Tonic (34 page)

Kira was even more relentless than her mother. I groaned, and she smiled before disappearing again.

I sighed once I was alone, feeling that loneliness, that emptiness. Loss of purpose, that was part of it. Loss of Joel. That was a bigger part. But he couldn’t be any more clear. It was over. And the only silver lining was the comfort of having done the right thing, even if the right thing for everyone else was the complete and utter sacrifice of what I wanted.

I hauled my body off the bed and shuffled into the bathroom, turning on the shower once the door was closed. I stripped down automatically, sticking my hand in the stream until it was hot enough to burn, climbing in to let the water beat down on me. Roxy was right — the shower was cleansing, the soap crisp and fresh in my nose, bringing me back into humanity by a degree. I even shaved my legs, feeling inspired by the thought of walking down to the ocean with the sun shining, the wind blowing with the little bit of crispness the water gave to the air.

I even brushed my teeth, mostly because they didn’t really feel scummy until the rest of me was clean. Roxy was waiting in my room when I walked back in, wearing nothing but a towel. She sat on my bed — which she’d made neatly — with her legs folded in lotus, looking terribly pleased with herself. The curtains were thrown open, making the room look almost cheery. A little part of me hated her for it.
 

“Still hate me?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said as I opened my closet door.

“Liar.”

I chuckled, reaching for a sundress I hadn’t worn in a couple of years. It was white and gauzy, like a slip, probably the least tailored article of clothing I owned that wasn’t pajamas.
 

“Kira’s already ready to go,” she said as I dressed and toweled off my hair. “Are you hungry? We could pick something up on the way.”

“Food sounds terrible.”

“Well, let me at least make you a smoothie.” She unfolded her legs and stood just as the doorbell rang.

We shared a look.

“I’ll get it,” she said as she left the room and trotted down the stairs. The door opened. A rumbling voice echoed words I couldn’t quite hear downstairs, and my heart stopped.

“Annika?” she called, and I stepped into the hall, my eyes down as I descended the stairs with numb hands.

First I only saw his shadow, then his shoes. Then his legs, his arms, his chest. His face, so changed from the last time I’d seen him, but just as familiar as it ever was. Our eyes locked, and I moved to him like I was caught in a tractor beam. Roxy disappeared. Everything disappeared, and for one, long moment, it was just the two of us in the whole universe.

Something squirmed in Joel’s arms, and he looked down, shifting his arms and hands to hang onto it.
 

A kitten.
 

Joel Anderson was at my doorstep, holding a kitten, smirking at me like a beautiful, hairy bastard.

My mouth was open, I realized distantly, and my eyes found his, so bright, so green, the blue in them more vibrant than I’d remembered. It seemed like a lifetime since he’d looked at me like that.

“So, are you gonna invite me in?” he asked, still smirking.

I blinked at him and tried to smile, moving out of the way so he could step in. I closed the door, so utterly shocked that I didn’t even know where to begin.

“What are you doing here?” I asked his back as he walked into my living room and sat down like he lived there.

“Come here and I’ll tell you.”

I walked in silently and sat next to him on the couch, hoping this all meant what I thought it did, telling myself I was wrong.

He turned on the couch and handed me the kitten, a snow white ball of fur with crystal-blue eyes. It mewed and nestled into me, trying to crawl up my arms, small and warm and the most precious thing I’d ever seen in my whole life.

I watched it wiggle around, petting it as my heart threatened to explode with happiness.

“I’d like you to meet Hairy.”

I laughed for the first time in a week as my nose burned. Ice Queen, my ass — I was a gooey mess, stripped and bare, with no armor to hide behind.

“Joel … I don’t know what to say.” My eyes were on the little cat. I couldn’t look at Joel.

“You don’t have to say anything, Annika. I have plenty to say for the both of us.”

I swallowed, my attention still on Hairy 2.0.

“You quit. Because of me, because of the shop. I know … I know what I said hurt you. That was why I said it. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me, but I didn’t expect you to quit. I don’t want you to sacrifice everything, not when it was just as much my fault as it was yours.”

I nodded down at Hairy, not trusting my voice.

“So, I want you to come back. I won’t fight you, and neither will the shop. Come back to the show.”

Elation and pain — those were the acute emotions I felt at his words. This — him being here, the kitten as a peace offering — wasn’t about him and me. It was about the show. But that wasn’t all I wanted. I looked up at him, finally meeting his eyes. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was all I would get. And maybe we could be friends. Maybe there was hope.
 

I smiled past the pain of knowing he wouldn’t be mine. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure, and so is everyone.” He chuckled. “Well, almost everyone. I’m still working on Penny.”

I laughed softly with him, clutching the furry bundle to my chest.
 

He reached over to scratch Hairy’s head. “I thought this little guy might make you feel better. Not that Kaz could ever be replaced.”

I smiled. “Please, I don’t think a cat exists that could ever be so ornery as Kaz.”

He smiled back, his hand still on the cat. “But you can only keep him under one condition.”

My brow dropped, my chest tightening. “A condition?”

Joel nodded, his eyes on mine, open and honest and earnest. “You have to come back to me, too.”

My breath hitched. “What?” I whispered.

His eyes fell to the cat as he resumed his scratching, and Hairy leaned into his hand. “I … I understand if it’s too much to ask, after everything I’ve said, after the way I’ve treated you. I was wrong, Annika. I was wrong to treat you the way that I did. You lied to me, but I lied to you, too. I told you what you needed to hear to convince you to stay with me, told you there would be no consequences. But the truth is, I’ve been falling for you since the second you walked into my shop.”

“Joel …”

He looked up. “Not yet. Don’t answer me yet. Let me finish.”

I nodded, and he took a breath. “Your lie split me open when I was already raw, exposed from trusting you, and I just couldn’t handle it. It hurt too much.”

Emotion climbed up my throat, my vision blurring as I reached for his face. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

He closed his eyes and turned his head to press a kiss into my palm. “Shh. It’s okay. It’s all right, Annika. I betrayed your trust too. I was scared because I haven’t loved anyone in so long. And then, I found you.” His eyes searched mine. “Forgive me. Come back to me.”

I closed my eyes and answered him with a kiss. It was sweet relief, washing over me in waves as I breathed him in after believing I never would again. After thinking I’d lost him forever. And then he showed up at my door with a kitten and a smirk, asking me to forgive him when I hadn’t been able to forgive myself. But the weight of it fell from me like shackles, and I kissed him, telling him without words that I needed him.

He broke away and pressed his forehead to mine, holding me there for a moment while we just breathed and listened to our heartbeats as they pumped heavily in our chests.

“I can’t believe you came,” I finally said. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

I smiled and pulled back to get a good look at him. “And you brought me a cat.”

He smiled back, the color rising in his cheeks, just a touch. “I found out yesterday that you quit, and I decided to come here, but it was too late to find one, so I had to wait to come see you. You have no idea how hard that was, not coming straight here. I kind of still wish I had.”

“Me too. But this is maybe the best surprise I’ve ever gotten. A hot, bearded, tattooed, apologetic man with a kitten. How could I say no?”

He laughed. “Oh, I’m sure you could have found a way.” His fingers skated across the line of my jaw. “But I’m sure glad you didn’t.” He laid a sweet kiss on my lips.

The kitten wiggled again, and I broke away to keep a hold of him. “God, Joel. This cat is adorable.” I held him up, inspecting him, and he mewed at me.

“I knew the second I saw him that he was the one. He reminded me of you, the snow fox with icy eyes. But he’s just a little pile of fluff,” he said as he petted Hairy. “Just like you.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, and a second later I heard Kira running down the stairs.

“Hairy!” she squealed, sprinting through the living room and into Joel’s arms.
 

“Hey, Bunny.”

She squeezed him. “I’m glad you came back.”

“Me too, kid. Did you meet my friend Hairy?” he asked as he pulled away, and she turned to me, her face stretching open when she saw the kitten.

“Oh my gosh,” she breathed and reached for him, picking him up under his arms. She clutched him to her chest and gasped. “A kitty! Oh my gosh,
a kitty
!”

I laughed and smoothed her hair as Roxy came in shaking her head, but she was smiling.
 

“You’ve outdone yourself, Joel.”

“Psh, please. This is nothing. I’m reserving the big guns for the serious fights.”

I glanced at him to make sure he was kidding.
 

He was. I think.

Roxy knelt down to pet Hairy. “Well, Kira and I are going to get out of your hair for the day, aren’t we?” she asked Kira.

She pouted. “I wanna play with the kitty.”

“I know, and you can. Later.” Roxy smiled at us. “Much later.”

Kira handed the cat over, and they left after a few minutes. And then it was just us. I stood and reached for Joel’s hand, and he took it, the humor leaving him, replaced by quietude as he followed me up the stairs and into my room.

We lay down facing each other, heads propped on our hands, the kitten between us, pawing at an old toy of Kaz’s.
 

“I’m sorry, Annika.”

I smiled at him. “You already said that.”

But he didn’t smile back. “I mean it. At least you didn’t mean to hurt me. I wanted to hurt you. I … I don’t know if I’ll forgive myself for that.”

“Please, don’t do that. I felt the same way — I didn’t know if I could forgive myself for what I’d done to you. I never meant to hurt you. I had this big plan to navigate the show around you, to refuse what I could, tell you what I couldn’t. Show Laney at the end just how clever I was to be able to have my cake and eat it. I fought her — I wanted to tell you.”

“I know,” he said softly.

“When you said you wouldn’t work with me, that you didn’t want to see me … I knew there was really only one way to make it right. So I left. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore.”

His eyes were sad as he leaned forward, cupping the back of my head to kiss my forehead.
 

I scooted closer to him, moving the cat out of the way, twining my legs with his as Hairy jumped off the bed and went exploring. “For so long, I’ve been split in two. There was the me I had to be for my job, the job where I spent eighty hours a week, and then there was the real me. Those two parts of myself have been at war for so long, and I didn’t even realize it. But you saw
me
. You made me realize that everything that other part of me thought was right was bullshit. You’re real, and everything else is a cardboard cutout. I just couldn’t tell until I found the real thing.”

He smiled, but his eyes brimmed with emotion. “You think I’m the real thing?”

I laughed. “I do.” My fingers fiddled with the buttons on his shirt, and my gaze was pinned there, away from his eyes. “Did you mean what you said about falling for me?”

He rested his hand on my hip and nodded. “From the minute I first saw you.”

“Me too, you know. Even though I fought it.”

He smirked. “Well, I
am
hard to resist.”

I laughed, and he pulled me closer until our bodies were flush. “You really are. Maybe it’s all that hair.”

“Or the tattoos.” He leaned over me, angling for my lips.

My hand smoothed over his bicep. “Or the muscles.”

He smiled and kissed me deep, pressing me back into the bed as my arms wound around his neck. He felt so good against me, his lips, the weight of his body.

When he broke away, he stroked my cheek, looking down at me. “I’m sorry,” he said again, a whisper.
 

“It’s all right,” I whispered back.

He closed his eyes and bowed his head, trailing the tip of his nose up the bridge of mine. “It’s not, but I’ll make it up to you. I’ll make it right.” And he kissed me again, telling me with the action alone that he meant it, that it didn’t matter how long it took.
 

But he’d already fixed it, and I told him so with my own lips, forgiving him with every heartbeat. It was a long time that we lay there wrapped around each other until kissing turned to roaming hands. His fingers skated up my thigh, under the hem of my dress, cupping my ass, pulling me into his hips.
 

I moaned — I couldn’t help it. I felt like I was starving, like the week I’d spent without him sent my body into sleep, and his kiss, his touch woke it again, and it was hungry for him. His fingers trailed fire, slipping between my legs, teasing me with his fingertips as I rolled my hips, wanting him to touch me, wanting to touch him. So I teased him back, slipping my fingers into the top of his pants to graze anything I could get to. His shaft. His crown. He hissed against my lips when my nails slipped over his skin, his hand flexing, forcing a finger into me.

My mouth hung open, and he dipped his head, kissing down my neck, to my breasts. I couldn’t reach him anymore, so I settled unhappily for my arms around his neck, clutching him to me, grinding my hips against him to relieve the pressure. His hand left the warmth of me to pull the low neck of my dress down, to stroke the curve of my breast and squeeze it in his palm, thumb brushing my nipple before I felt the wet heat of his mouth, his tongue rolling, teeth against the peak, gentle and demanding all at once.