obviously, that night in the cinema was a bit tricky to start with, but I wasn’t sure if that was because I kept looking for signs that Ben was uncomfortable. I thought he was at first – as he stood alongside us, waiting to buy tickets, he fixed his gaze on the surrounding posters of future films with an overly keen interest. I was sure he was doing it to avoid having to interact with us, but I couldn’t be sure.

I might have been trying to play it cool, but Robert clearly wanted us to act like a couple; he was extremely touchy-feely. He barely let go of me, continuously placing a hand around my waist or taking my hand in his. It was difficult, I didn’t want to just brush him off and leave him feeling rejected, that would have been a crap start to our relationship, but I didn’t want the whole thing to be thrust in Ben’s face either. I wanted it to feel normal.

‘I’ll get yours,’ Robert said as we got to the counter.

‘Oh …’

‘Thanks,’ joked Ben, managing a smile.

‘Nice try.’

‘You don’t have to get mine,’ I argued, putting my hand over the ten-pound note he was holding out to the cashier.

‘Er, yeah I do,’ he said, gently pushing my hand away. ‘That’s what boyfriends do. Get used to it.’

I looked up at Ben and gave him a meek smile, which
he winked back at before pulling out a fiver to pay for his own ticket.

The wink took me by surprise, it was confident and reassuring. After that he seemed to relax a little, although I wasn’t entirely sure why. Despite his initial outburst to his mum, it seemed as though Ben was feeling calmer about the whole situation. He even managed to joke around with us when we were eventually sat in our seats, saying things like, ‘I can hear you,’ when we were kissing, and, ‘You promised it wasn’t a date,’ which obviously killed the moment as it made us laugh, but I was thankful for the humour.

It was gorgeous being there with Robert, holding hands and kissing (when we could). I felt ridiculously comfortable and happy sat next to him, loving the new feelings passing between us and the warmth radiating from his body.

There was one awkward moment, though, which happened during the film – annoyingly, it could have easily been avoided if it wasn’t for our teenage lust. Needless to say, things heated up between us in that darkened cinema room, which resulted in Robert and me getting a little carried away. We’d completely given up watching the film – exploring each other’s mouths was far more interesting, as was Robert stroking my skin and his hand working its way up my top.

I’d wrongly assumed that Ben was preoccupied with the action onscreen.

He wasn’t.

Our groping did not go unnoticed. Instead, rather embarrassingly, Ben leaned over and asked for the popcorn
just as Robert’s hand had finally cupped hold of my boob. Rob flapped around for a few seconds trying to free his hand (which had become trapped under my bra), before handing over the snack with a shameful look on his face.

I almost died on the spot. It was like being caught by my mum.

We were all sitting in my lounge the following day, watching
Friends
on repeat. The weather had turned bitterly cold, and none of us could be bothered to walk to the High Street. Instead, we set up camp in our comfies and splayed our homework around us, languidly making our way through it. Both boys were on the sofa, while I was on the floor cutting out pictures of different types of bread for my food tech coursework, with little effort or thought put into it.

‘I think I’m going to ask Kelly if she wants to go out with us all,’ said Ben coyly, as he wrote in his notepad.

‘Really?’ I squealed.

‘Yeah.’

‘You mean on like a double date?’ smirked Robert.

‘Why not,’ Ben shrugged, still not looking at either of us.

‘I knew you liked her,’ I said, pointing the tips of my scissors in his direction. ‘I can sense these things.’

‘You’re just like Cilla Black,’ mocked Robert, grinning at me.

‘Maybe we could go ice-skating or something?’ I said, ignoring him. ‘We could go tomorrow?’

‘Let’s not rush things!’ he said worriedly, looking up at me. ‘I’ll have a chat with her on Monday and see if she wants to plan something for next weekend, yeah?’

‘Spoilsport,’ I jokily pouted.

‘She might not even want to!’

Bless him, I thought, he’d clearly not pursued things with her because he was worried about being rejected. I’d assumed that was what had stopped him from asking her to the cinema with us, and possibly part of his meltdown – Ben wasn’t the most confident person when it came to the opposite sex.

‘Oh … she’ll want to,’ I said, grinning at him.

Kelly might have boldly told me on our last night away that she thought Robert was fit, but, as a result of Ben pouncing on her, she’d quickly switched the target of her affections. As soon as we got back to school on the Monday she was asking questions about him; what he was like, whether he’d mentioned their kiss, or whether I thought he liked her, etc. I knew he’d have no trouble getting her to go out with him, although the thought of them together petrified me – Ben was sure to be eaten alive by the foxy minx.

The upshot? Me and Robert would be free to go on an actual date without feeling awkward.