3 Heads & a Tail (20 page)

“
V
oof, voof, voof!
”
Right, that
'
s it. I
'
ve h
ad it. I
'
m sitting down. Ha!
“
Voof! Voof Voof!
”
That foxed you! Now you
'
re stopping, big guy!

So now you
'
re looking at me
. Yep you are going to have to walk SLOWER.
That
'
s S-L-O-W-E-
R, mister.
I
ain
'
t
no puppy any
more. Do I look like a puppy?
Do I? And if you call me boy one more time I
'
m going to bite you! See, I
'
m showing my teeth!
They
'
re big, no?
I know I can
'
t bite you
'
cos it
'
s illegal but
,
hey, I
'
m thinking it, dreaming it, fantasising
about
it...

“
Glen, do you want to go back? Do you want to go for a walk
?
I
'
m in a h
urry and you
'
re my
'
cute dog
'
excuse! So, c
ome on!
”
David
bends down and strokes
me on the head.

For a minute there, he almost persuaded me that he was nice. Well, ok
ay
, just stop pulling.
O
ff we go. He
'
s stopped pul
ling me. Cool. Voofing good. Ah,
smell that rush of flowers as we pad into the park. The green grass
of
my other
home
. How I love the smell of grass. Th
ere
'
s nothing quite like it. Eeek,
doo doo!
Just s
tepping around.
Sometimes I wish my sense of smell wasn
'
t so great.
I wonder if I
'
m the only dog in the world who doesn
'
t like the whiff of doo doo or it sticking
to
my paws.

So where are we going?
We
'
re heading towards the lake... nope, we
'
re turning and heading for the trees... heading for the pub.
Hope this means I
'
m not going to be tied up for ages. I wanna play
, be free, stretch my paws
.

Look! There she goes! My fantasy pooch – look
at those legs... woweeee mama! Looky those big
,
brown eyes. Ah, I die in those. And
that coat
–
t
he
glossiest, gold
en-est
coat in the world. Will she look? Will she? Come on, turn, turn.... just once...
just for a second...

“
Gle
n, come on
. If you sit here all
day, I
'
m going to be late. T
hen you
'
re just going straight home!
”
says
David, sternly.

Visions of biting.

Just one minute!
Ah, t
here she goes. She
doesn
'
t turn. She just breezes
through my life like the freshest thing you ever saw, her fur bristling in the breeze.
So long
!

Ok
ay,
sailor, off we go. I
'
m coming. No need to be rude or hasty. I
'
ve seen my baby
for the day. Now all
is fine in the world.
Voofing great!
Now let me see what the hurry is. Ah
,
there
'
s a girl there, waiting, sitting on one of the chairs.
I could have guessed – meeting
yet
another woman!
She
'
s drinking a yellow drink with one of those straws. Can
'
t
see the point of that myself
–
p
our
it into a bowl and just lap it up! Works for me! It
'
s much faster. I
'
ve seen
this girl
before, but not sure where.

“
Hi
,
Emma!
”
says
Tosser
.
“
Sorry I
'
m a bit late. I had to feed Glen and do some stuff for him.
”

For m
e? You
'
re kidding
,
mate. Don
'
t get me involved. I stare up at him. What a joke!

“
No worries,
”
smiles
this Emma. Damn, she bought
his lines
!
Sucker!
“
What a lovely dog!
”
Well, that
'
s nice. I like compliments. And she
'
s patting me.
Double
nice.

“
W
hat do you think?
”
asks
David.

“
He
'
s a nice dog.
Labrador
Retriever, y
ellow
.
Good teeth
.
Y
ou
said on the phone that
he
'
s a pure bred?
”

“
Yep,
I
'
ve
got the paperwork at home. Look at his glossy coat.
”

Emma looks and smiles.
“
He
'
s
a beaut
y.
”

I
'
m sort
of grin
ning
inside. I
'
m a beauty? You think so? Well, jeez, that
'
s great!
If only Miss Posh Lab would notice.
But I don
'
t like being called yellow – makes me sound cowardly. I prefer golden Labrador, thank you.

“
Do you
think he
'
s up to it?
”
she asks
.

“
I reckon so,
”
says
Dork
.
“
Look at him – he
'
s in the best of health.
”

Up
to
what?

“
He
'
s got a great coat, clear eyes, no dribbling, no runny nose, big paws. He
'
s going to have big puppies.
”

Big puppies?
Hang on...

“
So do you think
your mother will approve?
”
asks
David.

“
Well, if you can get the papers
,
I think so. He looks good to me. You must take him to the vet a lot for check-ups and take really good care of him because he
'
s in
super
shape.
”

Why thank you
,
ma
'
am, b
ut it i
s Ben who takes such good care of me. Though
,
to be honest
,
I wouldn
'
t mind going to the vet less
'
cos he
'
s always shoving this big, cold thermometer up my ...

“
That
'
s great!
”
grins
Asshole
.
“
I
'
ll s
ort them out as soon as I can. T
he
money we agreed, is that alright
?
”

V
oofing
hell! He
'
s sell
i
ng me?
To her
!
Shivers shoot up my spine. My ears and tail droop
. Whimpering
is
going to be the next
stage
.
Ben! Help! I
'
m thinking of running, but he
'
s wrapped my lead around his chair. If I run, am I strong enough to drag him and the chair?

“
Yes, I think so. But
mother pays a bonus
,
depending on the number of puppies and how healthy they are,
”
says
Emma, sipping her drink slowly.

“
Voof!
”
No way! Puppies? Puppies!
He
'
s
not selling me, but pimping me!

“
W
hen is a good day?
”

“
Sunday,
”
replies Emma.
“
Make sure he gets a lot of sleep because he
'
s going to need it!
”

David is laughing.
The
girl
looks at me and giggles
.

Why am I the only one not laughing? I
'
m going to be a doggy gigolo? Me? I can
'
t believe it! This is so undignified!
Don
'
t I get a choice?

“
Sunday
it is then!
”
David reaches out and touches
Emma
'
s
hand. It just gets worse.
“
H
ow about we meet up before then? You could show me where you live?
”

“
I
'
d li
ke that,
”
she says, shyly.

“
Voof.
”
I almost choke
. But maybe I could learn something from hi
s seductive techniques? David is definitely THE master. He
'
s the smoothest I
'
ve ever seen. Hang on!
I
'
m forgetting the real issue here. David just
sold my puppy-making services!
But with who
? Who is she and what does she look like? Is she nice?

By the time we get home, I
'
m coming a
round to the idea. Maybe it
'
s not so bad. I
can
a
lways refuse to perform. No
one
will
know about it.
But,
if I
do
it, it
'
s so
un
fair that David
will
be paid and not me. Maybe he
'
d just chuck me a biscuit if I
'
m doggy lucky.
What am I thinking? Miss Posh Lab is the only one for me. Bad dog!

What would Ben say
if he knew
? I think Ben would kill him.
Maybe that
'
s
why David
has been sneaking around
his room – trying to find my dog papers. Maybe I have really great parents. Wonder if they are famous? I hope they didn
'
t meet in the same way
, with my papa being pimped
. I hope they at least knew each other.
Maybe they were a family?
Ben bought me when I was only
eight
weeks old, so I can
'
t remember. I wish I could ask him. Damn this language barrier. Maybe I could learn to read? No,
that
'
s just plain crazy. Yeah B
rains, learn to read, learn to
use the phone to call home. Which reminds me, I hope Ben
'
s got my dinner ready
'
cos
I
'
m starving.