Zora and Nicky: A Novel in Black and White (41 page)

He shakes me by my shoulders, banging me against the door while my
mother screams at him to stop. “You brought shame to us. We didn’t raise no
whores.”

Bang. Bang. Bang.
I slam against the door.

“You don’t let no white man violate you.”

I can’t let this go on anymore.

“It wasn’t Nicky.”

“What?”

“It wasn’t Nicky. It was Miles … it was Miles who touched me. It was
Miles who violated me.”

Finally he lets me go, but my mother is so angry she hits him all over his
back. “I told you not to hit my baby,” she says. I want to call the police, but I
don’t even know where my cell phone is. I don’t know why I’d even bother at
this point. He doesn’t hit me again and doesn’t do a thing to Mama. He just
goes into the living room and leaves us in the bathroom. That’s when I hear
the most God-awful sound I have ever heard in my life. Some deep, terrible
noise of soul travail.

My mother and I go into the living room when we hear it. That’s when
I see Daddy with his head in his hands. For the first time in my life, I see he
is crying.

NICKY

I say good-bye to my mother and leave the restaurant more frustrated than
ever. While she doesn’t share my father’s abject horror at the thought of me
being with Zora, she certainly isn’t giving us two thumbs up. Not that I
have a relationship with Zora. We kissed. She looked at me. We held each
other. I’m thinking that may not mean we should start picking out china
patterns, which makes me wonder why I’m getting roughed up, fighting with
my family and friends, and calling a black man I don’t know in the middle of
the night threatening to come and get his girlfriend.

Maybe I’m doing all this because none of this is fair. It’s not fair that my
family won’t acknowledge the dreams I have. And Zora’s won’t acknowledge
hers. And it’s not fair that we had to find each other at the worst time. And
I ended up hurting Rebecca, who I should have never been with in the first
place.

And it’s not fair that Zora is with the Lion King and he sucks. Or that
her father took all her stuff. And now I’m in love with her. And maybe she
feels something for me, too. And people who don’t even know her think I
can just take her to bed at will because they watch too many rap videos or
have outdated ideas that should have been left behind when Lincoln freed the
slaves, if not before.

What’s the matter with all of us? I want the apostle John’s revelation. The
one where he looks and sees a great multitude that no man can count, from
every nation, tribe, people, and language standing before God’s throne. And
every one of those people is in a white robe—and they aren’t Ku Klux Klan
white robes either. Everybody holding palm branches saying in loud voices:
“Salvation to our God which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb.”

Why aren’t we living right? Why are we all looking the part, but are
nothing but a bunch of whitewashed graves? Dead on the inside?

At least some of us are. Most of the people I’ve been dealing with are,
though not all. God, what a mess Your people are.

I have never been to a church that resembles that multitude in the book
of Revelation. I have never been to a Christian conference that looks that way.
Even the Beloved Community doesn’t look that way. Not yet.

I’m so tired. Of everything and everybody. Second to You, God, she’s the
only one that makes me feel better. I just need to see her. I’m going to her.

Right now.

ZORA

We sit in silence for a while in our own unholy trinity. My father is on the
sofa. My mother is beside him, and I’m at the peak of this triangle, ignoring
the perfectly good chairs, sitting, ironically, on the floor. We sit there as if a
bomb has detonated, and we’re devastated, unable to the move ourselves away
from the ruins.

Daddy breaks our silence first.

“Miles will correct this. He’s asked to marry you right away. I’ve agreed.”

I knew it. I knew he’d side with Miles. Miles is the black man. I look to
my mother.

She nods. “He’s a good man, Zora.”

“What if I don’t want to marry Miles?”

“You’ve been dating him for six months,” she says. “How could you not
want to marry him? Grow up, Zora. What did you think was going to happen
if you kept dating him?”

I want to tell her that I don’t like the way he tastes, and that’s a biological
sign that we aren’t compatible, according to Billie. I want to tell her that he’s
not the man I thought he was. That when I said he violated me, I meant he
nearly forced himself on me. And that we won’t discover the mystery of one
flesh for the first time together because someone else already knows him. And
it’s not that I could have that with Nicky. But at least I’d know what I had
to work with from the start instead of being surprised like I was with Miles.
I want Mama to know Miles got me an air mattress and condoms instead of
a white dress. But this doesn’t seem like the time or place. God, what am I
going to do?

“Mama, I don’t want to marry—”

My father stands up. “Miles is going to honor you. He’s going to pay for
whatever he did and marry you. Don’t think that white boy is going to do
right by you just because he didn’t make whatever mistake Miles did. At least
not yet. No matter how you look at it, you’ve shamed us. Do you think the
Reverend Nicholas Parker is going to welcome you into the family? He will
never accept you! I can hear the gossip buzzing among their friends at their
country club.” His face is a mask of disgust. “
No
! You will
not
shame us.”

Now I stand up. “I’m sorry I’ve really caused an uproar at the Parkers’
country club, Daddy, but according to your son-in-law to be, I’ve caused
quite a ruckus with the faithful at LLCC. They’re telling Miles how cursed
I am. Can you see them at their little social clubs, Daddy? ‘The Bishop’s
daughter is crazy. She doesn’t want her golden Lexus cage lined with our
offerings anymore. She wants to fly free with a paintbrush in her beak. What
a wretched, poor, naked, miserable sinner she is.’ Looks to me like I’m the
object of gossip regardless, Daddy. What difference does it make if the people
are white?”

“At least they don’t think you’re a whore.”

“I’d rather be the whore. At least the whore would have fun.”

Once again, he raises his hand to me, but this time my mother grabs him.
“You hit my baby one more time, Jack Johnson, and it will all be over today.
Marriage. Family. Ministry. Everything we have will be over right here, right
now. I promise you that.”

Daddy looks at Mama. I don’t know what he sees. I don’t know what is
going on between them, but he backs up. He turns to me.

“You get married in the next few days, or I’m cutting you out of my life
completely. I will never say another word to you again for the rest of your life,
Zora. I don’t care what your mother says.”

At that, he storms out the door.

For a moment, my mother and I stare at the door. I feel as if I’m waiting.
I don’t know what for. Maybe I’m waiting for another dramatic turn of events,
but nothing happens. He’s said all he will say. He’s done all he will do.

Maybe I’m waiting for some spark of courage to fire inside of me, but
everything within feels cold. Maybe I’m waiting for my wings to unfurl at this
moment. Maybe I’m waiting to fly far away from here, but those big black
wings stay tucked inside, and I can’t seem to move them.

I give Mama a pleading, desperate look. “I don’t want to marry Miles.”

“I don’t want to have to worry about you, Zora, I really don’t.” She shakes
her head. She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

Oh, God. Let me fly away from here.

“Zora. In some ways you’re so young. I wish I could say I think you’re
going to be fine, but you’re so fragile in so many ways. You don’t need to be
alone. Even if you were with MacKenzie I wouldn’t worry about you.”

“I’ll be stronger, Mama. Look, I’ve been on my own without my stuff. I
can go on without him.”

She shakes her head at me. “Oh, honey. You really don’t know a thing
about this world.”

She steps up to me and places her hand on my cheek. She covers with
gentleness the place still sore from Daddy’s slap. But her words are hard.
“You’re going to have to sell your soul so many times to make it in this life.
You’ll do it if you have a career. You’ll do it in a marriage. But if you marry
well, at least you’ll do it in a comfortable bed wearing a pretty gown. And
you’ll be lying down in that bed inside of a house you built from the ground
up to your exact specifications.”

“That’s what
you
did. I don’t want your life, Mama. That was good enough
for you. It’s not enough for me.”

“You haven’t suffered enough. We’ve kept you from experiencing any of
the bad things of life. You don’t know what it is to have it hard. You go off
on your own chasing after that white boy and you’ll lose everything, sweetie.
He’ll leave you behind as surely as my mama left me behind. You’ll wish you
had a Miles Zekora when that Nicky Parker is through with you. You’ll see.
Love is overrated, honey. At least it is with the Nicky Parkers of this world.
And he doesn’t love you. He’s a playboy, and you’re just some brown sugar.”

“You don’t know him, Mama.”

“It’s you that doesn’t know him, Zora.”

“I think I do.”

“You think you know a lot that you don’t, honey.”

Mama takes me in her arms and kisses my forehead.

“Mama, Miles is way too ambitious for me. He just wants what Miles
wants. I’m just secondary to the plan. Just another item on his agenda. I can’t
live like that. He’s the one who doesn’t love me.”

My mother gives me the saddest look. “Zora. You won’t want for anything
with him. If you marry him, his ambition will make sure you have all that you
need. And by the end of the week you’ll be a woman. God help you.”

“I’d rather be a woman in God’s time without a man like Miles. Without
Daddy if need be. I’m going to paint. I’m going to be the woman God created
me to be. I’m in love, Mama. I want to see what God wants to do with me
and Nicky. I have to try. God made me for more. And I’m going for what
God made.”