7 Years Bad Sex (23 page)

‘We did exactly what you said,’ Casey began. ‘The first night, after we got home from recording, we drew the curtains, got naked, and cooked dinner.’

‘It’s bizarre, cooking dinner in the buff,’ Alex chimed in. ‘All sorts of things can happen.’

‘Like what?’ James sat forward eagerly.

‘Oh, you know.’ Alex waggled his head. ‘Water boiling over, fat splattering on skin, that kind of stuff.’

‘I see. And?’

‘It was quite exciting, actually.’ Casey tried to keep her voice steady. ‘Especially the “not being allowed to touch” bit. It was like—like being in a sweetie shop and only being allowed to stare.’

‘How did it make you feel?’

Casey saw Alex roll his eyes, and she elbowed him sharply. ‘Ignore him,’ she said to James. ‘The relationship counsellor kept asking that question, and it drove us both nuts. But it’s a legitimate question, so… Yeah. It made us feel good. Well, it made
me
feel good. Very excited. It felt a bit naughty.’

‘After we had dinner, we watched telly and relaxed,’ Alex picked up the story. ‘Although parts of me weren’t entirely relaxed, if you get my drift.’

James nodded. ‘That was the general idea. But you didn’t—?’

‘No, we were a good boy and girl, as instructed,’ Casey quipped. ‘The next day, we did the massage. That was lovely!’

‘I bought some scented oils and a massage book,’ Alex offered. ‘I thought we might as well do it properly. And it was nice.’

‘Nice?’ James prompted. Casey looked at Alex. He waggled his head.

‘Yeah. Nice. It wasn’t fantastically exciting, but it was relaxing and comfortable. Nice.’

‘Okay. Good.’ James motioned for them to continue.

‘Now the
next
day was exciting,’ Alex went on. ‘We got
very
excited, for want of a better word.’

‘You explored each other thoroughly?’ James prodded.

‘We did,’ Casey confirmed. ‘It took a lot of effort to—to leave it at that.’

‘I’m glad to hear it,’ James smiled. ‘But I’m dying to know: what happened yesterday?’

‘Ah.’ Alex prevaricated. Casey looked at the ceiling. ‘Yesterday, yeah well.’

‘Don’t tell me it didn’t work?’ James sounded incredulous, possibly slightly hysterical.
He’s finding this harder to accept than us,
Casey thought.

‘No, it didn’t,’ Alex confirmed in the meantime.

‘Why ever not?’ James stood up, clearly agitated. He combed his hands through his hair. ‘What got between you this time?’

Casey bit her lip, trying not to burst out laughing. When she didn’t answer immediately, James’s professional composure crumbled. ‘Casey, tell me. After that build-up, I can’t see what could possibly have distracted you short of the sky falling down.’

‘Not the sky, no.’ Casey giggled. ‘Although you’re getting warmer. It was quite spectacular, all in all.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex agreed. ‘And expensive to fix.’

James inhaled deeply before he spoke. ‘
What?
What happened?’

Casey and Alex traded a look, and Alex nodded for Casey to go ahead.

‘For starters, our bed,’—Casey began, trying to speak in a level voice—‘it collapsed.’

James looked at her with uncomprehending eyes. ‘What do you mean, your bed collapsed? How does a bed collapse?’

Casey half sighed, half laughed. ‘We were mid—you know. Alex on top, me below. We were doing great. It was really romantic, actually. We’d lit candles, and there was this monster downpour with rain lashing against the windows. The near perfect setting. And suddenly it felt as though the earth was moving.’

‘She did actually ask me if the earth was moving,’ Alex remembered. ‘I thought she was making a joke. Only then the earth
did
seem to move. Or rather, Casey seemed to be falling into it.’

‘The mattress gave way and took my bottom with it. I literally dropped out from under Alex.’

‘She folded up like a jackknife with her rear end stuck in the mattress, and she couldn’t move.’

‘Of course, Alex couldn’t keep going because—well, it physically wasn’t possible.’

‘We couldn’t figure out what had happened, and we lay there frozen.’

‘It was uncomfortable, to say the least, so I tried to get my bottom free…’

‘…and there was this big crack…’ Alex chuckled at the memory.

‘…followed by a series of even bigger cracks…’ Casey snorted.

‘…and the whole structure gave, and we ended up on the floor. Well, on the mattress, on the floor. On top of our very broken bed.’ Alex guffawed helplessly.

James stared at them with incomprehension written all over his face. ‘And this is funny because?’

Casey had to try several times before she could speak. ‘You should have seen Alex’s face.’

‘Or hers,’ Alex joined in.

‘I still don’t get why it’s funny,’ James persisted.

‘Ah, see, the thing is that…’ Alex had to take a moment to compose himself.

Casey picked up the story. ‘It was still raining, and the candles were flickering, and the whole room screamed
romance.
Broken bed or not, we were still in the—you know—zone. And,’—she giggled helplessly but forced herself to keep speaking—‘we picked up right where we’d got distracted.’

Alex wiped tears from his eyes. ‘We’re right in the throes of passion when Casey suddenly goes, “Alex, you’re dripping. You okay?”’

‘I was getting dripped on,’ Casey explained. ‘I thought Alex was in trouble again.’

‘But it wasn’t me. And then she goes, “Alex, there’s a crack in the ceiling.”’

‘And he says, “Fu—rget the crack and shut up.”’

Alex scratched his head and grinned at James. ‘Like I’d give a damn about a crack in the ceiling right then.’

‘So he keeps, you know, going, and I’m lying there thinking, this doesn’t look good. This
so
doesn’t look good.’

‘And the rain was hammering against the windows…’

‘…and there were more and more drips until even Alex felt them…’

‘…and then the drips turned into a stream.’

‘A tidal wave!’

‘Next thing we know, the ceiling came down.’

‘Ca-rash. Just like that.’

James gaped, aghast. He opened his mouth to speak, but Casey hadn’t finished relaying the scene.

‘The whole place was covered in dust and plasterboard. Alex had white hair!’

‘And Casey looked like she’d applied a face pack.’

‘And still there was water streaming from the ceiling—’

‘It was awful.’

‘We had to call the fire brigade to plug the hole in the roof and pump the water out of the bedroom before the next ceiling collapsed.’

James stared at them. ‘I don’t believe this. Why did your ceiling come down?’

‘Apparently we had a leak in the roof that we didn’t know about, and because of all the rain, the water was simply gushing in. We’ve a bone or three to pick with the developer who sold us the house.’

‘I bet.’ James shook his head.

Alex and Casey shared a look, and Casey emitted a snort. Alex rolled his eyes and spoke up. ‘And it doesn’t finish there.’

‘It doesn’t?’

‘Nuh-huh. See, when the fire crew had left, we had to clean up.’

‘As in, ourselves. We had dust and muck all over us.’

‘So Casey ran a bath.’

‘And then Alex was overcome all horny, and he said could he come in with me? And I said, “what now? After everything that’s happened?” And he said in this funny voice, “if not now,
when
?”’

James raised his eyebrows. ‘How big is your bath tub?’

‘Normal size,’ Alex replied easily. ‘So anyway, I climbed in with Casey.’

‘We’d never tried this before. Of course, water sloshed over the side immediately, and we were a bit cramped.’

‘But we figured out how to position our legs and arms, and it was all quite exciting.’

‘It was great, actually,’ Casey offered a sideways comment.

‘It was fantastic, all warm and wet and—yeah, well.’ Alex smiled ruefully.

‘Anyhow. So we were both in the bath, and obviously we were—uhm—moving…’

‘…and next thing we know, the tub begins to wobble and to list…’

‘…and before we can even begin to get out, we’re falling through the floor.’

‘No
way!
’

‘Yes way, unfortunately,’ Alex confirmed grimly. ‘We landed on the sofa in the lounge. Complete with tub and water.’

‘You’re pulling my leg!’

‘Not in the slightest. Here, we took pictures.’ Casey pulled out her phone and called up the photo album. ‘We had to, for the insurance.’

‘How on earth does a bath tub fall through the ceiling?’

Alex rolled his shoulders. ‘Good question. It shouldn’t do, not even with two bodies in it. Not even with two bodies in it that are… exerting rhythmic pressure, shall we say.’

‘However,’ Casey chimed in. ‘If it turns out that the developer took a few short cuts…’

‘…like omitting to reinforce the joists…’

‘…or failing to treat the rampant woodworm in said joists…’

‘…then you can end up going through the floor.’

‘Oh my gosh!’ James shook his head. ‘Weren’t you hurt?’

‘Miraculously, no.’ Casey moved her arms and waggled her head to confirm that point. ‘Of course, the house is like a war zone. Obviously, the water pipes broke when the bath pulled the taps out of the wall, and water went everywhere before we could get to the stopcock.’

Alex snorted. ‘So we’re stranded arse over tit, pardon my French, in our bath tub on a sofa in the lounge, and there’s water pouring down from the hole in the ceiling. Casey screams, “oh my gosh, you’re gonna have to turn the water off!”, and I scream right back, “how exactly do you want me to do that right now?”’

‘Next thing we know, we’ve tipped over sideways on the floor, and Alex is kind of half in, half out of the bath. He scrambles to his feet and dashes off to the kitchen’—Casey giggled—‘fully starkers to turn the water off. It was awesome, if you like slapstick.’

‘Yeah.’ Alex scowled. ‘Slapstick is usually funnier for the observer than for the hapless performer. Anyway, we had to call the fire brigade
again
. We were worried the rest of the bathroom would come down too, so we needed some kind of emergency fix.
They sent the same crew as the first time round.’

‘We got dressed first, obviously. In different clothes from before. But they gave us some very strange looks, I can tell you.’ Casey blushed at the memory.

‘I’m trying to picture it,’ James snorted. ‘My word.’

‘Yeah. And after that, romance was definitely off the cards. Completely.’