62 Days

By Jessie M.

©2013 Jessie M.

This book is sold subject to conditions that it can not by way of trade be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the author’s prior consent, in any form or cover, other than which it is published.

This novel is a work of fiction.  The names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Only a person who truly loves you can feel your silent pain. 

And will hold your hand until you become strong again.

A sudden flash of lightning lights up the room with a cool blue white light. I wait for the thunder roll and there it is… a long low rumble in the distance. The rain is sheeting down noisily outside. A sudden lashing of wind driven water splatters against my bedroom window. What an awful evening. I really don’t want to go out tonight at all.

Actually, it has nothing to do with the weather. I don’t want to go out again period. I want to stay right here and feel miserably comfortable lying on my bed every evening, until the grim reaper makes his way into my bedroom and claims me forever. I roll myself onto my side and look at the time on the bedside clock. It’s getting late – 7pm. I really need to tell Suze I’m not going to go, I can’t put it off any longer. I pick up my phone and shoot her a quick text.

“F
eel ill sorry.”

Within seconds a reply appears.

“F
ucking get ready or I will come and do it myself.”

I send her another more graphic one.

“R
eally ill – Puking up as I text.”

“D
on’t care. Bring a bowl. You’re coming out.”

Suze has obviously had enough of my excuses. I’ve run of original ones as well. I suppose I could make myself go out. It wouldn’t hurt to go for a drink and a dance would it? I might even smile once or twice.

I force myself off the soft, comfortable sanctuary of my bed and make my way into the bathroom. I undress and turn on the shower, holding my hand under the water until it is warm enough and then I step inside. As I stand in the shower cubicle I think how badly it needs a clean and that I couldn’t be arsed to do it. Couldn’t be bothered to do much of anything since he left. 62 days ago. I pick up the floral scented shower gel and add a generous portion to a big pink bath lily lathering up a mountain of bubbling foam. I squeeze it all over my body and then proceed to shampoo my hair in a frothy, foamy trance.

62 days of hell. I really have no idea how I’ve managed to get this far AB, my term for ‘after bastard’. One thing’s for sure, I’m out of love forever. I couldn’t bear to go through all this hurt and pain ever again.

Five minutes later I am sitting at the dressing table in my bathrobe drying and straightening my hair with my mind meandering back to him again. It always wandered back to him. I used to enjoy going out so much. It had all come to a grinding halt when I met Jon. Of course that happens a lot with couples when they get involved, I know that. They stop seeing their friends so much and go through that intense ‘only us’ time. But I’d never left it. For two years it really was only us, more or less. And Suze, on the rare occasion when I could pluck up the courage to defy Jon and go out with her. Jon hated Suze and everything she was and the feeling was mutual. I’d have to suffer his moods for days after I’d seen her. My stomach squeezed unpleasantly at the memory of Jon’s moods. At least I didn’t have to worry about those any more.

Jon was so sweet to begin with, I loved his possessiveness. I felt cossetted and protected, loved so intensely and all consumingly. He was completely the opposite of my previous boyfriend who picked me up and put me down whenever he felt like it. He made me feel really special, as if I was the only thing that mattered in the whole wide world. He wouldn’t even let me go to the shop to buy a loaf of bread without him. He took me to work and brought me home. We did every single little thing together. I gave up everything for him. I lost my identity and my freedom without even realising it. Then, when he’d completely dominated and controlled every aspect of my life and everything was just him, him, him, he started to change.

It was very subtle. Treating me in an offhand way. A little coldness here and there. The odd cruel and hurtful remark. Putting me down very gradually. Screwing me up. Fucking up my unsuspecting mind. Then the final blow. He cut me dead and left me when I almost couldn’t function without him. He moved on to a new girlfriend to dominate and ruin.

The bastard.

Hot anger, a tearing disappointment and the last tiny remnants of deeply buried confused feelings rise in my chest and I find I am breathing heavily. He can still make me feel so raw and emotional, even now, 62 days later. Despite everything he was and the mess he made of me. I know he did me a huge favour by leaving me and I’m better off without him, but I still feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart over and over again. When will these hurtful feelings begin to fade?

I used to be such a lively person. Full of enthusiasm for life. Not any more. Just a bitter miserable mess. Mistrustful, lacking in confidence and so uninspired by everything. The whole Jon affair has drained away my lifeforce pretty much completely.

I finish my hair and put on some makeup. I haven’t worn any proper makeup for an age… Jon didn’t like me wearing it. Couldn’t remember how to put it on really. I dab a little of this and that here and there and it looks okay. A glossy pink lipstick, some long earrings, a big spray of something perfumy. That would have to do. I look at myself critically in the mirror. Waist length dark blond shiny straight hair. Heart shaped face. Brown eyes. Pink lips. I’d pass for a reasonable looking female I suppose. Not that it really matters what I look like. I get up, take off my robe, put on a set of black underwear and get my old black lacy dress out of the wardrobe. I haven’t worn this for years. I remember it being more than a little tight and rather too short. Jon wouldn’t have let me out in it, with him or without him. It feels nice being able to wear what I like. I put it on. Amazingly it’s a little loose. I clinch it in with a wide black belt.

I’ve lost a fair amount of weight, sadly some of it off my boobs and not so much as I would have liked off my ass. My thighs are looking thinner though, that’s something. I’ve had no appetite for food for a long while as it’s been supressed under a mountain of bad emotion. But I have noticed hunger seems to be returning a little lately. At least I don’t have to force myself to eat anymore. It’s a very strange state for me to be in because I’ve always loved food. Used to be a bit of a pig really. Couldn’t care less about it now. Just like everything else. Total food and life apathy.

I was gathering my purse and stuff together after putting my shoes on when my phone bleeped.

“
Outside Ray”

I peeked out of my living room window and saw Suze’s car parked up outside the block, her red tail lights clearly visible through the semi darkness and torrential rain.

My best friend Suze. I really couldn’t get a better friend. Despite having a lot of other friends she kept it going with me. I hadn’t made enough of an effort in the past, if truth be told. I honestly don’t how I would have coped without her coming round over the last couple of months. She has been my rock.

I went downstairs and threw my jacket over my head. I ran out through the rain to her car, got in and shut the door as quickly as I could before I got too soaked.

She turned to face me with a big smile and wide open eyes as I took the wet jacket off my head. “Rachel! Well don’t you look nice…”

“
Thanks Suze. Wow, that’s different” I looked at her in surprise. She had done something super with her hair, it was all big spiral curls and wild. Suze was very daring in her appearance and her dress sense. She had her own unique style. Unlike me. No style whatsoever.

“
Yeah, I fancied a change tonight…”

I noticed something else too. “Another piercing? I don’t believe you…” She had a new diamond lower lip piercing to add to her 8 ear piercings and the tongue stud. Knowing Suze, she probably had a few others that I couldn’t see as well.

She beamed at me and wiggled her tongue over it and then she gave me an intense look. Suze has large and penetrating grey eyes. They look huge accentuated by her massive false eyelashes. I feel like I’m under the Suze spotlight.

“
You’re gonna have a good time tonight my girl.”

It almost sounded like an order. “If you say so.” I couldn’t sound enthusiastic, because I wasn’t likely to have a good time ever again. I didn’t feel in a great mood tonight or any night.

“
Oh come on Ray, cheer up!”

“
So what’s this party all about then?” I tried to appear interested.

“
It’s a birthday party at Will’s boss’s house at Quayside Quarter. He’s a property developer. Big property, commercial stuff, you know. It’s an open invite for his business contacts, staff and any friends. When I found out about it I told Will I was coming whether he liked it or not, wouldn’t miss a do like this. There’s a DJ, food and drinkies and hopefully some hot men to have sex with afterwards.”

“
Sounds good, except the last part.” I loved Suze dearly but I didn’t like this part of her at all. She was a bit of a slut at times. Having sex with men was her hobby. I never wanted to have sex ever again. No sex. No love. No feelings. Nothing. Too painful.

Suze started driving off into the rain, out onto the main road.

“
So, how’s the legal world been this week?”

“
Hectic. We’ve had a lot of big cases come in over the last few months and now everything’s snowballing.” My legal secretarial job was the one constant in my life. My one source of enjoyment. Did I just think ‘enjoyment’? I really must be a very sick and sad person. I think I meant self satisfaction and self worth. I was good at my job. In reality it had its fair share of very bad unenjoyable moments, stressful and rushed ones.

“
You still managing all right hon?”

“
It’s the only thing that’s been keeping me sane to be honest. I’ve been so run off my feet that I haven’t had time to dwell on things.”

“
I wish I was busy like that Ray. I hate hanging around with nothing to do. There’s only so much web surfing you can do in a day.”

Suze was the lobby receptionist at a new hi tech office building, it was only just finished six months ago and not that many companies had taken up leases yet, so there really was not much for her to do. Suze liked to be occupied every waking moment. She was a natural busy person.

She passed me her iPhone to plug in to the lead on the dashboard, then she chose some music quickly and we drove along in a tuneful blaze of sound for the next fifteen minutes. Suze was singing along. She was a budding Mariah Carey… in her mind anyway. She indicated and turned off the main road and into Quayside Quarter. This was definitely a young and upmarket part of town. A mixture of houses, apartments, bars, restaurants, shops and office space. I’d not been down this way for an age and I surprised myself by being interested to see all this smart modern design and style. It was like a small self contained village.

“
God, this has changed a lot! It’s a really cool place now, isn’t it ?” I vaguely remembered this being an old piece of scrap land with some crumbling buildings next to the river.

“
Yeah, it’s buzzing at the weekends, there’s two small nightclubs here, one on either end. I’ve been down here with Icca and the gang a couple of times. It’s one of his own developments, you know… Mark Williams, Phoenix Developments, that’s his company.”

“
Oh I see… I didn’t realise you meant this sort of thing.”

“
All sorts of things apparently. Will told me they’re doing a cinema complex at the moment, near Oxford centre. The company is into inner city regeneration, so I’m told.”