July (The Year of The Change Book 1) (10 page)

Finally, I was alone – well, as alone as I could be with Tam sleeping a few feet away. I turned on a small lamp by the bed and flipped off the overhead light. The dimly lit, masculine room was inviting, even in shadow.

Still hungry, I pulled out a box of crackers to eat while I read. I clicked on the desk lamp for a little more light. There was a bulletin board above the desk. Lots of photos were pinned against the cork, mostly of girls. In the middle was a picture of Kevin and me when they visited us in Oklahoma five years ago. I remembered posing for it. We had our arms around each other’s shoulders with big cheesy grins. I was taller than he was back then, we were both skinny, neither of us had filled out any. The photo looked like it had been there for a long while as the edges were slightly tattered with multiple pin holes around the edges.

Kevin was taller now, no scrawny little junior high kid. He’d filled out in all the right places. He certainly didn't act like a junior high boy. He was definitely all college man now. If this wasn't the year of The Change I could just imagine us slipping out to take a moonlit walk. I bet the cornfields are beautiful at night. Even if we just walked down the dusty road, it would be romantic with Kevin there. I could almost feel my hand clasped tightly in his. In my fantasy, we would be able to talk about anything. I would finally have my soul mate, someone I could trust with all my secrets, someone who would love me for me. He could fill the hole in my lonely heart.

The nagging fact slapped me in the back of the head. If it hadn’t been for The Change he wouldn’t be so interested. I doubted he would give me a second glance next year. A small part of me wanted to believe he could find me interesting even though I wasn’t pretty. Maybe he was a good enough person to be able to overlook my plain features and see something special in me. Only in my dreams.

Jarred from my fantasy, I turned my attention back to the photo and smiled at the memories the simple picture brought back. Swimming, bike rides, and night games had been more fun with him around. My best buddy, Donny, hadn’t liked him so I didn't spend much time with Donny during that week. Dad said it was because he was jealous of Kevin and his brothers, because the brothers had my attention and he didn’t. I’d thought it ridiculous since we all could’ve played together. Boys were so silly sometimes.

My heart pained at the memory of Donny. I missed him terribly. Pushing him from my thoughts I looked again at the photo and wished I had a picture of us. If it hadn’t been wrong I would’ve been tempted to swipe this one. Maybe they would make me a copy.

A giant throw pillow sat in the corner. Dragging it across the carpet I put it next to the desk, under the lamp light. With the crackers and my book open, I leaned against the wall.

About an hour later there was a creak in the hall. The knob turned minutely. Someone was at the locked door. My breath froze waiting to see what would happen next. A door opened down the hall and whoever was outside my door ran quietly down the stairs. Dad and Sue whispered. A door closed. I chuckled. Whoever it was got scared off. Yah! Not having to deal with him calmed me.

Crawling over to the basket, I found a package of cookies and crept back to my spot near the light. I was back to reading while stuffing my face. I love Oreos.

After inhaling half the bag I dug for something else to eat. A quiet tap at the window froze me in mid-reach. With a smothered gasp, I jumped up and turned off the light. Fear caused hesitation. Sucking in a deep breath, I peeked through the curtains. I shouldn’t have done that. I was weak and couldn’t resist.

Kevin was in a small tree just outside the window. He motioned for me to open the sliding glass. I’d never had a boy at my window before. Tracy Walton in Oklahoma last month didn't count -- he was only thirteen and his voice cracked so much I could barely understand a word he said before our neighbors called Sue.

I slid the window open and whispered, “Are you crazy? What are you doing?” I barely kept a giggle from escaping.

He whispered back, “I noticed your light on and thought maybe you couldn’t sleep, either.”

I shook my head as I grinned at him. It was so cute the way he tried to look nonchalant while perched precariously on a small limb that surprisingly held him. What I wouldn’t have given to have been able to climb out the window and go for that moonlit walk I’d thought about earlier. My fantasy of walking hand in hand played out in my head again. My heart twisted as my duty and my wants warred, each pulled in drastically different directions.

I liked him here and couldn’t keep that out of my voice. “You’re going to get caught.” It sounded too playful.

He put his finger to his lips. “Not if we keep it quiet.”

I made my voice stern and knew from experience talking would only encouraged him. “You shouldn’t be here.”

He frowned and looked down. “I know … but you leave tomorrow and I wanted more time with you. The short while in the car wasn't enough.”

Playfulness bubbled to the surface and I needed to keep this light. “I thought Huskers were supposed to hate Sooners.”

He grinned. “Nah, that’s a horrible myth spread by Longhorns.”

I had to put my hand over my mouth to muffle my laugh. With effort, I quieted myself. “Well, you’re too late. I was just about to turn out the light and go to sleep.”

“Don’t go yet.” He looked at me with such a pound puppy sadness, I froze.

With all my heart I wanted so desperately to reach out to him. He’d touched my heart and now I couldn’t do what I knew I should. I should’ve said goodnight, closed the window, turned off the light and gone to sleep. I should have, but I didn’t.

“Okay, a few minutes, but that’s all.” Yes, just a few minutes to feed my heart, hungry for love and attention. I hoped he couldn’t see how pathetic I was.

His smile returned. “So, are you excited about moving to Alaska?”

My whole face dropped. “No.”

I hated the idea. I hated that I didn’t matter enough to my dad to stay put at least until after The Change. I couldn’t tell Kevin that.

“Why not?” He looked concerned.

Something to say, something to say. “I don’t know anyone there.” Sigh. That was true. “I’m already homesick.” I couldn’t explain about feeling vulnerable and frightened. I wished that I could tell him these things and let him put his arms around me and comfort me just like I knew he would.

He reached his hand out and touched the screen. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

That simple gesture quickened my heart. He was so kind. Maybe after The Change he would be able to see me as someone he could consider being with.

I shrugged from that thought. “Thanks.” Sigh. “But I’m okay.” I took a theatrical stance with the back of my hand against my forehead and my eyes shut. “I’ll survive.” I smiled as I opened my eyes, trying to look light-hearted and was glad for the darkness and the screen between us. I wasn’t light-hearted and could’ve used a hug right then. For a moment, I seriously thought of opening the screen. It took a lot of effort to hold myself back.

He gently stroked the thin woven fabric with his fingertips, the closest thing to a touch he could do or I could have. I wished it was my face instead. To feel his warm fingers across my skin - once - it couldn’t hurt anything could it? My sides warred again, neither one made any headway.

Kevin would definitely be the perfect boyfriend. I could imagine his arms around me or riding in his car with my hair blowing in the hot, moist July air. In my mind I saw us double dating with Jeff and Paula, which would prompt his mind to think of marriage, of course.

I tried to banish the images from my mind. I was just torturing myself.

Good thing it was dark because I was on the verge of tears. Guys don’t handle tears very well and he didn’t need to see me crying, or how pathetic I was. I worked to get my breathing under control and the tears back where they belonged.

It was time to change the subject. “What exactly are you majoring in?”

He took the change of subject very well and didn’t miss a beat. “I haven’t declared yet.”

That confused me. “Why not?”

“Because I haven’t decided what I want to do.” He picked a leaf near his head and played with it.

“You haven’t? I thought you had to do that before you went to college.”

He chuckled quietly. “Nah, the first year is all requireds. I’m not sure I’ll declare this year, either.”

“Why?” I was forever asking that question.

“I’m having trouble narrowing down my options. There are so many things I want to do, I’m just not sure what I want to do the most.”

It took a moment to ponder. This was all news to me. “I’d never thought of it like that before. I always thought people who went to college already knew what their career path was.”

He shook his head. “Nope, most aren’t even close. There are a few who know from the beginning, but they’re rare. Most go in thinking they want to do one thing, but then change their minds. You really don’t know what you’ll actually end up with until you experience some of it first.”

That was a lot of food for thought.
Food
. My stomach roused. “So you’re saying I should just go to college and that I’ll figure it out?” I ignored my snuffling stomach. Go to sleep!

“Yep, something like that.”

“Good, now I don’t have to worry about having it set in stone before I go.”

That was actually a really big load off my mind since my dad expected me to go to college. I’d thought about it many times and worried I would waste my college fund if I didn’t get it right the first time.

“We shouldn’t be talking about college. We should be talking about us.”

That yanked me out of my thoughts of college and shoved me back into thoughts of boyfriend. I dropped my jaw before I could recover. “Huh?”

He backpedaled. “I mean, when are we going to visit again? This every five years is just too long for buddies to not see each other.” Not even The Change could make him want me as a girlfriend.

I remembered the photo of us with our arms around each other and how much fun we had. “Well, I won’t be going anywhere until I graduate in two years.” It would be two long years until I was freed from my ice-bound prison.

He looked thoughtful. “Two years would be good timing.” He huffed. “Too long. I wish I could come up to see you before I leave on my mission.”

“That’s an awful long way to go to see a buddy.” Next year I would be past The Change and maybe, if I was lucky, he might still be interested … maybe. Yeah, right.

“Alaska would be a great place to spend a … month of the summer?” It was a question, like he was checking to see if I would mind if he came for that long.

A month sounded good to me. “Maybe you and Jeff could come up and spend the summer touring the area.”

He shook his head. “I’m guessing that by the time I could go he’ll have popped the question with Paula. They make a great couple.” He looked deeply into my eyes for a moment. “I hope to find someone I can feel that serious about … someday.” He looked away. “I want an eternal love.” He was definitely saying all the right things. After The Change, I doubted he’d choose me for that honor.

In my mind I could see some cute,
short,
co-ed, that didn’t wear glasses. She would have a perky little nose and bubbly personality. She would smile at him and he would follow her anywhere. I would never be cute, short, bubbly or have a perky little nose. No one would ever want to follow me anywhere. Boy, what a pity party I was indulging in.

I pulled myself back to reality. “Well then, you’ll have to come next summer and I’ll introduce you to all the pretty girls in the area.” That was the least I could do for my buddy. My stomach knotted at the thought of someone else getting him.

His lips pulled up, but he looked sad at the same time. “I can’t come up next summer.”

Before I could ask why we were interrupted by a loud whisper.

“What do you think you’re doing, Kevin?” Anger roiled out of the darkness.

Uh-oh, not what we needed.

“Keep it down, Mark.” Kevin tried to shush him.

I heard Tam rouse and roll over in bed. If Tam found out Kevin was here, she would probably tell Sue, who would tell my dad. I thought about closing the window and going to bed. I should have. There’s that
should have
, again. My curiosity refused to let me leave the window. It had to see what happened next.

Mark kept it at a loud whisper now that he was under the tree. “Don’t tell me to keep it down. You tell me not to bother Sylv so she can sleep, but you come out here and keep her awake.”

Kevin glanced at me and sighed. “Mark, you’re going to wake everyone up.”

I looked down to see the younger brother step up to climb the small tree.

“The tree won’t hold both of us.”

“Shut up and move over.”

Kevin's whisper went up an octave. "Mark, I'm tellin' ya, it won't hold both of us."

Mark put his foot in the crook of the tree and hoisted himself up.

"There's not enough room." Kevin rolled his eyes.

"There's plenty of room if you would just move your fat head over." Mark put his foot on a small limb that didn't hold. He caught himself before he fell.