500 Days (67 page)

“
Good luck, I don’t think
they have anything like that here,” I mumbled, annoyed.

“
After the last hissy fit
you threw, Jasper made sure we were always stocked.”

“
Oh,” I said giggling. My
mom pulled back to look at me. “PMS,” I shrugged. She laughed and
tugged us both into the kitchen.

We spent all night talking and catching our
mom up on all things ‘us’. I told her I would take her shopping
tomorrow to get her what she needed and I wouldn’t take no for an
answer. Jasper wanted to show her the shop and Jaxson wanted to
show her the new mustang he was working on while Jacob just wanted
to be near her. She promised she would do it all after we all had a
good night’s rest. We shared Jack’s room and for the first time in
a long time I slept through the night.

I woke to the delicious aroma of bacon
cooking. My nose pulled me out of bed and into the kitchen where my
mom was making breakfast. “Mom, what are you doing?”

“
It’s been a while, but I
think I can handle cooking some breakfast for my kids,” she smiled
brightly over her shoulder.

“
You want some
help?”

“
That would be lovely.” I
didn’t even know where to start. It was like she robbed an IHOP.
There was batter everywhere, toast, eggs, and everything else in
between. I stuck with the easiest thing I knew how to make – eggs.
By the time we were done the table was filled with every breakfast
food you could think of. The boys helped themselves, digging in and
creating more of a mess.

I slapped their hands away. “Ladies first,”
I growled.

“
Sorry mom,” Jasper said
through a mouthful of pancake. I grabbed a plate to help myself
when Jasper took it from me. “What are you doing? Ladies first,
that means mom, Jacob, and Jaxson. You go last,” he smirked. I
threw a piece of toast at him while Jacob and Jaxson threw
bacon.

“
That’s enough,” mom
scolded. “Jasper, really,” she put her hands on her hips and he
lowered his head mumbling a pathetic apology. When she wasn’t
looking I flipped him off. He opened his mouth to yell when mom
whipped her head up to glare at him. I bit my tongue to keep from
laughing.

After breakfast, we left the boys to clean
up while I took mom to my place to get her some clothes that fit
better and so she could wash up. I let her shower first while I
went through my mail. I found a letter addressed to me with no
return address. I was almost afraid to open it. There was a slight
thumping in my chest as I turned the envelope over to open it. I
pulled the letter out and was thankful I was standing next to the
bed. I sunk like a log the moment my eyes recognized the
handwriting.

Alexis,

I’m sorry. I don’t know
what else to say. I never loved someone as much as I love you. I
love you Alex. I know I’m not good enough for you, that I don’t
deserve you, but if you give me the chance I will prove to you
every day just how much I love you. All I ever wanted was to show
you how much you mean to me. The things you do to me just when
you’re around. I never felt true pain until the day I lost you. It
hurts to breathe. It hurts just at the thought of someone else
touching your skin, kissing those lips. If you’ll let me, I’ll be
the man you want me to be. I know you love me too or at least at
one time you did. I’m taking a little trip and I want you to join
me. If you say no, then I understand and I promise I will leave you
alone. But if you still love me, meet me at our spot. The place we
first met a year ago on New Year’s Eve. I will be waiting. If you
don’t show, then I guess this is my goodbye, but I hope that’s not
the case. It’s completely up to you, whatever you decide, I will do
my best to honor your decision.

Love always,

Casper

I stared blankly at the letter. He thought
he wasn’t good enough for me, when all this time I thought I wasn’t
good enough for him. I still thought I wasn’t. He needed someone
who loved him with their whole heart. Mine was too broken and
currently unable to be pieced back together. “Honey, are you okay?”
my mom asked, startling me.

I jumped up from the bed and turned away
from her, hoping she hadn’t seen the few tears I’d shed. I quickly
wiped away the wetness on my cheeks and walked over to my desk to
throw Casper’s letter inside the drawer. I stopped when I spotted
Jack’s letter, still unopened. “What’s that?”

“
Nothing,” I said,
throwing the letter inside the drawer and slamming it shut. “I’m
going to get in the shower.” I grabbed my things and walked past
her quickly. I turned the water on and stepped inside the shower
washing away the tears that were now streaming down my face. I was
angry, upset, and hurt. Everything inside me felt like it was
collapsing in on itself. How dare he do this to me! How dare he
make me feel! I don’t want to feel. I want to be numb. Everything
was better when I felt nothing. When I closed myself off and kept
myself from getting hurt. That was until I met Casper. I knew the
moment I met him he was going to change something inside of me. I
knew he was the one who was going to break me.

“
Alexis?” I barely heard
her over the sound of the rushing water and my sobbing. She pulled
the curtain back to find me curled up in a ball on the floor of the
tub. Turning off the water, she reached behind her to grab a towel
and wrapped it around me. “Alexis, honey, come here.” She coaxed me
out of the tub and into my bedroom where I rested my head in her
lap while she stroked my hair as I cried.

When I was finally able to pull myself
together I sat up. “You want to talk about it?” she asked. I shook
my head no. “We don’t have to go shopping today. If you just want
to stay in that’s perfectly fine with me.”

“
No, no. You need
stuff.”

“
Alexis, you are more
important than anything I need. It can wait.”

“
I’m fine, really.
Besides, I have a gift card to the shoe store that’s burning a hole
in my pocket,” I said, forcing a smile. She didn’t argue with me.
Instead she left so I could get dressed.

I went a little crazy at the mall. I spent
my entire gift card and then some. I offered to buy my mom’s things
but she told me she had plenty of money and to save mine. I think I
bought more than she did. We had lunch and after dropping all of
our things off at my place, I took her to Jasper’s shop. He paraded
her around like she was royalty, introducing her to everyone and
anyone who came into the shop.

The week flew by and before I knew it, it
was New Year’s Eve. I hadn’t made any plans. Jasper was having
people over and with everything going on I didn’t even think about
Casper’s letter until today. I was so busy spending all my time
with my mom and getting her settled in, that I forced myself to
focus on what was important. Jasper, as promised, had given me a
tattoo in honor of Jack. I had gotten a small heart on the outside
of my wrist with the letter J in the middle. My brothers had the
same thing done, but each with a different letter so when we put
our hands together it spelled Jack. My mom was so touched by our
love for our brother she decided to get a tattoo as well. But not
just for Jack, for all of us. She had Jasper put it on her hip.
Five hearts in a circle, each the color of our birthstone.

I held her hand the entire time. “I don’t
understand how you kids can keep getting this done,” she said,
squeezing her eyes shut tight.

“
You get used to it,” I
laughed.

“
This is not something I
want to get used to. This will be my one and only.” I patted her
hand as Jasper finished cleaning her up. She kissed his cheek
telling him it was perfect and how proud she was of him.

I was sitting on the sofa waiting for Declan
to get back with the list of things Jasper wanted us to pick up for
tonight. My mom was sound asleep in my bed. She’s been doing that a
lot lately, sleeping. I couldn’t imagine what it was like sharing a
cell with someone for all those years. I probably wouldn’t have
slept much either.

Not wanting to wake her, I left her a note
and slipped it under the door when Declan text me. We got my mom a
cellphone, but she was having a hard time figuring out how to use
it. Complaining about why we just didn’t have a regular phone. I
explained to her hardly anyone had landline phones anymore and she
would get used to it.

I slid into the car, warming my hands on the
heater vents. The temperature had dropped considerably and I was
freezing, even in my wool coat, scarf, gloves, and hat. I hated
winter and always dreamed of moving somewhere warm. “How’s your mom
doing?” Declan asked as she threw the car in reverse.

“
She’s coping,” I
shrugged. I rolled down the window and pulled a cigarette from my
purse.

“
What the hell are you
doing?” Declan snapped, trying to tear it out of my
mouth.

“
This is how I’m coping,
okay?” I glared, slapping her hand away.

“
You can cope outside of
my car. You are not smoking that thing in here.”

“
Colton smokes,” I
protested.

“
Yes, but not in my car,”
she growled. “And what would Jack say?”

“
Jack’s dead,” I
snapped.

“
I know, I’m sorry. I’m
just worried about you, Alex. You haven’t been yourself since,
well, you’re just…It’s like you’re not there.”

“
Did Jaxson put you up to
this?”

“
No, but he did say
something.” I rolled my eyes. “Look, Jax didn’t have to tell me. I
can see it myself. We’re just worried about you, that’s
all.”

“
You wouldn’t have to
worry so much if you would let me smoke a damn cigarette in your
car,” I growled.

“
Okay, sheesh. PMS-ing
much?”

I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to start
an argument with Declan. She wasn’t the problem. I was. I couldn’t
think straight. Casper’s letter was on my mind all day. Ever since
reading it, it was like I pressed auto play on my life. I was doing
everything I was supposed to, but I wasn’t really there. I tried my
hardest to not let it get to me, but it hit me harder than I
thought. I wasn’t prepared for what was in that letter and I still
didn’t know what I wanted to do. Declan was talking to me, but I
barely heard what she was saying.

She handed me another bottle of liquor to
put in the cart. When I didn’t look at her she asked, “Does this
sour mood have anything to do with Casper?”

“
No, why would it?” Total
lie.

“
I know about the letter,
Alex.”

“
Did you go through my
things?” I asked, shocked. Declan was the last person I would think
to snoop through my personal stuff. We always respected each
other’s private space.

“
No, of course not,” she
said offended. “I know about the letter because Casper asked me to
give it to you. I was hesitant at first but you surprised me one
day and I quickly stashed it in with the mail hoping I could
intercept it later before you saw it, but I was too
late.”

“
Yeah, thanks for that,” I
said, narrowing my eyes at her.

“
I take it you read it?” I
nodded, not wanting to go into too much detail. “And?”

“
Not now, Declan,” I said,
walking over to the next aisle to grab what we needed.

When we went to check out, you would think
we were hosting a rager at some club. “Why does Jasper need all
this liquor?” Declan asked, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the
looks we were getting.

I shrugged. “Who knows? I learned to stop
asking questions.”

“
If you’re worried about
Casper showing up, don’t. Colton told me he left earlier today and
won’t be back for a while.”

“
I know,” I
sighed.

“
You know?”

Not seeing a way around it, I confessed
everything to Declan. “He wants me to meet him tonight.” She looked
at me confused. “He wants me to meet him at the place we first met
on New Year’s Eve. He said if I don’t, then he’ll leave me alone
for good.”

Her eyes widened slightly with excitement.
“What are you going to do?” I knew she was hoping I would say
yes.

“
Declan, I just don’t
know. I need more time. I just can’t handle all this right now.” I
paid the cashier, squashing anymore talk of Casper.

We dropped all the supplies off at the boys’
place and then we headed home. Declan stopped me before I got out
of the car. “I know you may think you’re not ready, but you’re
wrong, Alex. I know you love Casper. I can see it every time you
look at him. If for a second I thought he wasn’t good enough for
you, I never would have pushed you two together. All I’m asking is,
think about it, please. Don’t just write this off because you’re
scared of getting hurt. Let it go, Alex. Whatever it is that’s
keeping you from expressing how you really feel, let it go.”

I opened my mouth to reply but no words came
out. I had nothing to say because deep down, part of me knew Declan
was right.

My mom was awake by the time we returned and
sitting on the couch trying to figure out her cellphone. Her brow
was scrunched in frustration. I giggled a little making her head
shoot up. She tossed the phone on the table, having enough. “You
should ask Jacob to help you with that. Gadgets are his thing. He
taught me things on my phone that I had no idea it could do.”

“
I’ll ask him later. So
how was the shopping?” she asked, getting up and dusting off the
new slacks she bought.