July (The Year of The Change Book 1) (14 page)

I switched the frilly white lamp off and closed my eyes. Gram’s beautiful face shone brightly behind my eyelids. Her usually smiling face was frowning. Her expression was the same as when she didn’t approve of something I’d done. I could hear her gentle and firm voice.
I taught you better than this.

She still didn’t understand.

My heart ached to throw my arms around my grandmother's neck and talk to her about all the stuff that was going on. I yearned to hear her sweet voice reassure me that everything was going to be okay. I would have settled for one of her lectures just to hear her beautiful, loving voice and feel her warm, soft arms around me.

Tam wouldn’t let it go. “But she was there when Gram was going through this -”

I cut her off. “
She
didn’t understand then, either.” I spit the words into the dimly lit room and pulled the covers tight around me. “Turn your light off.” I growled.

Tam switched off the other frilly lamp and the room was dark - almost as dark as my mood.

“Sylv, it’s not -”

I was not going to have this conversation. “Good night, Tam.” I used the ‘I’m done talking’ tone of voice.

Like most nights, she let it drop. Tonight the silence between us bothered me. I reached back and found her arm and squeezed it. She squeezed my hand and I knew we were okay.

Breathing deep, to will my body to relax, didn’t bring the relief I sought. I couldn’t sleep. The closet door stayed closed until I heard Tam’s soft snores. Then the queen replicator kicked into overdrive and the tears flowed unabated until I slipped into a turbulent dream.

This dream was familiar. I’d had it a few times before. There was a white wolf and a mountain lion running through a dark forest. I chased them, falling further and further behind. I was desperate to catch up and afraid I wouldn’t find them if I lost sight of them.

Suddenly, I rode a scruffy grey wolf to the top of a very high mountain. At the top I could see for miles in every direction. The view was breathtaking. It didn’t calm me. The grey wolf barked a laugh and leapt off the mountain. I screamed as we fell …

I sat up straight panting with fear. The dream was always too vivid, too real. My eyes focused. I was still in the frilly pink room.

No forest, no high mountain, just yards and yards of pink ruffles. My sister breathed steady with a light rumble in the back of her throat. I slowed mine to match hers. It helped to calm me. It was still dark outside and the room held only black shapes that reminded me of the dark forest of my dream.

My breathing slowed as I lay back on the too-soft pillow.
It was only a dream … it was only a dream
, I repeated to myself, afraid I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. My eyelids became leaden and I slipped into oblivion, where no wolves or mountain lions or any other animal bothered me for the rest of the night.

Oregon Morning

At first, I thought the whimpering was part of my dream. Since I wasn’t dreaming of animals this time it had to be something else. Curiosity roused me and I opened my eyes to the dimly lit room. Even with the heavy ruffles, I could tell the sun was just coming up as the curtains faded from black to dark pink.

Bandit was at the door and whimpered over his shoulder at me. He needed to get out. I grabbed my glasses and quietly climbed out of bed, trying not to jostle Tam awake. On tiptoe, I snuck to the door and opened it. Bandit bolted through. His needs were urgent. I followed him quietly to the front door and opened it. He dashed to the old walnut tree and I looked around. The last thing I wanted to do was watch a dog do his business.

The cool morning air was inviting so I stepped out onto the deck and was careful to close the door, hoping not to disturb anyone. A gentle breeze moved my gown around my legs and fluttered my tousled hair. I could feel how swollen my eyes were and wondered how hideous I looked. It didn’t matter. Not this year, anyway.

The sun shimmered through the trees in the distance, so I wandered over to the east side of the deck to watch it come up. The cool wind gusted past and raced me to the railing. I leaned against the rough wood and looked out across the rolling hills that surrounded the house. There wasn't a clear view of the sun through the distant trees, black in their own shadows. The orb inched higher. As the rays from the sun touched the fields I could see the beauty in the arid scenery, with its scrub brush and brown grass.

Wind blew up my gown and I held myself, trying to stay warm. The wind picked up now and then, sending chills through me as my hair and gown fluttered in front of me. With each deep breath, I was calmer, much calmer than yesterday. A flame, like that of a candle, pulsed with the flow of hope. I just might be able to survive this visit. I felt Gram's comforting spirit nearby even as
that woman
slept inside waiting for a chance to hurt me again.

If I’d been logical, I would’ve swallowed my anger and talked to
her
about what it was like for my grandmother. I shoved the thought from my mind. I wasn’t being logical.

Across the hilly pasture I locked onto something that shouldn’t have been there. As my eyes focused, I could tell it was a person. To my horror, it wasn’t just any person -- it was Rob.

He stood still, emotionless, staring at me with his hound dog eyes, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. A shiver raced up my spine.

What was
he
doing in
her
pasture at this time of the morning? They didn't usually react this fast.

I didn’t waste any time and dashed for the front door. To my shock it was locked. I almost panicked. I had to get inside where I would be protected before Rob could get here. I dashed around the deck. Then I jumped the two steps, to the gravel drive, beside the house. My bare feet made contact with the sharp stones. Must keep going. I winced in pain. Hobbling quickly to the small patch of grass beside the house the side door was unlocked, to my relief. I scurried in and closed it behind me. Breathing heavily, I leaned against the old wooden door. My heart hammered my ribs.

“Good morning, Sylvia. I didn’t know you were awake.”

My head jerked up and I beheld my grandmother standing at the stove cooking bacon. Her wonderful smile brightened her beautiful face. An aura of happiness shone round her.

***

For a blessed moment, I was in Gram's kitchen in Texas. Any moment Gramps would walk in and announce the neighbor’s cow had broken the fence and gotten into his lettuce patch - again. I smiled and all was right with the world.

***

“You have Anne’s smile.” Her voice popped my illusion.

The vision was sucked away and now I stood in
her
kitchen. I shook my head and made myself not focus on the ghost that hovered around the woman that stood before me. My heart sank. Gramps wouldn’t be walking in ready to spit nails. I wasn't home.

I stood straight, forcing my feet to walk toward the table that stood between us. She was wrong and I would set
her
straight.

My voice was too hard as I spoke. “My grandmother had a beautiful smile." Guilt smacked me upside the head. "Mine’s more like my mother’s.” At least that’s what Dad use to say.

Her smile fell into a straight line. “I don’t know your mother.”

That made two of us, another bad subject to avoid.

Softening my voice I changed our conversation. “Why are you up so early?” I glanced at the clock that hung on the far wall, five thirty seven.

“I get up at five every morning. When you’re a sheep rancher you have to be up when they are.” She turned the bacon. It smelled good and my stomach stood at attention.

“If Jimmy tends the sheep, why do you need to get up, too?”

She grinned. “I guess it’s so ingrained in me, now, it’s force of habit.”

I heard the door behind me open and I spun around to see Rob in the doorway frowning at me. The wind gusted past him. It was his intense eyes that chilled me. I shivered. For a brief moment I couldn’t move, bolted to the floor with fear.

He stepped forward, his brown eyes not leaving mine, capturing me, and binding mine to his. Everything around me faded away but his sad eyes.

I barely heard
her
over the heartbeat in my ears.

“Hi, Rob. How do you want your eggs today?”

Her voice jolted me and I regained my senses. Rob's brooding eyes ran down my body. That was when I realized I was standing there in my nightgown. I gasped and dashed for the bedroom where Tam still slept.

Closing the door quietly I pulled over a wooden straight back chair that had been painted cream with pink roses across the top rung, putting it under the knob. I had to block the door before he could come and find me. There was no way
she
could hold Rob back, he was too strong and if he lost control … I shuddered.

There wasn't much in this frilly room to make a barricade with. I put the vanity stool next to the chair. Then I hauled my suitcase over.

Not enough.

With Tam’s suitcase, I raced to the pile. Too late, I realized it wasn’t latched. Almost everything fell out. My hands trembled so bad I had trouble picking up her clothes. Tam didn’t move as I quietly shoved everything back in and latched it.

In my irrational haste I rolled the antique stroller, a few feet, to my skimpy pile. After looking into the dark moving eyes of the porcelain doll with curly, brown hair, I thought better of it and put it back. There wasn’t anything else safe to move. I crawled into bed, sat against the headboard and pulled the covers up to my nose.

I sat like that waiting for the others to wake up. I was thinking of my father in particular. Having my bodyguard around when Rob was here would be a must. I trembled as I watched the door, afraid my pitiful pile wasn’t enough to stop an affected boy. I knew
she
was too frail to stop the strong and dangerous looking Rob and not sure
she
would even try.

I must’ve dozed because I jerked awake when Tam shook me. “Huh?”

My neck had a kink in it from lying flopped over and I winced in pain. Tam knelt on the bed beside me, eyes wide, pursing her lips.

Her fearful expression had me suddenly wide awake. “What’s the matter, Tam?” Fear rippled through my chest and I looked around while rubbing my sore neck.

She gently bounced in place. “Is there a reason everything is piled in front of the door?”

I looked over at my pitiful pile. Seeing it now in the light of day and not alone made it seem rather ridiculous. I realized how stupid I’d been.

“I kinda panicked.” I blushed with the embarrassment.

My little sister rocked on the bed. “Can we move it? I gotta go to the bathroom.” She raised her strawberry brows. “
Real bad
,” emphasizing the last part.

Now I felt like a moron for over reacting. “Yes, you can move it. Sorry about that.”

Poor Tam jumped off the bed in a hurry to get the things out of her way.

“Why didn’t you just move everything?” I threw the covers off. The stiffness in my back whined to be left alone. I stood to help.

Tam moved her suitcase to the side wall. “When I woke up, I was afraid to go out because I didn't know why you did this.” She moved the stool.

I’m so stupid at times. Tam moved fast and I wondered how long she’d waited before she woke me.

“Tam? How long --?”

She wrenched the door open. “An hour.” She dashed away.

Okay, I had to get a grip on myself. I sat on the bed and rubbed my neck. It was okay if I suffered because of my actions, but not for anyone else, especially sweet Tam.

She
came down the hall and peeked in the pink room. I’d heard
her
shuffling footsteps so it wasn’t such a shock when I looked up … braced … and saw
her
looking at me unsure if she would be welcome. I didn’t frown or turn away so she smiled.

“Breakfast is on. It’s a good thing you’re hungry because I made way too much food.”

Her
assumption of my hunger should’ve made me mad, it didn’t. The mention of food and my stomach took over. I couldn’t help the smile that pulled at the corner of my mouth, my stomach was in control.

Her smile grew at the sight of mine.
She
turned and her apron flowed out with the quick movement. As she ambled down the hall, I remembered how Gram's apron use to do that and my smile lost its grip on my mouth. Sigh.

Tam hugged
her
good morning before joining me. My little sister got along with everyone.

She was happy now that the danger and urgency were taken care of. She reminded me of Bandit’s behavior this morning and I chuckled. She didn’t know why I laughed, nevertheless she joined me anyway.

I stood, putting my arm around her shoulders. “From now on, you do not wait to wake me up, okay?”

Tam hugged my waist. “Okay, let’s go eat.” She started for the door.

“We’d better get dressed first.” I grabbed the back of her pajamas. “You never know who might be here.” The memory of Rob shored up my determination not to get caught in my nightgown again.

Tam huffed, and forwent the argument I knew was on the tip of her tongue. She smiled as we raced getting dressed. I was fastest and did the victory dance while Tam giggled and got tangled up in her top. I helped her straighten it and we went to eat.

Just before the last turn into the kitchen I stopped abruptly. A flock of butterflies swooped into my stomach. What if Rob still waited at the kitchen table? Would he be affected and do something stupid? Would my father be able to stop him? Was my father even in there? All these questions and more rushed through my head. If my stomach hadn’t urged me forward, I might not have moved at all. The last few steps I took cautiously, and peered around the corner. To my chagrin, everyone looked at me as I peeked around the door jam. I blushed.

Dad cocked an eyebrow. “What’re you doing, Sylvia?” I was forever looking stupid in front of him. You’d think he'd be used to it by now.

“I was checking to see who’s here.” The blush and stupidity radiated from me.

Straitening up, I stepped into the room where my stomach gurgled happily at the sight of food piled high on platters and trays. When
she
said she made way too much food, she wasn’t kidding. Unfortunately, I knew
she
wouldn’t have to worry about leftovers.

Sue placed a bowl of sliced fruit on the table. “Why were you checking to see who’s here?”

I glanced at Aunt Betty accusingly and back at Sue. “Rob was here earlier.”

Dad struggled to swallow his sip of orange juice. “What? Why was he here and why were you up so early?” He growled.

I took a step back, afraid I’d stuck my foot in it. Why was it always my fault?

“Not to worry Len, Rob comes most mornings and has breakfast with me before he feeds the flock.” Her expression was just short of a frown. My accusation must’ve upset her.

She placed a platter of bacon on the table and sat inviting us to do the same. I slipped into a chair on the other side of Tam -- away from my father.

“You need to hurry and eat.” She looked at us kids. “Jimmy and Rob should be here shortly, after they finish putting feed out for the flock.” S
he
gave Dad a hard look. “Len, you should give the blessing so these kids can get to eating.”
She
folded her arms and waited for Dad to bless the food. Dad was out of practice, so he didn’t take long.

Even though the food wasn’t up to par with Gram's, it was still good. I grudgingly gave
her
credit for not burning anything. My stomach was still a traitor as it happily let me fill it, enjoying every morsel.