500 Days (68 page)

“
It wasn’t really
shopping. We were just getting stuff for Jasper tonight. You sure
you want to go? ‘Cause if you want to stay here and just hang out
I’m cool with that.” I secretly crossed my fingers hoping she would
pick the latter.

“
No honey, a party sounds
like a great idea. A good way for me to get back in the swing of
things. Besides, I would never keep you from your friends to
entertain me.”

Declan laughed and I scowled at her.
“Please, it’s Alex who wants to stay in. She’s the one who’s being
a party pooper.”

“
Alexis, are you not
feeling well?” She felt my forehead with the back of her
hand.

“
I’m fine. Declan’s just
being an ass. I’m going to go lay down for a bit.” I crawled into
bed pulling the covers up over my head. I felt the bed
sink.

“
Alexis?” My mom tugged
lightly on the covers, revealing my face. “Does this have anything
to do with that boy?”

“
No mom, I’m
fine.”

“
I may have been gone for
a while, but I still know when something’s not right or when my
daughter is upset. You can’t fool me. You have the same tells you
did when you were eight.” Afraid my voice would betray me, I kept
my lips sealed shut. “Alexis, I know things right now may seem
upside down. Nothing is how it should be. Jack,” she took a breath.
“Jack should be here instead of me, but someone up there thought it
was better this way.” She brushed the hair out of my eyes.
“Overtime, it does get easier, but it’s better when you have
someone there with you to help you heal. You don’t have to do this
alone.”

“
I know,” I
whispered.

“
Think of it this way,
tonight is the night where everyone gets to start over, start
fresh. It’s a new year with new beginnings.” She leaned down and
kissed my temple. “Just think about it, okay?” I
nodded
;
afraid I
wouldn’t be able to hold my tears in if I opened my mouth. She
closed the door behind her and I buried my head in the pillow and
let the tears fall, soaking the soft fabric beneath me. I’d never
cried so much over a guy. I think I cried more for Casper than I
did Jack.

I had a hard time falling asleep. When I
eventually did, I dreamed about Jack, making my chest feel like it
was being crushed under a ton of bricks. At one point I sat up
gasping. I’d dreamed of Jack in Iraq, goofing around with his
buddies, and then the next second he was gone, pieces scattered
everywhere. I reached under the pillow clutching the cold metal.
They were still there. Jack’s dog tags. The boys didn’t know I had
them. I gripped them tight, feeling them cut deep into my skin. I
cried again, but this time for Jack, for the pain and anger I felt
for him. For the way he died. For the nightmare I just experienced.
So much pain crashing down on me like a tidal wave. I cried so hard
I cried myself back to sleep. This time when I dreamt of Jack, it
was of a memory. A memory of the fourth of July when Jacob was only
thirteen.

Jack let him light the fireworks. I told
Jack if he loses a thumb he will be the one to teach him how to
cope without one. He assured me he would be fine. A few close
calls, but that’s because Jasper was being an ass and not warning
Jacob to stand back. I always remembered that night vividly. It was
probably one of the best times I spent with my brothers. Jack was
so happy then. I just stared, grinning lazily. Jack threw an arm
over me. “The letter Alex.” My head whipped around to stare into
his deep green eyes, just like mine.

“
What?”

“
Open the letter, Alex.” I
could see the fireworks reflected in his bright, big eyes; spirals,
swirls, and all different colors flashing. I was hypnotized. “The
letter,” he whispered, his voice carried off in the wind. I woke up
with a jolt. I was still tightly clinging to his tags. The chain
swung back and forth as I tried to catch my breath. My eyes shifted
to the drawer where Jack’s letter was. The drawer was open. What.
The. Fuck? I got up to investigate. Jack’s letter was still sitting
safely inside with Casper’s letter underneath.

“
What the hell?” Did I
sleep walk? Was someone going through my drawers? I was about to
close the drawer when I heard Jack’s voice whisper my name. I
closed my eyes, gripping on to the chair to keep myself from
falling. When I regained my balance, I opened my eyes and stared at
the white envelope. Finding my strength, I pulled the letter out
and opened it up. Inside was a DVD with a small folded piece of
paper. I read the paper first.

Alexis,

There’s no easy way to do
this, but if you’re holding this letter that means I’m
gone.

I reached out for anything that would steady
my shaking legs.

I knew this day would come
eventually. Sometimes it’s the price you pay for this job. I don’t
regret one thing about it though. Inside is a DVD. I made these
after Jacob’s graduation. I didn’t want my last thoughts to you to
be on paper. So I made a video with everything I want to tell
you.

I pulled the DVD out of
the envelope. My hands shook all the way to the DVD player. Before
I pressed play, I walked back over to my bed and sat down, just in
case I passed out. It took me a moment before I started
it. Then I reminded myself I made it this far. I
pressed play on the remote and the second Jack’s face flashed onto
the screen I felt my walls crashing down and a new wave of tears
poured from my eyes.

“
Alex,” he smiled, warming
my heart. “They’re so many things I want to tell you, I’m just not
sure how to put all these thoughts into words.” He was leaning on
his knees, his hands clasped together. “You’re special Alex, don’t
ever let anyone tell you different. I know that sounds lame. It
almost sounds like I’m calling you retarded or something. Sorry,
scratch that.”

I laughed.

“
I guess what I’m trying
to say is don’t let anyone give you any shit, especially Jasper. I
know you two buttheads the most, but he really does care about you.
Jasper had to grow up just as fast as I did. He just didn’t know
how to handle it all. Give him a chance and you’ll see his
intentions are good. He just wants to protect you, even though his
methods aren’t exactly practical. But don’t worry, I’ll talk to
him. I think the hardest part about it is us admitting how much we
need you. And we do Alex. You have no idea how important you are to
this family. Without you, I don’t think any of us knuckle heads
would have survived this long. You kept us grounded. You reminded
us that we were a family, no matter how little.”

He stopped to rub his thumb and forefinger
over his eyes. I think he might have been crying but quickly tried
to hide it. “Oh Jack, always the strong one,” I whispered.

“
There are some other
things I need to tell you.” His voice got thick and I was a little
scared wondering what it was he had to tell me. “I’m glad it was
you who came back in that night. No one else would have been able
to handle it as well as you did. I’m also glad by some dumb luck I
decided to swing by the house. If I didn’t…I might not have anyone
to make these videos for.”

I always wondered why he did come back.

“
My reasons for coming
back, well, that I will never tell you,” he blushed. “But that’s
not important. I want you to know I don’t regret what happened. I
begged mom to let me take the blame, but she refused. Please don’t
be mad at her for her decision. She did what she thought was right.
I joined the marines because I thought it was the right thing to
do. I thought it would help me atone for my sins. I thought I had
to prove something. Alex, you have to know that everything I did
was for you and our brothers, but please don’t blame yourself.
It’s. Not. Your. Fault,” he said, emphasizing each word.

“
I’ll admit, at one time I
was angry. I was angry for having to give up so much to take care
of everyone, but I need you to know, that not for one second would
I have given any of that up. I would not change one single thing. I
don’t take any moment I spent with you guys for granted. I need you
to know that. I need to know that this was all worth it.” He ran a
hand over his cropped hair. “Alex, I want you to live your life
everyday as if it was your last. Don’t spend your days letting it
pass you by. And don’t be afraid to love someone back. I made that
mistake once and probably let one of best things to come into my
life slip through my fingers. You and I are a lot alike in that
way. We’re too scared to let anyone in. Afraid if we open our
hearts we’ll be exposing ourselves to a greater danger.” He rested
his elbows back on his knees and looked straight into the camera as
if he was staring straight at me.

“
Alex, don’t be an idiot
like me. If you find someone who loves you, truly loves you, then
let them in. Don’t close yourself off. You might not remember, but
mom and dad, they loved each other. They were happy. Not the best
example, but it’s what I have to offer. I need you to promise me
something. I need you to promise me that when you find the right
person, you’ll let them in. Take down your walls and let them love
you the way you are meant to be loved. And don’t take anything for
granted. Life is too short.”

He sighed and this time when he shed a tear,
he didn’t bother to wipe them away or try to hide them. “I love you
Alexis and every day you make me proud of the person you’re
becoming. I know you can take care of yourself and I know for a
fact you will most likely out live all of us,” he laughed. I even
let out a small chuckle. “Keep an eye on everyone, but don’t
smother them. They need to learn on their own too.”

He sat up taller. “Well, I think that’s it.”
He reached out to turn the camera off.

I jumped up yelling, “No!” I wasn’t ready to
say goodbye. I wasn’t ready for it to end.

“
Oh, one last thing. Be
brave Alex, always be brave.” He kissed his hand and pressed it to
the screen. “I love you. And remember, I will always be with you.”
Then the screen went blank.

“
No, no.” I touched the
screen. I needed more time. That wasn’t enough. I needed more. I
fell to my knees and broke down crying, again.

Declan was the one who found me curled up
into a ball on the floor. “Alex, what are you doing on the floor?”
she laughed. Her smile faded when she saw my face. “Oh my god what
happened?”

I moved myself into a sitting position. I
didn’t want to talk about it. I knew if I did I would start crying
again. I cried so much these past few weeks that my eyes hurt.
Instead, I did what I did best and pretended like everything was
perfectly fine. I put on a brave face as Declan helped me up.
“Nothing,” I said, taking a shaky breath.

“
Alex, you can’t fool
me.”

“
I have to get ready for
Jasper’s party.”

Declan chased after me. “Alex, stop. Alex,
please.”

“
Just leave it alone,
Declan.” I closed the bathroom door in her face and got in the
shower. When I was done, Declan was in my room waiting for me.
“What are you doing?” I followed her to the TV.

“
I didn’t watch it, I
promise. As soon as I realized what it was, I stopped
it.”

I stomped over to my closet looking for
something to wear. “I’m glad you finally did though.” I paused with
my hand on the door. “I know this is more than just about Jack.” I
gripped the door tight, fighting the urge to start an argument.
“I’ll support whatever decision you make, but just hear this. I’ve
known Casper for a long time and I’ve never known him to love
anyone the way he loves you. He spent time with his father who he
hates just so he could give you your mom back. And he did all that
for you. Not as a ploy to get you back, but because he wanted to
see you happy. He wanted to give you something he thought you
needed. Casper’s not the bad guy here. Just remember that.”

She left after that, leaving me to the
swirling thoughts inside my head that were making me dizzy. I
stumbled back a little. I could feel the bile rising in my throat,
threatening to break its way free from the roiling wave in my
stomach. Fighting the urge, I took a big step forward. I just
wasn’t ready yet. I needed more time. There was just too much going
on at once and I didn’t want to make any rash decisions that would
lead to disaster. I went with the new red sweater dress I bought.
It was cut low in the front and hugged my curves just right. I
paired it with a black belt and new stiletto boots I bought. I went
a little heavier than normal on the eyeliner, but kept my shadow
light. I left my hair down in loose curls and twirled from left to
right making sure everything was perfect. My plan was to get drunk
enough that I didn’t care anymore. Or just drunk enough to take
someone home.

I grabbed my keys and took off. My mom was
already there to help set everything up and Declan said she would
be by later with Colton. I was on my own.

As soon as I arrived I headed straight for
the keg and the Jell-O shots. “You okay?” Jaxson asked, eyeing
me.

“
I’m fucking fine, god, I
wish everyone would stop asking me that.”

“
I’m not just anyone Alex.
I’m your brother, your twin. So don’t feed me that bullshit of
being fine.”

“
What the hell do you want
from me?”

He stepped closer, getting in my face. “For
you to be honest with yourself.”

“
Alex, hey, you’re looking
good,” Trey, one of Jasper’s co-workers said.