The Guarded Heart (7 page)

Chapter 16

April 2013

“You get to pick the next one,” Ryder said as he handed Clint the remote and he groaned as he navigated through the screens.

“I don’t know what to watch,” he complained. “I’d rather do something than watch TV,” Clint said and Ryder shook his head as he leaned against Clint’s chest.

“We can’t cuddle and make out if you’re doing something,” he pointed out then wiggled his shoulders before sitting up. He swatted at his neck and reached under the collar of his shirt. “I’ll be right back. Just pick something,” Ryder said as he jumped to his feet and Clint’s brows pulled together as Ryder ran to the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” Clint asked as he watched from the couch.

“The tag is bugging the shit out of me,” Ryder said as he pulled his shirt over his head and Clint lost all interest in Netflix. He rose and went to the kitchen as Ryder pulled open drawers.

“What are you looking for?”

“These!” Ryder announced as he waved a large pair of stainless steel kitchen scissors in the air. He folded the collar back and quickly snipped off the tag as Clint’s hand dragged down his face.

“Those are my kitchen shears,” Clint complained and Ryder’s arm waved around him.

“I’m in the kitchen, Clint,” he said and Clint rolled his eyes as he reached for them.

“Why are you such a savage?” He grumbled as he turned on the water.

“Why are you so uptight about your house? Why do you need special scissors for the kitchen?” Ryder asked and Clint laughed under his breath as he rinsed them.

“They’re for food preparation. I use them on poultry and other foods. They’re really useful with herbs,” he explained and Ryder tilted his head in agreement.

“Fine. That makes sense,” he said. “But why do you have to get bent about me using them on a tag? They still work even though they touched something that wasn’t edible,” Ryder said and Clint shrugged as he dried them and put them back in the drawer.

“I have regular scissors in the table in the hall and there’s a pair in the office and the box in the laundry room,” he said and Ryder shook his head.

“Why does everything have to be so perfect? Why does everything have to be in its place and immaculate?” Ryder asked and Clint sighed as he turned and leaned against the counter. He crossed his arms over his chest as he considered how much he wanted to discuss. Dredging up his past wasn’t going to do good things for his mood. He was much more interested in getting Ryder out of the rest of his clothes and moving into the bedroom.

“I like having nice things,” he said as he pushed away from the counter and reached for Ryder. He shook his head as he stepped back.

“Nope,” he said firmly as he held up his shirt. “It took me about ten minutes to figure out that you like nice things. I want to know why they’re so important or this shirt goes back on and we find something long and boring to watch,” Ryder threatened and Clint stretched his neck to keep his shoulders from tightening.

“Christ,” he complained under his breath. “Why do we have to do this?” He asked and Ryder’s eyes softened as they met Clint’s.

“Because I want to know more about you,” he said gently and Clint’s body felt more taut and heavy. “I want to understand you,” Ryder added and Clint exhaled slowly. He didn’t hate the idea of Ryder knowing more about him, he just hated everything that included.

“I didn’t grow up with a lot of nice things. We never got anything new unless something was so worn out, it was beyond repairing. Even then, most of the things we got were secondhand,” Clint explained.

“You were poor?” Ryder asked and Clint raised a shoulder.

“We were just like everyone else,” he said. “My dad died when I was seven and we lived with his parents. Everyone made do with what they had. I didn’t realize people lived differently until I went to college,” Clint said and Ryder nodded.

“I bet you didn’t know a lot of people that went to college,” he said and Clint shook his head.

“No one went to college,” he said. “Everyone worked at the factory or one of the farms. My mom didn’t want that for me. She pushed me hard because she wanted me to get out,” Clint said and Ryder smiled softly. “It was like being dropped on another planet when I went to Tech to study engineering. I didn’t realize people could just
have
things for the sake of having them. We had work clothes, church clothes and school clothes. It blew my mind that people just bought clothes to have them, because they liked them, Ryder,” he said and Ryder snorted.

“It blows my mind that people care that much about clothes,” he said and Clint shook his head.

“I got a job bussing tables and as soon as I could, I bought my mom a new church dress. It was like I gave her the moon. Every time I went home I took my mom and grandma a new hat or gloves or a dress for Christmas or birthdays. My grandma never took the tags off the gloves I bought her. She wore the same pair of white gloves to church every Sunday and when she died we found a dozen brand new pairs lined up in her top drawer. We didn’t have a lot but grandma taught us to take care of what we had and we always looked our best when we left the house,” he said and Ryder’s lips curved gently.

“She sounds like a wise woman,” Ryder said as he reached for Clint and he didn’t shake his head and tell Ryder what she was really like. He didn’t want to wallow in dreadfully long Sundays spent at her knee listening to her read the Bible or complain bitterly about how the world was changing. He didn’t want to recall the countless times she got after him with a switch or the nights he went to bed without dinner. Ryder stepped closer and Clint pushed it all away as he felt Ryder’s arms slide around his waist. “Thank you for sharing that with me,” he said as he pecked at Clint’s lips. “I think we should get out of these clothes now,” he added and Clint could feel himself becoming lighter as he let his past fall away and sunk into Ryder’s warmth.

Chapter 17

May 2013

“How was your day?” Ryder asked as he swept Barkley into his arms and scratched behind his ears as he walked to the back door. “My day was pretty uneventful but I stopped at the store on the way home and bought stuff to make your daddy an apple pie,” he said. “I bought some yummy vegan ice cream and I’m going to see if he notices when I sneak it into his bowl,” Ryder whispered as he opened the back door and set Barkley on the patio. His phone rang and Ryder grinned as Clint’s name appeared. “I’m at your place and I have a surprise for you when you get home,” he said and he heard Clint groan.

“I’m going to be really late, Ryder,” he said and Ryder’s brows pulled together at the sound of sirens and cars honking.

“What happened? Are you alright?” He asked urgently.

“I’m fine but my car is totaled,” he said angrily and Ryder’s heart slammed against his ribs.

“Jesus,” he whispered shakily. “But you’re ok?” He asked and he heard Clint sigh again.

“Yeah. This asshole plowed into me instead of slowing down when the traffic backed up and I slammed into the car in front of me,” he explained. “I’ve already been checked out. I’ll be a little sore but that’s it,” Clint said and Ryder felt lightheaded as relief spread through his body.

“I’m so sorry about your car but I’m really glad you’re ok,” he said. “Do you want me to come?” Ryder asked.

“No. Everything’s backed up in both directions. I’d probably get home before you could get to me,” he said and Ryder’s chest ached, he needed to touch Clint and see that he wasn’t hurt.

“Just get home when you can. I’ll be here,” he said and pulled in his lips before words he knew Clint wasn’t ready for tumbled out.

“Alright. I’ll see you later,” Clint said and Ryder held his breath until the call ended. He turned and offered Barkley a weak smile.

“Come on, let’s go make a happy-six-months-of-pretending-we’re-not-dating-and-I’m-sorry-your-car-is-fucked pie,” Ryder mumbled as he pulled the door open. “I’m choosing to believe this isn’t a bad omen,” he added as he followed Barkley into the house.

Chapter 18

The house was dark but it smelled like heaven as Clint stepped into the kitchen. He smiled at the pie on the counter and the fire that blazed on the TV screen. He frowned at the lack of welcoming dog or Ryder as he walked into the living room then relaxed as he went around the couch. Ryder was asleep and Clint suspected that the round lump under the blanket next to Ryder was his dog.

“Hey,” Clint whispered as he bent and brushed the hair away from Ryder’s face and he hummed drowsily and smiled. “Thank you for the pie,” Clint said softly and Ryder nodded and lifted the blanket.

“Get in here,” he ordered without opening his eyes and Clint shrugged and toed out of his shoes before sitting and lowering onto his side. He carefully stretched on the couch facing Ryder and his brows fell as Ryder pulled the blanket over their heads.

“What are you doing?” Clint asked as the world went dark.

“Blanket cocoon,” Ryder announced as he pulled Clint closer.

“Why are we in a blanket cocoon?” He asked and Ryder sighed as his forehead pressed against Clint’s.

“You’ve had a really shitty day,” he said gently and Clint nodded as what little energy he had left drained from his body. “But all of that’s out there. It can’t come into the blanket cocoon. It’s just you, me and Barkley and we’re happy and safe in here,” Ryder explained as his hand slid under the back of Clint’s shirt. His fingers traced slow, soothing swirls on Clint’s skin and the tension in his shoulders and neck eased as he melted against Ryder.

“I like the blanket cocoon,” he mumbled and Ryder nodded.

“We can stay for as long as you want,” he said and Clint shut his eyes and pulled in as much of Ryder’s breath and scent as he could. Warmth and joy bloomed in Clint’s chest and his eyes watered.

“Ryder, I…” It stuck in his throat and he swallowed hard, trying to dislodge it.

“Hmmm?” Ryder hummed and Clint cursed silently.

“I like the way you smell,” he said.

“I ran out of bar soap so I used dish soap,” Ryder murmured and Clint snorted.

“You’re a mess,” he said and Ryder shook his head.

“I’m pretty sure I’m clean. It cuts through grease, yet mild on hands and faces and arms and legs and my junk,” he said and Clint bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing.

“I don’t even know how to respond to that,” he said and Ryder shrugged.

“You can tell me you admire my lack of water spots,” he said and Clint gave in and laughed. It felt life a gift and Clint wished he had the courage to say the words and felt like he might be ready to ask Ryder to stay and never go back to his crappy apartment. For a moment, it was pressing against Clint’s lips. It would have been so easy to say that Ryder needed to live with him so he could make sure he always had soap. But Clint swallowed all of it and burrowed into Ryder and pushed his conscience outside the blanket cocoon. He savored the warm, hard body next his and the ball of Barkley snoring against his stomach as his consciousness faded.

Chapter 19

August 2015

“Shannon is a for real cunt,” Jonathan declared and Clint held up his hand, halting him as he shook his head.

“No. She’s protecting Ryder. She’s always protected him,” he said and Jonathan pulled a face. “She was right about me,” Clint admitted and Jonathan gave him a pitying look and Clint chewed his lip thoughtfully. “Apologize for bothering her and anything else you might have done. Send her a case of wine and tickets to something she can take the kids to and see if she warms up. If not, leave her alone,” Clint said and Jonathan sighed as he dropped his phone in his bag.

“I’ll take care of that tomorrow morning,” he said as he stood. “I’m off to Atlanta. I’ll make sure The Rainforest has the lighting fixed before Palmer gets there,” Jonathan said and Clint nodded.

“Thanks, try to turn in early and stay out of trouble,” he teased and Jonathan pursed his lips and waved dismissively.

“Honey, I’m planning to get into all kinds of trouble after I’m done taking care of your business,” he said and Clint laughed.

“I’m not bailing you out,” he promised and Jonathan hissed over his shoulder as he sailed through the door.

Clint waited until he heard Jonathan’s car pull out of the driveway before he leaned forward and rested his head in his hands. His chest felt like it was locked in a vise. He hadn’t taken a free breath, felt his lungs completely expand, since the night he let Ryder walk away. It took months to shake the dread and panic and it came back when he let Ryder drive off in a cab four days earlier. It was like realizing someone had stolen his wallet or cleared out his bank accounts. Something he needed was out there and he couldn’t find it. But instead of money or his identity, this was something so much more precious and rare.

He was exhausted but he was too restless to sleep. Everything stopped. Clint couldn’t focus on work and he wasn’t in the mood to start any new projects. He paced around the house until he felt like he was losing his mind then went for a drive or to Trader Joe’s and filled his cart with shit that didn’t make any sense. And he couldn’t stop making an ass out of himself. He kept running into people or knocking things over because he’d see a brunette with a beard out of the corner of his eye and he’d have to see if it was Ryder. If he kept it up, he’d be persona non grata at Trader Joe’s and have to shop someplace else.

Clint groaned as he leaned back and slouched in his seat. He couldn’t stand feeling so desperate and helpless. He’d do anything if he had the chance. At the same time, he was scared. What if he got the chance and he failed and Ryder said no? He’d gone so many months without closure but Clint wasn’t sure if he was going to be happy once he got it.

Chapter 20

July 2013

Parker’s was more slammed than usual as Clint and Ryder wound their way through the bodies loitering in front of the hostess’ station.

“Hey! They’re clearing your table now,” the perkier hostess said as she smiled at Clint and he nodded and scanned the room. Ryder scooted closer and pressed himself against Clint’s back and slid his hand around his hip as he angled his lips closer to Clint’s ear. Clint jumped and leaned away and his eyes were wide as they swung to Ryder’s.

“What are you doing?” He whispered urgently and Ryder’s head pulled back as he frowned.

“I was just going to tell you it was a good thing you always call in to reserve a table,” he said and Clint took a small step back and crossed his arms over his chest.

“That’s cool but you know I’m not comfortable with PDA,” he said and Ryder’s lips pulled tight as he turned his attention to the crowd of people waiting for their tables, letting the topic drop. It had been such a natural, unconscious thing to touch Clint and get closer, he hated that it wasn’t welcomed. He understood that Clint didn’t feel comfortable with PDA and he tried to respect his boundaries but Ryder didn’t understand why Clint had to react so strongly to such a small slip-up.

“It’s ready!” The hostess said and Ryder waved for Clint to go ahead and follow her. He spotted a gay couple kissing on the patio just as he reached his seat and Ryder felt a flutter of jealousy. He didn’t want to make out with Clint in public but he decided there was nothing unreasonable about wanting to be able to put his arm around him or lean close and kiss his cheek from time to time. It would be nice to know that Clint actually thought of him as something more than the guy that kept his bed warm.

“I’m sorry I freaked out,” Clint said as he discreetly reached under the table and squeezed Ryder’s knee affectionately. “You know I prefer to save that for when we’re alone,” he added and Ryder nodded as he straightened the packets of sugar on the table.

“I’m sorry I forgot that I wasn’t supposed to touch you,” he mumbled and Clint sighed heavily as he leaned back in his seat.

“Ryder,” it was tired and sounded a little like a warning and Ryder’s temper simmered as the server approached.

“Roasted vegetables and granola,” he announced when she smiled expectantly at him. His eyes flicked to Clint. “I wouldn’t want to change anything or try something new,” Ryder said and Clint’s tongue pushed against the inside of his cheek.

“I’ll have the same,” he said and the waitress’ brows jumped.

“Two roasted veggies and granola,” she said and Clint nodded.

“And a carafe of the blueberry and lemon mimosas,” he added and Ryder pretended to be shocked.

“What will people think?” He asked as she left to put in their order and Clint shrugged as he looked around.

“I don’t care what people think as long as they aren’t thinking about me,” he said and Ryder rolled his eyes and went about paying attention to everything but Clint.

Sensing conversation of any sort wasn’t an option, Clint pulled out his phone and entertained himself. Ryder offered a pair of elderly women at the next table a stiff nod and regretted that he wasn’t in the mood to smile and compliment them. On a normal morning, he would have enjoyed a little mild flirting to charm them and make them laugh. He wasn’t sure why he was so irritated by Clint’s reaction to a little accidental affection or not having their relationship clearly defined. His mood hadn’t lifted by the time their food arrived and it plummeted when the world’s most obnoxiously in love gay couple was seated in Ryder’s direct line of sight.

“Jared’s moving out,” Ryder announced loudly and Clint’s eyes flicked from his fork to Ryder’s face.

“Oh?” He asked and Ryder nodded as he prodded a roasted carrot.

“He’s going to live with Cas. They got engaged,” he said and Clint paled. He set his fork down and wiped his mouth with his napkin. Ryder knew he was stalling when he slowly raised his glass and drained it. He cleared his throat several times and Ryder leaned and rested his chin in his palm. This had the potential to be amusing or a complete train wreck.

“Is this your way of hinting that you want me to propose?” He asked and Ryder groaned as he covered his eyes and squeezed his temples. “Do you want to move in?” Clint asked and Ryder’s hand dragged down his face. Things were heading toward train wreck.

“I don’t want to do anything because other people are doing them, Clint. I want to do what’s right for us but I have no fucking clue what’s going on with us,” he said and Clint shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“I thought things were going really well, actually,” he said and rested his elbows on the table. “This is a record for me,” Clint added and Ryder narrowed his eyes.

“It’s going well because neither of us has to change or give up anything. We’re just coasting,” he said and Clint sighed.

“Why are you doing this? I thought you weren’t high maintenance like the others,” he complained and Ryder fell back in his seat and his eyes flared.

“There is no way you can claim that I’m high maintenance. And fuck you for comparing me to the others,” he said. “Wanting to know that I’m not some long term fuck buddy and you’re not going to move on when you find someone more your type isn’t unreasonable.” Clint flinched when Ryder tossed his napkin on the table and stood.

“Where are you doing?” Clint asked as Ryder pushed in his chair.

“I’m going for a walk,” he said and Clint frowned. “I’ll meet you out front,” Ryder said then turned and pushed his way through the restaurant, keeping his head down to avoid curious glances.

Ryder jammed his hands in his pockets and marched up the street. He stopped in front of the antique store and stared at the alley where he first kissed Clint and a wave of regret rolled through him. Maybe he pushed a little too hard and was expecting Clint to change too quickly. God knows Ryder wasn’t planning to change all that much. Ryder exhaled slowly, trying to push all of his frustration and irritation away when his phone vibrated.

Clint

Where are you?

Ryder

I’m on my way.

He turned and headed back to Parker’s. As soon as Clint spotted him he waved down a cab and held the door open for Ryder. They silently studied the view on their own side of the cab until it stopped in front of Clint’s house then quietly got out and walked to the front door. Ryder looked at his car and considered going home and letting things blow over until Clint opened the door and looked at Ryder expectantly. Ryder walked in and tossed his hoodie on the arm of the couch and Clint’s lips pulled tight. He hated the hoodie and he hated seeing it in his perfect house.

“I didn’t grow up in a commune, Ryder,” Clint said and Ryder rolled his eyes as he turned to face Clint.

“We left the commune when I was six,” he corrected and Clint laughed softly.

“Right. But you had the sort of parents that lived in a commune and you were raised around people like them,” he said and Ryder shrugged. “I grew up in Mayberry,” Clint said and Ryder’s brows pulled together. Clint barely talked about his childhood or family. “But my Mayberry wasn’t the folksy, everything-turns-out-right-in-the-end Mayberry. It’s full of bigots and nothing ever changes. I spent the first twenty years of my life terrified that someone would find out my terrible secret,” he explained and Ryder’s chest tightened. “You don’t know what it’s like when I go home.” His voice wavered and Ryder’s eyes started to sting. “There’s a hardware store up the street from my mom’s house with a sign in the window that says
Gays Not Welcome
,” he said and Ryder groaned as he reached for Clint. He pulled him into his arms and rubbed his back soothingly.

“I’m really sorry,” he whispered and Clint sighed.

“Me too,” he said. “I know it sounds terrible but I don’t care if people know I’m gay but I’m not comfortable with them seeing me
be
gay,” Clint explained and Ryder frowned as he leaned back and studied Clint.

“But you work with gay artists and DJs, mostly in gay venues,” Ryder said and Clint nodded.

“I know. My mom accepted me and has always been cool about it and everyone I know acts like it isn’t a big deal. But I don’t want to deal with the people that aren’t cool with it,” he said and Ryder nodded. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable with being like that in public,” Clint said and Ryder smiled softly as he cradled Clint’s jaw.

“I get it and I won’t try to feel you up in public anymore,” Ryder said and Clint laughed.

“You can feel me up whenever you want at home,” he offered and Ryder growled softly as he tilted his head and nipped Clint’s ear and he felt him tense. “If you want to move in, I would be ok with it,” Clint said and Ryder hummed thoughtfully as his lips slid across Clint’s cheek.

“You’d be ok with it. You know how to make a girl’s heart skip a beat,” he teased and Clint snorted.

“I’m mostly worried about your belongings being in my house,” he admitted and Ryder laughed as he pressed his forehead to Clint’s.

“Is that all you’re worried about?” He asked and Clint’s lips pulled tight.

“What if you move in and it ruins everything? Then all of your shit is here and you have to find someplace else to live and I’ll keep finding little things that belong to you for years,” he said and Ryder shook his head.

“I’m not moving in,” he announced and Clint frowned.

“Are you sure? I like the idea of always knowing you’re here,” he said and Ryder shrugged.

“I’ll always be here but I’ll keep my stuff at my place until you’re not worried it’ll ruin everything,” he said and Clint nodded.

“Are we ok?” He asked and Ryder grinned.

“We’re ok,” he said and Clint relaxed. “But you have to go with me to hang out with Shannon and the kids tomorrow,” Ryder said and he groaned.

“Couldn’t you punish me by making me hang out at your place?” He whined and Ryder shook his head.

“Nope. I want my excellent, gorgeous boyfriend to meet my best friend and her awesome kids. I love them like they’re my family and I want you to spend some time with them,” he said firmly.

“Fine. But I’m warning you, I don’t do well with kids,” he said and Ryder shook his head.

“Doesn’t matter. Be yourself and be present, that’s all I’m expecting,” he said and Clint nodded.

“Deal,” he said as he untucked Ryder’s shirt. “Makeup sex?” Clint asked and Ryder cheered softly as he raised his arms.

“This is gonna be amazing!” He sang as he danced back and unbuckled his belt and Clint began unbuttoning his shirt as he followed.

“Tell me, should I be jealous of this excellent, gorgeous boyfriend of yours?” He asked and Ryder shook his head as he backed down the hall.

“Nah. He’s pretty but he’s not that great in bed,” he teased and Clint laughed as he shrugged out of his shirt and dropped it.

“You’re about to take that back,” he warned.