2 Unhitched (9 page)

“I’m now officially Auntie Elz,” gloats Elz in her singsong voice. She’s bestowed upon Swan a closet-full of fabulous shoes that every Lalaland princess would die for. Except they won’t fit her until she’s twenty.

“The baby’s adorable,” gushes Elz. She’s not wearing her glasses. She’s in for a big surprise.

“Cinderella looks like she’s drowned in a moat,” comments Winnie.

“She probably just needs a hug,” says Elz. She waltzes over to her.

They have grown quite close. Cinderella, the perfect, kind-hearted princess she is, readily forgave her stepsister for her not-so-nice behavior when they were growing up. She knew Elz’s wicked mother had manipulated her. Thanks to Cinderella’s support and generous investment, Elz was able to turn The Glass Slipper into a multi-million dollar empire with shoe stores all over Lalaland.

I hover over the banquet table with the svelter than ever Winnie, who carefully measures how much food she puts onto her plate. At last, a chance to talk to her.

Keeping an eye out for Aurora, I hastily fill in her about last night. No, not about Cinderella’s mama drama. About Gallant’s confession.

Winnie shrugs. “Just because Gallant knows Aurora and went to her house doesn’t mean he’s sleeping with her.”

I want to shake her. What will it take to convince her that Gallant is having an affair?

“Keep your eyes peeled for the homewrecker,” I whisper in her ear.

“Jane, that’s absurd. What makes you think she’s here?”

“With all these people, it’s a perfect opportunity for her to see Gallant. No one will notice when they secretly saunter off.”

She dismissively rolls her eyes. There’s no point to telling her about my sexual escapade with Gallant. Or my torn feelings that teeter between regret and desire.

Her attention is diverted. “Guess who’s coming our way.”

Oh no! Gallant and the man-eater. My stomach gets all knotty. And my heart skips a beat. I’m not ready to take her on.

“Yo, Ho, Ho,” It’s Hook, dressed in his pirate-finest. Tight britches, shiny black boots, and a blousy linen shirt that’s opened wide enough to reveal the forest of hair on his taut chest. For once, I’m relieved to see him.

“So, Jane, are you ready for a little baby of your own?” he asks, eying me up and down.

My relief is short-lived. I want to yank off that hook of his and hang him by his balls with it. “You’ll be the last to know,” I say through clenched teeth.

His lips twitch, and he straightens up. Gothel, in her mile high leather boots, struts over to us and jerks him away. Her fierce violet eyes clash with mine. I can read her face perfectly. It says, “Watch it, sister, or you’re dead.” She’s even scarier than I thought.

“What was that all about?” asks Winnie.

“No idea,” I reply, not wanting to get into details. I’m just glad to be rid of Hook. And the dragonslayer. My eyes flicker around the room. I’m sure Aurora’s beautiful. The problem is that there are dozens of gorgeous princesses strutting around. The gift of beauty must be a fairy godmother standard.

“Winnie, Aurora’s got Gallant on her brain. You’re a mind reader. Which one is she?”

Winnie rolls her eyes again. “Jane, you’re being ridiculous. I have no idea. I’ve never even met her.” She takes a small helping of the fanciful cake she’s baked and wanders over to Hook and Gothel. Traitor! Just wait till she asks me for an itty-bitty favor.

Okay, I’m on my own.

I eliminate all the redheads; Gallant isn’t the redhead type. My evil mother was a blonde, albeit a fake one. And she doesn’t really count because she had him under a spell. She’s got to be a brunette; make that a raven-haired beauty; I’m sure. Snow White had ebony hair, and so do I.

My eyes finally land on several extremely attractive dark-haired princesses. They are chatting away with a stunning blonde, wearing a sparkly tiara that must have cost a small fortune. Which one is that bitch Aurora? I’m waiting for a sign. My eyes widen when one of the stunning brunettes, with curls down to her waist, breaks away from the pack. My gaze follows her across the room. With long, graceful steps, she weaves through the crowd. Holy shit!
She’s going after Gallant!
Catching up to him, she wraps her arms around him like she owns him. Gallant’s face lights up like a lantern. My heart slams against my chest. I’m more than 100% confident. It’s her! For sure! The man-eater!
Jane, chill. Don’t overreact
. I take deep yoga breaths, but when Gallant plants a big kiss on her cheek, I start panting like a dog. I’m so heated up I can smell smoke.

“Get your hands off
My
Prince, missy!” I scream inside my head. Time to charge. I elbow my way through the packed room.

Someone grips my arm. So tightly, I can’t take another step.

“My dear, you look like you’ve gained a little weight.”‘

I whirl around. It’s Fairweather. Flossie and Fanta flank her.

“And seem a little stressed out,” adds Flossie.

“You must get back into yoga,” tisks Fanta.

Dragonballs! This is so not the time for Badass Fairy chitchat. I struggle to break free of Fairweather’s forceful grip. But can’t. All that yoga has given her the strength and stamina of a behemoth. I swivel my head toward Gallant and Aurora! Where are they? Frantically, I search the crowd. They’re gone!

“You know, we didn’t really want to come today,” says Fairweather.

“It’s been such a long time since we’ve used our fairy magic!” chimes Flossie.

“The last time we used it on Princess Aurora was such a horrible experience!” exclaims Fanta.

Princess Aurora?
They know Aurora? A hazy recollection comes back to me. Of course, they were Sleeping Beauty’s fairy godmothers before they retired and became life coaches at Faraway. They must know
everything
about her!

“Oh, have you seen Aurora here today?” I ask as calmly as I can.

“We saw her earlier,” beams Flossie. “My gift of beauty really paid off.”

Gulp!

“As beautiful as ever,” chimes Fairweather.

Gulp!

“A knockout!” exclaims Fanta.

Gulp! My blood is sizzling.
And, by chance, does she have waist-length chestnut hair and move with the
grace of a gazelle?
My throat thickens. Before I can get the words out, the three Badass Fairies plow through crowd, heading toward the open French doors.

“Wait!” I shout out, chasing after them.

“We must get back to Faraway,” says Fairweather.

“We can’t be late for our newest inmate,” says Flossie. “A very nasty fellow—Bluebeard. Our first wife murderer!”

“And at our age, we need to give ourselves plenty of flying time,” says Fanta. Flossie and Fairweather shoot her a dirty look.

“You must come visit,” says Fairweather as she adjusts her fairy wings and attempts, like her sisters, to bounce into the air. It takes them several embarrassing tries.

“I’ll do that,” I reply. In fact, I’ll be there tomorrow. I want—and need—to know everything there is to know about Aurora. I’m going to take her down! Even it means being Faraway’s first mistress murderer.

I elbow my way back through the crowd. My stomach muscles clench as my eyes search in every direction. Still no sign of Gallant and Aurora.

Dazed and distracted, I bump head on into The Queen of Hearts. Humpty Dumpty, with his notepad and stylus in hand, is peering around her gown, all ears.

“So, my dear, when are
you
going to give us a grandchild?” she asks, stuffing her mouth with a heapful of the red velvet cake.

I’m so taken aback by her question that I stumble and knock her plate out of her hand. It lands on Humpty’s head, cracking it down the middle. Yellow goo oozes out as his eyes roll back into his head.

I’m tempted to give the dazed egghead a scoop. First things first.
Not before Gallant and I get a divorce!

Chapter 7

T
HE BADASS FAIRIES HAD BETTER be good for something, I think, as Faraway rises in the distance. The journey has been long and stressful, my stomach in knots every mile of the way. I’ve been unable to read the book I brought along. Or use the time to work on my next children’s book. I’ve been too distracted. Only one thing has been on my mind. Aurora.

As my coach travels down the yellow brick road that leads to the gatehouse, an arsenal of memories explodes in my head. I remember the first time I saw Faraway, thinking I was being sent to a spa. Whoof! Was I wrong. It turned out to be a rundown rehab facility for people like me who were addicted to evil. Yes, I was here for a makeover. Just not the kind I was expecting.

Memory after memory flashes through my head. The hair fairies who deloused my waist-length hair by chopping it all off… My first encounter with Elzmerelda and her evil scary-skinny sister Sasperilla… Bread making with Winnie… Our yoga classes with Fairweather… My painful therapy sessions with Shrink… And my humiliating group sessions with Dr. Grimm, where, one by one, my fellow inmates and I came to grips with our addictions and the demons of our pasts. And as the coach crosses over the moat, I shudder at the memory of my near-fatal escape. It’s been a little over two years, but it feels like only yesterday.

“Jane, welcome back!” says the gatehouse guard. It’s Gulliver. The same goofy giant that I tricked into thinking I was Fanta when I tried to escape. “What brings you here?”

“I’m here to see the Bad—I, mean Good Fairies.” At least, he didn’t think I was checking back into this place.

He unlocks the gate with a large metal key without asking another question. My heart beats like a ticking clock as the coach pulls up to the front entrance. The memories of this place have messed with my head. I’m consumed with dread and belonging. I am The Evil Queen again. That vain, jealous woman who tried to kill Snow White. “Get a grip, Jane. Remember why you came back here,” I find myself saying aloud. Easier said than done. It takes all I have to hold on to who I am.

A pixie greets me. “Ah, you must be Jane. The Good Fairies said you might be visiting.” Despite her wee size, she manages to swing open the heavy front door and escorts me inside.

My eyes grow wide. Faraway is way less rundown than I remember it. In fact, it’s rather luxurious. The stone walls are freshly painted in bright colors (not that drab yellow), and posh furniture and rugs are scattered throughout. There’s even a gold-leaf mirror hanging over a gilded credenza. Life is so unfair! Why couldn’t it be like this for me? I would have killed to look at myself in a mirror and hear it say, “You, My Queen, are the fairest of all.”

A familiar voice jolts me back to the present.

“Hello, Jane. What brings you here?” It’s Dr. Grimm, who happens to be the slightly older brother of my renowned Lalaland fertility specialist. Faraway may look a hell of a lot better, but Grimm doesn’t. He’s still wearing the same somber, ill-fitting frock coat. And as unkempt and morose as ever. So the opposite of his spiffy, jovial brother. It’s interesting how two people so close in age and raised in the same household can turn out so differently.

“I’m here to see the Good Fairies,” I tell him without mentioning the purpose of my little surprise visit.

“I’ll let them know you’re here,” he says in his usual glum, monotone voice. “By the way, how’s Gallant doing?”

I’m taken aback by his question. How come he didn’t ask me how I’m doing? I’m the former inmate, the one with issues. The mere mention of Gallant’s name makes every muscle in my body tense up.

“Oh, he’s just fine and dandy,” I say, unable to hold back the sarcasm.

Grimm nods approvingly. “Good to hear,” he says with a hint of surprise.

Why shouldn’t Gallant be? He’s got it all. A wonderful family… a brilliant career…
and
a
beautiful rich mistress.

Grimm slumps off, and I’m back to fuming. Gallant’s probably with the Sleeping Slut right now. Tilting back her head… pressing his lush lips against hers… peeling her gown off her lithe body. Burning bile rushes to the back of my throat as the Badass Fairies waddle toward me, one behind the other.

“Jane, we weren’t expecting to see you so soon,” says Fairweather.

“Did you come for our party?” asks Flossie.

“What party?” I ask with surprise. This joint
really
has changed. We never had parties when I was here except when someone was being released. Make-believe birthday parties to celebrate an inmate’s recovery. A rebirthing so to speak. Mine was one of the happiest days of my life.

“We’re celebrating the completion of our extreme home makeover,” chimes Fanta.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” exclaims Flossie, her voice giddy. “It’s thanks to all the money raised by the Midas Foundation.”

Yes, King Midas was once an inmate at Faraway. He came here for his evil addiction to gold and the power of wealth. While undergoing treatment, he met his second wife, The Queen of Hearts, who was being treated for her major anger management issue. They’ve since devoted their lives to fundraising and improving Faraway. Frankly, it’s about time they gave this place a makeover. It sure needed it.

Flossie continues. “The King and Queen will be here shortly to cut the blue ribbon. I hear they’re coming with Gallant.”

My blood runs cold. Midas and The Queen of Hearts are on their way here? And Gallant too? I need to interrogate the three fairies quickly and get the hell out of here. I don’t want any members of the royal family to see me here, especially Gallant.

“Come, dear. Let us show you the new and improved Enchanted Garden,” says Fairweather before I can get out a word. “It’s all decked out for the party.”

Flossie and Fanta each take me by an arm and escort me outdoors. Fairweather waddles close behind us. They’re wasting precious time. I need to know everything about Aurora before Gallant and his parents arrive. Panic grips me. How should I begin? I don’t want them to be suspicious.
Think, Jane, think!

Okay. I’ve got it. Sometimes I’m just an unexpected creative genius.

“I’m writing a new children’s book,” I say, walking down the long corridor that leads to the garden. “It’s about Sleeping Beauty.”