Jocelyn's Choice (11 page)

I walked out of the women's center and stood in the entryway for a few minutes.

I'd gotten to hear our baby's heartbeat. The doctor said it was strong, and our little one was healthy and doing just fine. I was thirteen weeks pregnant and everything with the baby was progressing as it should. All of my test results had come back normal, and I got to schedule an ultrasound to see him or her. In four weeks, they'd be able to determine the sex of my little miracle. Unfortunately, that would only bring us to the end of September, and Alex wouldn't be home. He wouldn't know his baby existed. The doctor said that while I should schedule the ultrasound, I didn't have to find out the sex. I hadn't decided what I wanted to do about that yet. Obviously, we had never discussed the possibility of a baby, so I had no idea if he would want to know what we were having. I still had a few weeks to make that decision.

I was so lost in thought I didn't see Jack approach as he stepped off the elevator.

"Jocelyn."

Oh, no! What is he doing here?

I'd purposely picked a facility in a neighboring town, so I could reduce the odds of bumping into anyone I knew or who might know Max. But the main reason I picked this practice was so Jack couldn't find out. It wasn't affiliated with his hospital.

"Jocelyn," he said again and smiled, and his beautiful green eyes reminded me of Alex. It amazed me how much they resembled one another.

I zipped up my hoodie, making sure my tiny bump was concealed, even though it was still too small for anyone other than me to notice.

"Hey, Dr. Jordan. How are you?"

"Jocelyn," he said. "Why is it that my wife is Sarah and I'm Dr. Jordan?"

"Sorry." I looked down at my feet.

"Are you okay?" He glanced at the door I had just walked out of.

"I'm fine," I said. "Just a check-up."

"Here?"

No doubt he wondered why I was in a women's clinic in another town.

"I . . . ." I didn't know how to respond. "A friend referred me."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to pry, but I can give you a referral, if you'd rather see a doctor closer to home."

"Um, thanks, but it's just an annual thing, so I'm good."
What were the chances?
I hurried to change the subject. "I didn't realize you worked here."

"I'm consulting for a friend in the offices down the hall."

"Oh, well, I won't keep you."

"I heard my son wanted to come home last weekend." He smiled and shook his head.

"He did," I said "But we both decided it would be better if he didn't."

"I agree," he said. "He never would have wanted to leave after seeing you for only two days."

I nodded. My palms were sweaty, and my stomach was doing that gurgling thing. The thing it always did right before I threw up.

"Don't be a stranger. You don't have to wait until Alex comes home to visit us."

"Thanks." I smiled, but I wouldn't be heading to their house anytime soon. "Tell Sarah I said hello."

"I will."

"'Bye, Jack." I bolted toward the elevator. I pushed the button and stepped in as soon as the doors slid open. My heart pounded, and I felt nauseous. I was certain Jack would figure out what I was doing here, if he hadn't already.

I ran to my car and headed for home. I needed to tell my father before someone else did. Max would be devastated, but the longer I waited, the more hurt he would be.

It was going to be the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it had to be done. I could make this work. He needed to know I was pregnant, and I intended to keep my baby. I just hoped he would support me.

I knew I was running the same risk with Alex finding out as well, but with him being so far away, I felt he had less of a chance of learning my secret. Evan took a last-minute trip with some guys before school started, and Brenna and Julia never set foot in my part of town, so I didn't have to worry about them coming into the coffee shop. I knew there was a possibility that one of Alex's friends would see me, but it wasn't likely. I was confident I could keep this from him until he came home. It was almost September, so I only had two more months to get through, and then I would tell him everything.

But, first . . . .

"Dad!" I found him in the living room watching some sort of game on TV.

"Hey, where you been?"

"I had a doctor's appointment." I figured starting with the truth might be my best course of action.

"Are you sick?"

"No, not really." I sat on the couch next to him.

"Jocey." He muted the game. "What's up?"

"Dad." I hesitated because I didn't know how I was going to do this. He was going to be so disappointed.

"I know you miss him," he said. "But it'll be November before you know it."

I nodded.

"Classes are starting next week, so that'll take your mind off Alex for a while."

My eyes filled with tears when I thought about Alex coming home to me and our baby. He was going to be so shocked, and there was a possibility he'd be really hurt and mad I didn't tell him right away.

"Jocelyn," Max said. "Please don't cry. Maybe I could come up with a way to send you to Connecticut for a couple of days before school starts?"

"No." I shook my head and wiped my tears. It was really sweet of Max to offer, but that wouldn't solve my problems.

"I've been thinking about it for a few weeks," he said. "You've been so sad. Maybe if you saw him?"

"I'm not going to school next week." I blurted out the words before I lost my nerve.

"What?" he asked. "Why?"

"I can't," I sobbed. "I made a big mistake."

"Did you forget to submit something? I'm sure we can get it taken care of."

"No," I cried. "I'm pregnant." Somehow I managed to blurt that out, too.

He stared at me, but didn't say anything. I continued to cry.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed. "I didn't mean to . . . ."

He held up his hand, got to his feet, and paced the small room. I didn't say any more. I knew he had to let this sink in.

"I knew it!" he yelled. "You were throwing up, you're tired all the time, and the
pineapple.
I just didn't want to believe it."

He continued to pace, then stopped at the window and gazed out. He shook his head, obviously having a rough time dealing with my revelation. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, and I could tell by the look on his face he was upset.

Finally, he spoke, but his voice cracked with emotion.

"You’re so smart," he whispered. "How did you let this happen?"

Sometimes 'smart’ has nothing to do with it.

"Jocelyn?"

You were working the overnight shift, Alex showed up drunk and hot. He was incredibly
sexy and cute. He carried me up to my bedroom, I took off my little PJs, and, well, the rest is
history . . . .

"Jocelyn!" Max called out, pulling me from my thoughts. "How did you let this happen?"

"I don't know," I said. "We had an accident, I guess?" There was no way I was telling Max I had unprotected sex with Alex, and he didn't pull out fast enough.

He walked back over to the couch, but didn't sit down. He kept rubbing his chin and fidgeting with his hands. He was clearly distraught.

"How far along?" He stared at my stomach.

"I'm just past my first trimester," I said. "I'm due in February."

"February?" He shook his head in disbelief. "You've been to a doctor, then?"

I nodded.

"You're okay?"

I nodded again.

"What did Alex say?" When he said his name, I could see that vein popping out on the side of his head.

"He doesn't know," I admitted softly.

"What? Why the hell not?"

"I didn't realize I was pregnant until after he left, and I didn't want to tell him on the phone."

"You have to tell him."

"I will," I said. "When he comes back."

"In two months?"

"You said it'll be here before we know it." I reminded him.

"That was when he was just your boyfriend, but now it's different. He needs to be involved in your decisions."

"He will be," I said. "But this internship is so important for his future."

"What about your future, Jocelyn? You have your whole life ahead of you."

"It's just that Alex is so smart, and I don't want to mess this up for him."

"He's not that smart." He laughed, but the sound didn't hold much mirth. "He managed to get my eighteen-year-old daughter pregnant, didn't he?"

"He didn't do it by himself," I said.

"He was older and more experienced," he said. "He should have known better."

"It's done!" The tears started again.
Damn, I'm so emotional
. "We can't change it."

Max sat down next to me and pulled me into a hug. "Ah, Jocelyn." He sighed.

"Are you disappointed?" I asked on a sob.

"Yes. This is not what a father wants to hear from his little girl."

"I'm not little anymore."

"You'll always be my little girl," he said. "But, you're right, it's done now. What do you want to do about it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Have you given any thought to what you want to do? Do you want to raise this baby?"

"Yes," I cried. "Please tell me you'll let me do that."

"Jocelyn," he said, as he rubbed my back. "Shh, calm down. I'll support your decisions, and I'll help you any way I can."

"Okay." I hiccupped. "I know it's a lot to ask."

"You're my child," he said. "We'll get through this. We'll figure it out."

I relaxed against my father's side. I’d been so afraid to tell him, but now, for the first time since I found out about the baby, I felt a small sense of relief.

"Jocey," he said. "I get what you're thinking about not wanting to ruin Alex's opportunity, but I think you need to tell him before he finds out another way."

"Dad, please." I begged. "I want to tell him in person. I want him to be with me because he wants to be, not because he feels obligated."

"Whether you tell him now or when he gets home, won't that still be an issue?"

"I guess, but he'll leave Connecticut and come right home, I know he will," I said.

"And if things don't work out between us, I don't want him to resent me for that."

"I don't know." He sighed again, and I figured I better get used to that sound.

"His family lives here. You're good friends with his brother. How are you going to pull this off?"

"Evan's busy with school," I said. "I don't plan on seeing him anytime soon."

My phone beeped with a text . . . .

Hey, beautiful, haven't heard from u this week miss u.

I turned off the phone and closed my eyes.

"You can't ignore him. This is his baby, too."

"I know," I whispered. "Please let me do it this way. I'll tell him as soon as he comes home."

"Have you considered the possibility that he may not want to be in a relationship once he finds out about this baby?"

I nodded; that possibility was always front and center in my mind.

"And you'll be okay with that?"

"I won't force him," I said. "I want to raise this baby with him, but I know he might not want to do that. But he's a good person, and he comes from a close family. I don't believe he would abandon his baby."

"I trust your judgment, Jocelyn." He smiled, but he looked sad. "I'll support this decision, and, whether Alex wants this or not, I'll be here for you."

For the first time in my life, I saw Max's eyes fill with tears.

"It'll be okay," he said.

I knew how disappointed he was over this. What parent wouldn't be? But he didn't scream at me or make me feel worse than I already did. He accepted I made a mistake, and I was doing everything I could to make it right.

"Thanks, Dad." I cried and hugged him tighter. "I'm sorry."

"Accidents happen," he said. "We play with the hand we're dealt. We always have."

I was lucky to have Max. He could've freaked out or demanded I tell Alex, but he didn't. He may not have been the most attentive father, but he did the best he could. He was there for me when I needed him, and that was more than I could have hoped for.

"You hungry?"

"Always." I smiled.

"Come on." He laughed as he got up from the couch. "Let's go out and eat."

That night was one of the best nights I’d ever spent with my dad. We talked and laughed about things that had happened during my childhood, before shifting to what the future held for us. He said eventually I could go back to school, and he would help me as much as he could. Maybe, if I took night classes, he could watch the baby. He also said we'd have to make room in my bedroom for a crib, and the downstairs would be taken over by a playpen, high chair, bottles, and toys. I hadn't thought about any of that. He said we'd have to get used to middle-of-the-night feedings and bouts of crying.

So many things to consider!

I couldn't help but notice everything Max was describing was taking place in a picture that didn't involve Alex. I thought that, unconsciously, he was trying to prepare me for the fact that I may be raising this baby solo. I hoped he was wrong.

The next six weeks flew by. Everyone had gone away to school, and as I’d expected, Evan was so busy commuting and enjoying college life that he didn't have much time for me. We did text occasionally, but once I distanced myself from Alex, he stopped bothering with me. He was upset by the way I was treating his brother, but I could only hope they would understand. It was already October, so I didn't have much longer to go.

My tiny bump grew bigger every day, until it became a prominent bulge. My hips were a bit wider, and my boobs were bigger, too. My nausea had subsided, but I still threw up when I had a migraine or smelled something that didn't agree with me.

Pregnancy had heightened my sense of smell, and that wasn't always a good thing, especially when I brewed a pot of exotic coffee at work and my stomach decided to flip.

It was always a miracle when I made it to the toilet. My little one was already making me work!

I had gone to my ultrasound and seen my baby's heart bop up and down on the screen. For the first time during my pregnancy, I shed tears of joy. I wished I could have shared that moment with Alex. I opted not to find out the sex; I still felt that was something I wanted to discuss with him. The baby was healthy and right on target to arrive around Valentine's Day. I was really curious to know if I was having a miniature Alex or a little girl. It didn't matter to me either way, but when I did imagine a small, sticky face smiling up at me, I always saw Alex's vibrant green eyes.

I spent most of my time working and sleeping. I was exhausted after spending an eight-hour shift on my feet. Some nights, they were so swollen I had to sit with them propped up for hours at a time. Max was my new BFF. He stopped going on fishing trips and hanging out with his friends so I wouldn't have to be alone. I told him that wasn't necessary, but he insisted. And I found I really liked his company.

Who would have guessed?

We told a few of his close friends about the baby, and they offered to help us in any way they could. Anna Stevens, an old family friend whose husband had recently passed, dropped by one or two evenings a week to hang out. Max thought I needed a woman around, in case I had questions. It ended up being a good idea, since she had three of her own kids and answered some questions I had about the actual delivery.

Some of those questions, I wish I hadn't asked.

We did call Liz to let her know she was going to be a grandmother. She didn't really have an opinion one way or the other, but that was expected. She hadn't been there for me in years. She didn't bother coming for graduation, so I didn't really expect her to be there for me at this time in my life. She was more interested in the fact that I managed to let a Jordan get me pregnant. She said something about me hitting the jackpot, and she remembered how attractive Jack was. I couldn't listen anymore, so I handed the phone to Max, and they proceeded to get into an argument over Max's parenting skills. She accused him of not paying attention and that was how I ended up pregnant. He hung up on her. I cried a few hours that night, but I took comfort in the knowledge that I would never abandon my child. Moms weren't supposed to leave, and I wouldn't be following Liz's example.

I went upstairs and crawled into bed with my barely functioning laptop and waited for it to load up. I was hoping I could save for a new one, but that wouldn't be happening anytime soon. I needed a crib and a bunch of other necessities for when I brought the baby home.

After about ten minutes, I was finally able to log onto e-mail, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw a message from Alex. He hadn't called in over two weeks, and I didn't think he had texted me in a week. I was surprised he would use e-mail as a mode of communication. I clicked on the message, noticing it'd been sent last night.

Beautiful Jocelyn
,

I smiled at the salutation, but I was almost afraid to continue on. I had a ball of nerves forming in the pit of my stomach, and I felt like I might throw up dinner.
God,
Jocelyn, just get it over with
. I steeled my nerves and continued to read.

I've given up on calling you. I feel like a stalker with the number of voicemails I left for
you. And you won't answer my texts anymore either, so I decided to e-mail you instead.

I don't know how to go about this because, to be honest, I've never been in this position
before. I'm usually on the other end of the stalking. But things have always been different with
you, haven't they? I knew from the second I saw you in the kitchen you weren't what I was used
to. I tried to tell myself that you weren't anything special, just another girl, but I knew that
wasn't true as soon as I saw that blush cross your cheeks. I was done in less than thirty seconds
from meeting you. And I'm just sorry I had to leave before we got the chance to see where we
were headed. I didn't expect you to wait for me, but I never thought you'd just cut me off. I
wasn't prepared for that. Maybe I could have done things differently, told you important things
or showed you better. I don't know? But, none of that matters now.

In any case, I hope you're enjoying your first couple of months of school. I know it can be
an overwhelming time, with so many exciting things to do and all the new people you're
probably meeting. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and there are no hard
feelings. Our relationship was so new and me having to leave just as we were fully getting to
know one another was difficult for us both.

Please take care of yourself and call Evan once in a while. He feels like he's in the middle
of whatever this is between us. I'm still coming back in November. You know how to find me.

Alex

I sprang up from the bed and ran to the bathroom. Just as I’d expected, dinner was gone from my system within seconds. I was shaking uncontrollably as I went back into my room and crawled under the covers. He was letting me off the hook. He thought I had moved on and didn't know how to tell him.
Why does he have to be such a
gentleman?
He didn’t deserve what I was doing to him.

Maybe I should just call him and tell him the truth?
Would that be better? I’d already broken his heart, so how could I call him and tell him I hadn't moved on? I wanted to tell him I loved him with everything I had, and I was waiting for him, but would that be fair? We'd been together for only a few months, and while I knew he cared about me, I also knew he wasn't one for settling down. He was a wild child, but for some crazy reason, he was intrigued by plain old me. That never made sense, and I wasn't going to let his brief infatuation with me turn into a life sentence for him. He needed time to figure out if I was who he truly wanted, and since he had never told me he loved me, I couldn't be sure. The pregnancy was a huge shock for me, and I'd been dealing with it for a few months. I still had so many questions and concerns. I couldn't imagine how Alex would feel about a baby. Of course, I didn’t really give him a chance to feel anything.
God, what a hot mess I've made!

There was the very real possibility that Alex could move on. He was beyond the perfect catch, and he was hanging with all those college girls. It wasn't stupid to think he could find someone else and just decide to stay in Connecticut. Then I'd really be screwed.

One month and then you can tell him, Jocelyn. You've made it this far.

I could wait. He could complete this internship without worrying about me, and then, as soon as he came home, I would tell him. I made the decision to wait for a reason, and I had to stick to it. Right or wrong, it was my choice.