500 Days (60 page)

“
Yeah, I just think I’m
nervous about tomorrow’s test.” Declan knew I was lying, but didn’t
push the issue. Instead she finished her coffee and paid the check.
I risked a peek on the way out and instantly regretted it. He
spotted me, giving me another slight smile. I chastised myself and
stormed out of the diner.

I spent all night tossing and turning. I
couldn’t stop thinking about Casper. His image was implanted in my
brain and I cursed him for coming into my life. For pretending he
could be someone different than who he was. It was better this way,
I told myself. I knew it. I just wished my heart would catch up to
my head.

I arrived at class a few minutes early. I
took out my implements and prepared myself for the test. I dug
through the bottom of my bag in search of a pencil but all I
managed to find was the bottom of the bag. How could I not have any
pencils? I had a whole pack yesterday. Jaxson, I grunted.
“Shit.”

He stopped by yesterday to get some peace
and quiet to study. Apparently Jasper had some friends over and
they were being too loud. Jaxson asked if I had any extra pencils
and I told him they were in my bag. I should have known he would
take the whole thing. I was just about to take out my phone and
bitch at him when I remembered, oh yeah, I never got a new one. I
knew I would have to replace it eventually so I put it on my list
of things to do today.

I looked around the room for someone who
could offer me an extra when one appeared over my shoulder. I
flinched when his hand brushed my skin. “Sorry,” he said. “I just
had a feeling you would need this.”

“
Thanks,” I said, facing
the front.

“
Alex?” I closed my eyes
and took a breath. Now was not the time. I couldn’t deal with this
right now. “I just wanted to let you know I won’t bother you
anymore.” I glanced over my shoulder. “So you don’t have to worry
about trying to avoid me. There’s no reason this has to be like
this. We were friends once before. I’m sure over time we could be
again.”

“
Yeah, ‘cause that worked
out so well last time.”

I saw the slightest twitch of his lips. He
leaned in a little closer. “When you’re ready, let me know, but
it’s up to you. And if you decide you don’t want to be friends then
I’m okay with that too.”

I narrowed my eyes slightly. I didn’t quite
buy this act. Something wasn’t adding up and I wondered what his
real motives were. “What do you get out of this? This just seems
like another one of your games.”

“
It’s not,” he said
sincerely. “I lose either way Alex. I just want you to be happy,
that’s all.”

I turned back around not able to face him
anymore. The professor arrived and distributed the test. My head
was all a jumbled mess from what Casper had said. He wanted to be
friends. Was that even possible? He said he lost either way. And
what did that mean? I growled in frustration. I was going to fail
if I couldn’t concentrate. I closed my eyes and counted to ten,
refocusing my attention on the papers in front of me.

I got halfway through the test when I
started to get a cramp in my side. I clutched my stomach. Something
felt off. I ignored it and continued writing. The pain in my
stomach started to grow, becoming almost unbearable. I wrapped my
arm around my belly. The pain rolled in my stomach like waves. I
only felt this way a few times before. Panic surged through me. I
let out a small gasp, gripping my side. Casper jumped the seat and
landed in front of me. “Alex, are you okay?”

A stabbing pain shot through my entire body.
I let out a cry catching the attention of the professor and the
rest of my classmates. “Alex, what’s wrong?” Casper asked as the
professor walked over.

“
Miss Radcliff, is
everything okay?”

I shook my head. “No, I don’t…Jaxson.
Something’s wrong.”

“
Jaxson?” Casper asked,
confused.

“
Would you like me to call
someone?” the professor asked. I shook my head and grabbed my
stuff, running out of the classroom. Casper chased after
me.

“
Alex, what’s going
on?”

“
I don’t know, but
something is wrong. I can feel it.”

“
What do you mean?” he
looked at me like I was nuts.

“
I always know when
something is wrong with Jaxson. When he’s hurt or in pain.” When he
raised a brow all I said was, “It’s a twin thing.” He just nodded
and followed me outside. I was about to ask Casper for his phone to
call Jaxson when I spotted a familiar figure across the quad.
“Jaxson!” I yelled, taking off in a mad dash to get to
him.

He met me halfway. “What is it? What’s
wrong?”

“
I don’t know. I have no
idea. Jasper called me and told me to meet him out here. I wanted
to call you but couldn’t.”

“
I know. I’m sorry. I’m
getting a new phone today.” Jaxson nodded at Casper and then looked
back at me. “Jaxson, I feel it. Something’s not right. At first I
thought something was wrong with you, but then…” I trailed off,
thinking the worst.

“
I know. I feel it too,”
he said, wrapping an arm around me to steady me. Not two minutes
later I heard the rumble of Jasper’s truck. None of us moved as we
watched Jasper climb out of the truck. It was like watching a scene
in slow motion as he approached us. I froze. As Jasper got closer I
could feel everything in me start to break down. My whole body was
losing a fight to keep myself standing. I gripped Jaxson tighter
and when I looked up to the approaching Jasper I could see that he
was crying.

“
No,” I shook my head.
“No.” I pulled away from Jaxson.

“
Alex?” He looked at me, a
strange look plagued his face. “Alex?” He turned his attention to
Jasper who was now in front of us. “Jasper, what’s going
on?”

Jasper looked at me and I knew the next word
out of his mouth would destroy my whole world. “Jack,” he
swallowed.

“
No,” I shook my head. My
whole body started shaking uncontrollably.

“
What?” Jaxson asked,
tears already streaming down his face.

“
Jack’s,” Jasper
whispered, unable to get the words out. He broke down, crying
hysterically.

“
No, no, no.” I pounded
Jasper’s chest, letting out a cry and before I knew it my knees
buckled before me and I was on the ground. My face buried in my
hands. I felt sick to my stomach. Jaxson collapsed next to me,
squeezing me so tight I thought I would suffocate. My entire world
just came to a crashing halt. Everything around ceased to exit.
There was nothing but my tears and pain. I dreaded this every day
since Jack told us he joined the marines. And now my worst
nightmare had come true. I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t know how to
function. I just cried and cried while my brothers cradled me on
the grass. The aching loss was like nothing I had ever felt. The
next few hours were a blur. I heard mumbles and screams, but I
didn’t know if they were mine or someone else’s. I was barely
coherent when Declan came rushing out of the building and fell down
to the ground next to us.

“
Is it true?” she asked,
Jasper. He nodded
his head yes and then
Declan was crying with us on the grass. I remember being carried to
the car and inside Jasper’s house. I even remember being tucked
inside the covers on the spare bed in the guest room. I barely
flinched when Jacob punched the wall after Jasper relayed the news
to him. I was numb to my surroundings and everything around me. I
heard voices echoing in the distant but I was barely able to
decipher anything anyone was saying. I knew Declan had checked on
me several times, asking me if I was hungry, thirsty, and what not.
I overheard Jasper tell Jaxson it was an IED. He never had a
chance.

I closed my eyes tight, whispering his name
over and over. “Jack.”

“
Alex?” I heard a familiar
voice, gentle, calming. “Alex.” A soft hand landed on my shoulder.
I opened my eyes and looked at the beautiful storm of colors
brewing before me.

“
Casper, what are you
doing here?”

He pulled back slightly. He looked almost
afraid to touch me as if I was a wild animal about to attack.
“Jasper asked me to stay, but if you want. I’ll go.” He stood up to
leave.

I sat up quickly, flinging an arm out to
stop him. “No, don’t go,” I said a little too desperate. He
hesitated until the tears started spilling down my face again. “I
don’t want to be alone right now. Please, stay.” He nodded as I
moved back and made room for him. The instant his arms wrapped
around my frail body I began to cry. Tears soaked my pillow and
shirt. Casper turned me to face him, holding me close to his chest
as he gently caressed my hair. No words were exchanged, but there
didn’t need to be. There was nothing that could be said, nothing
that could have changed the outcome of this morning. Casper let me
cry in his arms all night until I fell asleep. Even when I woke up
screaming, he was there to comfort me and calm me down.

In the morning I felt like a zombie, walking
around the house like a slightly deflated balloon. I walked out
into the living room, past Jaxson and Declan on the couch, past
Jasper who was on the phone in the kitchen. I walked right up to
the wall of pictures. Everywhere I looked there he was. Pictures of
him in Iraq, in his uniform, and Jacob’s graduation. Pictures of us
growing up, family dinners, and one with our dad. All of us
together as a family. I felt a burning in the pit of my stomach. I
stared at the picture of our dad until the burning grew out of
control. I screamed. Tearing every single picture off the wall and
breaking the glass on anything I could find. I shattered anything I
could get my hands on.

Tattoo covered arms gripped my waist,
pulling me back. “Alex,” Jasper said, trying to calm me. I thrashed
and screamed, trying to get out of his hold. “Alex, stop.”

I fought him. I wanted to lash out. I wanted
to hit something, break something, anything. Jaxson tried helping
Jasper calm me but I wouldn’t listen. My screams woke Casper. He
rushed down the hall to see what was happening. “Let her go,” he
said calmly.

“
Not until she calms
down,” Jasper said while dodging my fist.

“
She’s not going to calm
down if you keep holding her down like that.” I knew Jasper didn’t
know how to handle me and trusted that Casper did. I felt his grip
loosen. I broke free and turned on him, needing an outlet. I
pounded and flailed my fists onto Jasper’s chest. He just stood
there like a statue, taking the beating.

“
It’s not fair. It
shouldn’t be him. He was supposed to protect us,” I cried, slowing
my swinging arms, losing the fight I had left in me. Jasper grabbed
my wrists to steady me. He fell to the floor with me and let me cry
in his arms. He cried along with me.

After my outburst, Casper took me into the
bathroom to clean up the cuts on my arms and legs from the broken
glass. I allowed him to do so without a word. We barely spoke to
each other since the news broke about Jack, but then I barely spoke
to anyone. I was starting to wonder if my voice even worked
anymore. I watched as Casper attentively dressed my wounds. He was
gentle to the point where I think he thought I’d freak if I
suddenly remembered who it was who was touching me. “Have you eaten
anything today?”

“
I’m not
hungry.”

“
Alex,” he frowned. “You
need to eat something.”

“
Don’t,” I warned, feeling
the rush of pain start to boil in my chest. I closed my eyes and
took a breath.

I could feel him sigh. “Why don’t we get you
back to bed?” I let him guide me back to the bedroom. Once safely
tucked away, he ducked out of the room, leaving me to the mental
torture I’d been subjecting myself to. Sometime in the middle of
the night I felt a dip in the bed and then strong arms wrap around
me. I tucked my arms around his and relaxed into his body.

I woke up alone, to the smell of breakfast
food wafting through the door. I carried my aching body out to the
kitchen where I found everyone sitting around the table. “Hey,”
Jaxson said. “Casper made us all breakfast. Why don’t you sit down
and eat?” I nodded. It was more a robotic action. Casper pulled out
a chair for me as he set a big pile of eggs on the table.

“
Thank you,” I whispered.
He gave me a small smile as he returned to the stove to finish up.
I poured myself a glass of orange juice and sipped it slowly,
afraid of how my stomach would react. We all sat quietly; eating
the breakfast Casper had so kindly made for everyone. When I was
done, I sat on the couch, and stared blankly at the TV. “Where’s
Declan?” I asked.

Casper sat down next to me. “She went home
to clean up. She said she’d be back a little later.” I nodded. “I
called all your professors and got you an extension on your finals.
I also swung by your place to check on Lucky.” I had forgotten
about him in all the mess. “He’s fine,” he assured me.

“
I think I should go home
and shower. Get some clean clothes.”

Casper agreed and drove me to my place. I
told him he didn’t have to stay but he insisted. I didn’t argue. I
didn’t have the strength to. I spent a long time in the shower,
trying to wash away all my grief, but the water burned my cuts,
causing a painful reminder of everything I had lost. I cried. I
cried until the water turned cold. Shivering, I stepped out of the
shower, and wiped away the fog on the mirror. I looked like death.
Dark circles engrossed my puffy eyes. My skin was blotchy and pale
and I looked like I hadn’t slept in days, which wasn’t far from the
truth. I struggled to brush my teeth, trying not to lose it
again.